The Masquerade of Lillian Booth Kincaid

Prologue1


The Violation2


I Think I was Praying When I was Dying3

I think I was prayin’ when I was dyin’
Hours past so long
Silence in such deafening a tone
Me and I alone
Why leave me such a way?
Why not let me die?
God please God
Let him not love to the end of the day
Or give me strength just to punch his sister square in the face4

God, she’s going to miss you when she’s gone
She and I
Hours long
Taste like days
It tastes bitter5

Can’t can’t get the images
Can’t get what he done to me away
Out of mind
He left me to die
CrazyBigMan
God’s not going to forgive you6

Let me hide God
Hide me away please
I’m dyin’
Please God Please
I think I was prayin’ when I was dyin’7

He left me here to die
I’m numb all the way inside
Can’t move, my body won’t
Even let out a cry
Just mournful sobs of the
Dyin’ on
Please God Please
I think I was prayin’ when I was dyin’8

My left wrist is broken
My writing hand broken
He put all his weight on it
I heard it go pop and crack
Little me ain’t big enough
To stop CrazyBigMan
Too big to be here with
All the little people
I’m not the first he did
This to I’m not the last9

A chord of fear moves like a snake
Through the body
Is he, is he coming back?
God let me hide
The body let’s out
A deafening scream and10

Still no one hears
The tears flow
Body’s numb
Dead inside
Dead inside
I think I was prayin’ when I was dyin’
Please God Please11

-end12


Five Years Ago13

I know the day so well, like it was yesterday. I was in junior high school. I wasn’t going to turn 13 for another two weeks. It was after 1pm and I was heading down stairs to the girl’s first floor bathroom. It was the only one other then the boy’s bathroom in the whole school. The other 8 were for the teacher’s. It’s a real bummer if you have your period. But that wasn’t why I was going down there. I was going down to smoke. If I hadn’t been down there I may have avoided the whole thing. But then again I had to pee also.14

Since we all had classes near each other me, Lori, Michael and a few others that hung out with us had a system. If any of us took too long in the bathroom we’d come looking after 10 minutes. The school was not really bad but it was bad enough that you learned to be cautious. There were rumors of rapes happening in the school. We weren’t taking any chances.15

I got down stairs to the first floor. The bathrooms are across from the Attendance office. At 1pm every day the woman that sits in there goes on break for 15 minutes, so it’s a good time to go down to have a smoke. I walk into the painted blue and white bathroom. There are two sinks and five stalls on the right, the wall on the left and the window directly ahead. I head to the window. I stick my fingers through the bars so I can open the window. Once I get it up I place my back against the wall. I close my eyes feeling the cold air against my face. I pull out my purple lighter and a cigarette. I click the lighter a few times. I like the sound it makes. I light the cigarette and place it to my lips. I take a long puff before opening my eyes. I’m looking into one of the stalls wondering if I should pee now or later. I just want to enjoy this so I’ll go before I go back upstairs. I can’t remember why I started smoking. I think it calms me. I guess it helps me deal with the loneliness at home. I’ve been smoking for a little under a month. I wonder if I’ll carry this habit into adulthood. I don’t think it matters really. I take a few more puffs. Then everything stops. I get this feeling like someone’s watching me. I turn to the door. Looking back at me is Crazy Big Man. I don’t think I really over knew his name. I called him what everyone called him, Crazy Big Man. He’s this kid that’s in Special Education and he really big. He looks like he should be in high school big. He’s mentally disable and violent but the school feels that there is no need to remove him because they think he’s harmless. The student body thought different but no one really listens to us. I blow him off not really taking in account who he is.16

“The boy’s bathroom is next door.”17

I point to the wall.18

“Next door!”19

Then go back to smoking, looking out the window as if he wasn’t there. Then suddenly I had that feeling again like someone was watching but this time I think my heart stopped. When I turned to look at the door I couldn’t see the door just Crazy Big Man standing no more then an inch away from me looking down at me. He grabbed me before I could scream. I try to fight him but there’s really no room to move. He rips my shirt. I try to burn with my cigarette. He didn’t even know that I was burning him. He throws me down in the direction of the stall I try to get up and he pushes me down. He gets on his knee as he uses one hand to keep me down. I cry out. I scream and yell. No one’s going to hear me until that lady comes back in the Attendance Office. He pulls off my pants. I try to hold on to them keep them but he yanks my hand away and places a knee on my left hand. Placing all his weight on my wrist and I heard it make a sound. I cry out this time in pain. With one hand he unbuckles his overalls. He rips away my underwear. Pulls out his penis looks and me and says with such a straight face.20

“You wanna lick it? All the girls want to lick it.”21

He looks at me for a moment then shrugs his shoulders.22

“You’ll feel better once you let me in.” 23

He moves closer as he’s bringing himself to my face. I look at him. He pokes me on the lips with his penis.24

“Open. Open!”25

I shut my mouth and eyes tight hoping maybe he’ll go away. He puts more pressure on my wrist. But I tried my best not to open my mouth. My eyes flow with tears.26

“Open! Open now!”27

This time he says it while banging on my chest. That I wasn’t expecting. I opened my mouth to cry out and to gasps, both short lived. He stuck his penis in it trying to get to go down on him. After a few pumps he pulls out and says.28

“No fun. No fun. My sister is better then you.”29

He looks at his member in his hand and nods at it. 30

“Round hole, square peg. Wrong lips. Wrong lips. Yeah.”31

He entered me with such force and pain. There was nothing left to do but cry and pray that’ll all but over soon. I felt like he was tearing out my insides. IT WAS HIM; IT WAS HIM HURTING ALL THOSE GIRLS! RAPING THEM AND LEAVING THEM BEHIND LIKE RAG DOLLS! I listen to him under his breath he’d just mutter things at random but not to me and not to himself. He was just saying stuff to some unseen person. 32

“Sister’s better. Likes when I touch her. No good. No good. You like this one? Yeah. It’s like sleeping with the dead ones…….Cool, cool I’m do that later like Superman, yeah!”33

There were moments where he would turn his head to the side like he listening to someone. Then laugh and agree with whatever he heard. The world seemed so far away as his rhythm got faster. He was so careless. I was so afraid he was never going to stop. Then he just stopped. Pulled out of me and stood up. He fixed his clothes and reached down and picked my panties and placed them in the top pocket of his overalls and walked out.34

I laid there waiting to see if he’d come back. I heard about those rumors too. I look around waiting but haven’t made a move to get up. I try but nothing’s happening, nothing’s moving. DO SOMETHING! My body is refusing to move. He’s gone dammit move! What if he’s still there, waiting? What happened? What’s going on? What he do to me? He’s coming back isn’t he? Shouldn’t that lady be back by now? What the hell man? Get up, get up! Oh god, I think he broke hand! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!! I yell at as loud as my voice would carry. I didn’t yell words, just confusion and anger. I couldn’t move my body hurts and now to follow my voice. How come no one came? Didn’t anyone hear me? What going on? What’s happening? What did he do to me? Why did he do this to me? Why did he do this to me? WHY? Where is everybody? I think I hit my head when I fell. Am I bleeding? Am I going to die? I guess I can give up smoking.35

“Lillian? What the hell, you fall in?”36

“Lori!”37

I can hear Lori and another brown haired green eyed girl named Cherry rushed towards me. I watched Lori's face turn to full of just shock and awe. The look on Lori’s face accented in some strange way, her blonde hair. She bends down and pulls me up towards her.38

“What happened, Lillian?”39

“Crazy Big Man.”40

“Oh, God! Cherry go upstairs and get Michael and tell him to bring Lillian’s book bag.”41

“What happened to her?”42

“Cherry go!”43

Cherry rushes off. 44

“Lillian, it’s ok. It’s ok Michael coming down.”45

“I think he broke my hand, Lori.”46

“He did?”47

“That lady not back?”48

“What lady?49

“From the attendance office?”50

“No. Not yet.”51

“How come nobody heard me?”52

I start to cry again.53

“I’m here. Michael’s coming.”54

After about 15 minutes pass Michael comes down. But before him a girl is outside the bathroom about to come in. He cuts in front of her and nicely tells her to go away.55

“Bathroom’s closed.”56

“How do you know?”57

“I just do now go the FUCK away!”58

She runs off. 59

“Cherry, watch the door.”60

He walks in closes the door behind him.61

“It’s after two, why are we cutting now?” He jokes.62

“Shut up Michael and help me get her dressed!” Lori snaps at him.63

It’s after two? Why is this happening? Michael looks at me I turn away.64

“It’s after two? I’ve been here over an hour?”65

Michael just started pulling clothes out from the bag. He never took his eyes off of me.66

“CBM do this?” Michael asks.67

“Yeah.” Lori answers.68

“I will personally beat the shit out of him!”69

“Great, great you do that but help me get her dressed so we can take her the main office. Ok!”70

“Ok. Sorry. But I think we should just throw something over her and bring her upstairs. The police may want her clothes.”71

“Like this? We can’t bring her up like this!”72

“Remember where we are Lori. If she changes clothes do you think they’ll believe what happened to her?”73

