Darkness

The darkness...how did it begin? When did it creep in, unnoticed, uninvited? So long ago it seems, you can barely remember a time when it wasn't there.1

You were very young when it started, just a child really. You first noticed it when you closed your eyes. The darkness. It had always been there, of course, but something had changed. Now it no longer seemed to be merely an absence of light, but something more, something...physical. An inky, shadowy presence of some sort which you could not define, but instinctively feared. As a child, you knew that darkness was something to be wary of. That was where the monsters lived and breathed, those creatures who only existed in unlit corners and musty closets.2

You did not understand, but you were filled with dread. Because this was happening inside of you. It was not the night which threatened, no simple boogeyman under your bed. You knew that the darkness you feared existed only behind your own eyelids. And that realization was the most terrifying, the knowledge that the darkness was yours alone.3

You denied it at first, hoping this was only a passing 'phase' of some sort. You told no one, gave no hint that anything was out of the ordinary. You desperately hoped that no one would notice what was happening to you. Each day the feeling grew, and the darkness haunted you more and more. Every time you closed your eyes, there it was, surrounding you. Even blinking became torture, and sleep was nearly impossible.4

You began having horrible fantasies, frightening images of blood and death. They came unbidden, horrifying you with their graphic violence, yet you were also oddly fascinated by them. You began to fear not only the darkness, but your own mind. It seemed you were slowly losing control, and sometimes you were tempted to just let go completely, to crawl into the safety of the shadows.5

You fought the desire, but the darkness would not loose it's hold on your mind. You woke from fitful sleep with the smell of death in your nostrils, shrieks of the damned ringing in your ears. You looked at your classmates and imagined them mutilated, dying, and your own hands stained with blood. You avoided contact with others, afraid that they would feel your disgust, your confused rage.6

Perhaps they did sense something, had some inkling of your insanity. In any case, you became ostracized, ridiculed by your peers. You spent each day in a state of silent panic. You carefully controlled every movement, every facial expression. You chose your words with caution, speaking rarely, only when absolutely necessary. You lived with the constant dread of being found out, revealed for what you really were. If they ever knew your secret thoughts...You shuddered at the idea, and tried desperately to fit in, or at least not to call attention to yourself.7

You struggled with the darkness, tried to ignore it, but it was useless. There were voices in the dark, oh yes, many voices, and they would not be silenced. They whispered in your ears, taunting you, ridiculing you. They spoke of hatred, rage, violence, revenge. Some muttered and growled, some whispered obscenities, others shrieked and wailed...A constant barrage of sound, never giving you a moment's peace.8

You were preoccupied with death, haunted by horrifying, ghastly visions. In the solitude of your room you drew the blade across your arm, savoring the pain, the smell of blood. Part of you, the part that feared the darkness, wished that you had the courage to slit your wrists. Another part, that which the darkness gripped, wished that it was not your own flesh which you tore, was not satisfied with your own wounds.9

It became harder to resist with every passing day. The darkness had nearly consumed you. You had no friends, as you dared not get close to anyone, for fear they would see through your act. In your loneliness, the darkness sometimes seemed your only companion. You began listening to the voices, their words enthralled you, intrigued you.10

As the darkness overwhelmed you, your fear was forgotten. You no longer remembered a life without the darkness, it had been with you for so long. The voices comforted you, sympathized with you. They explained that your rage was not your fault, that your hatred was righteous. You were superior to those who had made your life hell. They were nothing, worthless parasites, and to wish them dead was justified.11

It was all because of them, they had brought you to this point. The darkness was not insanity, no, not at all. It was clarity, a purer understanding of the world around you. It had allowed you to see your fellow humans for what they really were, not your peers at all but hateful, malicious creatures. They had made you think that you were going crazy, they had caused all the pain and fear. They had forced you to ruin your own flesh, to scar yourself, all for their own amusement.12

You seethed with anger and indignation. Who did they think they were, to treat you so terribly, to abuse you so? You, who were so obviously their superior? They feared you, they sensed your supremacy and wished to steal it away. What other reason could there be? None, you knew, no other explanation made sense. Ignorant fools though they were, they still had a sort of animal cunning. They had formulated this plan to weaken you, to break you down. And it had almost worked, they had nearly beaten you.13

No more. You understood now. You pulled the darkness around yourself like a blanket, secure in the knowledge that you would be avenged. Debts would be paid and revenge would be had. The voices whispered in your ear, and you listened attentively, straining to catch every utterance. As they spoke, you began to smile. They told you what you needed to do, how to right the wrongs that had been done. You nodded, chuckling quietly. For the first time, you answered them aloud.14

"Yes, oh yessss..."15


It was time.16