The Fear To Leave It Behind

So I guess it hurts.1

Just a little.2

But I wouldn't know, I've never been taught to feel.3

That's how things turned out to be for me, I'll never change back to the person I was before.4

I've got some battle scars on me, Giving me the mental image of all that's been done.5

I no longer have my friends, They told me to leave long ago but I proclaimed my love, Used excuses.6

No one believed me and eventually, They gave up.7

So much for friends.8

I hate the way I can't stand up in the mornings, My legs weighing ten pounds. I look at myself in the mirror after he leaves for work and I cry.9

I see this face that shouldn't be there, One that belongs to a war victim. The dark circles under my eyes remind me of what happened last night. I can't stop the tears from coming as my daughter enters the bathroom. And I can't stop. I can't stop them for her, Or anyone because I know that inside, I shouldn't be here and I know that inside that she'll never have a future. She'll make the same mistake as me. She puts her arms around my legs and begs me to quit crying. 10

The hypervetilating comes eventually, but that's expected.11

Soon, They'll take her away from me.12

Because they know.13

And how many times do you think a mom can actually fall down the stairs? 14

She's not safe her, And I know that. I can only hope she never does what I've done.15

I've ruined everything. Everything.16

I think of it everynight, As I hear the car pulling up.17

This is the worst thing I've ever done, I think as I hear the footsteps that I've become so attuned to.18

The drunk stumblings of an angry, sad man.19

What happened to that beautiful, small town girl?20

The one who spent her time singing and riding horses?21

She's living in a trailer.22

She's crying everynight.23

What happened to that handsome, sweet small town boy?24

He's getting drunk everynight.25

Using his fists for words.26

But she's not putting up a fight as the punches come towards her once beautiful face.27

And still the tears spill, It's stupid but she won't leave.28

And she knows she should. 29

But the fact is, She'll just find another like him.30

Abusive and always drunk.31

As he falls to the bed, Having done his deed, She lets her head fall in her hands.32

This is all she has, And she doesn't have the courage to leave.33

To make a stnad.34

Everytime you fight the scars are gonna heal.35

But they're never gonna go away.36