“No, they don’t care.”74

He pulls out a shirt from my bag. He puts the bag down and offers to help me up. I panic and think that Michael’s going to touch my wrist.75

“No don’t touch me please!”76

I started to shake. Michael handed the shirt to Lori went to stand near the door. Lori helped me to put the shirt over my clothes. She called out to Michael once she had gotten me standing up.77

“I’m sorry Euphrates, I’m sorry.” I say to Michael.78

“Don’t be mad Michael.” Lori says.79

“I’m not. I mean I am, but not with Lillian. I’m not mad at you Lillian. I just want to put my fist into his face until my hand bleeds.”80

I and Lori walk slowly to the door. Everything is very, very sore.81

“Ok. Ok. Let’s…let’s go upstairs. Ok. Ok?”82

I was shaking so hard I couldn’t think straight. So I must have sounded stupid and crazy to them. We go upstairs to the second floor main office. It was close to dismissal and the staff is getting ready to go home. I lean against Lori. Lori is the one to speak up.83

“Hey, we need to speak to someone!” 84

One of the ladies, Sara behind the counter stops to address us.85

“Kids go back to class. It’ll be time to go home soon.” She says in a tone like she’s ready to go home now.86

“Look, where’s Collins we have to speak with her?” Michael says.87

“What’s wrong with this one? Did she get into a fight?” 88

Sara says referring to me. I look at her. What’s the hell, really, ‘this one’? As if I’m not standing here! Ok that was just wrong. We weren’t getting anywhere they‘re just going to brush us off.89

“I was raped.”90

She just looked at me her jaw dropped.91

“Now will you call Collins?” Michael says to the woman.92

Sara stammers as she goes over to the load speaker.93

“Will Mrs. Collins please report to the main office. Mrs. Collins, report to the main office.”94

When Sara was done she and the other women who worked in the office huddled together near the windows talking about me. I knew because each one looked over at me. Ms. Dorothy came over.95

“You’re Lillian right? You’re in Ms. Sullivan’s class?”96

“Yes.”97

“Do you want to sit down?”98

“No.”99

“Do you know who did this to you Lillian?”100

The phone rings. I watch Sara who is nearest to the phone answer.101

“Main office. Yes. Yes. She’s here. I’ve found out why she didn’t return to class.”102

Sara turns towards the windows before she finished, before she said it.103

“Lillian?” Ms. Dorothy calls my name. I never answered the question. I wonder what Collins is saying to the woman. Maybe we should have called another Dean.104

“Shawn, is his name. I think Lillian needs to go to the hospital.” Michael answers for me.105

“Someone has already called.”106

The woman talking to us comes around the counter to try to hold me or hug me without looking at her I just step back and closer to Lori.107

“Not him again. Everyday that boy’s getting into trouble.”108

Sara hung up the phone and walked over to the counter. Ms. Dorothy goes to make a phone call.109

“Mrs. Collins is on her way. We’ve been looking for you Lillian. We’re sorry that this happened to you. Would like to take seat until Mrs. Collins comes?”110

I turn away from and look out the door. Tears stream down my face. Lori hugs me to her. Ms. Dorothy comes back.111

“Lillian do you have another number we can reach your mother on?”112

“Home and work only.” I say without turning to face Ms. Dorothy. But I know that for a fact my mother is not going to answer either one. Michael softly cruses and goes to the counter.113

“Can I use the phone? There’s someone I can call for her.”114

Ms. Dorothy goes on the other side of the counter and picks up the phone.115

“What is the number?”116

Michael gives her the number. Once it’s starts to ring she hands the phone to him. At first I didn’t know who he was calling until he started the conversation with “Papa” and spoke in French. He had called his father and Mr. Paris was going to get in contact with my Popi. I haven’t seen my Popi in over two years. But one thing that differed with my parents was my Popi was always there for me when I needed even though my mother hated that. My mother on the other hand left me high and dry in most cases. Today would be one of them.117

I watched the hallway as if waiting for something to happen. I looked down at my wrist. I looked bad. Why was everything taking so long? I watched the hallway again and started to hear commotion in the hallway growing louder, followed by the Dean’s calling out.118

“Shawn stop! Stop right there.”119

“I like her! She’s like quicksand. I wanna play again. Don’t touch me! I want, you can’t catch me!”120

Lori and I both called out to Michael who was just finishing up with his father. He turned to the door just in time to see Crazy Big Man run past the Main office with three Deans, and four school safety officers running right behind him. Then came to stand in the doorway was an out of breath Ms. Collins. What was she thinking running after him? Before Collins can say anything Lori and Michael switch places so he can now let me lean on him. 121

“Why is Lillian still here? Did anyone contact her mother?” Ms. Collins asks.122

“We’re still waiting on the ambulance. As for her mother we’re waiting to get in touch with her.”123

“Oh you poor dear it’s going to be ok.”124

As she walked in she tried to get Michael to move so she could hug me. He moved but I didn’t move out of the way in time so she winds up pressing me to her with my left hand caught between us. I cry out in pain pull back from her and start to cry.125

“What happened?” Mrs. Collins asks.126

“Shawn broke her hand.” Michael says as he comes back over to comfort me.127

“OK, kids we’ll take it from here. Go to homeroom we’ll take good care of Lillian.”128

Why I get the feeling she doesn’t want them here as witnesses?129

“I can’t leave.” Michael says.130

“And why not, Mr. Paris.”131

“I’m waiting for my father.”132

“Then you can wait for him in homeroom.”133

“I can’t, my father is coming with Lillian’s father. And he told me to stay with Lillian until they arrive.”134

“Fine. Lori, return to homeroom until dismissal.”135

“I was the first one to find her and I’m going anywhere until I know she’s ok.”136

Mrs. Collins sighs and shakes her head. I’ve seen that look many times. I’ve caused her to have that look. Ms. Dorothy calls to Mrs. Collins.137

“Mrs. Collins there’s a phone call for you.”138

“I can’t take it right now.”139

“It’s Mr. Kincaid and he’s asking to speak with you.”140

She goes over to the phone.141

“Hello Mr. Kincaid. Yes, yes we are doing that now.”142

Her whole face changed as she listened to my Popi yell at her. I could hear him but not the words. Boy, was she in trouble. When he’s angry that’s when his New Zealand accent is the heaviest add to that his Spanish expressions and he’s almost hard to understand. But for Mrs. Collins her job may depend on her understanding him.143

“Yes. I will personally make sure of that, Mr. Kincaid.”144

Another Dean comes in to tell Ms. Collins that Shawn has bitten one of the Deans and the others are having trouble controlling him. She hands the phone over to Ms. Dorothy and she rushes out. Ms. Dorothy explains to Popi what is going on. How come everyone’s so concerned over Shawn? What about me? I start looking around. The commotion gets closer to the Main Office. Then Shawn tries to run into the Main Office but is held back by two men. He’s in the doorway leaning and straining his way in. He has an eerie look on his face that turned downright evil when he smiled. I let out a scream. Michael stood in front of me and tried to block my view to protect me.145

“Hi Quicksand. Quicksand Lilli. Wanna play with me?” Shawn says. 146

I let out a louder scream and just screamed as if my life depended on making a sound. Or maybe fear was on auto pilot. 147

“Get the fuck away from her you animal!” Michael says.148

“Mr. Paris, watch your mouth!” Says Mrs. Collins.149

He’s fighting himself, Michael. He wants to hit Shawn but it’s overridden by his need to protect me.150

“Shawn, come from out of the office now!” Mrs. Collins says.151

The men holding on to him try their best to pull him back out into the hall. They pull him out and near the wall. Mrs. Collins comes back in.152

“It’s ok Lillian. Calm down. Calm down he can’t hurt you.” Mrs. Collins says.153

But I couldn’t stop screaming. Shawn was too close even being in the hallway it felt like he was on top of me again. Michael just hugged me close to him. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stop screaming. Nothing felt good. The world tasted like paint. Why would it taste like that? Maybe I was angry that not enough attention was paid to me. Or maybe I just realized that I wasn’t going to wake up from this. That this wasn’t a dream, it was happening for real. I’ll never be the same.154

“Mr. Kincaid wants to know why Lillian is screaming.” Ms. Dorothy says.155

“Just tell him everything is ok.” Mrs. Collins says. Mrs. Collins then makes a face to Ms. Dorothy telling her to get off the telephone.156

“Mr. Kincaid wants to talk to his daughter.”157

“I don’t…don’t understand what’s happening.” I tell Michael.158

“I know Tigris. I know.”159

I hear the EMS workers in the hallway. They rush to where the commotion is. A voice responds to them telling them where to go. 160

“He doesn’t need medical attention. The person that needs medical attention is in the main office.”161

Do you know if you scream too much and forget to breathe that you’ll faint? I didn’t know that. That’s probably why everything turned a strange color blue and then I fainted. 162

