The Temple of the Sphere: chapter 11

In the last chapter: Throne saved Sonya from the Masters' attack and he gave her freedom.1

The red and orange explosions grew bigger and danced in the wind as the border town burned. The screams and the clashing of the swords had stopped. Everyone fled into the forest from the Masters’ wrath. The smoke rose; which, created fog that went into the scarlet sky.2

Throne had protected the town for the last five years. He and Hugo watched from the cliff as the inferno ate away the last refuge for the outsiders. Now, there would be no safe haven from the Masters. He slid off from Hugo and grabbed his cape as the town died.3

Hugo snorted, trying to get rid of the stench from the smoke. “We’re too late, my friend.”4

“We need to find Gwen in that mess.” He patted the tiger on his head. “Did I make the right decision by letting Sonya go?” He paused and stared at the flames below. “Gwen is the key for my people’s future and their freedom.” Throne walked away.5

The smoke had turned Hugo’s fur to a dark gray as he shook himself. “Sonya is different from all the women that I’ve encountered. I believed she will defeat the Masters. Gwen is also smart too; is it possible that she might have gone to the hiding place?” Hugo asked.6

Throne shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know. And I don't want to be a hero.” He grabbed a rock and threw it down the cliff.7

Hugo turned his head and brought up his hind leg to scratch his ear. “Our home needs all the heroes it can get.” He stopped scratching his ear.8

Throne turned around. “What the people need is a leader and then heroes!” He lowered his head. “I'm not sure if the people are willing to fight for their freedom.”9

Hugo looked down the cliff, then his ears began to twitch. “I hear a woman screaming!”10

Throne walked over to Hugo and bent down next to him. “Where?”11

“I believe the woman is outside of the town.”12

Throne jumped on Hugo's back. “It must be Gwen!”13

The tiger turned his head. “It sounds like her.”14

Throne grabbed the strap from the saddle. “Let's go.”15

Hugo raced down the cliff to the screaming woman. Throne pulled out his sword and slashed through the twigs and branches. Once they reached the end of the cliff. Men in strange clothes had chained a blonde woman inside of the wagon. Throne and Hugo observed from the thick underbrush.16

“Let me go!” the woman yanked on her chains.17

The men removed the top of the wagon, the horses, and then the bars. Then they took off the wheels as a bald man walked over to the woman. He circled her as she struggled in the chains.18

“Where is your mistress?” He yanked on one of the chains to make it tighter.19

Blood dripped from her ankle and tears ran down her cheeks. “I don't know what you are talking about!” She bit her lip.20

The man stood by her feet and held the chain in his hand. “You were with the redhead woman who asked about the slave children? He yanked on the chain again as she began to scream in pain. “I want them back!”21

She lifted up her head. “I don't know!” she yelled.22

He gave an evil grin. “It has been a long time since my men has been with a woman.” He rubbed her foot.23

She wiggled as the chains rattled. “No! Please, no.” She laid her head back down.24

Throne focused his dark brown eyes on her. “It's Gwen,” he whispered.25

Hugo gave a low growl as he showed his long fangs. “I count six men and the leader makes seven.”26

Throne grasped his sword. “The leader is mine.”27

They charged out of the woods as the slave traders turned in shock. Hugo jumped on one of the men, took his claws, and ripped him apart. Throne ran to each man, swung his sword and sliced opened each attacker’s chest to reach Gwen. Hugo chased the last two men into the woods. The blood trail led to the bald man as Throne’s eyes focused on the leader. The man ran to Gwen's head and took a knife; and held it near her neck.28

“Stop! Or she is dead.” He laughed at them.29

Gwen lay on the plank as she cried as a cold knife touched her soft skin. Throne stepped forward; the man pressed the knife into her neck. He smiled at Throne. Then Hugo roared as the man dropped the knife; Throne charged at him as he took his sword and slash opened his stomach as he watched the man drop to his knees.30

Throne walked over to Gwen, her deep blue eyes just stared at him. She had a piece of a dirty clot that barely covered her. Her arms and legs had cuts and she covered in a layer of dried mud. He lifted his arm over her; next, his hand glowed as the chains popped off.31

Gwen took her hands to cover her face to hide from Throne. He placed his sword on his back, he stroked her hair as he bent down next to her.32

“Gwen, are you all right?”33

She turned her head away from him. “No!”34

Throne bit his lip. “Did they?”35

She turned on her side to wrap her arms around his neck. “No.”36

“Come on, you need to sit up.” He guided her to the edge of the plank. Then he untied his cape to put it around her body. “Everything is going to be all right.” He picked her up.37

