One Foot In The Grave - Part Five

Just being in that room had every muscle in my body tense fit to cause insanity, but I was fully determined to keep my body loose and appear relaxed. The cuffs sat higher up on my arms so that they didn’t pinch the cast on my hand, but I still felt trapped and opted to keep my arms still and relaxed so as not to further my panic. I sat back, linking my ankles together tightly. When Deanna finally started talking, I followed suit with Conor and moved my gaze over to her as she sat across from us. I picked at the skin around my thumbnail roughly, just to cause enough pain to keep me from trying to get loose. Kind of a reminder of the pain that I would feel should I try and get out of the cuffs.1

“Can’t wait.” 2

I forced a smile and glanced at Conor briefly out of the corner of my eye, “Let’s do this.”3

Brewer smiled cheerfully and practically bounced with enthusiasm. I had only been in the room three minutes, and already I wanted to be sick. “Okay,” she said finally and sat up straighter, linking her fingers together and placing them on her desk. “I’d like to start this out the same way I start group. Tegan, if you will, let Conor and I know how you feel in four words or less.”4

Mother fu…5

I shrugged, feeling the pull of the handcuffs on my arm, raking up my anxiety level even more so than it had been. “Tired and slightly anxious.”6

“Is that it?” She asked, raising her eyebrows.7

No. I wanted to say. I’m also furious that I’m being forced to do this kind of shit when I was the one who was provoked.8

But I just nodded, lifting my hands up to scratch my nose, “Yeah. That’s it.”9

She seemed pleased with my answer and moved on to Conor, “And what about you?”10

Conor shrugged, “About the same actually.”11

He was pacing me. I noticed that really quickly. For those of you who don’t know what pacing is, it’s when you copy the movements or tones or phrases that someone uses when you’re trying to do two things: connect with them on some sort of level, or trying to get under their skin.12

It’s one of those things that you learn when you’re stuck in a place like this. Pacing is a great way for the workers here to develop relationships with the inmates. Deanna tried to do it, but it only irritated everyone.13

And since we’re talking about Conor, my guess is he was trying to do the latter.14

Right down to the very tone that he used, it matched mine almost perfectly. I glanced over at him briefly and saw his ankles crossed as well. His hands rested limply in his lap and I directed my sight back toward Deanna. I didn’t have to peek down at her feet to see her ankles crossed. I just knew that they were. Shaking my hair into my face, I slouched down in my chair and crossed my legs lazily, tapping my fingers on my hand. 15

“Right,” Deanna sighed after a long and tense pause. “Let’s discuss what happened a few days ago then.”16

”There’s nothing to discuss.” Conor and I both snarled at the same time, and upon realizing of this, we both shot a glare in the other’s direction. 17

“On the contrary,” Deanna said, staring at us both seriously. “There’s quite a bit to discuss. Both of your behaviors were way out of line, and, to be frank, appalling.” She was quiet for a while to let this sink in and sighed. “Neither of you have had an outburst quite like this one in a while. It came as a shock to us. I mean, we would have expected it from one of the other inmates given your good behavior recently. But the two of you blew us away.”18

“We aim to please.” Conor muttered darkly.19

Deanna’s face fell, her lips pursing tightly, neck blanching with anger. “This isn’t a laughing matter Conor. Both of you could have been severely injured in the altercation.”20

A sneer crept onto his face and he glanced over at me quickly. I knew what he was going to say before it left his mouth. “Tegan does fine injuring herself without me. All I did was set it up.”21

“You son of a-“ My legs uncrossed rapidly, feet smacking onto the floor and torso shooting upright with outrage. I cut myself off when I saw the look on Deanna’s face and realized that this was what Conor wanted out of me. Grudgingly, I forced my body to relax once again and slouched back down, re-crossing my legs. It took a moment for me to relax my facial features, but when I did, I focused on the painting on the wall, just above Deanna’s head. 22

I glanced over at Conor briefly, whose sneer only grew, slowly, ever so, transforming into a smirk that he just couldn’t repress. His sudden smugness made my blood boil. Without needing to be instructed, I slid my gaze back over to the painting, counting to ten silently. I could feel my pulse pounding furiously inside my ears.23

“Are you good?” Deanna asked, her eyebrows raised in interest.24

“Yeah, I’m good.” I said, waving my hand dismissively. “Please, continue.”25

The session went on for the next hour and I was able to keep my temper. When Deanna let us go, I stood up and held my arms out, waiting patiently for the guard to un-cuff me. They were slipped off and I was escorted back to my room.26

“How’d it go?” Maegan asked quietly, watching me uneasily, almost as though she expected me to go flying off the handle again.27

I shrugged and sat down on my bed, “Could’ve been worse.”28