Stop spinning, you're making me dizzy...

There was cheese, and possible some beer... But mainly cheese. I can't remember anything much clearly, 'cept for the cheese... And spinning... Round cheese, going in circles, round and around and around. Looked rather like the moon come to think of it... Mebbe it was the disco light. Was it cheese? 1

'Fred?' a feminine voice interrupted my thoughts. 2

'Hum?' I replied.3

'Are you alright?'4

'Mff.'5

'Is that a yes? Or a no...?' 6

'Mmmph.' 7

'Ah...' 8

I opened my eyes. An upside-down face, who's I couldn't remember, stared down at me. Or was it up? I wasn't so sure...9

'So you are alive,' said the voice, whom now had a face, but as of yet, no name.10

'...Mebbe. Are you sure I'm not a figment of your imagination?' 11

'No, I'm not sure, but until I have some proof that you are, in fact, not there, I will take action based on the theory that you are,' said said person upside-down, or right-way up? In front of me. 12

I took a few moments to processes this information, well doing so, I looked around. As far as I could make out, the world had turned upside down. And I appeared to be standing on a piece of rope which was tied to a tree, which was growing out of the sky.13

'Why are you standing on the sky?' I asked said person in front of me. And as an after thought, added, 'And who are you?' 14

'Firstly, I'm not standing on the sky, this is the ground. Secondly, I'm Jessica, your fiancée.' 15

I thought about this. 'Oh. Why's the ground up there then? And since when have I had a fiancée?' 16

Jessica, of whom it now seemed I was doomed to marry, stared at me in a funny way. 'We've been engaged for for two weeks now, last night was our engagement party...' 17

'Oh. Two weeks, eh? Couldn't have gotten me mixed with someone else per chance? 'Cause I don't remember you. And where am I?' 18

Jessica's mouth dropped. 'You what? You don't remember me? How could you forget!' 19

'Ah...'20

Before I could answer, she turned and stalked off through the trees in a huff. Sighing I continued to look around, trying to work out where I was. 21

After some minutes of staring, I deduced that I was in a park, and unless I was very much mistaken, I could see my house through the trees. I also worked out why the ground was where the sky should be. Someone, or someone's, had tied me upside down to a tree. I felt rather pleased at working that fact out. In fact, I must admit, I felt extremely clever at working that out. 22

I shut my eyes, and tried to think, which was quite hard to do when ones head was full of blood. Slowly the events of the previous night filtered into my throbbing head. 23

-----------------------------------24

The previous night. 25

'Ready to rock this party?' I asked as Jessica slid into the passenger seat of my car. 26

She looked at me and grinned. 'You bet. Just don't get stoned Mmm 'K?' 27

'Me? Stoned?' I asked indignantly as I put the car into first and pulled away from the curb, in front of her house. 'I never get stoned. Mebbe a lil tipsy, but never stoned.' 28

She stared at me, then shook her head. 'Whatever, just don't embarrass me, my family have come all the way from Sydney to meet you, and I don't need you playing the fool around them or they may decide to not fund the wedding.'29

All the way from Sydney? I thought to myself, caw, anyone would think that was the other side of the country, it's only like a 11 hour drive from Brisbane. I pouted and remained silent, concentrating on my driving. 30

15 minutes later we arrived at the disco hall where the party was being held. 31

I got out, locked the car, and headed to the main entrance. Only to hear a voice sounding rather like Jessica's, in a muffled fashion, scream at me, 'You locked the flippin' door!' 32

Sighing I turned and pressed the button on my key, unlocking the car door. Trying to keep some vestiges of dignity, despite half the people in the parking lot having heard her scream, and now watching, Jessica climbed out of the car, and strode toward me. Glaring at me she stalked past and left me to lock the car. 33

I pushed button on my key and locked the car. Turning I hurried after Jessica. 34

I found her standing in the foyer waiting for me. Smiling at her I offered her my hand, she scowled at it, and with a haughty sniff took it. 'Don't you dare lock me in again.' 35

'Honey, you could have unlocked it from in the car.' I explained patiently. 36

'That's not the point!' she snapped, dragging me through the crowd to the desk. 37

