Struggles (compiled thus far)

================== CHAPTER 1:THE HOSPITAL ==================1

In the hospital, fighting for my life, struggling to take a breath. My body black and blue, painful to move, to breath. I close my eyes, trying to relax, sleep.2

I take a turn for the worst. I watch myself from the corner of my hospital bed, I stop breathing and, suddenly, surrounded by doctors. My life line goes. The doctors run around, trying to get me back online. No one I love around to say good-bye. I'm all alone, no one to hold me, just metal and cold hands are there to comfort. Doctors struggle to find the right combination of shocks and breathing tubes, as if I'm some kind of safe that they can't figure out...3

My name is Katherine. I was only 24 years old at the time and already I was struggling for my life. But I didn't want to die! I kept saying, 'God, please don't take me now! I mean...yea, I've done a lot of things in this life, but I still have so much that I still want to do.' Talking about being through a lot...4

I suppose I've struggled, for my life, a lot...I was born premature and had to stay in the hospital for three whole months. Every time they thought I was stable, I had something new wrong with me. I think I was a lot like the saying, "Take one step forward and fall 2 steps back," except I was more like: 1 step forward, 3 steps back, 2 steps forward, 1 step back... You get the idea. I guess I gave the doctors and my parents a run for their money. And here I am, in the hospital again... My parents standing by my bed now. I can hear my mother, "Oh honey. Please come back. You can't die yet. God can't take you yet. You've only just begun your life." 'Why can't I respond? Am I dead? Is this what it's like?'5

I'm so confused. Am I really experiencing this? I'm really DEAD? Was this what I got for trying to make my relationship...my MARRIAGE work? I had been with this man for four years and for the longest time he was the sweetest man you'd ever met. He showed no signs of hurting anyone, but then something triggered him and...well, you know... he snapped.6

So, there my body lies, in a cold, stiff hospital bed. I don't look dead... I'm sleeping? With wires coming from every inch of my body? I can see everyone around me, but I can't do anything to calm anyone. My father is in the corner, praying. My mother - sitting in the chair next to me, holding the hand of the lifeless body that I used to call my own. I overheard that my baby sister is flying in from college (across the country) to see me. They say that she may be able to pull me out of it...whatever IT is.7

My sister, Kelsey, is only 19, but she is one of the sweetest, most beautiful girls I've ever known. She just started her 3rd year of college. I swear that girl is the smartest girl you'll ever meet. I know SHE won't end up like this!8

So, the only good thing about being in this state... is that it doesn't hurt anymore, but I don't care about pain. I WANT OUT! I want to show my family that I am here. "I'm here! I can hear you! I'm ok!... Can you hear me? "... I try to scream, but my body lay, motionless.9

"Her mouth just moved! I saw her try and say something! You don't believe me... do you?"10

"Peg, don't get your hopes up. It probably has nothing to do with anything."11

"What do you mean?! Are you giving up on her already? She's only been in this coma for three months! We can't give up yet!"12

'WHAT?! It's been 3 months already?! How? What do I do? How do I get out of here?'13

"Peg, honey, come home with me. You can't spend the rest of your life here."14

"Yes I can. I mean... what if she wakes up Edward? What if she wakes up and I'm not here? She'll be so afraid. I can't leave her."15

"Please... come home?"16

"No!"17

"Fine, I'm going home... I love you."18

"I... I..."19

20

================== CHAPTER 2: I WANT OUT! ==================21

"Have you noticed her stomach, doctor?" I hear Kelsey ask.22

"What about it?"23

"Well, I've only seen her three times this month, but I could swear that her stomach is growing..."24

"Hmm... we'll uh... run some tests on her... but don't get all worked up... it could be that she is just putting on some weight."25

'NOW WHAT?! On top of me being in a coma AND beaten nearly to death... I'm... what? Do I have worms? Do I have some weird disease? I mean... what could it possibly be?'26

"Doctor? We've run all the tests you requested...and the only one to come back with an answer is this one," an unfamiliar, female voice broke through my thoughts.27

"Which one, nurse?"28

"The pregnancy test, doctor." the nurse tried to be hushed about saying this, but my mother and sister heard her... and so did I...29

"WHAT? On top of my daughter being in a coma AND battered, she's going to have a BABY?!" My mother sobbed.30

"Yes ma'am."31

"My sister is... having a baby?... and she doesn't even know? Aren't there risks for her being pregnant AND in a coma?"32

