Now I held that fragile scale in my cupped palm. The stream still ran out of the cave on my right. I sat down on the grassy bank enjoying the feel of the new sprouts while the smell of damp soil lingered in my nose. Around me the wind had picked up, blowing the taller grasses and flowers. Trees with still maturing leaves danced and waved as the clouds gathered over top of me.1
I’d better get started or I’ll get rained on before I’m through, I thought to myself. I was anxious to find out what the flake could be. 2
The river seemed the best place to put an unknown scale, so I slid my feet into the stream. Awkwardly I held up my hem, while balancing the specimen. All the while the bracingly cold water was numbing my feet. Gently I laid the scale on the surface. Around me the breeze stopped as though it too was waiting. Under normal circumstances fish and water dwelling mammals would be next, so I wasn't deviating from the schedule Mastercreator Ruben had set down. The multicolored scale flashed as the newly formed sun shined down on its surface. It floated in front of my rapidly numbing feet before the current swept it away. I tried to keep it in my sights, but lost track of it as I slipped and splashed through the knee high water.3
I dragged myself to the grassy bank and heaved myself up to a sitting position, out of breath. Laying back I slowed my breathing and listened for any change in the valley. 4
Moments passed, clouds floated above, some wispy at first and then swollen with rain. Soon it would rain and still no sign of the creature the scale would become.5
I sat up with relief as the feeling returned to my goose bumped legs. Swallowing my disappointment about the unknown scale, I shuffled up to my well-used satchel. 6
Pushing the scale from my mind I concentrated on finding my vial of dried seaweed and ground fish scales.7
Upon finding the sickly green mixture, I promptly poured it in the water. Immediately, the blend was taken downstream, lost to my eye as the scale before it had done. I stepped in to get a better look.8
Near the bend in the swift moving river, a white froth began bubbling. A torrent of movement began like hungry fish coming up to feed. Ripple after ripple erupted, causing the water to lap the sides of the banks. Dirt slid in and the water turned a bark brown.9
As quickly as it started, the activity stopped. Silver flashes slid beneath the surface. Rapidly they charged at my feet, only to swerve at the last moment. 10
I reached into the icy water and grabbed one of the slippery beasts. It squirmed and thrashed as I held it out of the water. A muted gray colored fish gleamed as the sun hit its sides, and I smiled in satisfaction. This was just one of many species to come.11
I climbed out to the soft grass by the river. The sun warmed my numb toes as I wiggled them in the sun heated soil.12
"Another success. One more, and I can return home."13
My bag was lying where I had left it and I crawled to it. Loam and crushed grass were surrounding me.14
Author notes
Edited 2/24/08
In a list
[Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Wow! Your story might be short, but it is really, really good. I love your descriptive writing. It tells me the setting, the smell, what I am seeing. You control my senses when I am writing. The beginning: "Now I held that fragile scale in my cupped palm. The stream still ran out of the cave on my right. I sat down on the grassy bank enjoying the feel of the new sprouts while the smell of damp soil lingered in my nose. Around me the wind had picked up, blowing the taller grasses and flowers. Trees with still maturing leaves danced and waved as the clouds gathered over top of me." That shows lots of talent. Not very many people can write like that, and you should be proud that you can. It is just amazing by what you can write. You are one of the few writers that make coming to Story Write worthwhile. Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! That is just too good. I hope you keep on writing, and I wish you lots of luck in Story Write.
MagicMonster00M
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks so much for the praise. I have more to this story and am working on the seven part.
Again thank you for stopping by and reading.
Brooke
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A shorter segment, but interesting nonetheless - especially since, after all the build up about the colorful scale, we haven't found out what it is yet! I hope we do in a future chapter, or I might die of curiousity! *laughs* You have such an imagination for how things are created! I enjoy it immensely.
. Rewarded 6
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Thanks for stopping by and reading this. It was a short segment. I sometimes just pop in what I've written and then when I'm finish I'll go and see where the chapter should be. I really liked this part and wanted to see what others had to say about it.
Thanks again for reading. I think in the next part or the one after that you do find out what the scale it.
Brooke
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Chuckles....
I wonder if 'mother nature' is knowing of the nature of big fishee's to eat small fishee's and their carniverous nature as they mature and predator and prey? How does one exist without the other? My oh, my, da mamma creator has such mystery and surprise in store on might peruse!
smiles....good luck!
amicus...
. Rewarded 6
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Thank you for continuing to read. I think I'm really getting the hang of this stuff.
Brooke
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this was a fantastic story. Good imagination. this chapter flows really well. this makes me want to read more. It will be an amazing story once u finish it. keep writing.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks I should have the sixth chapter up next week. Hope you'll continue to read.
Brooke
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Again, this was fantastic! I really hope you can get through this and finish it in some form. I'm so very impressed with your imagination!
