Your Heart When I Never Asked For It

The bell rang. School was over. A wind blew by. I looked over my VW, waiting for her. She came. I lifted my head, hoping she would walk in my direction. But I knew that she would never.1

Knowing Trinity, she would never look in my direction. She would never let me touch her again or kiss her again or make love with her again. Watching was the only thing I can do. 2

Trinity walked in the direction of her boyfriend, Jared, whose car was parked in the driveway where everybody can see. His car was blaring so loud with Jimmy Eat World. He was always there in that driveway every weekday.3

Jared came from a different high school. He was leaning against his car and arms crossed. I guess he was waiting for her. When he saw her, he started throwing his body in a complete, berserk fit. Then she did the same after gliding to him. They clamped each other's hands in the air and jammed their heads to Jimmy Eat World.4

Everybody who walked by had paused for a second to glance at them and their body movement that was unbelievably beyond normal energy. Their faces showed their awe in their movement because their body seemed entirely synchronized with the beautiful racket that the guy's car was making.5

I watched them rocked themselves 'till they were done. Then my heart wretched at the sight of them kissing each other. Her lips were locked with this guy. Why him? Why not me?6

+++++++++++++++++++++++++7

"Rini..." I called to her. She looked over her shoulders, turning around to face me as I caught up to her. Her friends were leaving to class before bell.8

"What, Jake?" She said. Her face was blank. Her hand was holding her elbow, groping it slowly and long.9

"I need a moment with you." My voiced jumbled. I swallowed. "Why did you break up with me?"10

She sucked a breath. Then slowly exhaled. "Jake, I..."-her eyes avoided looking in my face-"just don't feel it."11

"You don't?"12

"I don't." She finally looked at me, with a determined look. "Jake, you have been asking me questions too many times. I don't love you anymore."13

"Did you leave me because of Jared?" I spitted at the name I abhorred so much, as much my feeling sank.14

"No. That was after we broke up."15

A pause suspended.16

Before I knew what I was saying, I said, "Come back to me."17

Her eyes was shocked, but after a blink, it came back just as blank. "No, Jake." She said strongly. "If I came back to you, have you ever thought I would fall out of love again?"18

"What do you want me to do? Tell me." My voice was at an edge.19

"There's nothing to say! It's just me. I don't want to be with you." She lifted her fist to her heart. "My heart don't beat for you."20

Suddenly I felt so angry with her. All that repressed anger inside went out. I screamed, "You are such a bitch! You don't really care about how I feel! What I feel for you! My heart hurts! Damn it, Rini!" My voice seemed to echo in my ears. 21

She was speechless that I screamed. Of course, she was. I never screamed at her before. That, I am shocked as well. Her mouth was terse, but her entire complexion had changed. She was upset with me.22

Although I shouldn't have screamed, but I don't feel like a sorry ass.23

Trinity said, "Jake... You asked me out. Remember that night. We both wanted to know each other. From the first place, I was looking for fun. And you were looking for love. We went out. We had a lot of fun. It had been great... But I fell out of love." She shrugged. "I always fall out of love. Look at me. I dated a lot of guys. And none of them worked." She sighed, looking at me with her wise eyes. "You made one mistake with me, Jake. And that mistake is giving your heart."24

I was just staring at her. My head was trying to get her words in my head as I was resisting her words.25

"You gave me your heart when I never asked for it." She paused, her eyes thoughtful with words for me to hear next.26

I couldn't take it. Trinity saw what I was going to do. She said something, but I didn't hear her. I ran...I ran.27

+++++++++++++++++++++++++28

They have been kissing for a good five minute. I tried to breathe, making a new pattern in my lungs. Each breath seemed dead to me.29

These past months I had been crazy, trying to figure out what was it that made her want to leave me. My thoughts were always about me. And I had finally came to realize from that very last contact with Trinity that there's nothing wrong with me.30

Trinity... She's like a free person, like a wild bird. She will always fly away from anything that tries to imprison her. If I had her in my hand, she would die. It's just who Trinity is.31