Prologue: Searching for an Answer

His evil had spread throughout the continent of Farlonia. He was pleased, yes, very pleased at the work he had accomplished. He relaxed comfortably on his throne. The magnificent throne was carved out of onyx, as black as a moonless night, and trimmed with a golden border. The arms of his throne were inlaid with two skulls, a large ruby set in each of the skulls eye sockets. 1

His throne room was no less magnificent. The floor was also of polished onyx, shining from the dim glow of few torches that lit the room. At first glance, the torches would seem normal, but upon closer inspection, one would find out that the flame was lit inside of a skull, the top of which had been sliced off so the flame could freely shine. A long red rug ran from the foot of the throne to great, dark, polished, mahogany doors at the front of the room. 2

At his feet lay a monstrous dog, which he affectionately referred to as Reaper, which seemed to blend in to with the dark polished floor and the black throne. The dog was only noticeable when the smallest amount of light hit its eyes, which gleamed like two yellow orbs. He stroked the dog's head contentedly, which had been his only true and loyal companion since he had been a street urchin in the desert city of Shalondrin in the deep south of the continent. 3

There was one question that puzzled him though: What should he conquer next? There were so many to choose from: Should it be the elves that dwell in the lush green forests of the Forgotten Woods to the west? Or maybe it should be the dwarves that dwell inside their rich and magnificent homes in the Kelfradrim Mountains to the east. Or perhaps one of the few “free” human settlements that have been giving him so much trouble lately such as the beautiful city of Salador. Decisions, decisions… 4

Suddenly, there is a knock on the throne room’s giant, mahogany door. Reaper began to growl its low, deep growl, the growl of an animal that was not afraid to kill. 5

“Easy my friend,” he whispered. In a loud, cold, hard voice, he said, “Enter.”6

Breathlessly, the man pushed through the giant mahogany doors. “My… lord,” he began, before being interrupted. 7

“This had better be important, Bors, you remember what happened the last time you interrupted my private thoughts…” he let his gaze drift down to Bors’ three-fingered hand as Reaper issued another low growl.8

“M-m-my l-l-lord,” Bors stammered, knowing all too well what his master’s ferocious dog would do to him, “Salador has sent an emissary on behalf of the offer that you sent to them.”9

“And what does their emissary say, Bors.”10

Bors gulped. “The emissary says that Salador will never bow to you my lord. They said they would die fighting before they ever bow down to you.”11

He sat there on his throne digesting this information. He knew that Salador would not agree to the treaty due to the valor of famous Knights of the White Bear. But it did not matter; Salador would bow to him, whether they did peacefully, or by force. He preferred force.12

“Send the emissary in,” he stated.13

“But my lord,” Bors began.14

“Send the emissary in, or you shall find yourself short another finger,” he stated in one of the calmest, coldest voice that Bors had ever heard his master speak.15

“Y-y-yes, my lord.”16

Bors left the throne room with great haste. Reaper looked at his master, who in turn nodded to him. Reaper got up and stalked silently to the side to where he was no longer visible.17

Bors entered a short while later, leading the emissary from Salador in with a chain around his neck. His guards had seemed to have a little fun with the emissary, who had both of his eyes blackened, and multiple cuts on his face. The emissary’s clothes were torn and shredded in multiple places, showing even more cuts and bruises. His golden-brown hair was matted down with blood and sweat. He noticed a magnificent scabbard that was attached on his belt, though the sword that had once hung there was gone, probably taken by one of his guards as a keepsake. He would have to track that guard down and punish him for taking what was probably a magnificent sword. He liked attractive things…18

But despite all of the bruises, cuts, and wounds on this emissary, he could sense the air of dignity that still surrounded this man. The emissary’s piercing green eyes seemed to be sizing him up. They seemed to notice everything about the black, polished armor that was trimmed with gold, seeming to try and find some kind of weak point. They lingered on the great jeweled, vicious looking, two-headed battleaxe that was strapped to his back that he affectionately called the Widow Maker. 19

He and the emissary locked eyes for a long while, each continuously sizing the other up. Finally, he spoke. “Bors, leave us.”20

