There was once a bustling civilisation that trod these lands. Folk used to thrive on each others’ company; we used to trade, talk, and sing in merriment. There were no drum-beats of war and no ravishing poverty; there was only a raw freedom that each person bathed in day and night. We were a happy people, existing with relentless passion for life.1
It wasn’t man that decimated our paradise; it was the cruel hand of nature. One winter, the colds refused to depart us and thus our people were thrust into a white terror of snow and ice. The freezing grip of Lady Nature’s new, harsh form dragged our friends and family into the underworld one by one, but not before torturing them in their final hours. There was never any mercy; the colds destroyed everything we had created indiscriminately and we wilted like our frost-bitten crops. We became scattered and few, existing day by day knowing that the cruel icy fingers would soon tear at our bodies as they had done to everyone we had loved. We became accustomed to cold wind burning our faces and the rough feel of rock and bone. The folk of these lands were just callous shells waiting to perish and be swept away underneath the growing tides of snow. 2
But it was then that there was a glimmer of hope that shone through the darkening clouds. A tall, rugged man known to us only as Raghare gathered up our shivering and tired forms and took us to the mountainous north where we clambered into the freezing bowels of Lady Nature herself. Deep in the great valley of Vanire we built a settlement by which we would remain, the last defence of our people against the colds that gained strength as each year passed.3
The great stone walls of Edin kept the plagues of winter and the harsh northern winds at bay. The settlers worked for many years to build a self-sufficient civilisation within the great barricade. The people found animals and plants that could survive the bitter frosts and busied themselves breeding and growing them for food, warmth and materials. Within years Edin had become the last ground that man could sustain and survive on.4
One day the great Raghare stumbled wearily through the front gates of his kingdom after spending two days and two nights in the bitter hills and collapsed into the snow. The people tried to treat him, but his limbs were frost-bitten and a lung had been slashed open by a barbed blade. He would not speak of what he encountered; he only dipped a blackened finger in his gaping wound and drew a map in his own blood of the many surrounding valleys. He told the people that they should never leave the valleys around Vanire, and should they have to for survival; they should never ascend The Forbidden Peak for he that did would damn his family and friends to slaughter. Upon etching this command into the snow the great tireless Raghare finally succumbed to the darkness that he had defied for so long.5
This tale concerns the plight of a young man, generations from the time of Raghare, and how his courage and compassion for his kin would later define Humanity forever.6
***7
Snow pressed down from the grey heavens and swirled majestically towards the desolate valley floor. Slowly and tirelessly, Adim kicked his boots into the thick snow and punched his crudely constructed ice axe into the jagged rock and ice. The muscles in his arms and legs burned with the effort of dragging himself up the fearsome slope, but he persevered.8
Perseverance, he always thought, was the key to the survival of his kin. He craned his neck and glanced behind him while his freezing gloved fingers clung to a rock that stabbed out from underneath the ice. The chilling wind hit him in the face and, through squinting eyes, he saw the daunting drop that cascaded away eight-hundred strides beneath him. Luckily for him exploring was in his blood and therefore heights did not give him bother. The uncomfortable churning in his stomach was a natural feeling, he reasoned.9
He pressed on, feeling the slope gently level off beneath him. With the help of a brief pause in the onslaught of falling snow, Adim soon had a spectacular view of the neighbouring mountains stretching out behind him. The valley of Vanire was vast, but it was dwarfed by the white peaks around it that towered into the clouds. They were like great walls constructed by a god to protect the last people, running parallel to each other for as far as the eye could see. Like a pebble in a blanket of snow, the settlement of Edin sat quietly on the floor of the valley, a mostly frozen river trickling past it after weaving through the unforgiving mountainous terrain. Trees huddled together in patches that poked through the snow and crudely constructed fences looked like toothpicks separating tiny moving dots from withering crops.10
Adim turned and adjusted his leather pack on his back that kept his food, water and spare clothing. It was held together by a frayed grey rope that coiled loosely around his back. He wore a wolf-skin coat that dangled to his knees and threw a cowl over his head, casting a dark shadow over his face that only his nose escaped by catching the dim afternoon sun. His boots were of dark, hardened leather but had been scuffed and blistered from countless expeditions into the mountains. His trousers were lined with wool and had been patched several times to keep the cold from biting through the various rips and holes. His gloves were his most prized possessions, handed down by his father. The fluffy black bear fur still kept the frost-bite away even after all of these years of use.11
Before he knew it, Adim was clambering through an impossible labyrinth of razor-sharp rocks, using his ice axe as a stick to keep himself stable. It would have been easy for him to stray from his path and become a casualty if he had not have passed this rock formation a hundred times before. Adim was the third generation of a line of explorers; their only lot in life was to keep on scrambling through the mountains, discovering new places to aid Edin’s development. For Adim, that was merely justification for doing what he loved to do.12
As he emerged from the spiking black rocks, a mound of snow presented itself to him. A brief smile passed across his numb lips, and he picked his way towards it, finally clambering on hands and knees to the top.13