'Well what is the point then?' I asked, puzzled somewhat at this. I didn't see why she had to make such a big fuss over being locked in the car. 38

We reached the desk. 39

'Hello, how may I help you?' asked the man behind it. 40

'Hello, we have the venue booked for this evening,' I replied, smiling cheerfully at him. 41

'Indeed. Your name?' asked the man, who's name tag identified as Hugh.42

'Fred Workinoven.' 43

A smile twitched the corner of the mans lips and he quickly looked down to cover it. 'Ah yes, here you are. Head straight through that door–' He pointed too the big double doors at the end of the foyer– 'There are staff inside waiting for you, they will tell you anything you wish to know.'44

'Thank you.' Jessica dragged me away before I could ask him what he thought was so funny about my name. 45

A couple of hours later, the guests had all arrived, and I was feeling very happy. Mebbe the cheese had been fermenting, or someone had tipped something into the punch, both of which I had been taking liberal doses of. 46

Sitting on a chair by the punch bowl, a glass of punch in one hand, and a piece of cheese in the other. I sat and watching the guests, most of whom I'd never met, dance. 47

The big disco light hanging above the dance floor looked rather like a glittering ball of Swiss cheese. Or a shiny moon. Or maybe both. I couldn't really make up my mind, but before I really had time to delve into the philosophy of it all, I heard a voice in my ear. 48

'May I have this dance?' 49

Turning I saw Jessica standing there, a soft smile on her face. My goodness, she was beautiful. I smiled cheerfully at her. 'Sure.' It was all going splendidly till I tried to stand, and failed, collapsing back into the chair. 'Heh, a hand up mebbe?' 50

Jessica rolled her eyes and offered me her hand, I took it, and launched myself up off the chair. Staggering slightly, but not falling, I followed her onto the dance floor. 51

By the time we'd reached a spot that wasn't flooded by other people, the song had changed. 52

As we started dancing, Jessica asked, 'What song is this? I know I've heard it before, but can't place it.' 53

I thought about this a moment. 'Into The Fight, by Sultana and Chad Croaker.' 54

She gave me a funny stare before shaking her head in a will-I-ever-learn? way. 55

'What?' I asked. Puzzled at what I'd said wrong.56

'It's Into The Night, by Santana and Chad Kroeger.' 57

The dancers picked up pace as the song built up. We swung out into an largish empty circle in the centre of the dance floor. And broke it down.58

'That's what I said, 'I shouted over the music. 59

She shook her head again. 'Whatever.' 60

It was then that the evening started to go downhill. Due to a bright idea of mine, I decided we'd start spinning in circles, just like the song said. So we started spinning, around, and around, and around, and thud. Straight into the Dreaded In-laws To Be. Who in turn staggered back into my brother and his wife, who in turn collided with Jessica's sister. And so it went, till everyone had collided with everyone. And somehow, the Dreaded In-laws To Be ended up wearing a lot of punch and cheese. 61

The music was turned down as everyone stopped dancing. There was silence, and I felt the pressure of hundreds of eyes staring at me. Well, there were technically only 102 eyes, but it felt like more. 62

'Ah... oops?' I hazarded.63

'This was a $2,000 dress!' shrieked Mrs. Dreaded In-law To Be.64

'Ahh... big oops?' I tried again. 65

Voices started chiming in from all over the dance hall, various expensive articles of clothing having been ruined by the mysterious punch spillage. 66

'Ahhhh... uber-big oops?' But it didn't seem to be working.67

'Jessica! How could you want to marry a blundering oaf like him?' Mrs. Dreaded In-law To Be snapped. 68

' 'Cause he doesn't make a fuss over spilt milk,' I heard her mutter before she said in a louder voice, 'Because I love him.' 69

'But he's a fool!' 70

'Um, might I–' I began, but got no further. 71

'No you may not say anything at all. You will remain silent. Unless you wish to volunteer to pay for this dress!' 72

'Ahh, no. No I won't. Not my fault you ran into the punch bowl... all of you... many times...' This was ridicules, how on earth could I have gotten punch on all of them? 73

Judging by the looks on their faces, I decided that my statement didn't go down to well with them. I could also feel Jessica's eyes boring into my back. I started sidling toward the exit. 74