“But,” Bors began.21

As quick as flash of lighting, he held Bors by the throat, hoisting him several feet off of the ground. In Bors ear, he whispered menacingly, “I grow tired of this little game Bors.” His grip began to tighten on Bors’ throat. “Yes, very tired.” The grip tightened some more. Bors was gasping for air now. “Do you understand me?” Bors tried to nod. “I said do you understand me.” Bors’ eyes were beginning to bulge from the lack of oxygen, but he mustered all of the strength he could and nodded forcefully. He threw Bors across the room to the doors, who scrambled up and ran from the room. 22

He calmly turned to the emissary, who had not blinked during the entire episode. He walked to the throne, and sat down. The emissary continued to watch his every move. 23

“Salador will not come peacefully then?”24

“No,” the emissary replied flatly, still staring at him. 25

He sighed. “I had hoped that Salador would come peacefully.” An evil glint flashed across his cold, grey eyes. “Such a beautiful city, I would hate to see it destroyed and such talented warriors slain.”26

Anger flashed across the emissary’s eyes. “How do you know that Salador will fall to you? Our warriors will fight until the very last breath! They are some of the best in all of Farlonia.”27

He laughed. “You may have some of the best warriors in all of Farlonia, but I have the rest of them. Another reason to surrender peacefully. I would have use for warriors as talented as Salador’s.”28

Anger had passed the emissary. Now all that shone in his eyes was that of pure hatred. In a raspy voice broken by the hatred he felt, he said, “Again, I reiterate to you, the brave and valorous Knights of the White Bear will never fight for the likes of you, you scum!”29

Cold anger flashed across his eyes. “You apparently do not understand your situation, do you?”30

He snapped his fingers and the torches flared. The emissary’s eyes widened in horror at what was hanging on the walls. On the walls were the corpses of other emissaries from other cities and provinces around Farlonia. Elves, Dwarves, Humans, Halflings, and even several centaurs hung from the walls around the room. All of them were emissaries that had brought him the news that their cities and provinces would not join his hordes.31

Without being noticed, he slipped from his throne and whispered in the emissary’s ear, “Do you wish to join them on my wall?” The emissary felt the point of a dagger against his spine. The emissary closed his eyes… Did he? Did he wish to join the rest of the emissaries on the wall, as a warning to show future emissaries the penalty for not joining him? The emissary felt himself shaking with fear, and then he heard the low growl, and noticed for the first time, the gigantic three-headed dog, six yellow orbs staring at him, slowly approaching.32

“One statement is all you need say: Yes, Salador will join you, o Master of Darkness, or…” he let his voice drift off, knowing that the emissary knew quite well the other choice.33

The emissary was frightened. He had never been more frightened in his life. Should he desert his city, his beautiful Salador, and save his own life? Or should he keep his word to his king and tell him that Salador will never help him, therefore sacrificing himself. He knew what he had to do…34

The emissary jerked quickly to the left, pulling a concealed dagger from his boot as quick as lightning, and faced him. Reaper’s growl deepened.35

“You have made your decision then.” He snapped his fingers and the floor collapsed underneath the emissary. The emissary fell with a scream that ended with the sickening sound of flesh being skewered on large spikes that were at the bottom of the pit. He looked into the pit and shook his head. The emissary was skewered all the way through in his chest and in one of his legs. His head was set in an awkward angle, his tongue lolling out of his mouth. “Pity, I really liked Salador…”36

He had his answer then. He knew that Salador would be his next victim. This had been a productive meeting after all. He whistled, and Reaper came padding over to him, all three heads panting happily at the emissary being murdered. He smiled at Reaper, the only living creature in the world that he would smile kindly to. “Come,” he said, “let’s find the person who took our friend’s sword.”37

With that, he left the throne room, the mahogany doors reverberating as he closed them, Reaper following closely behind him. In the pit, the sound of clicking pincers sounded as a giant scorpion began its evening meal.38

Author notes

Snuggly Bear

A contest entry

Does this prologue make you want to read the rest?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • Leif
    September 26, 2008

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    Very descriptive, as many other stories on StoryWrite. A very good story, but personally I got bored a bit while reading it. I have no clue why. But I noticed few mistakes, although, I apologize if their aren't any.

