CAPTAIN'S LOG: After a victory against three Imperial Star Destroyers and the forces of Mordor, the Enterprise barely escaped intact. All would have been lost except for the timely arrival of the Dragonriders of the Pern-Krynn Alliance. The Enterprise was badly damaged and now its warp core is in danger of overexploding, destroying the ship and our precious cargo of mandrake roots to reverse the paralysis of the basilisks' victims on Planet Namek.1
"Captain, if we don't find a way to stabilize that warp core long enough to get back to spacedock, our victory will have been for nothing," Lieutenant Riker reminded Picard.2
"That's the least of our problems, Number One," Jean-Luc Picard said.3
"Captain, you don't mean... oh, no. Another attack?"4
"Worse. I'm finding it difficult to relate to women," he said. "My position of command makes any relationship awkward and unequal, and what with women occupying a lower social order, even in this farflung century, the problem is only exacerbated. If only I could find a romantic partner who I could treat as an equal..."5
"That is a big problem, sir," Riker agreed. "But the warp core..."6
"Captain, we're being hailed," Lieutenant Commander Data reported androidly. "It appears to be the U.S.S. Narcissus."7
"The Narcissus?" Picard gasped.8
"That's Commander Slash's ship!" Dr. Crusher, who was on the bridge for some reason, cried. 9
"Beverly, what exactly are you doing here?" the captain asked her.10
"Checking on you. I worry about you so much, Jean-Luc," she said, tenderly. "I heard what you said about needing an equal partner and I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I've always seen you as my equal."11
"That's very kind, Beverly," Picard said, laughing at her feminine silliness, "but in times of danger I would still instinctively act to protect you instead of standing beside you in mutual support and admiration. Plus, sexually, as a male I would naturally dominate you in bed, and that's not what I'm looking for now."12
"I'm sorry, you're right," she said. Then she left.13
"On screen," Picard said.14
All at once, the image of Commander Slash Fiction, and his spunky, smart, pretty, telepathic assistant, Lieutenant Mary Sue Wankfest, appeared on screen.15
"Captain, I see you've got a bit of a pickle," Slash said. "Mind if I lend a hand?"16
"If you think you can help," Picard said. "Though the situation seems completely hopeless."17
"Captain, the answer to your romantic problem is as plain as the nose on your face," Slash said. "If you cannot be intimate with a woman as an equal partner, try a man!"18
"But I'm not homosexual," Picard said. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, in this farflung century. Of the future."19
"Of course you aren't," Slash said, "and neither is Data, though he's been eager to explore that side of human sexuality."20
"Mr. Data, is this true?" Picard asked.21
"Yes," Data said. "I've found women to be as a whole, illogical and frail compared to men. My relationships with them have been less than satisfactory. Perhaps, as you remarked, it has to do with the inherent inequality of a male-female pairing. Men assume a default position of dominance, both socially and sexually, which presents..."22
"That's fine," Picard said. "But Slash... you've solved this crisis too late. The best engineer in Star Fleet, Geordi LaForge, has been working on the warp core along with Wesley Crusher, the adorable teenage genius, trying to stabilize things, but to no avail. In mere minutes, the whole Enterprise will overexplode, tearing a hole in the fabric of subspace that will expand as it feeds on ambient energy and envelop the whole universe, dooming everybody everywhere! Nobody can save us now!"23
"Captain, I thought it would just destroy us," Riker said, puzzled.24
"The stakes just got higher, Number One," Picard said. "Sometimes that happens."25
"Never fear, Captain!" Mary Sue said brightly. "There's always hope! Let me take a crack at stabilizing your warp core!"26
"Do you really think you can fix it?" Picard asked.27
"I'll give it my best shot!" Mary Sue said, pluckily. Then she beamed over, or something.28
"Somehow I just know everything will be alright," Captain said. "Mr. Data... report to my ready room. My very ready room."29
"Captain," Data said, somewhat thoughtfully. "It occurs to me that perhaps we are seizing on a shallow, sexist rationale to justify hot man-love. Perhaps by settling for boy/boy sex as the only possible equitable romantic pairing, we are ignoring an opportunity to simply redress the inequality. Maybe the problem isn't an inherent lack of parity, but rather men who persist in treating women as inferior and women who allow themselves to be..."30
"Data, what you're feeling is natural," Deanna Troi said. "Because you're a good, kind man, you want to think of women's needs. But we women... especially middle-aged housewives... would honestly rather know that men are experiencing the true and pure and equal love that can only exist between them. When men have sex with women, nobody wins."31
"Yes, yes," Picard said. "Less talk, more cock."32
"Aye, aye, Captain," Data said, and then they left the bridge, to boldly go where no man had gone before across the final frontier at warp factor sixty-nine.33
Meanwhile, down in Engineering, the intrepid Mary Sue Wankfest was having a tough time with the engines.34
"Gosh golly gee," she said. "I'm having a tough time with these engines. I warned Doctor Brahm about this instability, but she was too headstrong and thought I was just a silly girl... there's still one chance, though."35
"What?" both Geordi and Wesley asked at the same time. There was only seconds to spare.36
"There's only seconds to spare," Mary Sue said. "When I say 'now', I need you to press that big red button on the warp core... now!"37
Geordi pushed the big red button, and all at once, the warp core stabilized. It stopped making all the ominous rising-note sounds and the instrument panels stopped sparking.38
"That was brilliant!" Wesley said. "I'm a child prodigy and I have no idea what you just did!"39
"It wasn't anything special," Mary Sue said humbly, because she was very, very humble. "I knew our only chance to stabilize the warp core was to press the warp core stabilization button before it overexploded."40
