He fell from the moon to my cold doorway
delighting in the pleasure of the fall.
The Wind wrapped her arms around his shadow
and escaped with it before I could call:
"Your shadow's gone, but are you here to stay?"1
He spoke, "I have fallen a long way."
But Night, hearing sweetness, was enthralled,
and stole his voice back to her dim hall
to sing lullabies at dawn of Day,
his song lulling her, Day's grim widow. 2
At their thefts, Time gave a sallow
grin: my love's heart withered gray.
No harsh warning could foreshadow
my love's fate. Time stole him away.
She took his life. She stole his all.3
Love has a cruel price to pay.
His body still where it fell:
sprawled flat outside my window.
Rotting flesh feeding caddows.
Love's corpse bereft of shadows.
Author notes
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The poem formatting is called "Asfa'riviera" and is written with each stanza containing a decending number of syllables starting at ten. The end words are all specifically formatted.
Oh, and I love me some off-rhymes.
Interprete this poem as you will. I definitely had my own storyline going. Enjoy the poem! :-)
- Delfishie
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge - The Semi-Finals by Asfand.
100 points, ended March 1, 2008, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is one of my favourite poems formats - unfortunately I've only ever seen it done once or twice, as it's both relatively unknown (I never can remember the name) and not the easiest to pull off by any means. Fantastic job with this one =)
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This is hauntingly beautiful, and the words you used were...amazing, there's no other word for it, that I can think of right now. [Although I'm sure you could.]
You used the poem format perfectly, and although I've never heard of it before, I'm sure this is exactly how it was supposed to be written.
The last line blew me away. The whole poem blew me away.
Good luck in the finals of Asfand's contest.
♥sarah
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Very nicely written. It seemed have a lot of depth. Thank you for sharing it.
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I love this. A lot. This is so deep and touching and I'm happy I decided to read this! Keep on writing, 'cause you're amazing at it. I'll be looking forward to reading more of your work.
Keep up the good work,
-Brian. -
Wow
This is really great. Have you thought about getting this published? It's a very nice story, hidden in a very complicated rhyme scheme. There is a lot professional poetry that isn't this good. Sophisticated, but not snooty.
I loved it.
Usually I can find something wrong.
Not this time.
Fantastic.
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really well written. It had beautiful flow to it, and it was pretty. I liked the 'story line' but I'm not a good poem interpreter so I don't know what it meant. I thought that it sounded really cool though, and if I were rading it I would give it an A+!
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BEAUTIFUL, TRULY BEAUTIFUL!
Hello Megan!
I agree with Asfand about the rhyme, the form, and the theme.
Thank you for such beauty!
Sincerely,
Anaya Roma
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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the rhyme is spectacular. very fee and independant. the idea - very creative, unique.
not a big fan of the run-ons, don't help me in the flow or the emphasis. the metaphors are really beautiful and powerful anf filled with stunning imagery.
simply wonderful -
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