One Foot In The Grave - Part Three

The guards hands pulled me out of t he room and into isolation. I thrashed and screamed the entire time, until t hey had to get two other guards to grab my legs and pull them up. All at once, they swung me into the room and I landed on the floor just a few feet short of the bed. My brain was completely short-circuiting, just as it had been the day…1

My body jolted up and I lunged at the door, only to have it close in my face. Screaming with rage, I slammed my body against it, feeling the harsh metal of the door bruising my skin, even though there was no pain. I grasped the mattress on the bed, the only other thing in the room beside myself, and ripped it off. 2

Adrenaline is a beautiful thing.3

With another scream, I threw myself at the wall, pummeling it with my fists. I beat against it as hard as I could, feeling the bones in my hand shattering and just not caring. Blood ran down my face from the impact of Conor’s punch, and even more blood stained the wall. The skin on my knuckles split open and I kicked at the door, throwing my entire foot at it, putting all of my weight behind the force of the blows, now only letting out small grunts of effort and gasps for breath.4

Something ugly inside of me, that had been waiting all this time, growing larger and larger the longer I was stuck inside that building, was breaking loose. Hopping onto the now naked bedspring, I jumped onto it, forcing all of my weight into my knees. I leapt up and down, hammering the bedspring with my body weight until it snapped underneath me. I tripped and went sprawling onto the floor.5

Still running on adrenaline, the chemical coursing through my legs and arms feverishly, I charged the wall again. I wanted to destroy. I wanted to kick down the door and run out of the room, snapping necks and just beating everyone in my reach into nothing. I wanted to wash the pulp of skin and blood off of my knuckles and walk out of that building, hitchhike home, and put another three bullets in my father’s chest. I wanted to destroy everything that had ever caused me pain from infancy to today.6

And when that pure, white-hot anger had crashed, I slumped against the ground, no longer able to hold myself up. Every nerve ending in my body was immediately struck with such agony, that I fell back, curling up on the floor. I cradled my shattered hand to my chest, tears streaming soundlessly down my cheeks, forcing their way through my tightly closed eyelids. Every once in a while, a sob would pry its way from my chest and echo around the walls. I banged my head on the floor in an attempt to distract myself from the searing pain in my hand and shoulders and face.7

Somehow, I must have fallen asleep, because a pair of arms had lifted me up and started carrying me out. At first, I flailed in an attempt at freedom, but my hand struck their shoulder and I let out a loud yelp, swearing loudly into the still busy hallway. I could feel everyone watching me as the guard carried me into the infirmary.8

”She really did herself in,” He sighed to the doctor looking me over. 9

The sting of a needle going into my arm made me cringe, but soon, my veins were filled with a kind of cold sensation that spread throughout my body, numbing each limb or section as it passed through my blood stream. The doctor took my hand gingerly looking it over and sighed, mumbling something about sedation and stitches. Another needle pricked my skin, and small, black dots swarmed in front of my vision. A warm sensation began following the cold, making my whole body become lax and pliable.10

”Do my eyelids look sleepy?” I remember mumbling as I was eased back onto the cot. “They feel sleepy…”11

”Tegan, “ The nurse who had suddenly appeared beside me said quietly. Her face was blurry and her hand was on my good arm. It was warm, almost too hot, but at the same time, it felt nice. “Tegan, I need you to just relax and close your eyes for me okay?”12

I tried to fight through the warmth in my bones, to stay awake and alert. I didn’t like this. I wanted to stay awake…13

The colored stripes on the wall started to come out at me and I reached out to touch them with my crippled and bloody hand. The warm hand wrapped around my wrist and placed it back down. 14

“Tegan, close your eyes.” She said it more firmly this time.15

Finally, just because I was too tired to fight anymore, I closed my eyes and faded into the warmth of the drug they had given me. When I woke up, the skin over my cheek bone felt tight and tingly, like it had fallen asleep, and so did my left hand. My eyes stung and I squeezed them shut tightly for a moment before opening them again. Every inch of my body felt fatigued and sick, almost hung over. But there was no headache, only that heavy feeling of having slept way too hard.16

“Where the f…” I broke off, having reached a hand up to rub my eyes only to feel the tight jerk of something holding my hands down. When I looked to see what was keeping me from moving, I saw the restraints around my wrists and ankles, and the cast around my hand. Swearing under my breath, I tried to yank my hands free, feeling panic settling in, tight around my chest.17

