In the Hole

There's always that one guy. The one you remember, even if you wish you didn't. He charmed you, fooled you, and made you love him. It's usually a whirlwind situation, based on sex, lust, and lack of life ambition. And it's usually dangerous. 1

Chances are, the fellow's name is Aiden. It's always the Aiden's of the world who break your heart into the most pieces. My Aiden was a cheeky boyo, into films and quick as a snap. You'd never know his tricks if you loved him for a thousand years. 2

I only got to know him for a few. 3

We met through a friend of a friend of mine, as all interesting tales begin. I was depressed and he was lonely and yet we still managed to pull our beings together to make something of the friendship. 4

I'm pretty sure I was the first one to fall. It wasn't a quick fall in the least, it was more like an escalator ride down that kept backing up until it hits rock bottom. I'm also pretty sure his wit was his shield, blocking his mind from the very obvious thing falling in front of him. I think he took the elevator shaft down. Poor thing walked right into the black hole of love without looking back. Maybe that was his downfall. Either way we both hit a floor, all cemented and gritty. 5

When we finally realized we were both covered in dust, it didn’t take long before we dusted eachother off and finally got down to business. We were four years into friendship and 6 months into this bizarre thing called love and still I never knew what was coming next. 6

Our first big night out on the town wasn’t that fantastic. It was the moments in between, the quiet nights in, the times in the field. Those were the best of times, where we lay in a field, dark as the hole we were in, simply watching in silence the sky go by as we gripped tightly to eachothers hands hoping for one moment we could escape the lives we lived. It was in those moments that we knew one of us would fail. 7

His mother was a drunk bitch and my past wrecked my soul but we worked. We worked so well that we fell apart, I believe. We began to doubt where we stood to one another. His wit started to cut and my insecurities made intimacy a joke. 8

The straw that broke the camels back was a one night implosion. I was drunk as a skunk and he was popped and my insecurities were silenced until too late. It was the morning after the initial event that the hole started to cave in on us. When I woke up in his arms I knew I couldn’t see the surface so I bolted. He watched me leave, to strung out to notice how I couldn’t escape my demons. When I needed my friend the most, he wasn’t there to make it okay. See that’s the problem with first loves, they always let you down. That’s why, I guess, first loves are only that. 9

It was two weeks after the grand finale when I felt my heart break. I lay lonely in the field where we once were happy as our mutual friend of a friend came to join me. His face was overcast like the sky and this was one of the few times I’d ever seen him that way. It was an epic moment as he sat down beside me and told me Aiden was gone. 10

“There was a car accident…” Was all he said and I knew. He wasn’t my best friend, nor were I his, and yet I held him tighter than I had ever held Aiden’s hand because I knew I’d lost my first love. 11