Popi would later tell me that after Mr. Paris called him. He called the school told Mrs. Collins that was going to sue if she wasn’t present and watching over me until her got there. But he would catch her attending to the boy and had no clue that I had just collapsed in the Main office. So my Popi was going to have a field day with her. She would have to stick around until Popi was satisfied. And right now he was not. His wife was on the way and cursed to himself that my mother was not there.163


When I came to there where doctors standing over me. I could tell that I was no longer at school. I could hear my Popi calling to me in Spanish but couldn’t see where he was. There was a nurse over me checking my pulse. I still wasn't sure what happening. But the doctor's were talking to me and now I had to answer their questions. Did I know where I was? Did I know my name? I answer them slowly wondering if I hit my head the way they were asking. After they were sure that I had answered their questions to the best of my abilities they let me see my Popi. Once I thought it was safe to look around I do. I'm looking for my mother who still hasn’t arrived yet. Standing close by was Michael and his father, along with Mrs. Collins. They are speaking with the two police officers. 164

“I will admit that the boy is a little disturbed but he is really harmless.” Mrs. Collins says to the police. To which my Popi will reply and say.165

“When I came there were two police officers and one staff member holding him down as they rolled my daughter out to the ambulance. He was talking nonsense that he wanted to do what he did to my daughter again. How is that harmless?"166

“It’s only one incident Mr. Kincaid.” Mrs. Collins says to him.167

“That’s not what the other dean Mr. Sams said. There was another incident similar to this one just two days ago Mrs. Collins.” Popi says.168

“Mrs. Collins, I even talked to you about my own daughter and this boy Shawn’s inappropriate touching of her by him.” Says Mr. Paris169

“Sounds to me like Shawn Rayns, has a history with harassment Mrs. Collins.” 170

One of the officers says after looking at his notes. But Mrs. Collins has no answer to that and just addresses Mr. Paris.171

“I did speak with him about that Mr. Paris, Shawn’s behavior is not acceptable.”172

“That’s not good enough Mrs. Collins. I want this Shawn suspended from school and I want to press charges.”173

“Mr. Kincaid, please understand that Shawn is a special needs student. Suspension is one thing but to press charges….” Popi cuts her off before she can finish.174

“There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me not press charges. That’s my little girl in there hurt! Special needs, fine, Shawn has special needs. But if he was too difficult to be handled by your staff then maybe his special needs should have been addresses somewhere else other then at your school Mrs. Collins!”175

Popi had a point and Mrs. Collins knew it. Popi didn’t know any of the other parents at the school but Mama Zeta, Popi’s wife did. And with a few phone calls, the PTA and every other parent will know what happen this afternoon by morning. Disgusted he walks away from Mrs. Collins and into my room.176

"Lili, are you all right?"177

"No."178

"Stupid question."179

"Mommy not here yet?" I ask.180

"No baby. But Mama is coming soon. I know your mother got my messages she should be here."181

A doctor walks in and tells me that he’s going to start to do the rape kit but someone had to explain to me what going to happen. But before that happens the two officers walk over to ask me questions. They tell Popi he would have to leave while they question me. I talk with them while a nurse sets my broken wrist. When they are done a nurse comes in will come to explain about the exam and I refuse. She says they are going to take samples from inside my vagina.182

"They want to do what? No, Popi don't let them please!"183

Popi hears me call him from the hallway and comes into the room.184

“What’s wrong Lillian?”185

"No! I won't do it."186

“She’s afraid of doing the rape kit Mr. Kincaid.” The nurse says to him. He sighs.187

"Baby, it's ok they only want to see how bad you’re injured. Calme a bebé, calma. El médico no va a dolerle." 188

"Ramon?" 189

Mama Zeta is here. She’s a beautiful woman. Perfect for my Popi. She’s about 5’7 and thin. Zeta is from Brooklyn but born in India.190

"Zeta." Popi goes to her.191

"Usted tiene gran tiempo, Zeta. I can't get her to calm down so they can exam her and do the rape kit."192

"Poor girl she's afraid. I'll talk with her."193

Zeta walks into the room.194

"Lillian I'm here."195

"They wanna do stuff to me, Mama Zeta!"196

"I know you’ve been through a lot today. I know you are afraid. The doctors here are not going to hurt you. They only need to know how badly you're hurt and to do a rape kit. Just to show that that boy hurt you. It'll be okay Lillian, I'll be right here. I'll hold your hand and everything ok?"197

"You won't leave me?"198

She slips off one of her bracelets and put it on my right wrist.199

"No. I'll be right here."200

“Ok.”201

The nurse puts on a pair of rubber gloves then waits for the doctor to come in. He comes in closes the closes the door then walks over to the sink to wash his hands and put on some gloves. 202

“Hello Lillian, I’m Dr. Charles.”203

He sounds cheerful even though he looks somber. I watch him carefully and I hold Zeta’s hand. He pulls the curtain around the bed.204

“Nurse Blake is going to start by taking samples from your nails and hair ok?”205

“Ok.”206

“Are you her mother?”207

“Yes.”208

“Do you know where here clothes are?”209

“The police took them shortly after she got here.”210

After the nurse took the samples she needed she asked me to take off my gown so she could take pictures of my injuries. She took a Polaroid of my chest which there was a big black and blue bruise, and one of my wrist. That’s when the doctor noticed some bleeding.211

“Lillian when did you have you last period?”212

“Hmm… I ended 3 days ago?”213

“Is there anything wrong doctor?” Mama Zeta asked.214

“Note sure. Lillian, get back on the exam table, please. Put your feet in the stirrups and scoot all the way down towards me until I say stop.”215

After he tells me to stop the nurse rolls over a table with tools on it. He pulls out a plastic spatula to open my vagina. It hurts so I squeeze my eyes tight. After 17 minutes that felt a lot like poking and prodding he was done.216

“Well, is she alright?” Zeta asks.217

“There’s some bleeding that I had to take care of. Lillian will be sore for a while. I’m going to go ahead and prescribe some pain relievers and some other medicines.”218

He gave a look to Zeta and she followed him out the door so they could speak. My mother arrives but I can’t leave yet and no one tells me why. I can hear her talking outside.219

“She’s not your daughter Zeta so mind your business!”220

“You only gave birth to her in essence you stole her!”221

Here we go I’ve heard this argument a few times so I know what this is about. My mother hates Mama Zeta. Mama Zeta holds only one grudge against Mommy she stole her man for one night and got the child Mama Zeta was supposed to have, me. My Mother didn’t love my Popi she only slept with him to get back at Mama Zeta. This goes back to when they were all going to Medgar Evans College back in the late 1970’s. My mother was jealous of Zeta. Mama Zeta was an art major she was a painter and sculptor on the side. Mama Zeta planed to tour all over the world and have her artwork in famous galleries. She even wanted to open her own gallery in New York. My mother was an artist too but it wasn’t her major. She was a nursing major. My mother thought that becoming an artist for a living was not realistic in the long run. She developed a hate for Zeta. She thought that Zeta was better then her because Zeta didn’t have to work in order to pay her way through college. Zeta didn’t have to support a young child, my sister Vivian who has 10 at the time. Vivian’s father was long gone. Zeta had a man and was going to get married. My mother thought Mama Zeta had it all where my mother had nothing and no one. 222

So she began to spend time with the both of them in order to get closer to my Popi. After two and a half years she made her move. My mother lied to Popi and told him that Zeta was cheating on him. She would have no reason to lie to him after all they were friends. She told him that she’d make the pain go away and they slept together. When she was done with him she made sure she told Mama Zeta what she had done. Her thinking was either Mama Zeta would leave Popi or Popi would be ashamed and leave her. But that didn’t happen because they had sense enough to try to work it out. My mother later was pregnant with me and Mama Zeta knew about it. Zeta was mad when she confronted my mother about it because she knew I was Popi’s. My mother told Zeta that she never wanted a baby from Popi or him for that matter and she was going to get an abortion. Mama Zeta was devastated but convinced that the baby my mother was going to have was meant to be hers. She told my mother that she was wrong for what she did to her and Popi. Karma has a way of handing out payback. It does I came out with eyes the same shade of light brown as Mama Zeta’s just by chance. As I grew up I had traits just like Mama Zeta but didn’t get to meet her until I was 10. I had to hear about how much my mother hates Mama Zeta every time Mommy got drunk. I wonder what Mama Zeta had to say when she got drunk?223

“Oh, not this shit again. Ramon, your bitch is crazy.”224

“She has a name Stella! How come you didn’t return any of my calls?”225

“I’m here aren’t I?”226

“Could you have gotten here sober?”227

“I don’t have time for this Ramon!”228

The door swings open and I get this feeling I’m in a lot of trouble but I didn’t do anything wrong. Mommy’s brown hair let down from the usual bun she wears it in for work. Her glasses fixed upon her nose. Her face mean and angry and somehow I knew it was all directed at me.229

“Lillian, you had no right to call your father and his bitch!”230

I sat up in the bed.231

“I didn’t call them. The school couldn’t reach you and they needed permission to take me to the hospital Mommy.”232