Standing up, Adim threw his arms out to embrace the sight that had appeared almost by magic. From the summit, the young man could see more valleys snaking like deep trenches across the barren landscape and different mountains that punched through the clouds. Miles of new and unexplored territory rolled out in front of his eyes as the thick grey cloud parted on a burst of frosty wind. From the second highest point in the valley of Vanire, Adim could almost see over the infamous black peaks that stood out like coal on a white sheet, shielding his view from even more wonders that must lie behind them. He glanced longingly to his left and saw the great towering bulk of The Forbidden Peak, the tallest mountain in Vanire and possibly even the North, a monstrosity of rock and ice that only the great legend of Raghare had possessed the skill and daring to ascend. Who knew what fresh amazement was to be seen from its highest point? The answer was nobody, and nobody ever would, Adim pondered solemnly. 14
Tales of magnificence about the great peak had passed through the generations. Some said the legend of Raghare encountered a God and fought long and hard in the clouds for two days and two nights before finally succumbing to its power. Others spoke of a hideous beast that dwelled inside the mountain waiting to feed. Some told legends of curses and dark magic that would taint all of Man if anyone was to ascend its terrifying rock-faces. It was even said that the mighty Raghare did not possess the bravery to climb the great mountain, and through shame condemned anyone from surpassing him and took his own life. Adim liked to have faith that the creator of Edin had reached the summit and had seen what lay beyond the Coal Peaks. He wished that he too could one day scramble across its icy ridges and cast his eyes across the true Northern landscape, but more than anything Adim simply wanted to climb the only mountain of these parts that was considered impossible – an adventure of epic challenges.15
Feeling the cold finally penetrating his skin, Adim watched the clouds once again cast a dark veil over his spectacular surroundings and then stomped through the snow to find the path back down. His mind wandered to far off places as he dropped out of the jagged black rocks and trudged across the corniced ridge that shot up out of the belly of mountain like the edge of a blade. Daunting drops on either side of him were shielded by unsteady overhangs of snow-covered ice. Adim always took care when he was in the mountains, but sometimes it was not enough.16
Seemingly out of no-where a burst of wind swung like an invisible hammer through the air, knocking the young man from his feet like a rag-doll. In a brief moment of panicking limbs desperately clawing at the slippery ice, Adim thought he was about to meet his end. Panting heavily and with his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, he slid to a halt just strides away from the edge of the overhang, his axe planted firmly in the snow. He whipped his cowl away from his head, revealing his scruffy blonde hair and fearful blue eyes. With great care, he slowly used his knees to creep back towards the rocky path.17
Adim did all he could to not focus on the terrifying fall to the valley floor that was so close behind him, but he was reminded of it by a sickening crack. He froze like a statue, hoping he had not heard it. It was followed shortly by another and then another. Somewhere beneath his shaking figure the ice was straining with his weight. He did not breath, he could not. All that mattered was getting back to the path, an objective that was but a stride in front of him. The cracking became an orchestra of creaks and Adim found himself praying to Lady Nature to save him. But he knew it was futile.18
In a deafening snap and a sickening lurch, Adim felt the snow and ice disappear from beneath him. His ice axe spun away from his hand and in a whirl of white he could feel himself racing through the air. He pointlessly flailed his arms and as the snow of the overhang dispersed in the wind, he saw the valley floor far beneath him becoming closer and closer. He tensed every muscle in his body, shut his eyes tightly and waited for the end to come. When it came he felt nothing but the instant of hard rock smashing his bones.19
In a list
A contest entry
- The Pot Of Stew: A Mixture of Here and There by Miss Hanako Cullen.
294 points, ended February 22, 2008, 37 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Original Forgery by CactusJack.
225 points, ended April 3, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy 101 by Blackwings.
650 points, ended April 28, 2008, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - We love fantasy by wolfcub.
300 points, ended August 28, 2008, 27 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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I loved the way you introduced this and the drama continued through the story as well. It's obvious you have a real passion for writing - it came through in the piece.
Thankyou for entering and good luck
Katie -
wow man i can't believe this was just a HM! This is amazing!!!! A million times better than anything I could write. It totally had me hooked! Your descriptions were amazing; such detail. Wonderful piece!!! Definitely going to continue reading this I want to know more!
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This story is very original and I loved the gripping details ^.^ nicly done and thanks sooo much for entering in my contest ^.^
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It's a nice start. Good language, consistent voice, and it's clear you have the feel of the setting fixed. A wee bit heavy on the description of how there's cold, ice and snow everywhere I think, but that's a question of taste. Can't say much of the plot at this point of course, but I'll definitely keep reading.
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This is really great. I will continue reading this! Really good job!
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I loved this story, and the ended was sad but amazing in the same sense, you have a great way of using words, keep up the good work!
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The only word that comes to mind is AWESOME! You did a very good job on this story, and I was very intrigued to read it. Aside from a few spots that needed editing, this story was very well written!!
