Losses and Gains

“You alright, son?” utters a weary old priest in a coat and jacket.1

Sean raises his head from his hands. He sits on cold stone steps, but the chill was not felt for the heartbreak he just went through had a feeling that made him numb to his surroundings, and realizations of body temperature on that cold January would not have occurred. 2

“Yeah Father, It’s just that I’m a patriots fan and…” 3

“Say no more. That’s what I figured but I just wanted to make sure that you were alright.” 4

“Well thank you I appreciate it. I just needed to get away from the screaming Giants fans for a little bit. Do you when they’re going to get tired?” 5

“Well they don’t know how to win as much as you don’t know how to lose, so I’d give it about ten to fifteen more minutes.” 6

Sean breathes out sharply, the poor attempt at a laugh. “Alright, well I guess I’ll hide out here.” 7

“You’ll get them next year.” The priest turns back to his apartment, as Sean puts his head back in his head. He stared at the unwelcoming concrete on the ground. The murmur of celebrating giants fans in the background. He had no hate for them, only envy, for he would have been doing the same thing. He continues to stare at the sidewalk. Was he upset about the game? Or did his escape from campus have to do with the place he was in his life right now, and this upsetting game was only what ignited such feelings that have been repressed for so long. 8

He began to think it was the latter, when he hears a familiar voice. “Good game, huh?” Sean looks up with a smile coming through his saddened face. “I’ve seen better.” 9

She smiles back at Sean and tilts her head, allowing he hair to brush across her shoulder. “You think I can have a seat.” “Of course.” 10

Sean moves down the stone steps, giving her just enough room. His thoughts began to flow through his mind at an alarming rate. “Should I put my arm around her? She said she just wanted to be friends. But I mean an arm around someone is just a friendly gesture. Right? Oh Sean, would you just go through with it. It’s just a friendly thing. Why are you thinking about it this much. It’s not a big deal. She looks so beautiful tonight. SNAP OUT OF IT!!! She just wanted to be friends. She said that when sitting at this very spot a few months ago. But putting your arm around here is totally harmless.” His hand rises from the stone steps and a slowly trembling arm rises through the air and rests on her shoulder. Almost instinctively, her head rests upon his shoulder.11

He plays it cool but the spirit inside of him is doing back flips and celebrating a beautiful moment. If nothing else happened that night he would’ve been satisfied, just with her head on his shoulder. But like most of these situations, it never ends with just a head on a shoulder.12

Sean loved the silence, he was comfortable in silence right now, but he wanted to hear the sound of her voice, so he attempts to draw words from her lips. “It’s a beautiful night…” “Sean.” He was caught off guard. “Yeah.” “I can’t keep lying to you. I never meant what I said the last time, we were here.” Sean leans back from her, this was more important than the beauty of the night. Mary continues, “Sean, I really wanted to start something with you, but I didn’t know it then. I didn’t know what I wanted then. I was confused about myself and my life and I needed some time to think about everything. But now, I’m thinking clear and I want to be with you.” Sean is almost silent, staring back at her, when he cracks a smile. “You have no idea how long I have been waiting for you to say that.” He gently rested his forehead on hers, as he looked down on her and she looked up at him and their eyes for this wonderful moment. Mary smiles and grabs the back of his head and thoughts began to flood his mind and he stopped.13

“Mary.” She stops as well, with eyes of confusion and worry. “I can’t do this with you. And it’s not because you’re my best friend and it’s not because I can come to you with anything. But it’s because I truly feel that I can’t measure up to you. I know that I should have more confidence and I do. I can’t see myself being able to give anything back to you in this relationship. Mary, I love you, which is why this shouldn’t and can’t happen.” Before she can say anything, he gets up and walks away. The cold began to sting him again, but the warmth of relief and satisfaction kept him marching down the sidewalk.14

“You alright, son” utters a weary old priest in a coat and jacket.15

Sean raises his head from his hands, sitting alone on concrete steps, the musty cheers of Giants fans still hanging in the air. “Yeah, father…I’m just thinking about the way things are, the ways they could’ve been, and the way things would’ve been.” 16