Nice Night For A Walk

On the quiet part of town. 11:45 pm. 1

The snow falls in thick flakes slowly to the ground. Even though it's much too cold for people to be outside I find myself wandering below the street lamps. I'm the only one, as far as I know, I don't really care. I'd do what I was set out to do if there were people or not, I'd just have to be quicker about it. But, again, there's nobody, so I can take my time.2

Feeling the flakes fall in clumps on my hair. Feeling the coldness bite at my cheeks, not sure if I'm crying or not. Hearing the crunching snow beneath my feet. I always loved how clean and fresh the snow looked when nobody had walked in it yet. I look behind me at my own footprints, guess I think the remniscing will all be over soon anyhow. Why not indulge?3

Yep, I remember how it used to be at home. Mom used to send me out in a snow suit to play in the snow. I'd make tunnels, forts, and occasionaly try to sled. Though that never seemed to work well, there were no really big hills near my house. Eventually, when I got cold enough I'd go inside and mom would already have a cup of hot chocolate ready for me. It was when she did things like that that I actually acknowledged I loved her. What can I say? I was spoiled and I took her for granted..but it's too late to thank her and tell her I really always did love her. She's dead..and soon I will be too. 4

Noting the feeling of the extra weight in my pocket, still walking beneath the street lamps, walking to the bridge. I use to go there on cool summer days to read a book, I'd sit on one of those benches and occasionaly wave to a runner that passed by there frequently. I didn't know him, but it was routine, it was just an acknowledgement of eachothers presents. Guess he'll have to get used to not waving anymore.5

The metal of the bridge gleams in the lamplight. I reach the destination, not sure of what to do. I didn't know what I'd do before hand, I only pictured the final act. I decide to sit for a while, just to think a while longer. I brush the snow off the bench, not really sure why, it doesn't matter anyway. I sit, deciding to think about the people I knew yet weren't inside my family. Of course, the first who comes to mind is my ex..but surprisingly, it doesn't hurt so much to think about him. I think back to highschool, some of the people. How naive and caught up we all were..wish things were as simple as that. 6

Then a face drifts into my mind, who is she? She was in my studyhall I think..ah yes, Annie..Annie Garret? yeah..Why does she strike a chord? I remember her sort of hitting on me. I was surprised, passed off my reaction for shock, actually, I felt intrigued. Meh, maybe I was just curious, maybe I still am. Maybe I'm bi, not sure..but..doesn't exactly matter that I'm trying to figure this out now, too late. But..still..maybe that's why things never felt entirely right when I was with him, maybe I've grown up living the wrong life..maybe that's why I'm here..getting ready to do this..7

I stand up, figuring there's no better time like the present. Figuring it'd be better not to dwell on the life I lead and the life I maybe should have..and as I reach in my pocket, feeling the cold metal..I think..but that makes perfect sense. It makes sense, why I always wanted to be such good friends with the pretty popular girls, why I always felt so hurt and so down when I didn't get much attention. It's cuz I wanted more, being their friend wasn't enough. But ENOUGH..stop stalling. I take the gun out, glinting in the light. Looking cold and lethal, what it truly is. I breathe deep, sighing mostly. Thinking this is finally it, it's finally going to be over. And as I bring it up to my head, I think of how much I loved, how much I hated, how much I regretted..I regret this..this now..having to die..but it feels like its the only way. I feel my finger tightening on the trigger..any second..any second and it will all be over. 3 seconds away from dying..1..2..8

"ALEX?"9

"Oh my God, ALEX what are you doing?"10

I feel a hand forcefully grab at the gun, I was unprepared, shit..fuck this person, they got in my way. I whirl around to look at them...for a moment I'm struck..they look familiar, but I don't think I know them.11

"What the HELL do you want? This is my choice, give it back or I'll hit you! and wait...how did you know my name? Fucking stalker? well if you are then I don't care, if you want to kill me go ahead, I'll be happy either way, just as long as I die."12

"No, that's a chance I'll have to take. And no, I'm not a stalker..But, it was silly of me to think that you'd remember me. I'm Annie..Annie Garret."13

Her face changes to her teen self in my mind and then it clicks. I'm silent, I don't know what to say..I still want to die, I think.14

"I've seen you around, but I've never gotten up enough nerve to talk to you. And look..look how we meet." she indicates the gun in her hand. "maybe I should have talked to you sooner, you're lucky I came along tonight. I know this is your favorite spot though, and I often come here at night for a walk."15