One of the nurses in the infirmary walked over and sighed, “Look who’s finally awake.”18

My head shot up and I glared at her, “Get these fucking things off of me!”19

The nurse stared at me reproachfully, “Tegan, I can’t do that. Both Deanna Brewer and your individual therapist said that you should stay restrained until you can prove yourself able to control your temper.”20

My nostrils flared in outrage. “You’ve gotta be fucking KIDDING me!” I screamed, feeling my neck heating up in anger. “This is ludicrous! Do you honestly think that I can do ANYTHING with a broken hand?! How stupid can you be?!”21

“Ms. Brewer is waiting for you outside.”22

I almost couldn’t hold back the groan that had threatened to spill through my lips. It’s not like I could tell her not to let her in. The bitch was probably waiting right outside the infirmary door for the nurse to walk out and give her the go ahead. My head fell back against the pillow and the nurse walked off to get Deanna. She walked in, her body stiff, lips pale with anger, and sat down next to the bed. 23

Feeling my hatred swell up once more, I just sat there and scowled at her, gritting my teeth. 24

“That was a pretty interesting show yesterday.” She said, feigning light-heartedness, as she got comfortable. “You surprised us all.”25

“I’m full of ‘em.” I snarled, clenching my good hand into a fist, feeling my fingernails digging into the skin deeply.26

“You did quite a sufficient amount of damage to your isolation room also. It took three hours to straighten it up and clean all of the blood off of the walls and floors.”27

“Is this the part where I’m supposed to apologize and say I’ll never do it again?”28

“Only if you mean it.” I didn’t say anything, so she took this as an invitation to go on. “This hasn’t happened for quite some time.” She said quietly, raising her eyebrows at me and crossing her legs. “And the last time wasn’t nearly as bad as this one. Anything been going on that you’d want to talk to me about?”29

I gritted my teeth, making my voice come out low and harsh when I spoke. “I don’t come to you for individual, I don’t tell you anything in group, what makes you think I’ll start talking to you now?”30

Deanna shook her head, “That’s not true at all. You made quite a breakthrough yesterday in group.”31

I snorted, “When? When I said that I hate you, or when I wound up getting pried off of Conor and thrown in isolation? ‘Cause, to be honest, neither of those were ‘breakthroughs’. They were things I’ve wanted to do since I got here.”32

Deanna’s face collapsed into a frown. She recovered quickly. “I know you’re angry-“33

“You think?”34

“Let me finish.” I rolled my eyes and stared at her expectantly. “I know you’re angry.” She repeated. “And I know that you hate being here, and that you just want to be left alone. But Tegan, you won’t get out of here any faster by just going with the motions. In fact, even when you DO get out, if you keep up this behavior, you’ll just wind up in prison.”35

“I don’t care.” I whispered softly, now glaring up at the ceiling. 36

“You say that now,” She told me, leaning forward. “But if you think what goes on here is bad, you’ll be in for quite a surprise if when you step through the doors of the next level.”37

Once again, I ground my teeth together. I felt the sting of tears welling up in my eyes, and to prevent them from spilling over, I clamped the lids down tightly. Panic rose in my chest every time I moved my hand or legs and felt those restraints. They were too confining. I couldn’t be trapped to the bed like this. I didn’t like it. I wanted out. “Get the restraints off of me.”38

“I can’t do that.”39

Help me…40

“Get them off.” 41

“It’s not up to me, Tegan. It’s up to you.”42

I can’t do this… no control… help me…43

“Get the restraints off.” I snarled, feeling that ugly monster inside of me getting ready again.44

“You have to calm down fir-“45

“GET THE FUCKING RESTRAINTS OFF OF ME, YOU STUPID BITCH!” I roared, feeling my panic reaching its peak. I kicked out, praying to tear them or something. I wanted to get out of the bed… it wasn’t safe here. I just wanted to go back to my room and rest, that’s all that I needed. Maybe to talk to Maegan, explain to her what happed the day before; just not Brewer…46

Two male orderlies came over and held me still while one of the nurses readied the syringe. I didn’t want to sleep anymore, but they must have believed that I needed it. When the needle pricked my skin, I felt all of my muscles falling loose again. Everything was immediately blurry and with my good hand, I caught the hem of Deanna’s shirt as she stood up to walk away. I felt her tense up at first, but my grip wasn’t that great, she could have easily gotten away if need be.47

“Help me…” I whispered hazily, fighting off that horrible blackness that inevitably invaded my vision.48