"Well...yes, but we are seeing some signs of improvement from Miss Katherine."33

"Is abortion a possibility? I mean, she can't have that b.a.s.t.a.r.d's baby, that is just wrong."34

"MOM! How can you say that? How could the idea even possibly run through your mind? What about Kate? Shouldn't having this baby be HER decision," she pointed angrily at me, "NOT ours?"35

"Well, what if she doesn't wake up for another couple of months... the baby will be too developed for her to abort it, if she wants it?!"36

"Then... she just WON'T, ok?" Kels' eyes began to overflow like wells of water, "I know she wouldn't want that... she couldn't want that..."37

I try to scream again, "Hey! Can anyone hear me? I'm here!", but it didn't come out as yelling. Actually, it didn't come out at all, but my hand jerked... the hand that Kelsey had clung to every hour of each day that she had come to see me...38

"Her hand moved! She squeezed my hand! She's got to still be in there somewhere... right?" She searched my mother's eyes for some kind of answer, but there was none. Her eyes had been quite empty for some days now.39

Suddenly, I'm in a maze. 'Now where am I? What is this? A maze? If I find the way out... can I have my life back?' I start off running, taking a couple of rights and a left and another right, I try to follow my mother and sister's voices. Without notice I'm faced with a thick wall. As I'm about to turn around, I change my mind and decide to inspect the wall. 'Heh, a secret door!...' The bush moves under the pressure of my body and I continue on the hunt to find the exit.40

"I wish she never met Jacob! This never would have happened if she didn't meet him! I want my sister back!" Kelsey sobs.41

"I know baby girl. I miss her too. Your father is having him charged with attempted murder. He's been arrested. His court date is soon."42

"I WANT OUT!" I cry as I fall to my knees.43

"Ma? Did you hear that?"44

"Hear what?"45

"Kate? Say it again... please? I know you tried to say something..."46

"I WANT OUT!" I cry again, realizing that Kels heard me that time.47

My mother stands up, shocked. My sister cries harder than I have ever seen her cry before, "I heard her mumble!"48

"Me too baby... I think she said..."49

"'I want out' she said, 'I want out'! Then come out Kate! You can do it. I know you can!" She says as she lays her head on my chest and cries.50

"I'm trying to get out of here Kels, I swear to you baby, I am." I stand and continue to walk, even as my legs threaten to fail me. I push myself to keep going... for my sister... ... for my mom... ... ... my dad... ... ... for my unborn baby...51

52

================== CHAPTER 3: HEALTHY ==================53

'I see the end! I see the light! There is an end to this wretched maze!' I felt like running, but my legs are like jello under me.54

"MOM! She's trying to tighten her grip!... Kate?"55

My eyes open slowly, shuttering to blink the heaviness out. I struggle to breath on my own but to no avail, instead I find myself choking on the breathing tube.56

"Doctor! DOCTOR! My baby is awake! HELP HER!"57

The doctor rushes in with a whole set of nurses at his heals. The sudden commotion and immediate claustrophobia frightens me so much that I almost couldn't hold back a scream. One kind nurse guided the tube out of my throat. Another nurse kept tabs on my stats and the others adjusted the IVs, along with a lot of other things that I couldn't quite see from my bed... I'm back!58

"Hey sis!" Kelsey said, staring down into my eyes, with tears in her own.59

"Hi... How long has it been?"60

"Almost six months, babe." my mother told me.61

I looked down at my eight months of pregnant stomach, "Wha...?"62

"I guess that b.a.s.t.a.r.d left you pregnant when he tried to kill you!" My mother said with a look of disgust on her face.63

I smile, allowing tears to roll down the sides of my face and placing my free hand on my belly. "That's ok. I'd be happy to keep this baby... Is it healthy?" I ask, turning my attention to the doctor.64

Kelsey let a laugh escape her lips, "You've been in a coma, beaten nearly to death, and still you prefer to care more about everyone other than yourself..."65

"Yes. We've kept a close watch on this baby, by specific instructions of your sister. One of these IVs provides your body with the proper nutrients to take care of yourself and your baby. Would you care to see it?"66

I nodded, of course I want to see my baby! The doctor pulls out the sonagram machine, rubs gel on my belly and then places the cold metal on my stomach without warning, "Sorry." He says in reaction to my flich. He moves it around as he stares at the screen, "There," he points at the screen, "You see?"67