I roll my eyes, though feeling slightly interested...she knew this was my favorite spot. My stomach flutters. Why, though?16

"puh-lease, it's anything but luck" I say darkly. "And what are you, obsessed? I mean, yeah, I remember you in highschool..but we're grown adults. and we haven't talked to each other in years. You can't honestly tell me that you've liked me all this time?"17

I stare accusingly, I wants Annie to feel hurt for intervening. But Annie knows better.18

Annie blushes slightly, "I've had other girlfriends, but it's never worked out..and you were always kind of lingering in my thoughts."19

I blink, so she openly admitts it, when I was hit on Annie hadn't actually said she was gay. I meant to hurt her, but it appears Annie is comfortable with who she is. I feel fascinated, must feel great to feel so sure about who you are. I wouldn't know.20


"Alex?" She wakes me from my thoughts.21

"Umm...I realize that you're going through things and you don't want to be near anyone but please, can we go somewhere to talk. Please? Maybe I can change your mind.."22

"hmph, that's likely.." but oddly, I find myself stepping closer to her. She smiles in triumph and starts leading me off the bridge. Wow, her smile..did she smile like that in highschool?23

----------------------------------------------------------------24


We walk along the closed shops keeping our thoughts to ourselves. I wonder how I got to be here. Walking next to Annie. I should be dead right now, I would be dead right now. I don't know yet if I entirely regrett being so rudely interrupted. Hmph, I was so sure that no one would care when I left, apparently I was wrong. This feels strange, I hardly know Annie. Yet...there's something kind of intriguing about this situation. I shiver in the cold and glance at Annie watching her breath linger in the fierce cold. I wonder what she's thinking. Why she did this. Why she pulled me back, as if to prolong the beginning of the end if only for a little bit. Is she that hopeful? Does she think I can be swayed that easily?
Finally, we arrive at an open 24 hour coffee place. She gestures for me to go in as she holds the door open. I step in, instantly being thankful for the warmth that greets me. We walk to the corner booth by the window and sit down across from one another. I stare outside through the design of ice on the window at the falling snow. Finally, I realize I'm ignoring her eyes and look up in time to see her ordering coffee for us. Then as she looks back at me I chicken out and look out at the snow again. We sit quietly for some minutes and it seems like Annie's lost her voice. God knows I'm not going to speak. She's the one that had me stop from what I was going to do, but then I did surrender quite easily. I start taking off my coat, feeling awkward as I try to wrestle my arms out of the sleeves. Suddenly, I feel stupid. The silence is starting to be too much but I don't really want to be the one talking. So, I jigg the worm seeing if she'll bite.
"You gonna say something?"
She jerks up kind of nervously looking at me and then away.
"Uhh..sorry, I was just..trying to figure out what to say. I.." She fidgets with her hands and stares at them as she stumbles around for words. What happened to the Lioness on the bridge?
"Um..s'ok. Guess I was just..." Was just what? Wondering what she was thinking? I trail off not knowing what to say either. The coffee comes and Annie immediately puts both her hands around the mug, seeming happier to have something to hold onto. I grab a few packs of sugar and lay them beside my mug. As I'm opening them and watching the white substance disappear in the black she looks back up at me.
"So..why were you out there? I mean, I know we don't really know each other, but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know. I'll listen if you want me to."
I hesitate, feeling my face burn a little. Truth is, I'm not exactly sure of the reason why I was out there. I start talking in hopes of stumbling onto some form of what might be the truth. I trust Annie, even though she is a stranger to me, she did stop me, after all. Plus, it's kind of hard to ignore the sort-of true kindness in her face.
"Um..I'm just..getting particularly fed up with life. I'm just so sick of being dealt so much shit all the time. I feel like it's one bad thing right after another and I never get a break." I start spilling out my guts despite feeling slightly embarassed. As she looks at me and just nods, I realize I feel a little thankful. I forget all about the hard exterior I was holding over myself. I talk for a long time. I tell her about my ex and about my mom. About how I had to burry her and how guilty I felt then about never being there. About leaving her as soon as I could and never returning. About being so angry at her and never calling her. I tell her about the hole that is my life. About never ever being satisfied. She watches me as I sip from my mug and glance to the side as I often do when I talk. It's weird how this all feels. It's like she's actually listening to me and talking about it is actually making me feel a little better. I haven't talked to anyone for years, I mean really talked to them. I've been in my own world so much and I've hurt so much that I haven't dared let anyone in. Yet, here I am...talking to her, Annie.