“Don’t talk back to me Lillian! There ain’t nothing wrong with you. Got me out here for no reason. I gotta get up for work in morning!”233

“Mommy I won’t have got you down here if….”234

“Shut up!”235

“But I was raped Mom…” 236

“Lesbians don’t get raped by men.”237

“I’m not a lesbian, Mommy. Really I’m not.”238

“You’re lying!”239

“I’m not Mommy.”240

“Shut up Lillian.”241

Mommy reaches into her bag some clothes for me. She got real close to my face. I could smell the beer on her breath. Everything she said was through clenched teeth.242

“If I tell you that you are lying then you’re lying. Get dressed!” 243

She shakes her head at me.244

“Got me down here for foolishness.” 245

Zeta pops her head in and sees me getting dressed. She sees me crying and comes in.246

“Stella, they are not ready to discharge Lillian yet. They are waiting for the tests to come back.”247

“I’m taking her home.”248

“Stella?”249

“I said I’m taking her home!”250

“Lillian you want me to help you get dressed?”251

“She don’t need no help!”252

“How is she to put on her clothes with a broken wrist?”253

Zeta walks over to help. After Zeta helps me get dressed Popi offers to drives us home. 254

“I already said I don’t want to talk about this with you, Ramon.”255

This she says to Popi as we are getting out of the car. Zeta offers to wait in the car.256

“Why? You know I’m right Stella.”257

“Bull shit man! I’ve been raising her for the last 12 years, not you Ramon!”258

Mommy opens the door to our second floor apartment. We walk in.259

“I only knew she existed two years ago. Stella you lied to me! You told me you had a miscarriage!”260

“So what, you gonna fight for custody, now? I’m her mother.”261

“You are? You could have fooled me! Where the hell were you today? She needed her mother.” He points to the kitchen table. 262

“I forgot, you were getting drunk and that’s more important then your own daughter!”263

“Fuck you Ramon! Fuck you?”264

I stood there just watching them fight. My stomach felt queasy and I begin to sweat. I fall to the floor and begin throwing up. All the fighting stops and I feel the both of them look at me. 265

"Look at this shit, Lillian. Clean this shit up and take your ass to bed! Stupid bitch, you are working my last nerve!" Mommy yells.266

“¡No hable con ella así, Stella!!” Popi says.267

“What? Speak English nigga!” Mommy says back.268

“Don’t talk to her like that!”269

“I’ll talk to the bitch however I want.”270

“She didn’t do anything wrong. There’s no need to yell at her.”271

“Look, Ramon, she’s lying. Ain’t nothing happen to her.”272

“Stella, you didn’t see what that boy did to her. You didn’t hear what he was saying about her.”273

“Probably calling her a ho. Cause she is one.”274

“She’s 12!”275

“She’s a 12 year old slut.”276

For months I’ve been telling Popi this is how Mommy speaks to me. He always thought I was exaggerating. Now he gets to hear for himself.277

“She probably fucks that white girl she’s always hanging out with, Lori. Aren’t you Lillian?”278

“That’s enough Stella!”279

“Did you tell your father how you like girls? You, Lillian, are nothing more then a fuckin’ lesbian!”280

Mommy forgot the first rule about dealing with Popi. Don’t talk trash about his daughter. Mommy didn’t just hit his button she danced on it.281

“I said that’s enough! 282

“She didn’t tell you she fucks the white girl?”283

I watched Popi uncross his arms and straighten up from where he was leaning on the glass dinning table. He stomped from where he was standing in the dinning room to where Mommy was in the living room wall. He grabs her by the neck and slams her hard against the wall. He is breathing hard and directly in Mommy’s face which was an inch apart from his.284

“Cómo atrévasele, Stella. ¡Usted jodiendo a ramera!” Don’t you ever, ever talk about Lillian like that again! ¡Yo le mataré si usted hace, Stella!” 285

My mother didn’t know Spanish but I’d bet any amount of money she knew what Popi had just said. It was the first time I ever seen them touch. It was also the first time I’ve heard my Popi curse in Spanish or threaten anyone. But he just threatened to kill Mommy.286

“Popi, Popi no!”287

Even Mommy didn’t know what lion she awoke. She should have just stop talking when he said to. Still breathing hard Popi turns to me. He makes a face then sucks his teeth then lets her go. Mommy almost runs to her bedroom and slams the door. He places a palm to his forehead and closes his eyes. 288

“Joder afortunado, Stella.” Popi said low. I only got the lucky part. I’ didn’t know what joder meant. 289

I’m not sure what would have happened if I wasn’t in the room with them. I thought maybe he would hurt her or kill her if I wasn’t here?290

“Arrepentido, la nena. ¿Popi arrepentido, bueno? I forgot that you were here. I didn’t mean to fight like that with your mother in front of you.”291

“¿Usted Popi bueno?” 292

“Sí, estoy bien a bebé. Estoy bien..” 293

Popi goes into the kitchen and wets a paper towel then comes back over to me and wipes my mouth.294

"Why do you leave me with her? Why? She hates me."295

"No. Ella no le odia. She's just mad about what happened to you that's all."296

"She says I was lying and nothing happened to me because I'm gay."297

“¿Su madre dijo que a usted"? 298

“Sí, Popi que ella hizo.” 299

“When?”300

“At the hospital.”301

“I’ll talk to her I promise.”302

He takes me by the arm and lifts me up to my feet.303

"No. I have to clean this up.” I tell him.304

"I heard. I'll do it before I leave, you should lie down. Are you hungry?"305

"No."306

"You haven't had anything since lunch and it's going on 11 pm."307

"No."308

"Ok. Come on let's go to your room."309

Popi takes me to my bedroom and turns on the light.310

"Your room is very beautiful something right out of Purple Rain."311

"Thanks."312

I walk over to the bed. I lay on top of the covers. Popi turns on the television and pops in a tape.313

"Here watch this until I finish cleaning up ok."314

"Ok."315

Popi goes to the kitchen and starts to clean up. I get out of bed and go to the bathroom closing the door. I turn on the shower and get in without getting undressed. I take my wash cloth down from the holder and put soap on it and begin to wash. I scrub until it hurts and I start to sob while saying over and over "unclean, unclean, so unclean."316

After the Popi is done he goes to check on me. He knocks on the door.317

“¿Lillian, es Popi usted bueno?” 318

He knocks again.319

“¡Lillian, me contesta, el bebé!.”320

He tries the door but it is locked.321

“Lillian!”322

He stands at the door. Mommy comes out of her bedroom. 323

"You still think she's faking, Stella?"324

It’s a shame to think that as my world is falling apart, I’m more worried that my mother is not going to be in my corner helping me pick up the pieces. I’m worried that she sees me as weak. That she sees me as someone that let this happen. She sees me as a faker and a liar when I’ve never done any of the things she’s accuses me of.325


One Year Ago326

I think junior year of high school turned out to be the hardest of all my years at Murrow. A lot of my time was spent in Dean’s office like today I know I’ll be there and it’s not even 10am yet. I’m standing against a wall on the second floor holding my face. I wasn’t fast enough to block it. When I knew it was coming it was too late to run. On the floor is a pair of my glasses broken. I can’t see anything out of my right because I was born with a cataract. But now I can’t see out of my left eye because I was just punched in it. In my right hand I am holding a tissue to my lip. I’m listening to the chaos around me. I know the there’s at least two school safety officers, Anna and Columbia just from their voices. There is another voice that I don’t recognize asking questions only to Xavier. The school safety officer are telling students that have class to go to class and those who have an OPTA or free period to move somewhere else.327

“Xavier, tell me what happened?”328

“She and Maria got into a fight and Maria punched her.”329

“Did Maria also punch her in the mouth and choke Lillian?”330

Could they see the bruises already?331

“I saw her do it.” Xavier answers but he took to long to answer.332

“Yo no tengo ningún problema con Maria. Nosotros nos llevarsmos. ¿Por qué lucharía yo con ella??” I say just out loud not to anyone.333

“Her? Lillian? She doesn’t fight. She’s good student.” Anna says.334

“Lillian what happened?” Columbia asks. 335

I never really learned his name. Everyone called him Columbia because that was where he was from and lucky for me. He spoke Spanish. I really got to thank Popi for making me learn.336

“Maria and I didn’t get in a fight Columbia. Maria no me golpeó, Xavier hizo. El hizo esto a mí." 337

“Así que él miente a nosotros. ¿Por qué miente él a nosotros Lillian?” 338

“El sabe si los Decanos averiguan que él hizo este entonces ellos lo suspenderán o peor. Can we please go down to the Dean’s office?339

“Maria you have anything to say about this?”340

“We got into a fight. I hit her.” She says.341

“Over what?”342

“I’m seeing Xavier.”343

“Dios, apenas me suspende ahora. ¡Yo no entré en una pelea con ella!!” 344

“What was that Lillian?” The voice I didn’t know who it belonged to ask.345

“I said I didn’t fight her. I don’t have any beef with her!”346

“We are not getting anywhere with them. Everyone’s going down to the Dean’s office.” The voice says.347