"Yes," I sighed, "It's beautiful."68

"Would you like to know the sex?"69

"No, thank you. I'll plan for either... ... ... ... I can't go back to that house, not with that man there..."70

"It's ok," my mom replied, "Jacob is is in jail... But I'd love it if you sold and came back to live with us..."71

"I think... that's a pretty good idea... ... ... yea, I'll stay with you, until I make enough money to settle down with this baby."72

"Good, that means that we'll have a full house again!" My mother exclaims.73

I was let out of the hospital after a couple of weeks of being awake. I'm so glad to be able to do things on my own again. I mean, simple things...like washing my own hair, brushing my teeth, getting up and just walking around. So many times people take those simple things, that I hadn't been able to do, for granted...74

My belly continues growing out of control! I made it to the end of the eighth month and my baby is so big that I can't even see my feet. I can't wait to have my baby in my arms and to be able to hold him/her close to me.75

----76

I woke up early this morning with pains. They were shooting up my sides and my stomach. I howled in agony as I tried to get out of my bed and to the bathroom. My sister was immediately by my side with my mother, and my father at the doorway. "What's wrong sweetie?"77

"It HuRtS! Ahhhhh!" I groan, my legs crumbling beneath me.78

79

================== CHAPTER 4: THE BIRTH ==================80

I felt my water break all over my night gown and spill onto the floor. "Oh...that was my water..." My father rushed in and scooped me into his arms.81

"We're gonna get you to the bed again and call the doctor!" my mother said as she rushed from the room to call Doctor Greene.82

"Daddy, this hurts so much! What's going on? Why does it hurt like this already?"83

"I don't know baby," my father replied, holding my hand and kissing my forehead, "But I know that you and the baby will be ok."84

My labor progressed pretty quickly within the next couple of moments. The pain was unbearable and I continued to scream at the top of every contraction, which were only four and a half minutes apart. 'It seems like forever ago that my mother took off to talk to Doctor Greene.'85

"Daddy?"86

"Yes, baby?"87

"Um...the baby is here...it's wantin out...NOW!" I began to scream at the horrific pain.88

"It can't come yet! We're not ready! I can't deliver babies!"89

"Dad, please, you have to!"90

Reluctantly, my father moved to check me, "Oh God...I see the head...what do I do?"91

"I don't know...Um...we need something to clean the baby when it's out, something to wrap it in, a couple of clamps and some scissors...and maybe some ice?" Kels blurted out.92

He moved around the house quickly, grabbing all that Kels had told him to get. "Ok...I've got everything...here," he placed the bowl of ice next me and put a small piece in my mouth, "Now...set your legs to your bottom and...if you need to push, just push as hard as you can."93

I took deep breaths, in and out, waited for the oncoming contraction to build and then I pushed.94

"Push baby, PUSH!...I already have most of the head!" I stopped pushing to try and breath, "Come on baby! I need you to push hard!"95

"I need mom! MOOOOM! OH GOD! HELP ME! IT HURTS...I can't push anymore..." I began to sob.96

"You can do this baby. You can push this baby out! I know you can! You came out of that coma, so I KNOW you can get this baby out!" My father tried to soothe me.97

I leaned forward and pushed as hard as I could to get the baby out. Then, my mom came rushing in, "What?" she glanced at the scene that had unfolded before her, "You're not supposed to be pushing yet! I have been trying to find out where your doctor is...you can't have this baby yet...Why are you pushing already?" she asked frantically.98

"Because it was pushing me! It decided it was time and started peeking!...please hold me mama! It hurts!"99

She rushed to my side with such grace, "I know sweetie, but think of the prize that you'll have after all of this pain." She whispered calmly in my ear.100

I began to cry again, trying to push with every wave of contractions.101

"There it is! Just...let...me...ok. That's good...now, we have to get the rest of this baby out..."102

"Edward, sweety? When she pushes, pull and twist the baby in all directions to guide the larger parts of the baby softly through her birth canal."103

So as I pushed, I could feel my father pull lightly on the baby, guiding it's shoulders around to fit through my cervix. My father moved quickly to clean the baby and clamp part of the umbilical cord so that it could be cut without either of us bleeding out.104

I held my baby in my arms for the first time... but freaked out upon her not breathing, she was turning all shades of purple. "HELP! She's not breathing... Oh PLEASE BREATH!"105

