Melissa was up and ready to go to the beach by 10AM. “I’m leaving for the beach Mom”, she said as she skipped out the door.1
“Be sure to bring your sun block,” her mother called after her.2
“I will. See ya later.” Melissa was anxious to get to the beach since it would be her last swim before heading back home. She was a little sad her summer vacation was coming to an end, but was excited to start her first year of high school.3
The sun was bright and the waves were choppy. Melissa laid out her blanket and threw off her t-shirt and then dove right into the waves. She caught her breath from the initial shock of the cold water and then swam out further than she had ever been before. Melissa floated on her back and day dreamed while the sun warmed her face. She wondered if she would get any of the same classes as Mike Riley. She had a secret crush on him since the seventh grade. She mentally went through her closet at home trying to decide what she would wear on the first day. No, she decided there was nothing in there she could wear. She would need to go shopping as soon as she got home.4
Suddenly without a seconds notice she was caught up in a riptide and pulled under by a fierce under tow. Melissa panicked, gulping in a big mouth of water. Everything around her started swirling as she began to drown. Her arms thrashed about reaching for something to grab onto all around her. Out of nowhere she felt something grab her arm and guide her upwards. A few seconds later she was up on the beach.5
A boy who looked close to her own age was smiling softly as he looked down on her. “Hi my name is Brian.”6
Melissa tried to sit up and spit out some water, but nothing came out. She felt confused and groggy. “I’m Melissa. What happened to me?”7
“You were drowning,” he replied.8
Melissa felt dazed as she looked into his beautiful brown eyes as he spoke. “Why don’t we go to the boardwalk and get something to drink?”9
Melissa nodded and then stood up. She thought she must have been lying on the beach for quite awhile because her bathing suit and hair were completely dry. She stopped at her spot on the beach and threw on a t-shirt. As she walked she felt like she was gliding through the air. She thought it must be the result of almost drowning.10
When they got to the boardwalk Melissa soon found out that Brian had a mischievous side. As they walked among the crowd, Brian tugged on a woman’s sunhat and made her chase it down the boardwalk. He would sneak around the game hawkers and play without paying. Melissa was amazed at how many times he could get away with his little high jinxes. The day went by quickly. They snuck on to all the rides, some of them two or three times. When the sun started to set Melissa told Brian she better start heading back to her motel room.11
“I’ve had a great time Brian and I can’t thank you enough for saving me this morning, but I’ve got go.”12
Brian gave a big sigh. He knew this part would be hard. He looked deep into her blue eyes. “You know you have the most beautiful eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.” Melissa blushed without saying anything. “Why don’t you stay here with me, we could have fun all the time.”13
Melissa laughed, “Oh Brian, you’re silly. I have to go back to my family. I’m going to start high school in two weeks.” 14
Brian took a wisp of Melissa’s honey colored hair and twirled it in his fingers. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but you already left here this afternoon.”15
Melissa laughed, “Brian that’s a little crazy, I’m right here. How could I have left?”16
Brian’s young face looked sad and serious as he said, “I didn’t save you this morning. I wish I could of, but you drowned like I did in 1996. They found your body this afternoon on the beach. That’s why I kept you busy on the boardwalk so you wouldn’t see.” 17
Melissa pulled away from him. “I thought you were kind of nice, but now I think you’re some kind of weirdo.” Melissa walked and then started to run towards the motel where she was staying. As she ran, she thought to herself this can't be true. Brian was just playing a cruel joke. Her emotions were very much alive. 18
When she arrived she found the door locked. She tried to push the door open and went right through the door. She was shocked to find herself in the room. How did she just get inside? She still must be in shock from the drowning. Looking around she noticed that her family and all of their suitcases were gone. Melissa sat on the edge of the bed weeping. She knew now that what Brian had said was true.19
Suddenly she found herself at her own funeral and then home with her grieving family. She couldn't take watching their sadness and drifted back to the beack. For days Melissa wandered the beach and mourned for herself. On the third day she saw Brian at the same spot where her towel was when they met. It was almost as though he was waiting there for her. She walked up and took a seat beside him. “You were right. I’m sorry I ran off like that.”20
Brian put his arm around her shoulders. “I would have done the same thing if someone told me I was dead. I’m sorry you drowned, but I’m happy you’re here. I’ve been waiting so long for someone like you.”21
Melissa started to tear up a bit. “There are so many things I didn’t have a chance to do.” I’ve never been to a prom, or learned to drive, or kissed a boy. Brian stood up and pulled her over to the boardwalk. She laughed while he pulled pranks on unsuspecting people. Now she understood why he got away with it.22
He tugged her along to the tunnel of love. In the dark of the tunnel he gave Melissa her first kiss. At the end of the ride a camera snapped a picture of the empty seat. The guy controlling the ride scratched his head as the picture developed. The only things in color were the eyes. He chalked to up to a technical error. 23
Whenever you go to the beach and your hat blows away or your popcorn mysteriously ends up on the ground, you’ll know Brian and Melissa are out there up to their old tricks.24
Author notes
Rule 5 is missing.
