Wondering as I wake up with the curtains beside me, whooshing as the strong wind blows fiercely. I get out of my bed, worried and scared. Chills, running down my spine, worries, rushing through my head. Questions are running around all over my mind, I'm terrified, what's happening, what's going on? The candle beside me blows out, the kitchen light flickers on and off, the sink in the bathroom turns on, the shower turns on. I look around, scared, worried, frightened. I freeze, I breath harder and harder, my heart rate is crazy. There, beside me, breathing down my neck, was a man. 1
A man who put his arm on my shoulder, I jumped, I stopped, I wondered, I worried, I cried, I screamed...2
...I died.
A contest entry
- 10 sentances or less ; anything by Melli.
170 points, ended February 15, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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very nicely written x]]
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I love how you incorporated this whole story into ten sentences. I'm looking over some of your comments and I disagree. The shortness emphasizes that fact that this all happens in a second. One second, you're breathing, one second you're not. One second you're alive, the next you're dead.
On a different note, you use the verb 'wonder' a lot. I think if you could use synonyms it would help. But that's just one of my opinions.
Well done! -
Very short story, but it was awesome! I liked it. Good job!
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It was for a TEN SENTENCE contest! I couldn't write any more...
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nice i like it very descriptive you can tell exactly whats going on Whats going through their mind fantastic love how you finished it off i jumped, i stopped, i wondered, i worried, i cried, i screamed... i died nice dramaric love to read some more keep writting oh n cheers for the comment thought i would comment back to be nice
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Hmm....
Hmmm.... Thats kind of weird, but interesting. Good choice of words. It flowed pretty well as far as I'm concerned. Thanks for a good read. also, Good luck in my contest =D !!!!
KEEP WRITING!!!
-Melli<33
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Wow, it looks like it happened fast...too fast. Maybe you should stop moving so quickly, get me? I don't know how to explain it..so I hoe you understand, its a good start though.
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Lol - It's for a 10 sentence contest.
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You read and read until you can barely believe what you're seeing in your head, and then you break out in laughter reading the last line! I loved it!
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"and then you break out in laughter reading the last line!"
I didn't know you found death so funny? -
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Ha ha that's my friend Still Wondering, she is quite the strange cynic.
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This is a very good piece. It may be short, but there is a lot of good stuff in it. You make the audience worry for the character. All in all a very nice piece. Keep up the good work.
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For such a short amount of words you brought on a cycle of emotions. I first felt worried and then frightened for the character and then I relaxed into comfort knowing that the person was safe. You have a way with words and I loved it from the very first sentence. Keep writing, I see a brightness in your future and it shines through your words.
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Thanks
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this was very abrupt but extremely catching. Great job with it!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Thanks
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This. Is. Superb! I loved it so much and I'm not just saying this because I know you. I agree with Mirth, this was provoking and the ending was powerful. Even though you kind of see it coming. But lol let's see some tips. Um
The candle beside me blows out, the kitchen light flickers on and off, the sink in the bathroom turns on, and the shower turn on
First off on and the shower turn on, turn should be turns. Also, many people including myself find it that it is more powerful if you take out and, so instead of being and the shower turns on, maybe the shower turns on. You might think that it won't sound right but if you take out the and, the words flow much better.
And finally ...I died. I liked it a lot and im just spitballing but maybe, instead of
I screamed...
...I died maybe you can do
I screamed...
...Darkness. Because if you put Darkness it'll give a chance for people to imagine like Oh my God did he die? Did he faint? But they'll know he died but it'll make them think. You don't have to change it but I'm just showing a different way it could have been done even though I really like your version.
KUDOS!!!!!!!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks a lot. Originally I didn't have the "and" in that sentence, I thought it sounded better. But then I just put it because I knew it was a grammar rule and I didn't want to hear people complain about that, lol.
And turn to turns -- thanks for that.
Thanks! =D
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whoa that was provoking..... and such a powerfull ending he died...
what a suberb use of ten lines...
well done
The candle beside me blows out, the kitchen light flickers on and off, the sink in the bathroom turns on, and the shower turn on
Love Blair
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Thanks
I appreciate it.
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