My December

Disclaimer: Linkin Park belongs to themselves.  This did not ever really happen to the best of my knowledge.  Please don't flame.  Slash warning - this involves two men in a relationship!  Don't like; don't read.1

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It was a strange day when snow fell over the city of Los Angeles, California.  It was a cold December day – about three days before Christmas – and not a soul could be found outside.  The people, afraid of what snow meant in a town such as theirs, had all holed themselves up inside their homes.  There was one person, whoever, who was found walking along the sidewalk, even as the snow fell heavily upon him.3

He was tall and tan, and his hair was black as the night sky that had already descended on the town.  Faint moonlight and the chance star could be seen from the sky, which echoed the specks of white snow falling and sticking to his hair.  He walked slowly, his hands in the pocket of the black hooded sweatshirt he wore.  Dark blue jeans and a pair of white sneakers, both of which were already soaked from the snow on the ground, completed his outfit.  He was dressed plainly, which any of his friends would have recognized as a sign that he wasn’t in the best of moods.  But he had no friends anymore, and he sang softly to himself as he walked.4

“This is my December5

This is my time of the year6

This is my December7

This is all so clear…”8

He continued to trudge through the snow as it continued to pile up higher and higher around him.  He seemed to have no destination, wandering aimlessly and pointlessly.  Consciously, he wasn’t sure where he was going, but his feet were taking him somewhere, and he had no choice but to follow.9

“This is my December10

This is my snow-covered home11

This is my December12

This is me alone…”13

He shivered slightly despite himself.  He’d been trying all month to convince himself that there was nothing wrong (or at least, to figure out what it was that was making him feel so depressed), but as his feet drew closer to their destination, he began to get an inkling of what it was.  His feet halted in front of a large house, decorated with blue and white Christmas lights.  He sighed, finally uncovering the root of his depression.14

“And I15

Just wish I didn’t feel like there was something I missed16

And I17

Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that18

And I19

Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed20

And I21

Take back all the things that I said to you…”22

He’d known this house well once, back in the ‘good old days’, his days of happiness.  It had been first his victory, then his retreat, and finally his home, before it became the setting of his worst memory ever.  His best friend lived in this house.23

“And I give it all away24

Just to have somewhere to go to25

Give it all away26

To have someone to come home to…”27

The house belonged to a man who had once been everything to him.  First, they were just acquaintances – before the house was even part of the equation.  Back then, it was his place that had been the retreat for his friend.  Then as they became best friends, they went off and got married, and each other’s homes now became hiding places and retreats.  Then divorces, when one wife took all and the other took nothing.  That was when he’d moved into Chester Bennington’s house.  Their relationship eventually morphed from not only to best friends, but lovers.  Chester had been his light, his life, his everything…only the other five guys came remotely close to Chester in his heart.  But then he’d fucked up.  He’d said things and done things he’d never meant to do or say…and their relationship was wrecked, as was their friendship.  He left Chester’s house after that, their final argument.  He blocked all contact with Chester and the rest of the band, and didn’t even notice when they disappeared from the media altogether about a month after he left.28

He had no idea what had been happening in the eleven months that he’d been separated from his best friends.  He didn’t know how hard Brad had tried to search for him, or how Rob had tried reasoning with him in cell phone messages that he never picked up.  He didn’t know how broken Chester had become without him, or how even Phoenix and Joe failed to bring a smile to Chester’s face anymore.  He didn’t know about the time last March when Chester had tried to commit suicide.29

But he was aware that Chester had no idea what had been going on in his life.  Chaz had no idea about the days and nights when he’d sit staring at a wall, not eating, not drinking, not sleeping, sometimes for weeks in a row.  Chester didn’t know how much willpower it was taking for him not to attempt suicide.30

But both had broken down as December began, and it was this final breakdown that brought Michael Kenji Shinoda to stand in front of the Bennington house this winter night.31

“This is my December32

These are my snow-covered dreams33

This is me pretending34

This is all I need…”35

Mike walked up the snow-covered path to the front door of the house…a front door that he’d opened and closed so many times.  He remembered the joy he’d felt the first time he opened it…and the contrasting sadness he’d felt the last time he’d closed it.  He had is hand poised to knock on the door, but his pride kept him from doing so.  Out of impulse more than his own curiosity, he made his way over to a nearby window – one that he knew looked into the parlor and calm party room.  Despite his reasoning, he looked inside.  He was faced with the most heartbreaking sight he’d seen since Chester’s angry face, screaming at him to get out.  For the first time in nearly a year, he was faced with the sight of the five men who’d meant the world to him.36

