His fingers subconsciously rubbed the black material of his shirt as he looked around the room, nearly suffocating from the atmosphere of black, depression, and loss. His dark eyes were shadowed with a mask behind which was held captive a desperate pain and unshed tears. Atop a shelf sat many pictures, neatly in a row, as if trying to order the life lost thereof into a straight orderly line of well-lived years captured only by a flash.1
But the life that no longer lived was more than what was here. Her face smiled at him through the glass of the picture frames, but the personality, the life in her was missing, gone… forever.2
The polished wood casket in the center of the room called to him like a death cry. He couldn’t bear to see it, for the thought of what lay inside caused a wrenching feeling within his aching heart. To see a sight such as that would cause him to die. A part of him had already died, but the remainder of him would as well if ever he laid his eyes on the contents of the box.3
Escaping the room, he fled for shelter, and he found himself outside on the porch under a heavy, black sky. Snow fell from the night sky and coated the steps as he sat himself down on the porch swing and swung slowly, trying in his best to comfort his dying soul.4
A warm hand was laid upon his shoulder, and a shiver not from the cold ran from the touch point to his toes. But he didn’t look up. He only looked at the hand that rested on his shoulder. Small, delicate, and perfect.5
A voice as sweet as honey said quietly as if not to disturb the night, “Are you not surprised to see me?”6
“Yes.” A simple, painful answer.7
“You don’t look the part you play.”8
“An actor wears a mask, and I am nothing but that I say which I am.” 9
She sat gently down beside him on the swing, only scarcely altering its sway. Only then did he look at her, and his heart stopped beating the moment his grief shadowed eyes met hers. 10
Her eyes, they mirrored the calm of the sea. She was the sea. A wild and untamable thing. She was intriguing and beautiful. Never controlled. Only surprising and ever changing. She went of her free accord, changing like the winds, one moment calm and the next wild and tempestuous.11
Not able to bear her gaze, he looked back at his hands. “Why have you come?”12
“My silence should be answer enough to your question, for the thought which you have voiced is merely a thought of unbearable sorrow. It is not a question in need of an answer, yet you ask.”13
“You choose to come at a time unexpected, your timing provokingly agonizing. You know the fact that your coming will cause what I have remaining in my soul of ashes to burn as well, but yet you draw near to me. One such as I can only wonder why.” Looking at her again, he saw her eyes now wet with tears mirroring his own anguish. For a moment it nearly satisfied him, but then only caused his anger of sorrow to crumble alongside his broken heart.14
Now it was she who turned away, and as she did she spoke. “Love is a bond that never is broken save by those who shaped it. Love is a fire; it burns within its makers.” Her voice choked with tears as she looked at him. “You blame me for the ashes, when it was you who let the fire burn.”15
The pain forcing her, she stood up and walked towards the steps. He followed, his hand taking desperate hold of her wrist, forbidding her another step.16
“Please, do not leave me, lest I shall die. Give me your love once more before you leave for the abyss of eternity.” His eyes now shimmered with one last glimmer of hope, begging her to comply.17
Embracing him, she sighed with her head resting wearily upon his shoulder. The plead he offered tempted her, but she knew it must be resisted. Eyes looking over every detail of his beautiful face as if trying to memorize it all, she delicately traced his jaw, and then looked deeply into his pain-ridden eyes. 18
“Love is not only a thing of life. Death cannot sever the bond thereof. Patience I have, my love, and you must have it, too. For one day… sun won’t ever set upon us again.”19
He tenderly took her hand and brought it slowly to his lips. He then stood alone in the night as he watched her walk away into the darkness. She paused once at the edge of the ring of light and looked back one last time as if to savor her last living moment with her beloved. Then she disappeared into the snowy black of the night, until death reunited the souls of two lovers lost and alone in separate worlds.20
Author notes
"Hero" by Enrique Iglesias
A contest entry
- CALLING ALL SAPS!! by Seachelle.
225 points, ended April 20, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - hero. by breaker.
300 points, ended June 30, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? (Honestly)
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Nice comparisons. Delicate descriptions. I wish there had been more. Thanks. Great job and good luck.
