Heaven Breaks a Heart

Desire runs thick through evening's heart
Denies Her chances 'fore her kneeling part
To feed on those, the raw, 'neath stars
Enshadowed under bright lit skies1

Garbed, angelic, gliding through the womb
Imprisoned in the salt of death, Her mother leaves Her sight
Glancing swiftly there in the tomb
He abandons Her, walks into night2

She rests in hope that days will pass
And in his absence, he won't last
He imprisons her heart, from lies he told
Will she survive? The pain she withholds3

Desire, it ran thick through her heart
Denied Her the chance to kneel on her part
She fed upon the raw, 'neath stars
Enshadowed under bright lit skies.4

5

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Author notes

This is basically about a person who was hurt emotionally and is fighting the everlasting battle of living on without the person who broke their heart. I guess that for the contest i entered it in, it kinda fits the love category... although it isn't exactly about LOVE.... I do apologise for that, but still, they WERE in love... so... it sort of counts. lol XD

Any suggestions on what I can improve or change?

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Crying Angel Eyes
    May 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i like it and it does have to do with love so yeah its good


  • Melli
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Flowed really great. its very deep and beautiful... I like it. L] amazing job on this one.

    KEEEP.WRITING.

    -Melli<33


  • LadyLionnir
    February 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Definitely one of my favorites, just the flow of your words and how you said everything. When I approved of entering a poem I didn't know you'd bring something so deep and painful, and yet...beautiful. Great piece, I'm going to add you to the finalists.


  • not done baking
    February 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    very lovely

    This was really good, I love the old time poem feel with the abbreviated words. I feel like you are talking about abortion because of the first two lines in the second stanza. However, I don't really get that anywhere else, so it'd be nice to see it just a little more clearly in the other lines. And if you aren't talking about abortion... sorry.

    beginning: 3, language: 5, ending: 4.

    • Midnightmare
      February 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you very much!
      well, it is okay that you thought it was about abortion, even though it was not. I can understand why you thought that, but in this case I was using the tomb and mother as more of a metaphor.
      Thank you for your kind words and comment!

1 - 6 of 6