I was cleaning up my stuff after the bell rang, signaling that school was over, when two hands covered my eyes. A deep voice said, "I have a surprise for you..." He dropped his hands and grabbed my shoulders, turning me around.1
"Hey, Matt," I answered back. "What's going on? And... What's this surprise?"2
He smiled a devious smile, flashing his pearly whites. I sighed. He was definitely the perfect guy.3
"Tell me!" I pleaded, giving a friendly shove. But Matt just shook his head, beaming all the while.4
My grouchy history teacher, Mrs. Conner, stepped into the room and shoved us out. "Katie and Matt! Out, NOW!" Reluctantly, we obeyed.5
When I reached my locker to put my stuff away, Matt was still there, watching me like a hawk. He had the look on his face. The look when he was deep in thought. After a while, he just asked, nervously, "Are you thinking of going out with any other guy?"6
I creased my eyebrows. "No, of course not! Why would you think that? You're the only guy for me." I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a hug, tracing the pattern around his top. "I would never think that." Then a thought crossed my mind. "You're not thinking that, are you?"7
He suddenly blushed. "No, not really..." He scratched the back of his head, ever so cute.8
"Not really? What do you mean not really?" Was he actually cheating behind my back?9
I sunk against the lockers, all the strength being drained out from me. I checked my mirror. I was unbelievably pale. Was he going to break up with me?10
Matt bent down, nearly touching the floor. My eyes were watering when he grabbed my hand and pulled my limp body upward. "Do you want the surprise or not?" His voice was quavering.11
I looked down and shrugged. I'm not sure I really wanted it anyway.12
He anxiously licked his lips, staring intently at me. Then he moved closer, and our lips met. I closed my eyes and tears ran down my face. My hands went around his neck and pulled him closer. Matt played with my hair a little, and when we came up for breath, he smiled. "You're the only one for me."13
I giggled slightly and grabbed his belt, bringing us into another kiss. This time, he backed me up against the lockers and told me how long he had been waiting to do this. "Me too," I whispered, and kissed him again.14
Both my arms went around him and Mrs. Conner came around the corner, eyeing us, and flounced down the hallway, grabbing at us. "Please take this outside," she demanded.15
We rose and walked over to a small, sturdy tree, holding hands. I smiled. This was where we had first met, and this was where he had first asked me out. Now this was where we were having our first kiss... Kind of.16
This time, he was the one being backed up. "So how do you like this surprise?" he questioned, cuddling my face in his hands.17
I reached up and gave him another, quick kiss. "Perfect."
A contest entry
- MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE! by Julia-Black.
220 points, ended February 29, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ~Lovey Dovey~ by Katty.
150 points, ended March 31, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What Is Perfection? by Frozen Angel.
225 points, ended July 20, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
So what do you think? Please comment.
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I do not know what to say...Good luck in my contest.
*Frozen Angel* -
My first on starting to read this was that I felt the almost passive beginning of the comment killed the story. Well, no, not killed it, but it wasn't much of a hook. As a reader, I am a fickle creature and need to be tricked into continuing to read. The first sentence is usually vital. The story does make a comeback with the "suprise", but perhaps the first sentence could be restructured to avoid using a "was" in there, and add a few more concrete details?
For example, a possible alternative could be -
"The school bell rang. I grabbed my notebook, closed it and stuffed it into my bag. The pencil started rolling and I snatched at it. Suddenly, two hands covered my eyes."
Now this is rather different, and I am not saying that this is necessarily how it should be or that it is better, but what I do mean to say is that it lets the reader imagine what is going on more. The more examples and concrete images there are, the more engaging a story is, usually.
One thing that I did enjoy about the story as I read on was the use of different length sentences to follow the narrator's thoughts. (Paragraph 3 for example). It's combination of semi-formal narration that makes the main character believable.
I was surprised that a teacher would shove students. That's nearly a criminal offense in most places. Also, the reason it caught my eye was the close repetition of the word "shoved". If the image stays, maybe a synonym?
I noticed a couple cliche descriptions in the story - they generally lesson the impact of the image on the reader. Maybe there could be another vivid way to describe a hawk-like stare?
As for the story, ouch, he really did make her panic, the poor girl, but aww, that was a wonderful and sweet ending. A first kiss in a relationship and then a walk to under the trees. It does indeed sound like a warm, happy and perfect moment and the story does a good job of building up the suspense for it.