    Good luck in my contest! :3


  • wolfcub
    June 15, 2008

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    "one would find out that the flame was lit inside of a skull, the top of which had been sliced off so the flame could freely shine." This sounds a bit wordy.

    "Reaper, which seemed " because you just used 'which', maybe "since it seemed" would fit better here.

    "Suddenly, there is a knock" Stay in the past tense unless you have a whole descriptive section in the present. I hate changing tenses - it should only be used in the most EXTREME cirsumstances! You probably didn't notice.

    "Reaper got up and stalked silently to the side to where he was no longer visible." I think I know what you're trying to say but this sentence isn't really very clear.

    OK, I couldn't find many bits I didn't like in here, but there's something really familiar about the names, which I can't place. Some of your sentence structure is a bit shoddy, with 'which's and 'who's where you can't really see what they refer to, but other than that grammar was OK. I can't find any spelling mistakes (other than yours are American and I'm used to English!).
    Some of the speech here sounds a little basic, and the descriptions of characters could be a bit better. I was struggling to see this in my head. A few edits here and there could make the world of difference to this piece, but you've already got a pretty good thing started.
    The flow was generally very good and I didn't have much trouble understanding anything. Overall, a pretty good job!

    Katie


  • DoozerDan silver member
    June 7, 2008

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    Well written indeed!

    This was very well told, though I have to agree with previous comments on: It seems a little... well, not cliché, but not exactly -new-. If you see what I mean.

    Might I be so bold as to point out a few things which (in my personal opinion, which is exactly that, mine) didn't quite feel right to me.

    Paragraph 4: "What should he conquer next? There were so many to choose from" Might I suggest for that, using "who" or"where" should he conquer next. What sounds like he's thinking about what sort of chair to conquer next, not a race of people, or place. And again: "Should it be the elves that dwell in the lush green forests..." Maybe you might want "who" instead of "that" seeing as your talking about people, not objects.

    And the same in Paragraph 5: "Reaper began to growl its low..." "his" instead of "its."

    I think that was all. good work, my friend.


  • scriptor
    June 3, 2008
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    that was a great start, i look forward to reading the first chapter


  • Missi
    June 2, 2008
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    I could really picture this into my head but I got bored around 3 times while I was reading, it might be because I'm not used to reading something so long.
    This was good but like Nagamasa said it was a bit cliche aswell.
    Thanks for entering my contest
    Good luck

    Missi


  • Nagamasa
    April 11, 2008

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    Hmm I can see the images that you have placed in this story. The cruelty and evilness wewt! add a nice touch to the story. It is indeed been a pleasure reading this...and it reminds me of...some certain character that is evil as well haha

    Hm but sadly yes as said by the rest its a little cliche. It seems like such evil people have become cliche hm...maybe you could try another approach to how evil he is...a twist will also help

    Overall a very promising piece of work I would like to read the next part to this. thanks for participating in the contest and good luck


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 5, 2008

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    This is a good solid fantasy piece. You obviously have the creativity to create an entire world and an evil sorcerer king type guy, and even a Cerebus-inspired watchdog (love him, by the way...nice doggy... ). You play up the conflict, and introduce us to the world very well with this prologue. At the same time, and I don't mean for this to sound discouraging in any way...it all seems a bit like something I've read before. I don't know if I would go so far as calling it cliche, but it certainly isn't "outside of the box." Which surprises me, because you obviously have enough creativity! *shrugs* Maybe later chapters start going in new directions, I don't know. For what it's worth, though, this is very well-written and it's obvious that you are a gifted writer. Start reachin beyond your grasp and you'll be unstoppable!


  • Dragonaris
    March 31, 2008

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    I've said it before and this time i'm saying it as your judge.... I LOVE THIS STORY!! Especially the next chapters. Keep up the good work!