================== CHAPTER 5: FIRST DAY ==================106

So, I woke up in ANOTHER hospital bed. Ugh! Another cold, stiff bed...the same as I had laid in for 5 months previously. I hated those beds then...and I STILL hate them even now!107

"Hey! How ya feelin' Mrs. Ramsley?" Doctor Greene asked cheerfully.108

"Please. Don't call me that. Just Katharine, please."109

"Ok, Katharine...let's check how you're doing, ok?"110

"Where's my baby? How is she?" Is she ok?"111

"We had to bring her to the NICU last night..."112

"WHAT?!"113

"Just to be sure... She is doing well now, she is out and we'll have her brought right in after I check on you. But YOU on the other hand gave everyone a huge scare. With the stress you caused yourself, you passed out and clonked your head... Have you chosen a name for her?"114

"Angela Marie."115

"Ramsley?"116

"No, Sanders. My maiden name...Where's my mother?"117

"She's with Angela." Doc Greene proceeded to check my vitals and inspect my stomach by pushing and feeling around my abdomen. "How does that feel? Pain anywhere?"118

"Um...nope, still a little tender, but nothing that hurts."119

"Good, but you never answered my question...How are you feeling?"120

"Fine, I guess..."121

"Well, you're lookin' good. Stats are all normal. No signs of hemorrhaging; looks like you are the image of perfect health! I’ll just let you be alone with your family.” With that he left the room and sent in my mom and dad with my little angel in my mom's arms. My mom held her in her arms so naturally, like she had when she held Kelsey. I outstretched my arms toward them and asked to hold Angela.122

"Angela?"123

"Yea ma. Angela Marie Sanders, 'cause she's my precious little angel."124

"It's a beautiful name, Honey-dew," my father smiled down at me and his grand-daughter. 'Honey-dew' is a nickname my daddy started calling me when I was REALLY young and it just kind of stuck, although he doesn't call me that all that much anymore...125

I looked from my supportive, loving parents to the baby that was placed in my arms. "Hi angel face, I'm your mommy. Remember me?" I asked as she looked up at me and smiled, continuing to try and blink away the brightness of the lights. When she stopped blinking she stared up at my face. That's when I noticed that she had...has my cocoa colour brown hair and her own soft, baby blue eyes, which I figure will eventually change because blue eyes are in neither family. So, there she was, my baby girl, laying in my arms, giving me a feeling of comfort.126

How could something so wonderful come out of a series of such horrible events? Why was I blessed with this angel? Not to say that I didn't want her, because of course I wanted her! But I just wanted to know, 'Why? Why would God provide me with such a blessing? I have seemed to have done almost everything EXCEPT obey God...and still He shows love and compassion towards me.127

"You know, she's probably hungry..." My mother said, interrupting my own thoughts, "Would you like some help?"128

"No, thank you. Can I have some privacy, please?"129

"But..." she tried to oppose me, but was jerked away by my father, "Sure, baby."130

Once my mother was out of the room, my father followed, stopping to wink at me and pull the door closed as he left. I was alone except for Angela, my sweet angel. A single tear rolled down my cheek "Are you hungry princess?"131

I opened my dress slowly, one button at a time. My body ached for the contact between myself and my baby. I pulled my dress to one side, to reveal my aching breast to Angela. She struggled for a few seconds, trying to latch onto her target, and upon finding it, cooed softly. I smiled down at her, playing with her tiny ringlets of hair forming on her head.132

"My little princess, you're so precious. Mommy loves her little princess." I sang softly, placing sweet kisses upon her tiny fingers that gripped onto my pointer finger. I began humming a tune, that I remembered my mother singing to me as a child, as Ang ate. Halfway through, I switched her to my other side.133

---134

Once she was finished, she fell away from me happily, "You are such a blessing. God loves you and so do I."135

"Hey, sis. Is everything ok?" My sister, Kels, peeked her head into the room.136

"Great...Hey, are you back from school again?"137

"Yea, spring break..."138

"Oh," I had forgot about that. Easter was coming up one of these Sundays...I had lost track of time throughout the last couple of months. Busy taking care of myself and the unborn child I was carrying.139

"So...everything goihg well?" She inquired again.140

"MmHmm," I nodded and sighed, "Wanna come in and meet your new niece?"141

"Yea! Of course!...What's her name?" She asked as she walked cautiously to my bedside.142