A contest entry
- Picture Inspired........or other things! by J-Menz223.
350 points, ended March 8, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options, options, options. by Yoko.
137 points, ended June 30, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quick! Gimme your best end-of-summer prewrite! by miles of smiles.
350 points, ended August 25, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Can you make me... by Forgotten Tink..
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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"...pulled under by a fierce under tow."
I think undertow is all one word.
"...down on her. “Hi my name is Brian.”"
Could that be "down AT her" instead? and maybe a comma between "hi" and "my name is..."
"Brian’s young face looked sad and serious as he said, “I didn’t save you this morning. I wish I could of, but you..."
It's "could HAVE", not "could OF".
"“There are so many things I didn’t have a chance to do.” I’ve never been to a prom, or learned to drive, or kissed a boy."
I think you may have put the quotation marks in a bit early there.
***********
Okay, so that was really cute
I thought maybe you could make Melissa's character a little more believable? For example, if it was me, I would cry a bit more during my own funeral and maybe spend some time trying t comfort my family - except it wouldn't work because they wouldn't see me.
Overall awesome story though :. Rewarded 8
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ALSO
lol i was scrolling back up the page to leave, and i realized that in the picture of melissa and brian, it was only their eyes that had color. CLEVER! -
AMAZING
when melissa started to drown, i was worried that she would die, but when i found out brian saved her, i was relieved, then i found out that she was dead again! This story made me actually tear up a bit! Although she did die, it felt good to know that there was someone there to comfort her, and make her feel better about the whole situation, especially this kiss and pulling pranks on people. Also, the ending sentence is very powerful!
KEEP ON WRITING!
. Rewarded 8
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That was really well put and the eye thing was awesome. I love how people come up with small details like that. It makes me feel like such a naive writer, but at the same time gets me motivated to write.
thnx for motivating me
Keep writing!~.~
. Rewarded 4
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This story was so cute! I really liked it a lot! You did an awesome job!!!
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Wow! I didn't expect her to drown- it was a very good twist in the story! This piece had a really good plotline, but the writing was a little choppy and the puncuation was scarce. I still liked it, but the mechanics of it were lacking. I also liked the eyes thing- it was a cool detail of the story (and it went along well with the picture, which I liked very much!)
Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck in it.
. Rewarded 8
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awww.That was a good concept. I liked it.
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That is soo sad. She drowned. Sad, sad, sad. Well, atleast she got her first kiss. It had a lot of voice. Gooooood job. Keep writing. Hehe, mew!
. Rewarded 4
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I love this. I loved the twist. I just think that it could have been drawn out a lot though. I mean, her death scene was given one paragraph and that's obviously a major part of the story even though the reader doesn't know it at first. Before I found out she was dead I was going to say that she recovered awfully fast for someone who nearly drowned... obviously there was no nearly about it, but on that same note I think that confusion could have been in the story. The girl obviously thinks she is still alive for a portion of the story, I think there could have been some minor clues to have that Madam Clevel moment to say, "Something is not right." I loved it, I just wish there was more emotion and description in it. Also, dialogue from a new character (like if two people are having a conversation) should get a new paragraph, it just makes things a lot easier to read.
. Rewarded 8
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I like this story a lot, but the writing is really uneven. She drowns so fast, that there was no suspense. There was no feelings of isolation or sadness, besides you telling me she cried in the hotel room. There was no epiphany when she finally figured out she was dead. I wanted more. I felt like you knew where your story was going, but you were almost uncomfortable trying to make it get there. The thing I really did like, was that you foreshadowed nothing, so it was a complete shock to find out she was dead. I was frustrated, because I only liked this story, and I wanted to love it. Nice work though.
. Rewarded 8
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Very good little short story!
I would like to get into writing a little bit happier stories than I do. While this was a tragedy for her family, you told the story in such a way that I felt happy for the young couple. They seemed to be cut out for each other. It kind of reminds me of a story I've read before. I enjoyed this. It was well written and I noticed no errors.
Andy
. Rewarded 6
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