  • Ssmm silver member
    March 31, 2008

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    okay, my first impression of what must be the arch villain is that he's slightly too conventional, too cliche (no offense). to be blunt (there is positive feedback coming) the line "there was one question that puzzled him though: What should he conquer next?" made me want to stop reading this story. however, the dog is keeping me interested...
    (i love the giant dog bit, it's a nice touch that hasn't been used much. dogs are often underestimated as combat animals in traditional warfare)

    *reading*

    ("forgotten woods" seems a little too...idunno... bland?)

    between the fourth and fifth paragraph, it seems to change tenses, from past tense to present tense, which is kind of akward to read at first.

    *reading more*

    ooh, i hate to be overly negative, but he chopped his fingers off for interrupting? eh...

    *reading even more*

    a note: your traditional one-handed strangle hold isn't actually designed to cut off airflow, though it can be used that way. when combined with the forces of lifting with this hold, bors' biggest problem wouldn't be asphyxia, at least not in the traditional sense. the hold would compress the carotid arteries, depriving his brain of blood, and thus oxygen. it would only take about 30-45 seconds for bors' to black out, then suffer brain damage, leading to death in about a minute-fifteen, long before he'd have to worry about not being able to breathe.

    *reading some more*

    okay, in the first part, when you talk about the dog, you say he only has two eyes, and that the bad guy pats "THE head" leading to the conclusion that he only has one head, yet now he has three?


    try to think of another way of saying fast. you use "quick as lightning." try to think up your own metaphors, like "quicker than the crack of ice" (cut me some slack, these are on the spot) or "fast as a thought"


    oooh, BAD BAD BAD!! every evil warlord always has a giant, flesh eating animal to clean out his death pit. COME ON BREAK THE MOLD ALREADY!!! and besides, if he's obsessed with torturing his victims, how much better to leave the corpses, it would force the victims to cannabilize in order to stay alive a little longer. not a pretty picture, but undoubtedly one that a genuinely evil tyrant would have given thought to. one last negative before i launch into positivity:
    the greatest villain of all time (obviously, lucifer (or satan, or the devil, Baal, whatever you want to call him)) is a master of deception. it says that satan appears as an angel of light. take a hint from him. your villain is seriously, majorly, on a grand scale, lacking in the sublety department. if he wanted a chamber from which to entertain adversaries, how much better a bright, aiery room. one that suggests to the soon-to-be enslaved that this guys not as bad as he seems. i mean, no-ones going to agree to anything in a room full of corpses with a three headed dog except that they wish they'd brought a bigger stick. *SCREAMS* SUBTLETY!!!!!!

    anyways, the good stuff:

    your description is spot-on. you flawlessly slip in details with a great deal of sublety (try to apply this to your villains). you never said the dog WAS black, just that it blended in with the floor, which was black. nice.

    your names are, in general, good solid classical fantasy style. farlonia is certainly a good world name, salador sounds distinctly human.

    good job on diving into the emmisary's thoughts, i like the consideration he gives to the corpses.

    if you want my honest advice, cut yourself off from most of your average entertainment. no more tolkien or whatever you've been reading, no go easy on the video games, whatever you're mentally ingesting is seriously tainting your creativity. quit trying to fit the catagory, you aren't ever going to be able to write something exactly like what you enjoy, so just focus on writing for yourself.

    hope i was a little bit helpful.

    (btw, great job on the length. definitely an A for effort.)


    • Zombieseatpie silver member
      April 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Long...comment...
      -eyetwitch-
      o.o'


    • DylanBranson
      March 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the feedback. That's what im here for: to improve what i have already. I'll definetly take ur suggestions into consideration and thanks again for the feedback.


  • Oddities
    March 31, 2008
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    its not bad

    its just nothing i havent seen before.

    elves, dwarves and humans combine to defeat the evil warlord /wizard / dragon i seen a hundred times, and so far its 100-0 to the forces of good.

    what is it that makes this story different from all the rest?

    also, does the guy even have a name? Most of the sentances start with "he"


    • DylanBranson
      March 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      The guy does have a name, you just don't find out until later. As for why it's different, you'll just have to read on to find out. Keep in mind, I'm not close to finishing it yet.


