In the darkness she sat alone on the cold steps outside her house.1
Breathing in deeply, breathing in the hurt and suffering she had just encountered.2
Nothing could make up for what had just happened to her, nothing would be able to drown the tears away in the midnight sky.3
Along the footpath a hooded figure made his way closer towards her.4
She looked up, not caring at all if he was about to harm her. Nothing could account to the pain she was already feeling. She probably would not even mind if he tore her apart.5
Instead the hooded figure stopped short in front of her crumpled body and got down on his knees. Sliding his hand under her chin, bringing it into the light that shone from the street lights.6
Her tears remained and fell, slowly trickling down her nose. Her body had become frozen with his touch.7
“Let me take you away fair maiden,” he whispered, musically almost sensually as his hand lowered down to rest lightly on her shoulders.8
She felt a wave, a feeling she had never felt before something that of hope, of acceptance, of love.9
“Who are you,” she asked nervously trying desperately to sink into his touch, to embrace his warmness instead of her body replacing it with fear.10
“I am the Dark one, the Dark Angel, destined to save you, to love you and to keep you safe, I am Ben.”
Author notes
<3 This is the next part of My short story ... Based on My Dark Angel <3
In a list
A contest entry
- 500 Points for Imagery! by beezy92.
750 points, ended March 18, 35 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Deep opinions, Honest opinions, helpfull Opinions
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Good
I am not one to offer anything bad, but i would have loved more back-story in this opening. I foudn that i wondered just who she was. But i foudn that i identified with her and her frustration and sadness. A good beginning, that holds my interest.
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Interesting. I like it. I think it needs a little background...what had hurt her so much. Because that isn't developed it makes it seem kind of angsty and not necessarily real, but it's not their yet. The emotion feels real and believable. It was a good write. I liked her feeling so devastated and being desperate just to change the feeling and find something else to replace it...which happened to be love from a dark angel. It was good. Finalist list (=
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For a short piece this was very powerful. Your left wanting to know what happened to her, who this Dark Angel is? and what he wants with her? Its left open and you could pretty much do anything with it. Line 2 was very powerful! Will read more of this!
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OOOO!! he will love this piece how awesome! (pardon the spelling!)to slip into his warmth! I like that bit. the idea of being hurt and cold and something like a higher power coming and filling you with a mystical warmth like the sunshine on your face on a summers day. wicked work.
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Interesting.
'never felt before, something of hope,'
Is this a different woman than the one in the first chapter? This chapter was interesting. You might go into more detail about why she was feeling so distraught.
Andy -
This may be a short chapter but it's definately beautifully written and written well. You did such a great job with this. I wondered at first what happened to the girl during the beginning but I think I have a small idea of it. I'm off to read the next part of this.
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OH! I like it!
Really nice start, the clues and things made me wonder exactly what happened to the girl before the dark stranger came for her, though I have somewhat of an idea. It sounds like a familiar fantasy many have, but nonetheless, it is beautifully writtin. Off to read more.
|x|Mel|x|
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A great start
This looks to be a good story, though I won't say more for looking full of myself. Going to read the next chapter...
DarkOne -
Awww. That's sweet. I like the description you use and the imagination. Off to read more.
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Beautifully written! This is really holding my interest and it's very intriguing. I always love your work, but there is something about this one that makes me love it even more.
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These short chapters seem to be your friend. You are really wrigint them good. I feel this is good.
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Again, very poignant. This is really working well for you, these short chapters. It seems like you're maybe putting more thought into them because they're shorter? That's just what it seems like to me. You've definitely gotten me intrigued with this story, especially that Dark Angel. I like how he rambled off that he was 'the dark one, the dark angel...' and then just said 'I am Ben.' It really worked. It gave him a bit more depth as a character. and you've also got me intrigued about what happened to her to make her so desolate, so hopeless.
Corrections--
"“Who are you,” she asked nervously trying desperately to sink into his touch, to embrace his warmness instead of her body replacing it with fear.10" Question mark, and maybe a comma after asked.
Other than that, I really didn't see any problems. Keep going, girl.
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