The flow of the writing is superb in this little chapter. So well done. I just wish it were longer!
Excellent work. Again, good luck with plotting on this. I think you'll have a gem when it's complete.
. Rewarded 6
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I'm at a lose to respond. But again thank you for reading all of them And for liking my work
Brooke
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Wow! Beautiful, beautiful imagery! The words you use to describe all of the images just take my breath away. This is magnificent Syren. I very much enjoyed it and I am on to the next chapter now
~Joann
. Rewarded 4
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Stop it you are making me
Brooke
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Wow
Full of images but still managed to keep the story going without having to 'hop around'. But to be honest, I'm at a lost for words to say about this very intriguing and interesting story. Keep penning
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you
Brooke
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An enjoyable read. Very clear yet almost lyrical,
'Now I held that fragile scale in my cupped palm. The stream still ran out of the cave on my right. I sat down on the grassy bank enjoying the feel of the new sprouts while the smell of damp soil lingered in my nose. Around me the wind had picked up, blowing the taller grasses and flowers. Trees with still maturing leaves danced and waved as the clouds gathered over top of me.1' Lovely description., I could ‘see’, ‘feel’ and ‘smell’ where you were.
An enjoyable read. Very clear yet almost lyrical, even if I had never read any of it before I would know what was taking place.
I do hope she put that wiggly little fellow back in the water before it expired. It could be someboy's graddaddy.
You might take a gander at this; I climbed out to the soft grass by the river. The sun warmed my numb toes as I wiggled them in the sun heated soil.12(oops this sounds like she is standing.)My bag was lying where I had left it and I crawled to it. (and without dropping down, she is crawling) Gotta earn my pay yah know--
Query? are you going to build this into novel length?
Geri
. Rewarded 8
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You are always so nice. Thank you. I am trying to make this a full length, but I am running into a wall. I'm trying to get a conversation going between Kyle and Sabrina but other things keep happening and it seems like I'll never get there. This is why I write in parts. I get frustrated and post what I have hoping to come back later. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
I added 'sitting position' in that paragraph so now it sounds right Thanks for pointing it out.
Brooke
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i havent read the first two parts, but this is very interesting.
lovely imagery.
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I really enjoyed the descriptions in your story. It was like I was there when you used a lot of showing style in this story.
For such a small piece, you were very clear in what was happening. It was well written, with proper grammar and story structure. The little dialogue was just right for the story and placed apprpriately.
It was a great story. Nice work.. Rewarded 8
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Thanks and wow! no missing comma's? No misspelled words? Yahoo I'm moving up in the world.
Thanks
Brooke
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this is a great piece! I enjoyed the vivid descriptions and I could feel myself being drawn in- I was there. Great Job!
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
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I really like this! I never thought of creation in humanistic terms before, and I really liked the way this felt.
I did find a few nits, which I have edited below.
Swallowing my [disappointment] about the unknown scale[,] I shuffled up to my well-used satchel.
Upon finding the sickly green mixture[,] I promptly poured it in the water. Immediately[,] the blend was taken downstream, lost to my eye as the scale before it had done. I stepped in to get a better look.
As quickly as it started[,] the activity stopped.
A muted gray colored fish gleamed as the sun hit its sides[,] and I smiled in satisfaction.
"Another success. One more[,] and I can return home.". Rewarded 8
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Thanks for pointing those out. I will go and fix them now. Glad you enjoyed this.
Brooke
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Excellent
I really enjoyed this one. I need to go back and read the other parts. I didn't see SPAG.
You did a great job here!
lynn
http://storywrite.com/story/143586
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks Lynn.
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This is excellent. Not usually my style, but I enjoyed it. Now I will have to go back and read parts one and two to get the full picture.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for reading this and I hope you enjoy the other parts.
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I understand paragraph 8 perfectly fine. I like this story. It's interesting
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Thanks
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Paragraph 8 is hard to follow for me. The sentence "as had the scale before it done" confused my already confused mind. I think, for me, at least, that it would be better worded as "as the scale before it had done" connecting the auxiliary verb more directly to the verb which it is "helping."
Other than that, I didn't see anything to fix. Very nicely done, though I'm curious as to what's going on in this story. Good job!
. Rewarded 8
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I'm curious too
I have no idea. I still haven't figured out what the 'unusual scale' is yet. *sighs* It'll come to me.
Ok I like that way you wrote that. So I'm going to change it. I didn't like the way I had it, but because my brain is small I couldn't think of another way to write it.
Brooke
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Ooooh
This is interesting although a little short. Maybe if I read parts one and two I'd understand it better, as it is I think it's really nicely written; engages interest and holds it.
A lot of potential - lovely.. Rewarded 4
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You are right it is short. I found that more ppl are willing to read the short parts. And really I don't write very fast so if I post them early it's because I haven't posted in a while
Thank you for reading this and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Brooke
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