“Finally.” I say.348

Then a thought crosses my mind.349

“I’m so suspended.”350

Columbia takes my arm and leads me down the stairs. It was slow going because I had to repeatedly tell Columbia that he had to tell me that there are stairs. Tell me that I’m standing in front of them. There are 13 steps. Here’s the railing. Even though it was the second floor but it felt like a long way down. And why couldn’t we take the elevator down, we have two in the building.351

I’m using my right eye but I see shadows and I couldn’t tell you what I was looking at. It was hard to try to depend on an eye you don’t use. I was straining to see something that I could identify. That’s always fun. Somewhere near the first floor I fell because I missed a step. I banged my knee on the hard floor.352

“We’ll get you some ice once we’re downstairs, Lillian.”353

Ice for what, for my eye or for my knee?354

“Thanks.” I tell him.355

Columbia leads me straight to the Dean’s office and sits me down in a chair near the door. I find my shades and put them on. I’m in full gothic gear, black shoes, black jeans, black blouse, black duster sweater and black large sunglass. Maybe it was the sunglasses that landed me here. But I’m in trouble, well not directly but I still have to talk my out of this. The office to me was small. I know the Deans office by heart. There are six desks for six Deans. There is one office in the back with a door. I listen to students explaining why they were picked up by the truant officers, or why they got into a fight. My attention is directed to this fool in front of me telling one of the Deans, Mr. Hershman that I got into a fight. I’m watching him lie to this dean. His name is Xavier and we’ve been going together off and on for about three years. Xavier is about 5’3 and skinny as they come. When he smiles he looks like a teenage version of the comedian Eddie Griffin. I couldn’t believe he would just throw me under the bus like this.356

“Lillian got into a fight morning with Maria. They started agreeing, Lillian called her a spic. I saw it Mr. Hershman. That’s how she got the black eye.”357

“If I hit Maria, then where’s her black and blue?” I ask.358

Maria was the school slut why would I have beef with her? As long as she left me along, I left her alone. Mr. Hershman now questions me.359

“Is this true Lillian?” He asks.360

I look at the tall man with brown hair and full beard. I push up my sunglasses361

“Lillian?” 362

“No. I do not have a reason to fight with Maria. I have no reason to refer to her a spic when I am. I didn’t get into a fight with Maria.”363

“She did Mr. Hershman!”364

Man, Xavier, who are you defending?365

Then Xavier comes over and nudges my arm as if I should be playing along. I’m tired of playing along.366

“Well, Lillian, Xavier says you did get into that fight and Maria does say that you hit her.”367

“And you believe him?”368

“Yes. I do.”369

I really hate Mr. Hershman.370

“Why? Because you know him?”371

“He’s never lied to me.”372

“Well, he is lying to you now.”373

“I am not!” Xavier says374

“There are two people stating that you got into a fight this morning. Your word against theirs.”375

“Whatever. Where’s Mr. Haig?”376

Mr. Haig the Dean that I usually deal with in cases like this. He comes from his office in the back and walks towards me.377

“Lillian, come with me, please.”378

I get up taking my bag with me and Mr. Haig takes me by the arm and leads me to his office. The opens the door and tells me to sit down. He walks in closes the door and sits on the other sit of the desk. I hear him push something across the desk.379

“Lillian.”380

I cut him off. I was planning to play it cool but realize that I could get suspended if Mr. Hershman believes dumbass Xavier out there over me. I can clearly hear Xavier from the other side of the door.381

“Mr. Haig I didn’t do it I swear!” I tell him.382

“I know clam down.” He sighs.383

“Lillian, take off your sunglasses please.”384

I take them off. He puts in my hand an ice pack. I lower my head as I apply the ice pack. I don’t want to look at him. He’s going to have that look of disappointment written all over his face. Good thing I’ll be unable to see it.385

“Lillian, I know you didn’t get into a fight with Maria. Did Xavier do this to you?”386

If I tell him yes they’ll suspend Xavier and Xavier will beat me up again. If they find out that Xavier hit me on school grounds the police will involved and Xavier will beat me up again. If I don’t tell Xavier will think I said something and Xavier will beat me up again. Talk about being between a rock and hard place.387

“Look, you’ve down here twice this month and I told you last time if I find out that Xavier’s hitting you I will suspend him.”388

I wanted to say you sound just like my father. But I let it go.389

“But…” I start to say.390

“I know you want to protect him.”391

Was he crazy? I didn’t want to protect Xavier. I’m trying to avoid a beat down man! 392

“I was only trying to protect myself. But uh it didn’t turn out to good.”393

“I can not let this continue, Lillian.” 394

Then I heard something in Mr. Haig’s voice it was more then a Dean wanting to protect a student. I knew that tone I’ve heard my Popi use it many times. Damn it he knew. 395

“You saw what happened this morning Mr. Haig?”396

“Yes.”397

Oh man, I’m not sure if I was offered a bone or about to be screwed.398

“I wasn’t able to break it up in time. Xavier will be suspended today. The police will be here to arrest him. I’ve called your father.”399

“Xavier’s not going to like that.”400

“Tough.”401

“What about Mr. Hershman? He still thinks I got into this fight with Maria.”402

“Don’t worry about him. Get your stuff you’re going to the nurse until your father comes.”403

I get my stuff, stand up and almost trip over the garbage can in Mr. Haig’s office. Had he not caught me my fall would have been UGLY. He opens the door and leads me out. Xavier starts screaming.404

“What did you tell him Lillian? Whatever she told you was a lie. I never hit her. I’ll fuck you up if you told!”405

Mr. Haig pulled me out of the way when Xavier tried to grab me.406

“Hey, hey you keep your hands to yourself Xavier! Let’s go Lillian.”407

He leads me out of the office and down the hall and into the nurse’s office. I’m waiting for Popi to come get me. There was no dread to it just he was coming to get me. Had this been my mom’s month to have me she would have made me believe that it was my fault for getting beat and then would have gotten beaten for letting Xavier hit me. 408

Popi fought for custody starting two years ago and the court awarded him with joint custody. But my parents had to work out the details themselves. Every other month Popi has me. 409

“Lillian, I want you to wait here in the nurse’s office until your father comes.”410

“Ok.”411

He sighs.412

“Lillian, you know you were very lucky today.”413

“She is. You ready Lillian?”414

Popi rushed to get here. Wow I didn’t even have to wait long.415

“Yes Popi.”416

“Thank you for calling Mr. Haig.”417

“Anytime.”418

Popi walks over. I watch him with my bad eye he’s nothing more then a shadow but I’d know his walk anywhere. He crouches in front of me, kisses me on the forehead, and pulls the ice pack off to take a look.419

“How’s the eye?”420

“It hurts.”421

“Sorry dumb question. I have got an appointment for you at the eye doctor in about 30 minutes.”422

“Does it look bad?”423

“Yeah. Get your stuff,”424

“Mr. Haig do I need to sign her out she really needs to get to the hospital now?”425

“Everything’s been taken care of, you can take her.”426

“Thank you.” Popi says.427

“Get better Lillian.”428

“Thanks Mr. Haig.”429

I stand up and don’t realize how close I am to Popi I had to hold on to him because I was thought I was going to fall. He takes me by the arm and leads me out school. He doesn’t say word until we are at the car.430

“Lillian, he’s right, you are lucky. That boy could have hurt you a lot worse then this. I don’t understand why you date him.”431

“It wasn’t my choice to continue dating him. It was his.”432

“What? I don’t understand.”433

“A rock and a hard place, Popi.”434

He opens the car door and helps me in. He comes around on the other side and gets in. He fastens my seatbelt.435

“Explain.” He says.436

“Everyone thinks were in love and that’s why I’m with him. I fell out of love a long time ago. I never ask for him to hit me. I’m still him only because he doesn’t understand that he has to keep his hands to himself. I stay because he threatens me and we go to the same school. We see each other everyday, and everyday it’s a fight. I tell him I wanna break up and he always replies the same way and I always wind up with a new black and blue.” 437

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”438

“Not sure, I thought you might react like Mommy does. She says I being punished, something about god not liking me. I’m sorry Popi, I didn’t know what to do.”439

“Ok. You have to understand that I’m not your mother Lillian. I’m not going to overacte like your mother does. I know she’s been hard on you since we started the shared custody thing. And I’m going to talk with her about that when you go back. Baby you have to understand, I’m going to always listen to you and be there for you.”440

“Yeah, really Popi?”441

“Really.”442

“Good to know.”443

“What started the fight?”444

“He stole some things from me.”445

“What did he take?”446

“Let see, my pens, my favorite highlighter, some loose leaf paper, lotion, my mirror, metrocard, sunglasses, chap stick, $20, and some lipstick.”447

“He’s been stealing that from you?”448

“Yes, but that was all from today?449

“From today?”450

“Yeah.”451

“Is that why every week you always have a list of supplies you need, because he’s been stealing from you?”452