Hugo walked over to them. “How bad is she?”38

Gwen grasped his shoulder. “Don't ever leave me again.”39

Throne put her on Hugo's back and then he climbed on as she leaned back into his arms. “That is something, I can't promise you.” He tucked his arms around her waist.40

Hugo turned his head. “Where to?”41

Throne looked around to see the dead bodies, the puddles of blood, and the pieces of flesh scattered everywhere. “You know.” He held Gwen tighter.42

“Right.” Hugo raced over to the cliff again.43

~44

Gwen woke up and rubbed her hand on Throne's back as he lay on his side. She looked around in the room; the walls were out of cloudy-white crystals as she could feel warmth from them. Over to her left, was a white door with no handle on it. Gwen put her hand on the floor to touch the fur like material. She took her fingers and played with a few pieces of it.  The smooth strands tickled her sore hand as she continued to twirl it with her fingers.45

Throne turned over towards her and kissed her on her neck. “They call it carpet.”46

She rolled over on her back to look at him. “Who are they?”47

He stroked her face. “The Na-See, they built this place.” He kissed her on her lips.48

Gwen laid there motionless as Throne raised his head. Then she slapped him hard on his rigid face. He grabbed her arms and pinned them over her head as he looked into her eyes. “What is wrong with you?”49

She struggled to free her arms. “Let me go!” Gwen yelled.50

His eyes widened as scratches and bruises covered her body. “What did they do to you?”51

Tears ran down her chapped cheeks. “They… They tortured me!” she screamed.52

Throne let her go and sat besides her. “Did they?” 53

Gwen shook her head. “You stopped them.” She clutched his hand.54

He lay back down next to her, then Gwen wrapped her arms around his chest; he just held her in his arms as she cried.55

He stroked her long blonde hair. “What did they want?”56

She sat up and stared into his dark brown eyes. “Sonya!” She started pounding him on his tanned firm chest. “Sonya! Sonya!” Gwen screamed.57

Throne grabbed her wrists and pinned them behind her back. Gwen kicked and struggled to be let loose from his grip. Gwen broke free; next, he slammed her down on the giant mattress as he sat on top of her.58

He caught his breath. “I know that you’re from the Rising Moon Clan.” He watched Gwen's face turned red. “Sonya is our future! I don't know how or why. But, she is.”59

“You were supposed to give her to the other priest!” She tried to free herself again. “That was the deal!”60

Throne let an out a huge sigh as he stared into her eyes. “This is what I get taking a very woman…”61

She bit her lip. “I am fifty! I’m old enough to know when I am about to be shipped out!”62

He smiled at her as she struggled to free herself. “You're not being shipped out. You're my beloved; for us to be together we must find a safe place to live.”63

She stopped struggling to stare at him. “You only took me because I’m great in bed!” Gwen snapped.64

“There are so many reasons why I took you.” He winked at her. “Now if you're done fighting, I'll let you go.”65

Gwen took in a deep breath. “All right, I am done fighting.”66

Throne released her as he rolled over unto his side of the mattress and stared up at the ceiling. Gwen turned away from him as she brought her knees up to her chest. The silence of the room got to her as she heard herself breathe.67

She turned her head towards him. “I’m cold.”68

“Computer, blanket.” Throne rose from the mattress as a drawer pushed out from the crystal wall. He walked over to get it.69

Gwen sat up. “That’s amazing!”70

He grabbed the blanket and then he turned around. Gwen’s blonde long hair danced in the light that made her baby blue eyes shine. He walked back to her, next, he unfolded the blanket over her. “Are you going to be warm enough?”71

“As long as you hold me in your arms.” Gwen patted his side of the mattress.72

Throne sat down next to her and wrapped his arms around her as his fingers played with her hair.73

In a list

If you find any nits in this chapter, please give me examples so I can understand what you are trying to tell me, Thank you

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Comments

  • Awww. Gwen and Throne are so cute together, and I was overwhelmed when he swooped in with Hugo to rescue her. !!! Great twist!!! You showed us how perfect they are together. Keep up the good work.


  • Token Massacre silver member
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    The screams and the clashing of the swords had stopped. Everyone fled into the forest from the Masters’ wrath.

    if you remove the word 'had' changed the fullstop after 'stopped' to 'and' the sentence would flow easier.


    Watch overdetailing. Leading the reader is good but giving too much tends to not leave much to the imagination.

    “We need to find Gwen in that mess.” He patted the tiger on his head. “Did I make the right decision by letting Sonya go?” He paused and stared at the flames below. “Gwen is the key for my people’s future and their freedom.” Throne walked away.5
    for example
    'on his head' isn't necessary nor is the fact that he walked away.