"Annie? I want to say something."
"Go ahead, Alex."
I look her in the eyes. "Thanks."
She smiles.
"Thanks for stopping me tonight."
"No problem, Alex."
Suddenly, I realize I feel tired. I look at my watch and blink twice to find it's 4:00 AM. As if on cue my head and eye lids start to feel heavy.
"It's really early, Annie. Suppose we should both go home."
"Yeah, I'm tired too, only..."
"Only what?" She looks down.
"Only I don't think you should go home alone." Her eyes flicker to me as if she's still worried I might get the idea again to end things.
"So, what do you propose?" I lean back, crossing my arms. Feeling exceedingly warm and comfortable in this little coffee shop.
"You could come home with me. I mean, obviously, I would take the couch and you take the bed and..." It's kind of funny to watch her get all flustered and nervous. I stop her in her babble.
"Alright."
She looks at me. "Really?"
"Yeah." She seems to sigh with relief.
"Alright, well lets go." We get up, put on our coats and walk to the door. She holds it open for me again. She starts leading the way and I walk along beside her. Walking with Annie feels strangely natural, but I stop thinking about it right away so I don't feel weird. The snow has finally stopped and I watch my feet as I ruin the new snow, smiling a little to myself.
We finally stop at a red door with a gold knob. She pulls out keys from her pocket and quickly unlocks it. We step inside and are immediately greeted by a winding stairway. We trudge up the steps for what seems like an eternity until we get to the top floor. She unlocks that door too and holds to door open for me. I step in, holding my breath as I walk past her into the apartment. I let it out as I peer around her apartment. It's small, but warm and homey. She closes the door and walks past me to the closet. She gestures for my coat and I take it off and hand it to her, still looking around. When she's done hanging up the coats she walks to the middle of the room and turns to me with her arms out.
"Well, this is home. What do you think?"
"It's nice." I say smiling. Somehow, I can't stop looking at Annie. There's this weird kind of feeling in my stomach. I suddenly have the urge to embrace her, thank her, but I brush it off.
"Well.." She says, leading me to a room off of the living room.
"Here's you and I'll be right out here on the couch incase you need anything." I smile at her, not knowing how to thank her. It feels so nice not to be alone. I mean, to at least have someone in the next room. As she goes to walk away I falter.
"Err..Annie?"
She turns to me, "Yes?"
Finally, I can say it again. "Thanks."
She smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder. I feel its' warmth through my clothing. I get that urge again to embrace her.
"Anytime." she says. She turns away and I go into her room and close the door. It's pretty dark but I can see the silhoette of the bed from the glow the street lamp outside is casting. I take off my shoes and belt and place them on the floor at the foot of the bed. It's weird to be climbing into someone elses bed, but strangely, like a lot of things tonight, I don't mind. Just before I drift off to sleep, I think of Annie. I picture her laying on the coach out there with a thin blanket. I almost wish she'd come in here. Say she was too cold and crawl in next to me. But..I only mean that in a friendly way. I mean, she's been so kind to me tonight. It's been nice to have a friend. But then..Nahh, I've only known her for a short while. Besides...I'm straight, I think. Well...I don't know. Maybe I'm a little crooked. Before I can elaborate on that thought I slip into a deep sleep.25

---------------------------------------------------------26

27

I awake to bright light coming in through the window. It takes me a few minutes to remember all of what happened last night. This bed, or her bed, feels so warm and cozy I wish I didn't have to get out of it. I struggle out of the covers and put my feet on the floor. I sigh and lay back again stretching my arms and legs. I sit up and look out the window at the snowy street. I wonder if Annie's still asleep. I quietly open the door to my room and look out at the living room. Annie's not there so I walk down the hallway to the kitchen. I spy her sitting at a little round table with a mug of coffee looking out a window. As if she senses my presence she suddenly turns her eye to me and gives a little start. She smiles and gets up, offering me her seat. 28

"Well, good morning. Did you sleep ok?" 29

"Yeah, I slept great. Thanks." I sit at the table. By the looks of her hair it doesn't look like she slept well. I smile.30

"What about you? Looks like your night wasn't as good?"31

"Oh, no. It was alright. The couch is alright." I can tell she's lying. The bags under her eyes betray her, but I don't say anything. I watch her a little bit as she busies herself with making more coffee. When she's done she sits down across from me. She gives me a warm smile.32

33

34

To be continued.