The Boy Who Will Never Love Me

I didn't understand it. He was attractive, smart, sweet and he liked me. He laughs at my jokes and I try not to beat around the bush but with him it feels even more difficult to confess my true feelings. But it can never be. I wish my thoughts of him would end with that realization. But even though I know it's impossible some part of me believes that maybe he could love me. 1

Jason is a Mormon, and I have grown into a household divided (my mother is Jewish and my father Christian). Besides the holidays I grew up without an affiliation to any particular faith. Mormons are encouraged not to date outside of the Mormon culture. They say that you can but you will not be sealed together and your partner will not receive eternal life. 2

On the day he told me this my heart sank, I felt ill and didn't understand. I had finally managed to gain a true friend and I had to ruin it by falling in love. I jokingly said that "Hey guess what I converted to Mormon". He said the you couldn't just convert. At a table full of people it is easy for the awkward moment to pass quickly. 3

I was sitting on the edge of my bed waiting for my thoughts to slow down and allow me to sleep. His curly brown hair and dark brown eyes stuck in my head. It would have been enough with his looks but he also possessed the most likable personality. I knew I wasn't his only friend just walking with him several people would stop and talk to him or come into a conversation. I secretly wished to be alone with him. 4

One day a group of us went to the mall, I felt so misplaced as I only spoke with Jason and he with everyone. We had a moment alone eventually both of us sitting outside a store waiting for the rest to finish shopping.5

In an attempt to become even closer we began to talk to each other about our personal lives, who we liked (I told him of a previous crush). He spoke to me of a Mormon girl who went to our school Chelsey. I tried hard to contain my disappointment, it was easy because he could make a conversation flow like a river. At one point I told him that bad things had happened in my past. As soon as the words left my mouth I tried to pull them back in. Being concerned now he attempted to coax out my deep secret. In his perfect life I knew he wouldn't understand. I was raped when I was thirteen, I hadn't told anyone, except my two friends who had now moved away, not even my parents knew. I managed to keep my secret knowing that if the truth had been exposed I would become the girl who had been raped. I didn't want that. Not with him. I didn't need any one to feel sorry for me.6

A few days later I went to a concert, he plays the French horn. I had heard already why I couldn't be with him, and who he actually liked. As the concert went on however I found myself only looking at him his cheekbones showing as he played so beautifully. Some of his friends had straightened his hair. In a pause between the songs, he smiled at me. I smiled back. I felt so inadequate, I wasn't good enough for him. I was never going to be loved by Jason. 7

So each day whether it is him laughing at one of my jokes, singing beside me in choir class, or just looking at one another pretending to be flirting. I wish secretly that he weren't so nice to me. That he could do something horrible and mean. That way maybe I would be able to forget about him. But no each day I have to keep my secret and I have to keep it alone, for he is... my only true friend.