Lottie is going into labor, her husband Harold jumps out of bed, runs over to her side of the bed trying to help her out of bed. As she finally gets up she looks at him and says, "honey slow down". he tries but his nervousness won't let him. They walks down stairs to the living room, and out the door they go. Harold opens the car door for her, she struggles to get in, finally she is in the car, he shuts the door. They drive off(speeding) to the hospital.1
They hear a police siron, Harold pulls over, rolls down his window when the officer walks up to the car. Harold says," what's wrong officer". The officer says to Harold, "you know you were speeding". Harold says "yea, my wife is in labor we are on our way to the hospital."2
The officer says,"I'll escort you". So they get to the hospital. the nurse hands Harold some papers to fill out. Harold tells the nurse,"don't you see my hands are shaking mam, I can't think straight."So the nurse said, "I'll fill it out for you I just ask you for the information and you tell me ok." Harold agreed. 3
Nurse: insurance4
Harold: yea we insured5
Nurse: no what kind of insurance do you have?6
Harold: one of the good ones.7
Nurse: Well which one?8
Harold: One with the blue cross.9
Nurse: Blue Cross Blue Shield?10
Harold: I think so.11
Lottie:Harold get your ass over here right now.12
As Harold is walking over towards Lottie, a male nurse comes out to take her to the delivery room. The nurse that was helping Harold fill out the paper work took Harold to the prep room to get ready for the delivery.13
Nurse: Mr. Boobs let's go and get ready for the delivery14
Harold: Delivery...what delivery?15
Nurse: Your baby sir.16
Harold: Oh yea.Oh my God, I am going to be a daddy.17
As he get ready for the delivery, he is talking to himself, asking a question?18
Harold: Am I going to be a good father?19
Nurse: I'm sure you would be sir, just calm down.20
They enters the delivery room.21
Doctor: Oh Mr. Boobs come right over here and stand next to your wife.22
Harold walks over to Lottie.23
Harold: Dear everything is going to be alright. We are in good hands.24
Lottie: This is not the ALLSTATE COMMERCIAL.25
Harold: what...26
Lottie lets out this scream. A scream that can break glass.27
Doctor: Push, here comes the head. Mr. Boobs you want to see your baby?28
Harold: Yes.29
As Harold approaches the bottom of the table to see, all of a sudden he faints. He knocks over a table with some medical instruments on them. Cling cling.30
Doctor: Nurse get him out of here.31
Nurse: Yes doc.32
Doctor: Push lottie way down.33
Lottei: Damit I am.(grinding her teeth).34
Doctor: You have a son.35
Now Lottie heard her baby scream, then all of a sudden she didn't hear it anymore.36
Lottie: I want my baby, Where's my baby?37
They clean up Lottie and takes her to her room. Harold comes to the room.38
Lottie: Harold we had a son. But, they rushed me out of there so fast I didn't even get to hold him long. Go find out what happend.39
Harold leaves to go and find the doctor or nurse to see what's going on with the baby.40
Harold: Hey doc. Hey doc.41
Doctor: Yes.42
Harold: Can you tell me what's wrong with my son, my wife just had him.43
Doctor: Mr. Boobs, I'm sorry your baby boy died.44
Harold breaks down in tears.
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is his story sad and believable?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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A good concept for a story, as many people have this fear. I think you shoul work on the structure of your sentences. Also, the ending was sorta abrupt. Anyways, good job.
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tnx for entering the contest and srry for the late comment.
wow this is really good and sad! i loved it. you need to work on the flow though. some of your sentences just end and it seems like there should be more. you could also use some discription in this story. you didnt really discribe anything and i would have loved to know how these soon to be parents were acting. its so sad that they lost their child! its a great story. good luck and keep up the great work.
-LostSoul
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I liked it.A while ago my friend got caught speeding by a cop, my friend explained that his wife was in labour but he still got a ticket, oh yeah did I explain that it was the cops ex girlfriend in labour.Keep writing.
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It was a little halting in places, just in that some of the events happened too fast with not much in between. Some things make more sense though when you have more to read, and it tends to explain itself. I'd like to read the rest, I think it would be funny to see how Harold acts during the birth. One suggestion, make sure you use good detail... in the right places. Especially if you describe the birth. Detail can be funny... but too much in the wrong places might make things a little uncomfortable.
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its a good start. Its good and very interesting if there is more i would love to read more.
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Good
I like the interjection of humor. It is very real in a disturbing way. Write on.
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Are you adding more? I would like to read more of this story.
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