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Great Job. Very well-done. I can't wait to read more of your work. It stirred up a lot of emotion, especially the ending, so sadddd. Why couldn't he live??? Great job on this write. Keep up the good work!!!
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AMAZING!
This is extremely well-written and I greatly enjoyed reading such a tale. It has a really sad ending, and I was hoping that he would live so that the story could continue, but that's life! If you would ever like to change the ending and continue on with the story I would greatly enjoy reading it. This is just so flowing that it takes my breath away! You write like an actual author and I really think that if you continue with it and write like you did throughout a whole novel-length story, then it could become published in bookstores, and you can bet that I would be buying a copy immediately!! You did an unbelievable job with this story and I really hope that you abandon killing the guy and write a lot more of it. (P.S. My only problem is that the spelling of Adam as Adim kinda bugs me, but that's just a minor setback!)
KEEP IT UP!
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Thank you for a really nice comment! Luckily for you, I have fourteen parts of this story published and online!
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Stunning! You are gifted with diction and imagery; I was enthralled at such talent. Everything was organized to fit perfectly like a puzzle. Perhaps this is a shot in the dark, but are you using Bible references? The idea just appeared to me when I saw Edin and Adim together in the same story. I got the idea especially when I read the sentence, "The great stone walls of Edin kept the plagues of winter and the harsh northern winds at bay." It reminded me of the paradise that is portrayed in the beginning of the Bible. Anyway, Thank you for a great read, I thoroughly enjoyed it!
~*~Eris~*~
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Thank you very much! Yes, well spotted, there are numerous biblical references throughout the entire story. You may also notice that 'Vanire' is a play on 'Vanir', a group of Gods in Norse mythology.
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Absolutely Breathtaking beyond words..
Wow.. This story was absolutely amazing. It was intriguing, descriptive, and just a delight to read. The language you used; I could just imagine the scenery in my mind and it made me want to read more. Your punctuation was perfect and everything flowed perfectly. Continue writing with such passion.
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My first comment on here and I can only echo what's already been said. Captivating stuff!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Fantastic!
Your prolouge was captiviating and set a the back drop for the ensuing chapter. The pace of the story was fast and kept me wanting to read on. Your grammar and sentence structure was perfect and it was a joy to read!
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Great!
I really, really like this story. The opening prologue section picks up the pace really well, providing an excellent lead-in for the action. The characters are easy to like, meaning that as a reader I engaged much more - well done, that's tough to do.
The detail was perfect for capturing the plot so all in all I think you wrote this incredibly effectively!
Toxic Paradox. -
*blinks in wonderment* I read this twice just o make sure I wasn't dreaming. What a spill! Every turn, every detail, every word dripped brilliance in a way that makes me positively green! I am utterly speechless by your work.
I can't seem to praise it enough! My friends WILL be reading this!
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Now that was WHAT I call a masterpeice...
through every word you drove emotions, description, feeling such deep emotional nawring feelings of passion and love and I am lost...
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Thank you so much for your kind words!
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This is the best story I have read on the site. Excellent pacing, descriptions and character development. Impressive!
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Wow! Thank you so much, that was a really nice comment!
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Wonderful. Details in your descriptions really brought out the realness of the scene. I will continue on with this series.
Brooke
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Thank you very much! I hope you enjoy the rest of the series as much as this one.
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Breathtaking...
Firstly, i would like to welcome you to StoryWrite. It is a pleasure seeing such magnificent talent on the site, and i do hope you enjoy your stay.
As for your story, absolutely amazing. Your details and similes are done to perfection. You surround the reader with your words, and lure them into the world you have so skilfully created.
Your descriptions of the main character's surroundings are nothing more than beauty itself. You plant a reader in his shoes, and leave him begging for more.
I have no critisism. The only minor thing i noticed was a typo in the 10th paragraph:
"...running parallel to each other for as far as they eye could see." - 'they' is 'the' perhaps?
All in all, a wonderful beginning to an extraordinary tale. I am glad i stumbled upon this, and look forward to reading the rest.
You have an obvious talent. Please continue writing, and i shall continue to read.
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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Thank you so much, it means a lot! Well done for spotting the typo, it seems that no matter how many times a writer reads his work, those little mistakes always evade him! I hope you continue to read because it makes this story all the more special to me knowing that people are enjoying it.
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A masterpiece!
Such a wonderful begining! I haven't read anything so enchanting and mind lurring in a while! Your imagination and story telling is truly a work of pure talent. By paragraph 17 I couldn't keep my eyes away from the computer screen. I truly loved this and I plan to read onto the other two stories.
One thing I did notice is that you used the term of god and capatilized it. It is a grammer error to do so unless refering to the Biblical God. That is because there it can be counted as a name but in a fiction story god(s) are counted as term you could say.
Once again, truly wonderful story!
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Thank you! That has made my day, I am glad I was able to captivate you (which is what I was aiming for). I have many more parts written so I will start putting them up.
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