What I Never Said Alloud

October 11, 2007
Mom and Dad,1

I know you’re not feeling the best right now. I’m not either. Want to change that though. Obviously I’ve been keeping that from you: the fact that I used to cut myself. There are other words that can be used for it: emo, self injury, self-harm (SH) self-inflicted violence (SIV) or self-injurious behavior, and other terms that I really don’t know. I can’t really find where to start. For one thing, I’m telling you this right now, I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to be put through this again. I’m also sorry that I have to put you through this, and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about it earlier. I wanted to, I really did… I was just too afraid to because of the reactions I get from it. I don’t like what I’ve done. I don’t feel any accomplishment for it. I feel like I really disappointed you, and really let you down. I hate the fact that I brought this upon myself.
The main reasons I did it was because I was feeling overwhelmed by the things I was feeling. I was unable to cope with it...and afraid to express it outwardly. I needed support, from people I thought cared. I felt so alone, even in a crowd. I hated myself. Everything about me I thought was ugly, and messed up. Please don’t think I wanted attention out of all this. I know I felt alone, but do you think this is the attention that I would have wanted? No. I didn’t want to get too involved with people, because they could hardly handle themselves too. That’s when it all started. It wasn’t a continuous thing. I only did every few months, because I’d keep it bottled up inside, and just waited for something to happen, to make it explode. I wasn’t strong enough for myself. And no one really liked me enough to care. This year it’s different January it happened again, because …well you already know that situation. It made me extremely mad. This year is different. For the first few days of school everything was fine. Everyone loved each other. The 3rd day of school people tried to start drama and fights with me. I didn’t take any action and eventually let it roll off my shoulders.
However though, once again I kept my problems to myself. I didn’t trust anyone, because my friends were dropping like flies. The only people I had were Jeremy, Hannah, Daniel and Delisia. They have been my best friends for a while, and they try to be there whenever they can. But I really didn’t like the fact that you want me to basically, “cut the ties” between me and Jeremy. I know I shouldn’t be crazy over a boy right now. But none of this is his fault. He was really the only one besides Hannah that knew this was going on. SO many times last year I wanted to give up on myself, I felt as if I was nothing but a failure to you, and a disappointment. I hated that feeling, and Jeremy was the only one who made it go away … even if it was just for one school day. He kept me happy; he encouraged me to stay strong. When you told me that you didn’t wasn’t me around him I understood why. The only thing was it was too hard for me to deal with. But anyways, I felt like the only thing that made my life just seemingly better was stripped away from me. And it really hurt. He helped me for so long. And you never gave me really the chance to prove that you can trust me with him. I need him, like you need air. I wasn’t dependent of his attention, just his support, his care, and his advice he had to offer me. Hannah is just as emotional about this whole thing as I am. When I saw her cry I realized that people care, and I didn’t want to hurt my only friends by hurting myself therefore, I knew I needed to stop. And I am going to.
Recently I have been doing some extra research on this subject and how to stop it. That’s why I have been drawling so many x’s on my papers, it takes my mind off of my emotions. I know you’ll probably never trust me again, and I know you’ll look at me from a different point. But I want you to forgive me. I need to make sure everyone’s happy. I am a people pleaser. I make sure everyone important is happier, before I cheer myself up. I need to make things right again.
After this entire happened, people started coming forward, and telling me their past experiences with this. I guess I had more friends then I thought I did. That’s why I kept asking to go over my friend’s house, to be somewhere new, and to have fun without having to worry.
The only problem is this. I know I probably just shot everyone’s trust. I know it doesn’t help me at all. I just need a second chance. Don’t pull me out of school. I’m starting to get the feeling that I am wanted there. I don’t want to leave now. I finally have my head in the game. I don’t want to delay my future, over something that can be treated or changed. That is the only place I feel that I can see my friends and be happy for a while. I know I need help. I need a second chance. I need my friends, just as much as I need your support right now. I want to move on. 2


Forever & Always,
Truly Yours,
Micayla3

"The Shake (Awful Feeling)": My American Heart
( the lyrics tie in)