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    March 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Constructive Criticism

    As quick as flash of lighting, he held Bors by the throat, hoisting him several feet off of the ground. In Bors ear, he whispered menacingly, “I grow tired of this little game Bors.” His grip began to tighten on Bors’ throat. “Yes, very tired.” The grip tightened some more. Bors was gasping for air now. “Do you understand me?” Bors tried to nod. “I said do you understand me.” Bors’ eyes were beginning to bulge from the lack of oxygen, but he mustered all of the strength he could and nodded forcefully. He threw Bors across the room to the doors, who scrambled up and ran from the room. 22<>

    I don’t know but that last sentence throws me off a bit because I’m unsure if you’re referring to the ‘Bors’ or what scrambled up. Maybe if you tried to say: “Which scrambled………”

    ------------------------------

    <>He laughed. “You may have some of the best warriors in all of Farlonia, but I have the rest of them. Another reason to surrender peacefully. I would have use for warriors as talented as Salador’s.”28<>

    If you were to insert a comma instead of the period therefore combining the last two sentences, the first wouldn’t sound so fragmented.

    -------------------------------------

    <>He had his answer then. He knew that Salador would be his next victim. This had been a productive meeting after all. He whistled, and Reaper came padding over to him, all three heads panting happily at the emissary being murdered. He smiled at Reaper, the only living creature in the world that he would smile kindly to. “Come,” he said, “let’s find the person who took our friend’s sword.”37<>

    Again, the verb confusion really throws me a bit. In the fourth beginning sentence, you could possibly say ‘had come’ after Reaper and still get that image across


  • ForestFaery
    March 28, 2008
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    very good.

    I love the prollouge! it's awesome! i can't wait to read the rest of the story!


  • Holey Pastry
    March 24, 2008

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    Yes!

    This is just the prologue?! It's amazing, I can't wait to see what else happens.

    You mentioned that the man used to be an urchin, interesting how he can go from that to a great threat to his other places...

    This was slightly chilling and a captivating read...I believe this one is something I absolutly have to read more of.

    Thanks for entering the contest! Good luck to you!

    H.P.


  • RegalTheft
    March 17, 2008
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    Interesting. You definetly showed the potential beginning of a great novel that I've been longing to see for quite a while now. I'm not much for fantasy and the like, but hey, this sure is promising! When do you plan on continuing this novel?

    --RT


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    March 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I liked your story because it was captivating and the characters were vibrant. You also had enough dialogue not to inundate the reader. You have strong characters so keep it up in your future stories with them. Also I didn't find your prologue to be too long as some confuse these with first chapters. Thank you for entering and good luck.


  • Kat222
    March 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was very good. paragraph 32 really needs to be rewritten. i't s repetitive. i'm a fan of fantasy so i could really visualize this scene. i need more for judgement though but good job!


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    February 13, 2008

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    Very Nicely Written! Good Inner Eye!

    You have a fine imagination. This genre isn't really my favorite reading...but you handle it quite well. I don't know exactly when this material took on the immense popularity is enjoys today...but I suspect it was JRR Tolkien...Dungeons & Dragons, and perhaps even some of the early fantasy films like Barbarella and Conan!
    There are a few suggestion I should like to offer you that I think, might improve your already very nice writing...let me message that to you privately. Ok?
    Meanwhile, this shows talent...and promise!
    Enjoyed it!
    GA


  • Friesian gold member
    February 11, 2008

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    oooo! O.o

    The descroptions, the descriptions! XD They really were marvelous! I could enviosion everything so perfectly! Great job!


  • Dragonaris
    February 10, 2008
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    Awesome story, if you didn't get my other comment. Keep up the good work!!!!!!!


  • Dragonaris
    February 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Dude, i think this story is SWEET. It will be a great boo


  • briannnnn
    February 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very well written story. I love it a lot. Your story is so unique and I'm happy I read it! I love how you can use big words, and usually I wouldn't understand what they meant but you made it very clear! I love this story! I'll be looking forward to more of it!

    Keep up the good work,
    -Brian.

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