“Yes.”453

“Wait, did you say he stole lipstick from you?”454

“Yes.”455

“Why?”456

“I don’t know why and that’s what started the fight. I just got tired of it. I thought it was time to fight back. It started as a shoving match. Un igual estúpido que empuja con algún gritar. But I should have ducked when he swing at me. He got me right in the eye. I honestly didn’t see it coming.457

“Its over now and Xavier is going to be arrested for what he did to you. Bastardo. Xavier debe estar contento que él es detenido hoy.” 458

Popi starts the car.459

“So, you’re not mad?”460

“Not at you I’m not. At Xavier I’m furious. I could kill him! Lillian, boys like that are punks. Los chicos quieren que Xavier sean mocosos. El es un pollo para golpear a chicas. El nunca llegará a ser un hombre verdadero. ¿Usted comprende lo que yo le digo, Lillian? 461

“Si Popi.”462

“I only want to see you safe, Lillian. If he even looks at you funny I want to hear about it.”463

“Popi, I need more lipstick.”464

“Yo le compraré más lápiz de labios Lillian. ¿Después del oculista, bueno?” 465

“Yes, thank you Popi.”466

After the doctor Popi takes me home. The eye doctor says my right eye is just swollen and will go down in a few days. He wrote me a prescription for another pair of eyeglasses even though I kept three pairs at Popi’s. But I would always need a new pair. Mama Zeta was looking for something for me in the living room. She was dressed in blue jeans and a blue t-shirt. This is a change from her traditional Indian dress. I brought them for her as a gift and it looked real good on her.467

I watched Popi make dinner which is always the highlight of the day. When I’m here we eat as a family and talk to each other which make it more then an average meal. When I’m at home with Mommy we don’t eat together and I can’t remember when the last time we talk or she asked me how was my days was. In fact, when I am home with Mommy it’s kind of lonely. 468

I sit at the kitchen table glasses on and closely watching Popi. Tonight is Popi’s famous hot stir fry. He likes making with the hottest jalapeños peppers. I watch him pick out the hottest pepper in the bunch and walk around the counter to where I am at the kitchen table. Now the challenge is to eat the pepper without crying or asking for water. I’ve never had to ask for water.469

“Ok Lillian try this one.”470

“This is the third one. Popi, I’m telling you they aren’t hot.”471

“Ramon you’re going to burn out this child’s taste bids.” Says Mama Zeta.472

I place the pepper in my mouth and bite down. The hotness of the pepper lasts about 10 seconds and then it fades. It’s a weird sensation. 473

“Nope not hot.”474

“Aww, that’s my girl!”475

“But Popi.”476

“Yeah Lillian are you going to ask for water now?”477

“No. I’m really hungry can we eat soon?”478

“It’ll be ready soon.”479

I have a high tolerance for hot foods. I loved them. I had to be Mama Zeta’s daughter because I liked a lot of Indian dishes, if you had too much of the hot spices, you’ll be sweating and crying at the meal. Mama Zeta’s words not mine.480

“Lillian, I found it.” Says Mama Zeta. I turn my attention to her.481

She has in her hands a blue velvet jewelry box. She places it on the table.482

“Give me your left hand Lillian.”483

I give her my left hand. She eyes the cuff bracelet she gave me when I turned 13. After my wrist healed up she gave it to me. After the rape she gave it to me. She took off the bracelet and even now I could see the scar it left and I had to turn away. This was the first time I’ve ever taken it off. She opened the box and placed the new real silver cuff bracelet on my wrist.484

“It’s pretty isn’t it Lillian?”485

I turned back and saw it on my wrist I didn’t know what to say.486

“Thank you Mama Zeta.”487

I hugged her and wondered why she wasn’t my real mother. She treated me like I came from her. Why did I have to go back to my mother at the end of the month? Mama Zeta joked all time that if she had her way she’d kidnap me and smuggle me to India where the three of us would live. The only thing standing in our way was Popi. He’d never go for it. This was my family, my Mommy and Popi. This was really my mommy. She should be my real mommy. Why couldn’t she be my real mommy? Why couldn’t she be?488


Mambo489


To Ramon (Ray) Luzon490

Popi took this picture after
telling me the news
cancer
Saying there was something in my eyes
Tears I say
Sadness I say
Wanting to hold you and never let go491

No he say
The Mambo is in your eyes
my darling chica
”You are going to dance
For the sight in your eyes is your father
For the sight in your eyes
is for me”492

Put your feet on top of mine
And let the little girl in you dream493

Didn't mean to talk of tomorrow
You know we don't have it
Cancer talks and dead ones listen494

I realize you're not satisfied
Death shorten our time together
But it'll be just fine
I am always your Popi
And you are my little girl
My little Lavada, Lavadora, my sweetheart495

She got the mambo deep in the eyes
But we have these moments
For the beautiful sight in your eyes is me, your Popi496

-end497


It was my junior year of high school. I was working at Pergament Home Centers before it went out of business. I worked there to stay away from my mother and spend more time with Popi and Zeta. Popi was working there part-time too to help pay for the many hospital bills after he was diagnosed with cancer. Even though his full time job as a bus driver for the MTA had good health coverage, it didn’t cover or pay for everything.498

Popi worked in the lumber department. And he knew a lot about wood where I didn’t know the difference between pine and oak. I worked in the department as a cashier. 499

We spent most of our time between customers planning the future. We talked about which school I’d got to. I want to go to Kingsborough Community College then to Long Island University. Then we talked a about what my major would be. I told Popi I want to be writer like Edgar Allen Poe or a poet just like Maya Angelou. Then he’d answer with ‘be both. Everything you write comes from the heart.’500

Popi had set up an account for college that would pay for college where ever I wanted to go. And when I reached 30 I would get my inheritance. He didn’t believe that he’ll make it to see me reach 19 let alone 30.501

He was very sick but managed to show up at both jobs until one afternoon he wasn’t. The second manager Mr. Ding broke the news to me.502

“Lillian. Your father’s in the hospital your mother is coming to pick you up. Please tell him we all hope he pulls through.”503

I would have to stay on register until Mama Zeta comes. When she came and I got in the car nothing was said between us. I didn’t say anything because I was afraid I might slip and ask if he was dying.504

When we got to the hospital Mama Zeta pretty much dragged me inside and towards his room. Maybe it was his last day with us. As soon as we got to his room I broke from Zeta’s grip and ran to the bed and wrapped my arms around him careful of all the tubes coming out of him.505

“Popi!”506

“Hey baby girl how was your day?”507

“It was okay. When are you coming home?”508

He just hugged me. Then he sat up in his bed.509

“Zeta, come honey.”510

She came to stand at the foot of the bed.511

“You two have to look out for each other. Ok?”512

“Yes Popi.”513

“Zeta, watch over Lillian and protect her from Stella.”514

“I will, Ramon.”515

“Lillian I want you to see New Zealand before you’re 30. I want you to know where you come from.”516

“Ok Popi I will.”517

Then Popi just turned his attention to Zeta and smiled.518

“I love you Zeta.”519

“I love you too, Ramon.”520

He just had this look of contentment on his face. Then there was a second where he wanted to say something but lost his thought. Then before I realized that Popi left us Zeta let out a scream. And Popi’s head slumped over to the right.521

“Ramon!!!”522

And like that Popi was gone.523

Present524


I was looking out of the windows of Edward R. Murrow High School. Classes had been over for hours. I’m staring out not really looking at anything important. Watching the cars go pass. I was thinking about my first day as a freshman. Wondering why does it happen to me? Why am I sitting alone waiting, in vain? In a few days I won’t be student here anyone. I’ll be a college student. Right now I think I’m in limbo.525

Awards Night was the biggest thing for a senior student at Murrow next to graduation itself. This is where you bring all your relatives because they only give you five tickets for the graduation. This is where you can show up and cheer for your child saying things like: “That’s my baby up there!”526

I knew they weren’t coming. I told them this was important and they aren’t going to show. I talked about since I found out about it. When I told my mother Stella she just basically rolled her eyes at me. She never said in any terms that she was coming. I told my older sister Vivian she said she had to work but would try to get off show she could come. I told both that it was starting about six in the evening they would have more then enough time to come. So why am I waiting looking out the window as if I was so sure they were coming? 527

I look at the blue dress my older sister, Vivian picked out. I hated it. She picked out a color I hated. In a style that was too grown for me. It didn’t fit right. It made me look flat-chested. It was too long for my short thin frame. Vivian told me I had to wear it because she brought and was not going to take it back. She ordered it from a catalog when she promised to take me to a store so I could pick out the dress myself. She lied to me, what else is new? 528

“Lilli, Lilli!”529

Lori one of my friends from all the way back to second grade called from down the hall. I just watched her as she got closer. I liked how she dyed her once blonde hair to a nice brown for graduation.530

“You look nice Lilli!”531

“Thanks.”532

“What’s wrong, Lilli?”533

“They’re not here and its going to start soon.”534

Lori had a smile on her face and didn’t know why. I looked at her puzzled.535

“You didn’t find my mom you hate my mom.”536

“Your mom’s a bitch. And I’ll tell it to her face.”537

“You have.”538

“I have.”539

“So, if you haven’t found her, what are you up to Lori?”540

“Nothing I have a surprise that’s all.”541

“I do ask them for much. Would it be so hard for them to show up?”542

“It sucks to have parents, that’s nothing new. You know mine aren’t coming you’ll get over it, trust me. Come on!”543