“And I37

Just wish I didn’t feel like there was something I missed38

And I39

Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that40

And I41

Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed42

And I43

Take back all the things that I said to you…”44

A tall Christmas tree stood proudly in a back corner, topped not with an angel or star but with a strange candleholder figure – a menorah, Brad’s voice said from the back of his mind.  Rob and Brad would have added their own special touch, wouldn’t they?  From where he was Mike thought he could also spy various items that characterized the band – a bright green frog had to have been Joe.  The glittering phoenix was probably a tribute to Dave, their Phoenix.  Small guitars and drumsticks littered the tree as well, an additional touch from Brad and Rob.  And the leather straps covered in pointy silver spikes…only Chester would use leather and spikes right alongside Christmas lights.  Gifts wrapped in all different papers littered the floor around it.  The entire room was strewn with random food and drink – junk foods and sodas on the floor and chairs, but only the beer and vodka had the honor of sitting on a table.  They all seemed to be having a good time, despite the fact that they were missing a member of their set.45

Mike didn’t know that although they were trying to have a good time, they all missed him desperately.  They’d been living in Chester’s house since the beginning of December.  Each one was afraid of what Chester would do to himself during December…the beginning of the season that ended with Mike’s departure.  Mike thought they’d only been there for a few days, remembering the Linkin Park tradition of a full week of partying and hanging out before Christmas.  But they had been there a lot longer.  They’d celebrated Brad’s birthday at Chester’s; Rob had brought a menorah and for eight nights, Brad and Rob would stand together in front of the strange candleholder, softly chanting in a language none of the others understood.  Mike would have understood a little – having been a childhood friend of both Brad and Rob, he’d spent as many Hannukah nights with their families as they had Christmas days with his.  But Mike hadn’t been there, although he was now, watching from outside as cold snow piled around him, feeding off the warmth of the light in the room, and the strength of the music sounding loudly from within.46

“And I give it all away47

Just to have somewhere to go to48

Give it all away49

To have someone to come home to…”50

As he watched, Mike began to feel a lightening in his heart.  Memories of good times flooded into his mind as he watched his friends re-create scenes he’d known so well.  He watched as Joe had foolishly placed his stuffed frog (named, aptly, Mr. Froggie) on the floor before going off hunting for more food.  He watched Phoenix slink over and pick it up, hiding it under an armchair, and watched Joe lunge after Phoenix the moment he noticed it wasn’t where he left it.  Mike laughed for the first time in nearly a year at watching the familiar scene play itself out again.  Rob and Brad talked animatedly from two chairs in the back, laughing at the scene or at whatever they were talking about.  Mike scanned the room for Chester, spotting him just in time to jump away from his position in front of the window and cling up to the wall as Chester opened the window and stared out it desolately.51

“This is my December52

This is my time of the year53

This is my December54

This is all so clear…”55

Chester sighed as he looked out the window, staring at the dark snow-covered streets, LA now looking more like a replication of one of those Christmas cards than a city in California.  Mike breathed heavily for a moment, and then forced his breathing down, afraid of what could happen if Chester saw him.  He edged further away from the wall, and then moved next to a hedge, fully visible from the streets but with the hedge between the window and himself.  He peeked over the hedge to watch, and was slightly startled when, sighing, Chester began to speak.56

“I wish you could hear me, hear all of us.  I wonder if you’re still even in LA.  Probably not, since we’ve searched everywhere we could think of, searched all the places we thought you would go.  We even sought out Anna…that was a situation we would have rather not gotten into.”  Chester laughed harshly, and Mike felt a sinking in his stomach as he realized that they had searched for him, just the thought that Mike would be living in a dirty apartment building in the slums of LA had never crossed their minds.  “We miss you so much, we all do…Brad and Rob miss their childhood friend and companion.  Joe misses his fellow artist and technician…he’s tried remixing some of our old stuff for fun, but told me he just couldn’t do it without you.  Phoenix misses the schemer, the one who would help him come up with the fun plots to torture us.  And me, Mike, I miss Mike Shinoda.  Every last part of you, Mike, all the little things that made you the man we knew and loved for so long.57

“Did you even notice when Linkin Park disappeared from the world, Mike?  So many people came after us, wondering why we canceled that tour we were going to start in March, wondering why they hadn’t heard any news from us in ages.  But the truth of it was that we couldn’t go on without you.  We needed our emcee to do anything.  I tried to sing your pieces of our songs, but you and I wrote them for your voice, not mine.  You’re irreplaceable, Mike – did you think we could find someone else to do everything you did in the band?  That’s why we gave up, canceled the tour, and let Linkin Park be lost to the world.58