The silence in the room deepened. If it could be seen, it would now be a dark shade of blue, almost black. I decided now might be a good time to make a break for it. 75

I got three steps before the cry broke up behind me, 'Don't let him get away!' And various other cries such as, 'Lynch him!' 'String him up by his toes!' '76

Not waiting to find out if they were serious about lynching me, I made a bolt for it. 77

Straight into Jessica's great aunt, and by great aunt, I don't mean her grandparents sister, I mean she was great big! The sort of woman who if lay on the beach would have Animal Well Fair groups trying to push her back into the ocean. 78

The was a very padded whump as I smacked into her and bounced back a few feet. Right into the waiting hands of Jessica's maddening family, as well as a few of my own I noted. 79

'Let go of him now!' Jessica thundered as she shoved her way through the crowd. 'You bunch of immature little children. There is no way he could have gotten the punch over you all!' 80

There was a moments silence as the Dreaded In-laws tried to work this out. 81

'Yes, yes!' I agreed enthusiastically. 'Go on, tell 'em what for!' 82

'I mean, there is only one punch bowl, how could he have gotten it over you all?' 83

There was an ashamed silence as the Dreaded In-laws shuffled uncomfortably, and stared bashfully at their feet. 84

'Look at you, you're all pathetic. No one could even make the one bowl of punch get over you all.' 85

'That's it! That's it!' I said, as I felt the grip of many hands on my arms loosen. 86

'Unless of course he stuck it into the emergency sprinkler system, and turned that on...' continued Jessica thoughtfully. 87

'Yes! Wait, what?' My heart fell as I realised what she'd said, and as I also realised that everyone else realised what she'd said. 88

'Oh bugger...' 89

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I opened by eyes. Jessica was standing in front of me. Funny, I hadn't heard her arrive. 91

I looked up, or down, or both... either way, I looked at her head, which was up, I think, but I'm not sure. Noting that she was holding a set of hedge clippers, I decided to proceed carefully with my questions. 92

'So, do you like cheese?' 93

Jessica blinked twice, then looked down at me. 'Pardon?' 94

'Cheese, do you like it? I've never asked you before.' I continued innocently. 95

She stared at me in a funny way, before shaking her head an lifting the hedge clippers. 96

'No! Don't hurt me!' I screamed, and started thrashing frantically.97

There was a shink, as the hedge clippers snapped shut. And then the momentary feeling of not being attached to anything, before my head said hello to the ground, shortly followed by the rest of me. 98

'Owww...?' I moaned. 99

'Oh get up you whimp,' said the heartless Jessica. 100

'It ruddy hurts!' I wailed. 'And my feet are asleep,' I added as an afterthought. 101

I tried to stand, but fell over, once again saying hello to the ground, this time though, I felt the visit would be somewhat longer. 102

Jessica sighed and sat down beside me. 103

We sat in silence. Apart from the occasional groan from me.104

'How do you manage it? Almost everyone you meet you just seem to make them want to kill you,' she said after awhile. 105

I thought about this, almost everyone seemed a bit harsh, but after thinking about it, it was also probably true. 'I dunno. I try to be friendly, but that just seems to get on peoples nerves. And then things go crazy around me, like punch...' 106

'Ah yes, that.' Jessica said slowly. 'You know, after they hung you by your feet and left you, they went back to the disco bar. Turns out that there had been a fault with the sprinkler system, and it had gone off. And someone as a practical joke, a few days earlier, had put punch in the water tanks. But they never got to to the trick, so it stayed there. Till last night.' 107

'Wait, you mean your ruddy family hung me 'cause of something I didn't do?' I asked, my eyes narrowing. 108

'Err, yes. That's about the sum of it.' 109

'Oh, really? Well, guess that's Ok then. At least it wasn't my fault,' I said, as it sunk in that taking the whole family on might be a bit foolish, and result in another hanging, this time mebbe not by the feet. 110

We sat awhile longer. Enjoying the quiet morning in the park. 111

'I still reckon it's Sultana and Chad Croaker that wrote that song...' I said, then got up and ran, before Jessica decided to use the hedge clippers on me.