All These Lives - Chapter Four - The Over Dose

1

All these Lives2

Chapter Four
~The Overdose~3

One4

My Father was a drug addict.5

There was no denying everyone who knew him knew that. Not that anyone in this town ever tried to offer me a helping hand of support.6

I loved my Childhood amongst many others. Never knowing who My real parents were, even though I had lived with them all my life.7

I knew there had been a time when I was young when both my parents were clean, when life was just starting out good for us all, but that life was long gone by the time I could walk.8

From the age of Six I was very well aware of everything that was going on around me. I was well aware that what my Father was doing was wrong, and while he was never violent towards me, I knew that he was out of it, I always thought he was someone different. 9

So as I grew older I became more aware of his mood swings, his behavior and how to react.10

Most nights I would lock myself in my room, my windows open, smoking cigarettes till my head hurt, and I would cry myself to sleep awaiting the day my parents would wake up and realize that this was no way anyone should live.11

Those were dreams, false dreams. What an idiot I had become, lost in a false sense of security thinking one day, One day it would be alright, one day they would be clean, one day we would be a family, one day they would remember my name without even having to ask me.12

Then one day, by chance of a miracle my Father began to become aware of his self destructing ways. 13

He asked me last one afternoon in the winter as we lay bundled up in blankets because he had not been able to afford to pay the bills for the gas heater, If I remember somewhere along the lines for help, he told me that he wanted my help, that he wanted to show me that he could be a good dad.14

I did not believe him at first, but I offered my support, I did my part by booking an appointment downtown at the social family services.15

Slowly over the course of a year he did his part to, he went to every meeting, he quite the bottle and the drugs and even got himself a job working at a local delivery center. He was completely clean by my eighteenth birthday.16

Thats what he wanted me believe, thats what I did believe. Little did I know that despite the fact that he was clean, he was dealing behind my back, and soon enough the temptation for those little pills was to much for my dear father.17


Two18

I did not have to pursue my suspicions, for they unraveled all on there own.19

The moments from him coming home late a night, food in his arms and a video to watch while we curled up on the sofa, turned to nights he would come home with bottle of alcohol and a mind in the gutter, spitting out the most bizarre and spiteful things, only to turn around the next second and to act like nothing had even happened. 20

I knew in his head he was delirious, he could not remember what day it was, or what year, all he knew was money, money and more money, and as I became more aware of his behavior patterns, I knew he was back on the drugs.21

It was a pity that my Mother was never around to see him in his fits of rage at no one in particular, the ones were he would scream at her and she wasn't even here. It was like he was screaming to a memory, screaming to a person he loved so much and thought that he could see, when really it was all in his head.22

Then one day He didn't come home, it turned to days and almost a week before he did.23

I remember having this dream where he left me at this freak show carnival. 24

He told me to go buy some cotton candy and hot dogs and when I got to the stand the woman told me they were eight dollars each. I did not have that kind of money for a hot dog or candy cane so I went back to were my father was waiting, or was supposed to be waiting, Instead I saw a vacant spot and began to frantically search my way through the crowds of people.25

I remember meeting an old man on top of a hill that overlooked the show grounds and telling him about how I could not find my Father, how he had left me there and promised that he would wait for me. I remember the old man making voice calls, letting everyone know I was after my Dad, but he never showed.26

Then one day I was at my grandmothers, the dream started to get darker as I phone called my Mother who had just recently found out. After hanging up the phone, I switched on the television to see the news. 27

The News Flash was about a young man who had hanged himself with an electrical cord this evening. A witness explained that he knew the man to have children and a wife.28

I still remember, to this day, that haunting face of his in that nightmare- his eyes not quite closed, but not quite open, his hands much like a mere cat's, extended out filled with blood.29

A few days before my Father arrived home, I could have sworn I saw his ghost walking around the house, but it most likely would have been an apparition caused my the amount of stress that I was under.30

A week later my Father returned, as happy as anything, like he had been away for a few hours, like he had gone shopping or something as simple as that. His mood was unstable.31