“I know you didn’t mean those things you said to me…I don’t even know why I got so angry at you at the time.  I never should have shouted for you to go.”  Chester sniffed, and Mike could see the glittering of tears beginning to run down his face.  “I just want you back, more than anything else.  We could forget the fight, forget the past, forget these months that you’ve put me through more pain than ever…if only you could come back to me.  If I could have one more night with you, to tell you how I feel.  I love you, Mike, more than anything.  I always have, and I always will – this constant pain is proof of that.  I love every bit of you.  I love the way your voice still raps out our lyrics in the back of my mind, even though it pains me to remember.  I love the way your fingers would hold a pen, always itching to be writing, drawing, creating.  I love the way your eyes would shine around me, my light and my constant ray of sunshine.  I love your kiss, the perfect combination of passion and gentleness that drove me crazy every time.  I love your voice, not just in the singing but in the way you would scream my name, and I would scream yours back, and later I would hear the whisperings of sweet words into my ear as we fell into oblivion.59

“I miss you so much, Michael Kenji Shinoda.  I would give anything to see you again, to hold you again, to run my hands through your hair and tell you how much I love you.  The guys miss you too, you know, and it would bring nothing but happiness if you would come back, if we could all be Linkin Park again.”  Chester sighed now.  “But you can’t hear me.  I don’t know why I’m even saying these things.  I just…miss you so much, Mikey.”  The sound of his nickname from his lover’s lips, said in that sad tone, brought tears to Mike’s eyes.  He missed Chester too.  He missed the ma he loved, and he wanted to have Chester back too.60

"And I give it all away61

Just to have somewhere to go to62

Give it all away63

To have someone to come home to…”64

They were both desperately lonely without each other.  They’d been more than lovers, more than best friends…they were soul mates, and Mike had foolishly thrown it away without even thinking to come back for it.  With tears in his eyes, he crept towards the front door and stood in the shadow of the hanging lamp, concealing his figure from Chester.  He finally made himself do what he’d known he was here to do all along.  He knocked loudly, and it brought voices from inside.65

“Chaz…close the window, it’s fucking freezing and you’re getting snow in the house.  And somebody knocked, go get the door.  What people are doing out at this time of night in the snow is beyond me…” he heard Phoenix’s voice trail off as Chester shut the window.  Mike was excited but scared – he was going to see Chester again, at last.  The door opened and the look on Chester’s face changed from sadness to joyful surprise.66

“M-Mi-Mikey?” he asked, stuttering on the nickname that had lain unused for too long.  Mike nodded, tears in his eyes.67

“Chaz…I heard everything you said, at the window…oh Chazy…I missed you so much,” he sobbed as he walked in the house and slammed the door behind him.  That said, he grabbed his lover in a tight embrace, the first in far too long.  Their lips found each other quickly, and Mike was enveloped in Chester’s kiss, which was a similar blend of passion and love, with more passion – Chester being Chester and all.  Mike returned the heat eagerly, having missed the sensation far too much to let it pass him by.  He found Chester’s arms locked around his neck, and used his to hold Chaz tightly to his body, breaking the kiss for a breath and then diving right back in, this time to take Chester in his own kiss.  It was too short before Brad walked into the foyer, curiosity getting the best of him.68

“Chaz, who was…” Brad trailed off as he quickly recognized the tan arms around Chester’s body, and the black hair sticking up from the head of the man currently involved in what seemed to be a very passionate kiss to Brad.  “Holy fucking shit!” he shouted, and Chester and Mike jumped apart at the loudness of it.69

“What?” came a muted voice from the other room – Joe.  Brad grinned and practically jumped on top of Mike, hugging him tightly in what Mike would call ‘the non-gayest way possible’.70

“Mike’s finally come home!” Brad shouted back ecstatically.  Whoops of joy came from the other room as three pairs of feet came dashing into the foyer to join Brad in practically choking their long-missed friend.  Chester growled lightly.71

“If you kill my boyfriend, you are all going to have hell to pay,” he said, harsh but in a joking manner.  All six laughed as they relinquished Mike’s body back to Chester, and they kissed again.72

“And I give it all away73

Just to have somewhere to go to74

Give it all away75

To have someone to come home to…”76

It was then that it finally hit Mike.  He was back with his friends and his lover, the five people that had always been the world to him.  The future looked bright, and the next few months would be filled with writing, drawing, mixing, and getting back into practice so that they could become what they once were, the amazing band known as Linkin Park.  But in that instant all that mattered to Mike Shinoda was one thing.77

He was home.78