Lori pulls me up and leads rapidly down the hall towards the lunch room. Standing in front of the doors leading into the lunch room was Michael ‘La Chain Co’ Paris. He was in a suit. Michael was tall over six feet and long blonde hair that he pulled back into a pony tail. Lori and I had been friends a long time but me and Michael have been friends a lot longer. We were so closer that we felt like sister and brother. We were close for many reasons but the main was we were born in the same year, of the same month, of the same week, but 24 hours after each other. I was born on March 22, 1981 at 2 am, and Michael was born March 23, 1981 at 2 am on the dot. His parents thought it was cute and say we were twins…well almost. As we got older our friends nicknamed us Tigris and Euphrates, after the rivers.544

“Look what I brought you Lilli.”545

“I see.” I look Michael up and down. It was rare that we dressed up around each other. I hugged him as if I didn’t just see him just this weekend past.546

“It’s not the same as having my mommy here but you’ll have to do.” I tell Michael in his ear. He hugs me tighter. 547

I know he had to travel some ways to be here. So it must have been some favor he owned to his dad to let him use the car on a weeknight. But then again Michael was getting all A’s in his classes over at Fort Hamilton High School.548

“Lori, are you staying?”549

“Lillian what kind of question is that? Of course I am.”550

We watched as other students walked in with their parents and other family members. When teachers or other students ask, when are your parents coming? I’d just say she’s out of town. 551

Awards Night took forever and I’d gotten so many awards that I didn’t sit down because they kept calling me to the stage. In total 17 awards. Great, and they had to miss this! So after the 10th award it started to look pitiful from where I sat. I’m only one without their parents. It just wasn’t fun when your mom chooses not to be here. Did she hate me that much?552

I didn’t come from a large family. My father died last year and my mother has forbidden me from seeing my stepmother. Even though I sneak around to see her every chance I get. Knowing that if and when Mommy finds out, she’ll kill me. My only living grand mother was living in Florida. But she and I wasn’t close not like when I was a kid. It was just my mother and my older sister. Sure Vivian was married but Frank and I weren’t close either. We still were a small family compared to most of my friends. 553

There were times I thought that my mother and sister did things like forget something this important or treat me with just disrespect on most occasions on propose. We didn’t always get along like most families. My mother and I fought a lot. A lot of the time I didn’t do anything wrong. Stella, my mother did drink a lot. Did she notice I was missing when it was time for me to make her beer run? I hated the beer run. She’d always wake me up out of bed at least 4 times a night to send me to the store for beer. First run was always at 6 pm when she came home from work. The second at 10 pm, then around 11 or 12 and again before 2 am roll around. She’d always dragged me out of bed and made me go, knowing I was underage and could get arrested. Mommy was never concern with what if I got arrested or was never worried about going to the store by myself at night. But I’d go mostly because she’d threaten me if I didn’t but I didn’t want her going out being so drunk. There were never small orders with her. 554

“I want two six packs of the tall cans of beer.” She’d say. She liked Old English.555

“Get three 40 ounces and don’t forget the Newport’s.”556

That stuff would always be so heavy to carry back. Don’t let it be the weekend Mommy drank more on the weekends. More stuff to carry back and more trips to the store. I had to take up weight lifting in high school just to keep up with her when she wanted me to go to the store.557

When she drank she always said such mean things. Out of the many things she said two statements hurt the most, ‘This is the only reason I had you so you can be my pack mule’, and ‘If your father found out I was pregnant with you years ago I would have killed you.’558

Did she miss a lot because she thought the beer was more important then me? I just wanted to go home and sulk. As Michael let me out in front of my house I turned to him and said before getting out.559

“How much you wanna bet I’m gonna yelled at for coming in late when she knew where I was?”560

Michael and Lori just laugh and I just close the car door. I walk down the path that leads to my building in the Breukelen Houses in Canarsie. Michael calls from the car.561

“Lillian? Can you come over this weekend?”562

I turn, I think for a moment.563

“Sure why not?”564

Michael drives off. I look up at my apartment windows before going to the outside door. I wanted to see if Mommy was waiting up. If she was awake she’d be mad because I was late. Its 9 pm I don’t a curfew per say. But you can never really tell what mood Mommy’s going to be in. The lights are out which means she’s asleep and isn’t worried about where I was. I wanted to tell her about tonight. I walk up the two short flights to the second floor. I opened the door that lead to my floor and listened to it squeak loudly. I would never be able to sneak in if I ever needed to. On the second floor there were only four apartments, 2A, 2B, 2C 2D. We lived in 2D. The building itself only had three floors. It made it nice, very quite. I put my key in the door and listened to it moaned as I opened it. Ok, tomorrow I’m picking up some DW40. I come in locking the door behind me. I turn on the switch that will light up the kitchen and the dinning room. I open my book bag and dump the awards on the dinning room table where Mommy places her work bag on. I pulled out a paperclip clip the awards to her bag so she can’t miss them when she walks past. I turned out the light.565

Then I headed down the long hallway to my room. I turn on the light. I quickly close the door and breathe in deeply as I look around. My walls are covered in clown masks and clowns, sad ones. It always makes me smile when I walk in. It reminds me of my favorite movie, Purple Rain. My room reminds my of that scene in Purple Rain when the camera pans the Kid’s room. All you see is close ups of masks and drawn faces and eyes. I like the masks. I think I collect them because I’m really looking for my true face. Or maybe I like them because they are easy to hide behind. Easy to believe life is a masquerade. I always believed that the place I lived would be my safe haven. That my mother would always be there and we’d be close. But we’re not. We live like strangers in the same apartment. Vivian thinks it’s funny and impossible to live in the same house and not know each other or talked with each other. But then again how could Vivian understand. Mommy sent Vivian off to live with my grandmother when Vivian was only ten years old. She hasn’t lived with Mommy as long as I have. She doesn’t know the mind games Mommy plays, or the abuse I have to take from her. Vivian doesn’t really care about what happens to me. As long as she is on Mommy’s side that’s all that matter’s to Vivian.566

Mommy and I were never close not after the rape. For months after she wouldn’t talk to me but worse then that she wouldn’t look at me. That hurt the most. So we began to fight or rather I would start fights so I could get her to talk to me. I believed that as a girl my age needed two things in order to survive, privacy and therapy. Both of which my mother would not give me. Privacy just meant I had something to hide she’d tell me. I wasn’t going to therapy because she didn’t feel I needed it and she didn’t need me going around telling what was going on in this house. But I needed the therapy because you know you aren’t okay when you’re sitting in the closet rocking back and forth and crying. Moments where you find yourself so angry and you don’t know why. I went for five months without sleeping. I needed someone to talk to, I was showing signs that I was cracking. I just wasn’t the girl I used to be. I wanted privacy because Mommy was encroaching on my space and it making me crazy plus I wasn’t handling the stress that she was putting on me well. Because of this I began to secretly hate her. So secret was my hate I never even wrote it down in my diary. A place I knew she would read first. I hated the fact that she knew all my private and secret things. And that bothers me and I couldn’t do anything about it. So I found an unusual way to vent. A way to release tension and put up a middle finger at Mommy every time I looked a her without her ever knowing about it. I began to collect porn. I had magazines to toys to tapes. For every time she yelled at me, every time she hit me, everything she told someone I was gay I ordered something through the mail. I had a favorite place to order from called Madam Vee because they didn’t ask for ID. You send them the money they ship to you. My mother never knew. At one point I had over 100 tapes all over my room, magazines and catalogs under the bed. 567

I was surprised by a few things when I started collecting. I was never turned on by any of it. I wondered if I was broken because of the rape. When I watched I was never sure of what to feel. I realized I knew little about my body and even less about sexuality in general. My Mother never took the time to teach me and I was a lost about what to do when it came to sex. For example I loved Michael for as long as I could remember and knew for sure that I wanted to marry him but had no real interest in sleeping with him. When it started it started as a way to get back at my mother and then the collection was too big. And I had to clean house before Mommy snooped to hard and found out. I knew I wasn’t smarter then my mother but I knew how to trick her. If I left the tapes out in the open mixed in with my regular movies she would bother them. She hated my tasted in music and shows. She hated that I liked listening to Prince and I hated that she like Michael Jackson. In that we’re even. She would have no interest in my movies if she doesn’t like what I watch.568

I drop my bag and start to get dressed for bed. I can’t believe she missed this. What else is new? One day I won’t here to take this abuse then what will Mommy do?569

The next morning I’m starting at the ceiling waiting I thought by now she’d be up. I get up grab my clothes I’m to wear that day and make my way to the bathroom. By the time I hear Mommy get up I’m already dressed. I know she’s awake because it sounds like she’s one the telephone. I go back to brushing my teeth she isn’t talking to me why worry about it. The bathroom door flies open.570

