See that world, stretched out below, all blue and white and green? See that country, not quite at the bottom, but more around the builders’ crack? Now zoom in, halfway down the east coast. See that city with a river running through it and one particular road running out of it? Forty-five minutes along that road-out-of-town is a Volks Wagen, the “only good thing to come out of War-Time-Germany”. Now look through the windscreen and see a husband and wife cheerfully bickering over what’s on the radio, in the backseat are three young daughters, pretty, content, innocent. From left to right: Judith, aged eight. Behind her Math book hides her carrot-red hair and hot-pink magazine. In the middle, Sandra, aged six. Her dark head bent low, pale face intent on two Barbie dolls. Then comes Hannah, aged six like her twin. Sunlight bounces off her deep-honey hair, but brighter still is the smile on her tanned face as she plucks along to the radio on a plastic ukulele.1
“That doesn’t sound anything like the song, Hannah,” her father teases. 2
“It does to me,” the child replies. Her parents laugh.3
“You’ll never be a musician, Hannah,” they quip.4
“You heard them Hannah. Stop that racket. It’s really annoying.” Judith throws her book at the offending instrument, knocking it to the floor. Something new has come on the radio to fight over, so her parents don’t notice Hannah wriggling her seatbelt looser, inching slowly to the seat edge and slightly over, legs outstretched, swinging wildly, trying to hook the lost ukulele with her toes. 5
In all the big, wide world, a horse jumping over a fence, into a road, is not such a major event. But for a car traveling down that road, a car that has to brake suddenly, a car in which one child is not held by a seatbelt, it is earth shattering. 6
Brakes squeal. Children scream. Bones crack as legs are crushed awkwardly beneath their young owner. Her backside slams hard into the carpeted floor. The loosened seatbelt snaps tight, its edge slicing along the left side of her neck and jaw. Small, sisterly hands reach out and hold her. The last thing she knows before the blackness.7
***8
TEN YEARS LATER9
See that Volks Wagen, trundling around the edge of the River City? Recognise it? Ten years ago, the paint was brighter and the drive was smoother, but it’s still the same car. See the family inside? Over the decade, they have changed as well, but they are also the same. All but one. The husband and wife still argue about the radio, though now the good natured jibes are gone. On the backseat, far left, eighteen year old Judith has given up the pretence of academia in exchange for a gap year, iPod and SMS-clogged mobile. Still in the middle, sweet sixteen year old Sandra buries her pretty face in a copy of “Orlando” with rather more enthusiasm than her essay on Woolf might require. Now look at the right hand seat. The one where Hannah used to sit. It looks so empty now, without her smile. But look again! It’s not empty. 10
The girl who sits there is no longer Hannah, although they still call her that. It took years for the face to harden and the deep-honey hair to darken to mud-brown. It hangs around her face like a child’s invisibility cloak: “If I can’t see you, you can’t see me.” And nobody does. But, in truth, this girl stopped being Hannah on the day of The Accident. The day her smile vanished, replaced by a slight, permanent, frown. That was the day that Hannah disappeared. And became me. I know I’m not Hannah, because Hannah was happy. I remember being her. I remember the joy. I just don't remember how to feel it.11
To be continued
Author notes
Title from the 1959 film "Some Like It Hot" about a jazz band. Plot inspired by the 2004 French film "La Premiere fois que j'ai eu 20 ans" also about a jazz band. I'd like to make this a screenplay someday.
*Note: Names and the concept of Hannah's talent for jazz are the only original parts of "La Premiere fois que j'ai eu 20 ans" to feature in these sections. "The Accident" and related material are all mine
In a list
A contest entry
- gimme a story about MUSIC! by YourPinUpDoll.
200 points, ended February 29, 2008, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Aussie Rules by tallblondie.
1050 points, ended October 19, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I quite like the style of this story - told as if from the viewpoint of an observer looking in - detached. It is not until I read to the end that I could understand why you used this particular style - and I will admit it is rather effective. The short, snappy sentences to describe the accident were also quite powerful.
Thank you for your entry in Aussie Rules.
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This was great.
I really loved this, and I really want to know more about what happens.
"Brakes squeal. Children scream. Bones crack as legs are crushed awkwardly beneath their young owner. Her backside slams hard into the carpeted floor. The loosened seatbelt snaps tight, its edge slicing along the left side of her neck and jaw. Small, sisterly hands reach out and hold her. The last thing she knows before the blackness."
^ I LOVE that paragraph. Seriously.
And I think your description was really good. The only change that I would suggest is writing out the word "forty-five" in the first paragraph. I dunno, I just think it would look better...? :]
Anywho, great job!
-jj
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I WANT MORE AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!
ARGH!! Now I want even more than i did before... i like your cliff hangers though, they are really captivating good job on the description at the end introducing that the author IS Hannah and this is her story... -
Gosh dang it i hope you continue this soon i want to read more... Sorry about earlier... its good that you took yoor time on this...
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Yes it is!!!! Its a story!!!! YAY!!! you did it!!!
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Soooo... where is this story that you should be writting?? The contest ends on MONDAY!!!its WEDNESDAY!!!!
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Is this what you're after?
J.P. Troy
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Oh and JAZZ ROCKS ALL YOUR SOCKS!!!!!!
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Where is the story???
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Patience
Give me a break, haha, the contest doesn't close for ten more days. I'm working on it.
J.P. Troy -
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Are you going to edit this because you can only enter one story for my contest
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Yes.
J.P.T.
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