So yes, here are a few thoughts, hopefully not too un-useful.
Kind regards,
Solidarity
. Rewarded 8
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perfect
hi,
thanks for such a wonderful story. its awesome. i just loved it. i have read such a good story after such a long time. it made me smile all the while.
i have to thank you once again for writing so beautifully
take care and keep up the good work
. Rewarded 4
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Lol awww Nice write!
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thanx so much
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Such a sweet story of first love. Makes me remember my good ol' days. Great! Can't ait to read more of your work.
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This is awesome! I felt like I was back in school... although I didn't have any true romance until... uhhh, university? Anyways, I loved it.
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This was ahdorable....I love it
Keep up the gurd work!!! =D -
Awww! This is great! I really love this! It's so romantic and sweet! Awww!!! You need to feature this! I'm sure other people will like this too! Bravo! Great job and keep the great work up!
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Awww that is so sweet. I enjoyed that story, it was cute.
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awwwwwwww........... cute!
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*pokes*
this was really good. you should enter my contest.
i really do like this story. *nods* yeppers. it's cute and it's sweet too. you're obviously a talented writer.
it made me grin.
i hope i can read more stories in the future!
erica♥xoxo
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Just joined. Sweet opening to my membership. First love is the best
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I loved it! It was in the same area as I'm looking for, very descriptive and well written. I was just wondering what happened about the unfaithful boyfriend? It seemed to just push to the back pages, you know what I mean? Anyways, good luck in the contest. You have great potential as a writer
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this is perfect! it was really unique not alot people go in to detail like you did
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thanks! glad you enjoyed! ^_^
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Perfect...maybe.
This was a good, generic love scene, but I was a little confused by the plot. When the two of them kissed, it seemed like it was something that they did all the time. I didn't realize until the second-last paragraph that it was actually their first kiss. Also, what happened to the unfaithful-boyfriend part of the plot? Did that just go out the window once they kissed? It's not that I can't see this happening in real life, because I can, but I'm not really seeing the point in writing a story about it. I just can't find a plot.
On the other hand, your speech was great, your characters were realistic, and the dialog was somewhat believable.
Oh, and one more thing: Katie and Matt didn't reluctantly listen to Mrs. Conner; they reluctantly obeyed.
Don't be discouraged by me! You have real potential as a writer! Just keep working hard and having fun.. Rewarded 8
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aww how sweet. makes me want to throw up cause people are so happy lol just kidding really very nice.
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what a sweet love story
i'm a sucker for a love story, ask anyone. this was was particulary good, because it made me worry that they might break up, darn it! i was scared for a bit there
the characters were real, and i could relate to them. you had some good emotions in there. you had some good vocab too. very cute read
one thing, though. when she says "hello, matt", it seems kind of awkward. i dont think i've ever said "hello" to anyone, and i don't think many teens do either. maybe "hey" or "whats up" might work better?
thanks for the comment on my story! and the friend request. welcome to SW! great first story on here.
♥sarah
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aww how sweet ^^ hehe romance is my weak spot lol
great lil story, its clear to see the loving emotions within each charactor. gud work xoo
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The activity meshed well with the dialogue.
Good morning Chokolate,
Your young couple made for a delightful easy to ‘See’ scene. The activity meshed well with the dialogue.
A few things for you to look at;
My grouchy history teacher, Mrs. Conner, stepped into the room and tried shoving us out. "Katie and Matt! Out, NOW!" Reluctantly, we listened. (This is a bit contradictory. She didn’t just try she did it. )
Both my arms went around him and Mrs. Conner came around the corner, eyeing us, and flounced down the hallway, grabbing at us. "Please take this outside," she demanded.15 (I was rather wondering what happened to the hall monitor –in our high schools, today, it would be police.)
This was where we had first met, and this was where he had first asked me out. Now this was where we were having our first kiss.16 (Query? What were they doing in the locker room? They were kissing so this isn’t their first kiss.)
You have left a nice hook into the next scene, since we still don’t know what the present is.
Welcome to SW, if we can help in any way please ask.
Geri
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Awwwwwww!!! It's so sweet and extremely cute, the emotion crystal clear and the description precise. I really think you created a masterpiece here. Great write! This is the kind of love I've always dreamed of.
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