    The dialogue works well in this chapter. it keeps the reader going to find out what's next.
    I look forward to seeing where you take this. Now that i'm back i'll be reading more

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    February 19

    Edit | Reply

    Throne and Hugo make an interesting pair of fighters. Personally I’d give them a bit more action.

    Hi Lynn,

    This is a great story; it has all the emotional upheaval a reader of the genre could want. I really enjoy the read.

    Throne and Hugo make an interesting pair of fighters. Personally I’d give them a bit more action. You kind of rush the scene where they whip butt.

    Geri

    Now, I be Miss Meany and point out a number of booboos;

    . Everyone (still alive) fled into the forest from the Masters’ wrath. The smoke rose; which, created fog that went (reached) into the scarlet sky.2

    . Once they reached the end of the cliff. (, men) Men in strange clothes had chained a blonde woman inside (outside) of the wagon. Throne and Hugo observed from the thick underbrush.16 (If she’s inside how can they see her?)

    The men removed the top of the wagon, the horses, and then the bars. Then they took off the wheels as a bald man walked over to the woman. He circled her as she struggled in the chains.18 ( You could move this between, Men in strange clothes had chained a blonde woman inside of the wagon. And Throne and Hugo observed from the thick underbrush.16

    He gave an evil grin. “It has been a long time since my men has (have) been with a woman.” He rubbed her foot.23

    They charged out of the woods as the slave traders turned in shock. Hugo jumped on one of the men, took (with) his claws, and (he) ripped him apart.

    Throne ran (at the others)to (at)each man, (he)swung his sword and sliced opened each attacker’s chest to reach Gwen.

    . The man ran to Gwen's head and took a knife; and held it near her neck.28(Since he is already near her, just have him drop beside her.)

    Gwen lay on the plank as (and) she cried as a cold knife touched her soft skin.

    Then Hugo roared as (and) the man dropped the knife;(.)

    Throne charged at him(.) as he(He) took his sword and slash(slashed) opened his (enemy’s) stomach (and watched the man fall to his knees.) as he watched the man drop to his knees.30

    She had a piece of a dirty clot (clothe) that barely covered her. Her arms and legs had cuts and she(was) covered in a layer of dried mud.

    Gwen took her hands to cover her face (to hide from Throne.—I would remove)
    He placed his sword on his back, (bent down next to her and stroked her hair.) he stroked her hair as he bent down next to her.32

    “Right.” Hugo raced over to the cliff (cliffs) again.43~44

    Gwen woke up and rubbed her hand on Throne's back as he lay on his side. She looked around in (remove in) the room; the walls were out (remove out) of cloudy-white crystals as (and instead of as) she could feel warmth from them.

    His eyes widened as (he saw the) scratches and bruises (that) covered her body.

    Throne let an out a huge sigh as he stared into her eyes. “This is what I get (for) taking a very woman…”61


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    P2 last sentence try: Smoke rose created a fog that went into the scarlet sky. It just flows better this way to me.

    P3 1st and 2nd sentence how about trying to combine those two sentences? Maybe like: As Thone and Hugo watched the town he had protected for five years, from the cliff as the inferno ate away the last rfuge for the outsiders. Or maybe not. Hmmm...I just didn't like the use of He in the second sentence. I could totally be off on that *shrugs*

    Just a little glitch, but combine P5 and P6

    I feel there needs to be more in P12-16. I just feel like there could be more description or actions. Like the first P, when he bends down could he not rest a hand on the neck of Hugo? Or something along those lines?

    Can Hugo go down a cliff? Definition of cliff: A high, steep, or overhanging face of rock. It would be hard for him to go down that even with massive claws. Maybe there's a trail next to the cliff?

    Give a little more description on the man doing the torturing. Also what kind of 'strange clothing' were that men wearing?

    P24 was she angry, defeated, desperate?

    P26 How about: '"I count seven men including the leader."' Just sounds better to me. You don't have to use as many words.

    P28 You're telling again here and not showing. Also going back and forth between the characters in one paragraph was confusing.

    P30 Again I think it would be better to seperate what Hugo and Throne do, instead of leaving them in the same paragraph.

    Gwen jumped from one emotions to the other way to quick. Maybe a flashback feeling of what they did would make it easier for the reading to understand why she suddenly turned on her hero.

    I understand that she had just been tortured, but the jumping of the moods, as I'm calling it, was just too much for me. And I don't have any idea as to how to help you.

    But I like the plot and the dialog was believeable to me.
    Keep it up
    Brooke