“Where the hell where you last night, Lillian? You think you can come and go as you please?!”571

“I was at Awards Night at Murrow. I left the awards on the table didn’t you see them?”572

“Don’t you fucking lie to me! You were out with that bitch weren’t you?! I told you Lillian I know you’re sleeping with that girl!”573

She’s slurring her words. She spent most of the night drinking. But before I can answer back or even defend myself she punches me in the face and I fall into the tub. 574

“I’ve had enough of your sneaking around.”575

Then she just walked out. Now I’m left laid in the tub one leg going one direction and other going in the other. She caught me off guard. Damn Lillian! Calm before the storm! Shit!576

“Shit.” I put a hand over my right eye. I get up and head into my room to grab my shades and book bag. I plan on getting to school before round two starts. I rush to the door.577

“Lillian these are nice. You got all of these?”578

“Yes Mommy I did.”579

“Baby I’m sorry I…”580

I cut her off before she can finish. I know she doesn’t really mean it she never does.581

“I’m gonna be late for school.” 582

I walk out the door taking my keys with me. I stand out side waiting for the B6 to take me to school. On the bus I write in my diary.583

May 17 6:15 am584

Dear Diary,585

I can believe she punched me in the eye. Now I know I’m going to have to wear my shades all day. It’s just not right how she treats me. She tried to say she was sorry that’s my scary then her hitting me. Only one time I remember her saying sorry and meaning it. I was eight years and old and she was looking for something and she asked where it was and I told her I didn’t know she hit me so hard that I fell right out of the chair I was sitting in. She went and asked her boyfriend at the time, what ever it was he had it. Then she came back and said she was sorry and even helped me up. I don’t like it when she says she’s sorry because she rarely says it.586

587

588

589

May 17 7:34am
Written at school590

Mama Come Say Goodbye/Motherfigure Born591

Ting, ting gone and done far way
Chillin’ under the red sun592

I get up out of bed
Put both feet on the floor
Yawning at the sun
Come kissin’ all the depths
Mama said goodbye
Like she don’t want me no more593

She don’t know why
She fully don’t know why the doves have stopped crying in the dark
Or why the blackbirds don’t like the rain
But she really don’t know why mama say goodbye594

Just chill’ under the run
Ting, ting gone and done far way
Like the wind
Like the wind595

-end596

I’m standing in front of the mirror in the girl’s first floor bathroom across from the lunchroom. Damn it! I should learn to hit back. No, if I did that I’d be just awaking wondering why I’m on the floor. It would be right as much as I hate what’s she’s doing to me I can’t put my hands on my own mother; she is after all my mother.597

I would have to wear shades most of the day which would be a problem. Some of teachers my disliked my gothic hippie look but put up with it because I got excellent grades. I do not think they’ll let the shades slide. Ms. Shapiro who I have first period, is going to give me a hard time and she is not going to let it slide. Oh god this is going to be fun.598

“Lillian, I’ve been looking all over for you.”599

“Good Morning Lori.” I turn from the mirror to face her.600

“Oooh, did Xavier do this?”601

As soon as she said it I thought maybe it’s true if you are abused as a child you’ll find yourself rather it be knowingly or unknowingly seeking out abusive relationships. Over the past four years I’ve been hit by Xavier my boyfriend over 40 times about 10 or so was in the face. My mother had nothing on Xavier. 602

“No. Xavier didn’t do this. My mother did this, this morning.”603

“Why?” 604

“Because she seems to think that you and I are going together.”605

“Going together as in sleeping together?”606

“Yes.”607

“I don’t understand your mother why would she keep saying that?”608

“Remember when we graduated 5th grade?”609

“Yeah, so?”610

“You remember when your parents didn’t show up and we stuck together most of that day.”611

“Yeah, we were the only two girls in the class who else was I going to hang out with? My parents didn’t show up. Honestly, Lillian your mother is a bitch!”612

“Well, that’s where it started.”613

“She thinks because of our close friendship over the years makes us lovers in her book.”614

“Pretty much Lori.”615

“Does your mother have any friends? God!”616

“None I ever seen.”617

“Your mother punched you in the face? Did you tell her you were at Awards Night?”618

“I’ve been telling her for weeks. I even left the awards on her work bag so she’d see it. She was drinking last night, so I’m thinking not much got through.”619

“I’ll bet.”620

I put my shades back on.621

“Hey, Lori do you think its true if you’re in an abusive relationship as child you’re more likely from be in abusive relationships as an adult?”622

“I know don’t know. Maybe. Why?”623

“I read it some place wanna know if it’s true.”624

“Do you think it’s true, Lillian?”625

“You see who I date. You’ve met my mother how can I not think it’s true.”626

The first bell rings.627

“Come on Lillian let’s get to class.”628

“You’re just going because you wanna see what Ms. Shapiro’s going to say about my shades.”629

Lori starts to laugh.630

“No. No, that’s not true. I want to see what you’re going say to her that’s going to make her let you keep them on.”631

“Alright, let’s go chuckles.”632

We go upstairs and take our seats in the small classroom. I take my seat in the back. Tony who is sitting next to me pulls out a notebook and opens it up. He shows me portrait he’s been working on of me. He spent most of time drawing it in science class which is another class we have together.633

“Lillian, what do you think? Do you like it?”634

“Tony I love it.”635

“It needs something.”636

“What does it need Tony?” I ask.637

Lori leans and whispers into my ear.638

“This is who should be dating.”639

“Thank you so much Lori.”640

“It needs your lips.”641

“Uh, for what Tony?”642

“For my signature. All I need your lip print right here in the corner and I sign my name under it, then I’ll have my signature, my mark and it’ll be perfect.”643

“Ok.” I saying going into my book bag and pulling out my lipstick and putting it on. That was smart I thought to myself Tony always had a flare for making sure his art got notice. He got more A’s then I did. He once offered if I ever wrote a book he’d do the drawings for it. I turned to him when I had put the lipstick on.644

“How does it look?”645

“Great. Right here near the corner, right there.”646

He points to the right hand corner of the paper. I pressed my lips to it. I placed two fingers under the paper to press the paper to my lips. When I thought I got a good impression on the paper I lifted my head up.647

“Well?” I asked. Tony quickly pulls out a pen and signs his name fancy under the impression of my lip.648

“Oh, Lillian this is great! So perfect. Thanks so much.”649

“Tony, for you anytime.”650

He quickly turns his attention away when one of the guys walks in and he starts talking with him.651

Lori leans closer to me and says.652

“I think you should ask him out. Dump Xavier and ask him out.”653

“No. I can’t.”654

“Why not?”655

“1. he’s likes me only as a friend. 2. he likes Uziah Lavada, a lot. And, 3. I only like him as a friend.”656

“You’re no fun. So have you heard from Xavier?”657

“Yeah. Two days ago he wants to go to the graduation. I haven’t heard from him since February and days before graduation he calls me out of the blue.”658

“Are you letting him go?”659

“I got the extra ticket but I swear he better be on his best behavior when he’s around my family. Him acting stupid is the last thing I need from him.”660

“So, you two still dating?”661

“No way.”662

“Good for you. What are you doing on the weekend?”663

“I’m so happy its Friday. I’m going over to Michael’s.”664

“He just asked you. I wasn’t invited. Ooh, Lillian anything you want to share?”665

“Hey, I’m just as surprised as you when he asked me last night. I thought we were both going over, but I rather think it’ll be fun.”666

“Why?”667

“You remember last night when Michael was saying something about his father not being there this weekend?”668

“Yeah so, Mr. Paris works most weekends.”669

“Yeah, well, with Xavier out of the picture I have a chance with Michael and to clear the air about a few things.”670

“Like what?”671

Before I could answer Ms Shapiro started the class.672

“Everyone we are still finishing up projects.”673

I turned and whispered into Lori ear.674

“I think it would be good time to tell him I like him.”675

“He knows that.”676

“But I wanna do something about it.”677

Ms. Shapiro clears her throat.678

“Ms. Kincaide, would you please remove your sunglasses. Class has started.”679

In my mind I quickly tried out the excuses I was thinking of using. I could tell her that I have a migraine but she’ll probably send me to the nurse. If I tell her I have pink eye she’ll really send me to the nurse. If I tell her I left my regular glasses at or broken she’ll ask why am I not sitting in the front closer to the blackboard. So I thought I’d just tell her the truth.680

“I can’t.”681

She came to the back to where I was seated.682

“And why not?”683

I lifted my head up and I pushed the sunglasses down enough so she could see the black eye.684

“I got into a fight before school and I don’t have my regular glasses. They got broken and the sunglasses have a prescription in them.”685

Ok half truth so sue me.686

“Can you see the board from here?”687

“Yes Ms. Shapiro.”688

“Then you can keep them on.”689

“Thank you Ms. Shapiro.”690

Ms. Shapiro goes back to the front. I turn to Lori to watch the smirk come across her face.691

“Lillian you are goddess I am totally in awe.”692

“Shh…big mouth.”