He was the Dark one Angel.1
My heart fluttered and swirled and my insides tingled with joy.2
“Oh Darkness sweep across me, take me whole, consume me, bask me in your glory.”3
"I took the Angels hand, as he carried me home, lifting me high into the air."4
“Queen of Darkness I could think of nothing better than freeing you tonight.”5
In his arms, the warmness soon crept its way into my seemingly cold body. The ice that had kept my heart in captivity crackled and chipped away, as the fire in our desire heated up.6
Until we reached our final destination I lay my head in his shoulder, my back arched by his tight, loving embrace. 7
His wings wrapping themselves around my naked body as his fingertips found there way to the magical spot that made me cry in Ecstasy.8
“Scream for your master,” he groaned seductively, sinking his angelic vampire teeth into my snow white flesh.9
The shock of that powerful surge, the orgasmic feeling of his lips upon my open wound as he lapped up my precious blood was enough to cast me into a sense of seclusion for eternity in his eyes.
Author notes
Choclate chip Ice cream with fudge... A nice dark one
In a list
A contest entry
- Whichcraft March Contest by whichcraft.
140 points, ended March 20, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Deep opinions, Honest opinions, helpfull Opinions
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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At the beginning, its a little confusing, I had to read and reread it a few times. Its the qotation marks that caught me. Is this person speaking in this line- "I took the Angels hand, as he carried me home, lifting me high into the air."4 - Or is it a peice of non dialoge, if so. The qoutation marks should be removed, and if not, exaplin it a bit better. Alsodetail and characters could be expalined more, and in deeper depth.
Other then that it was captivating, I liked the word choises and the storyline behind it.
Love
Karbear.
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Oh, Wow! This definitely sounds very exciting! I love stories like this!
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Decided it was time to read some of your stuff. This, definitely sounds interesting....looking forward to it
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This was a great flash fiction which was intense and had me latched on until the end. I would say that it's too short but it said all that it had to say. Thank you for entering in the Bite Me contest and good luck.
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I really love this story, I think it is beautifully written, and it is darkly beautiful in itself......but please tell me how it fits with my contest or I can't keep it in!
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whitt woo!!! OMG! that was cool! I love the image. that was so powerful I love it. The imagery of the wings folding round her and filling her with escasy was a brilliant description. 10/10
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Good Start.
'"Queen of Darkness, I could', 'I lay my head on his shoulder', 'Seclusion' doesn't see like the right word in the last sentence.
This is pretty well written and makes an interesting start to your story. I really like the picture. You need to categorize it as adult, however; because the picture shows her breasts.
Andy
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You seem to have this 1st Person perspective down to a fine art, I have to say. The language used is highly descriptive and allows a reader to picture the images in one's mind. This is a good piece and I look forward to reading more.
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Hmmm...quite interesting...I'm curious to see where this goes. I'll try to read the rest since they seem quite short and sort out these characters. Excellent imagery in this piece.
All/most of the mistakes were pointed out below so I won't bore you with those details. Now, to make it more interesting...how to make another vampire story original? That's your challenge. Good luck!
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The imagry is powerful, but let me point out just a few errors in this.
Sentence two should have a comma before the third and.
Sentence four Angels should be Angel's.
And actually speaking of sentence four I think that it would flow better if you combined them, maybe like this:
"I took the Angels hand, as he carried me home, lifting me high into the air."
That's only a suggestion though.
And let me just say that I love the final sentence in paragraph six. It really makes the scene that more sensual.
In sentence seven there should be a comma after destination, and instead of 'in' I think you mean 'on' because how can someone lay their head 'in' someone else's shoulder?
In sentence eight 'wrapping' should be 'wrapped'.
In sentence nine there should be a comma after angelic, and after snow.
All errors aside, this read beautifully and had a magical, sensual feel to it without going over the top. Nice job, was worth the read.
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wow! you need to write more of this. it was an excellent read with good descriptions awsome job!
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I do that all the time and is a fraid what comes out is bad but has been proven wrong time and time again. This is more them pretty good it's dam good.
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Um...WOW
This is going to be good. I really liked the way that you drawed us into the story and how I want to read more. Very good job.
DarkOne -
Wow, AMAZING description! As always
. I found this particularly interesting because it does seem original, and your words were so beautiful. What a unique picture as well. Great work! Off to read more!
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Ohhhh I like!! You have such a talent for darkness dear. I loved this piece and your writing in it is amazing. Short, hot and I can't wait for more of this! That end part... Wow! talk about hot! hot! On to read the next part now
Joann
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Very good write. I think this is well written and came out very good. A very short but understanding story.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was very poignant. That's the main word that comes to my mind. It's very subtle yet sensual without going over the top. This is my favorite kind of writing, to be honest. All vampires aside, the sweet and sensual way in which you wrote it really brought the piece to life. Not to mention I absolutely ADORE that last sentence. Wow. So elegant.
Only a few minor mistakes, which means you're improving! <3
"I took the Angels hand, as he carried me home. As he lifted me high into the air.4"--this could probably do with making into a full sentence, making the period a comma instead. It'd improve the flow of it. (: And "Angels" should probably be "Angel's."
"His wings wrapping themselves around my naked body as his fingertips found there way to the magical spot that made me cry in Ecstasy.8"--there should be their, and possibly (or it may just be my preference) "wrapping" could be "wrapped" so that the sentence is more solid.
I told you, minor corrections. I really, really like this piece, Blair. I'm very impressed.
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