Help!!!

I was at sea just yesterday evening when a group of pirates led by Mr. Jaywalking Redneck, who had a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook that was more or less just a whiskey holder. They came aboard my father's yacht while I was taking a purified-ocean-water-shower. They stole my trunk full of clothes and fed everyone to the sharks. They didn't know about the shower, and I could only hear them raiding the "ship" and leaving. Soon after, they started firing cannons at the yacht to blow it to pieces. Somehow, I made it out of there before it became nothing but splinters.1

Now, lately, I've been studying up my ocean languages, including dolphin. I used my intellectual book skills and called to a dolphin nearby. She came gladly enough, and I clicked and whistled to tell her to take me to shore. I didn't like being without my clothes, and the ocean water was cold. She sped through the water evading sharks and other predators that would've loved to tear me apart.2

She led me to an island and quickly caught me a couple of fish to eat. I would've been grateful, and I was... but the sand was starting to get uncomfy in just the first few minutes. Luckily, the water was shallow and the sand not as annoying in the water. Luckier still was the fact that nobody was on that island to see me naked. Now, I'm sitting here in the shallow part of the ocean, washing the grit off my white butt, hoping that someboy other than that dolphin comes here to save me, though it will be embarrasing to be nude in front of somebody else.