I did not attack him, nor did I scream or yell or break things or take the bottle up myself.32


I just stared at him, giving him a long depressing glare before telling him he had disappointed me, and walked away.33

That was the breaking point for me, after that I lost all hope in trying to help the bastard, even though the bastard was all I had. He was how I was still living, but I guessed he had to get the money from somewhere, and at least I was eating every night.34

Three35

Those were the sequences of events that lead to the fatal day of my Fathers overdose.36

I woke up just like any other morning, tired, drained and hungry, thinking my Father would already be gone so I could start cleaning without him being in the way.37

Instead he sat at the table, leaning back in his chair, frothing at the mouth, His body white and limpid, his eyes rolled back in his head. 38

Startled in panic and fear I ran over to my Father, falling to my knees to grab his wrist, checking for a pulse.39

His heart was still beating, that was a good sign, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I did not want to leave him in case he passed, but if I didn't he might pass anyway. I had to take the risk to leave him and make that call to the ambulance. 40

Leaving him sitting in that chair was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I kept my eyes on him as I dialed the numbers, the phone shaking so violently in my hand, I almost dropped into the boiling water in the sink.41

“Hello... I need an ambulance to apartment 153 new valley drive... I have reason to believe my Father has had an overdose or is still overdosing.”42

党Well be there right away, try not to panic, just keep calm, it is better for the patient if you are calm”43

Four44

The ambulance crew arrived, taking my father our on a stretcher.45

The damn woman wouldn't even let me near him until they had loaded the truck. And had it not been for the kind officer who worked alongside her, I doubt I would have even been able to ride with him to the hospital at all.46

That ride to the hospital still caused me nightmares this very day.47

They had strapped him up with cords and pumped him with medication they said was to keep him breathing, all the while he was turning whiter, his face almost lie that of snow. All I could think about what loosing him, and hat would happen after I did.48

How could he have been so stupid? So careless?49

He never thought it would get this bad, I was sure of that, but it had got bad and I had no-one, no one to support me, and I had to be strong.50

I had to be strong for myself and for my Father, for I was doing to work of myself and my Mother. Like I had always done. For as long as I can remember.51

Where was she now? What slutty things was she doing ? How much money was she making ? How come she never brought it home to us? Never ever did we see a cent from that self loving whore.52

Now in the time of my Fathers greatest time of need, I was alone, I was so alone.53

We arrived at the hospital and they took him in, running him through to emergency.54

The nurse made my sit outside in the waiting room, as she did not think it was the best idea to have me in the room while they were trying to save his life. I did not see the point really, I had seen far worser things than tubes being shoved down my Fathers throat while they attempted to pump his stomach from the toxins instilled inside of him.55

Though there was no bickering or arguing over the matter. I did as I always did and did what I was asked to do. To sit there, quietly waiting, impatiently awaiting the good and bad news of my Fathers tragic overdose.56

After what seemed like a good four hours the Doctors came walking out with solemn looks cast upon their faces. On a stretcher they carried my father down the hall and into a room just by the emergency doors.57

An older looking Doctor with white grainy hair, stepped closer towards me, he was the bearer of bad news, I could tell. But I had faith, I had to have faith that my Father was till alive and in the end it was that fate that got me though those awful words, that would be my truth.58

“Karen, I have some bad news about your father.”59

I was ready, I was more than prepared to hear the worst. He had done this to himself and he had done this to me, but I would not kid myself into believing that I had anything to do the with the cause, I would just have to take the news and deal with it, and that is what I did, I did exactly that.60

I did it the best way I could, with dignity and love for my father, despite everything that was boiling up inside of me, despite that fact that I was at breaking point.61

“Your Father has gone into a self induced coma, we did the best we could to revive him, but he was barely able to breath by himself, we had no choice but to put him on life support, if you like you can go and see him now.”62

Standing up, my body almost sunk and my knees almost gave way, but I stayed strong.63

I thanked the Doctor for all she had done before making my way to my Fathers room. I wondered somehow If I would ever see those haunting eyes again.64