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I love the way you wrote, it made me feel like I was reading a page out of history. The descrpitions were well done and I could really feel the love in this. You have quiet the talent for writing with such vivid imagery.
I could really imagine how the characters look in my head.
Good job
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Very well written and I think you showed how through the power of their love, she was able to come back for a last farewell. The language was a touch heavy, but it depends on the era that you are choosing as your theme. The story conveyed peace and hope after a devastating loss. A well crafted short story.
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What I like best is the description of love "You blame me for the ashes, it was you who let the fire burn"
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Sad but peaceful, I thought. The end feels like not quite an ending for the story, but it is an ending for the reader, because they don't really need anything else.
The dialog...a lot of it is really good, but there are some parts that might be a tad heavy. "Death cannot sever the bond thereof" The abyss of eternity almost made me chuckle because it seemed so, I don't know, cheesy almost.
Maith tu! -
This is a powerful story. I wonder what time period this is set in? The way they spoke was a little distracting at times, I thought. Unlike DoozerDan, I was not turned off by his description of her with relation to the sea. I take it that it was her ghost that met him on the swing. This was a good write, and very self-contained, it didn't leave me wanting more and I felt a kind of peace at the end, as well as sadness.
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Thank you!! You are the first person who really got this. You were supposed to feel peace at the end and it really wasn't supposed to make you want more. It just stands by itself as short story.
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Ok, what I think...
I liked the feel of it, and I REALLY like the language used in the conversations. Love that old fashioned style. Nice descriptions, very pretty.
Ok, now the not so positive. Ok, I was a lil lost, I think I get it now. But what really bugged me, was the descriptions of her eyes.
"Her eyes, they mirrored the calm of the sea. She was the sea. A wild and untamable thing. She was intriguing and beautiful. Never controlled. Only surprising and ever changing. She went of her free accord, changing like the winds, one moment calm and the next wild and tempestuous."
To me, I just could not get Pirates out of my head, they use descriptions very very much like that which was used in the Pirate movies to describe Davy Jone's love. "She was as wild and untamable as the seas..." Etc. I'm not saying that you copied it, and the wording is different, it just had me thinking for a bit that you might be doing like a lil story about Davy Jones putting his heart in a box sort of thing, 'cause the pain was to great, or whatever. Haha
Other then that, yeah, it was good, mebbe could do with a little smoothing out, but not bad, not bad at all
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um i didnt understand the last line in the first paragraph. life lost thereof? you need a comma in the fifth paragraph. k i thought this story was captivating but a little overdone on the language. i found it hard to follow at times. but like i sadi it was captivating. so good job
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HEAVY
You apparently have some sensitive and deep feelings to convey...but, although you show that you are quite capable of wielding the language, the prose IS a little heavy...particularly the dialogue.(Do people really speak like this? ("Please do not leave me, lest I shall die?"..."Death cannot sever the bond THEREOF.") I found it difficult to trudge through the forest of the text to get to that bit of truth and romance that your really wished to convey. Can you thin this out a little? Give it a shot. You'll see. It'll be much more saleable...AND...readable!
GA -
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Thank you for the suggestion, and I'll give it a shot. This piece was meant to be a little strange, though. But thanks for commenting.
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Wow! I loved this. The way it is written is just beautiful. This is such a touching and tragic story. I loved the wording you used on those last lines. It is just so breath taking. What a great write!
~Joann
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Yup I just didn't comment yet so here goes:
So serene and romantic. It's somber and sweet and so colorfully picturesque. I love it. So sweet. I agree with Hannah - "a film playing into my imagination, old-fahioned language that is used here fits perfect."
Love it.
Luffles, glomps, and plenty of huggles,
Cas
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Wow,you use words in such an awesome way that it makes the reader feel as if they've stepped into the story and are right in the action. I like the line where you said, 'Love is a fire; it burns within its makers.' Superb job! Smile
~rosesofpassion~
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I could imagine every bit in my mind, as if it were a film playing into my imagination. This is the kind of story I enjoy most. It's so lovely, romantic, and yet sad... You really fear for them, and the language, so old-fahioned that is used here fits perfectly. You, my friend, have a way with words. Marvelous.
Love, Hope, and The Hay List,
Hannah Free
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