"Incredible," Geordi said. "I bet history will remember that as the Mary Sue Maneuver."41
"No," she said. "That wouldn't be fair. It should be named after all the people who died in that horrible battle you just fought. History should remember them, not me. I'm just a girl doing what she can."42
"You're so selfless and heroic," Wesley told her. "I bet everybody who didn't take you to the prom is kicking themselves now. We love you, Mary Sue."43
"Everybody loves you," Jeordi said. "You saved the whole universe."44
"Yes, but now I have to die now, from all the space radiation poisoning," Mary Sue said. "You will all be very sad."45
"We are all very sad," Jeordi agreed. "But we'll remember you forever."46
"Yes, you'll remember me forever," Mary Sue said. Then she died, and everybody cried and cried and cried, and the Federation Council declared her death a national holiday and even the unemotional Vulcans each shed no less than three tears for her.47
It was a sad, sad day... but it had just been another day in the line of duty for the brave and creative Mary Sue Wankfest, and her partner, Slash Fiction.48
Author notes
If you enjoyed this piece of satire, please check out my original fiction at www.starharbornights.com - kthx!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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If the points were wasted by you clicking on the story, the comment you wrote doesn't unwaste them, does it? You didn't read the story and you didn't say anything that would help me improve it (Knowing that the genre doesn't appeal to everyone doesn't help, since a story will either be in this genre or not.)
Frankly, I'd rather have you just not comment at all than make a comment that just says you're not going to comment.
People who pay points for promotion are buying views, which are potential comments. It's more of a waste for you to sit there and explain how the story's not your type of thing, since that gives no meaningful feedback, then it is for you to just get on with your day.
The whole mentality of "If you click, you must comment, even if you've got nothing to say." is one reason I don't post any stories to Storywrite any more unless I've honestly got nowhere else to put them that they'll fit. -
Not to worry, those were my points spent, not the author's. Promoting a piece in this way is pretty much guaranteed to garner some people who just aren't into the writing. It's worth it, though, to get the work into the spotlight for those who would enjoy it. No harm done.
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Hmm.. Well I wasnt sure what the story was going to be about when I clicked on it. I dont want to waste your points so I'm commenting. I didnt finish the story. I know that some might say that it was very good and well written, but I just cant get into stories like that. I'm not into the whole space oddicy type thing. I'm sorry. I'm sure it was a very good story though.
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That was a great srory.
It had me laughing the entire time.
I must share this with someone.
Keep up the good work. -
hehe, this was incredible, slash fic at it's worst. great job :-)
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I loved it.. having to watch this show when i was younger.. i just never really liked it.. but at least you have made a more entertaining aspect..
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I love you. And I love this. Man, this was great.
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Marry-Suelicious!
OMGWTFLOL!!!!1!!11one!11 I loved it, but where's Goku? Hehe. Seriously, though. I laughed my funny bone off. I may need medical attention, things are getting dark. I can't feel my legs! Oh, cruel world! -
Looking at it now, I don't recall if it was deliberate+... but I like the effect the redundancy has on that bit of pathos, anyway.
+Though the fact that LaForge's first name is spelled two different ways in the course of the story definitely was.
Edited on Dec 02, 7:17 because 'Forgot asterisks are translated to bold!'.
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Very sarcastic. Sarcasm is good. I like your narrative style, too. It's pleasantly colloquial without being too colloquial, making for a fun read. Although I noticed, 8 lines up from the end (yes, yes, I count lines. How sad ) you've used the word 'now' twice in the one sentence. If it wasn't deliberate, I'm sure you only need one Doesn't detract at all, I'm just pedantic. Great write. After I finish doing the assignment I'm currently avoiding, I'll check out some more of your writing, as I have become interested
Cheers,
~Tal~ -
Great story! I laughed all the way through it. Wonderfully written. I really really like this story. Is it alright if I bookmark it? Funny story! Great work!
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Oh my god! That was great. Made me laugh, and laugh and laugh. I hate Mary Sue fics, and you did them justice. Your sense of humor is supreme! I loved this!
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OMG star that was the ultimate in sarcasm when it comes to fan fic
you covered all the things that people do in the fanfics and warped it so nicely lol
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haha, this was wonderful! It was wonderfully done, quite an interesting story. Thanks for sharin!
~Goth -
Aye, Captain, she's gonna blow. Beam me up Scottie. Wonderful, silly satire. I love your warped sense of humor.
Star date
11.26.04 -
Well, this was at least as good as any of the tv shows or movies they made. I always wondered about Picard. You never had to worry about Kirk, James T. He didn't care who, what, planetary origin, or anything else. I bet the crack of dawn wasn't safe around him. Thanks for shining the cruel light of truth on this. You will probably be rewarded in this life or later.
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Hear hear! Your use of satire could probably use a slightly lighter touch in places, but on the whole that was a very entertaining piece of work. I loved the start - welcome to the ultimate crossover fanfic, indeed.
flamearrow -
This was interesting. I liked the ambiguity in it! Maybe we could see Slash Fiction 2?
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