"Angela Marie Sanders."143

"Awe!" She was at my side, playing prudently with Ang's hair, "She's so beautiful Kay!"144

"Want to hold her?"145

"Are you kidding?"146

"No, but you don't have to hold her if you don't want to..."147

"No! I'd love to hold her!" she said as she placed her arms out to receive Angela.148

"Just support her head...and her bottom!" Once in place and safely in Kels' arms, Angela relaxed again to slumber. Kelsey looked so natural with a baby in her arms. "Kels, you look like a natural holding her. You should really consider mother-hood."149

"Um...I think I'll stick to AUNT-hood for now!" We laughed together.150

"Why don't you sit down...enjoy holding her." Kels sat down in the chair next to me and crooned the baby, keeping Ang in her sweet and precious slumber.151

152

================== CHAPTER 6: HOME ==================153

Angela was only 3 days old, but we were allowed to go home! Well...my parents' home...in which I had had no time and was unable to set up a nursery yet, but at the time, I was only thinking about the health of my unborn child. That day, that we got to go home, she was dressed in her cutest little one piece pajamas and wrapped in a bundle of pink ducky blankets. She stared up at me with a sweet little smile, and her eyes knowing and trusting.154

They wheeled us out of the hospital, Angela in my arms and I in the wheelchair. I handed the baby to my sister, who tucked her safely into a cute little car seat, that I had not seen ever before. Meanwhile, my father helped me up and into the car and then helped buckle me in next to Angela. Kelsey sat on the other side of me, while my parents rode shot gun. I was so excited to get away from the hospital and those BEDS and to be able to finally be alone with Angela at home. But about halfway home, in the middle of playing and making noise at Angela, I paused realizing that Angela had no where to stay. "Um...What about Angela?" I asked breaking the almost complete silence.155

“What do you mean, honey?” My mother asked, appearing naïve.156

“Where is she going to stay? We haven’t bought a crib or ANYTHING for her. She doesn’t have a place to stay at home…”157

“She’ll always have somewhere to go.” Kelsey chirped in.158

“But…”159

“But nothing.” The final word had been said, I just needed to drop it.160

‘What will I do if she had nowhere to sleep?’ I thought, ‘She might even have to sleep in my dresser drawer or…with me!…But what if I crush her?! She’ll suffocate! But maybe I won’t move so much in knowing she’s there…no…I can’t. She’ll just have to -’161

“We’re home! Home sweet home.” My father chimed, cutting through my thoughts. “Let’s get you two inside and then we can settle this living space thing…”162

Mother took Angela out of her car seat as Kelsey helped me not fall out of the car.. Mother brought Angela around to me, so I was able to carry her into our home. Kelsey held my waist, afraid that I might have fallen because I was still in quite a bit of pain and refused all pain meds and guided me into the house.163

“Can’t sit down yet!” Kelsey said as I went to sit on the couch, “We need to go find a place for Angela to sleep.” She looked at me with a glint in her eyes and then searched lazily around us, as if she were ACTUALLY thinking about her sleeping in the living room.164

“No, it’s fine. She can sleep with me.” I replied.165

“Let’s just TRY and search the house…and if we don’t find anything suitable for her that you like…THEN she can sleep with you…how about it?” Mom always seemed so good at making deals.166

“Ok…sure…” I was still completely oblivious, as my family opened and closed doors, looking for a good room, that they had something planned. And then my mom opened the door that is right next to my room and actually has an adjoined door to my room. It was…is so beautiful. You couldn’t imagine a sweeter room. Everything is in baby pink and baby green. There are angels all around the border of the room. The crib, changing table, rocking chair all in their own perfect little places. My family bought TONS of stuffed animals. And my daddy even built a beautiful little bookshelf that now contains tons of tiny little books and some toys.167

“Are you kidding?! Are we at the right house? How’d you get this done so fast?!” I wanted to now EVERYTHING then and there.168

“Don’t worry about all the details, everything is done and this is all for my baby and HER baby. Congratulations sweetheart.” Mom’s eyes began to water as she turned around and clung to daddy, but still watched Angela and me.169

“Oh mom…Dad…Kels…you are the most wonderful family anyone could ever ask for! You see all this Angels? Your grammy and grampy and even your Auntie Kelsey set this up ALL for you. You like it sweetheart?”170

Angela just laid in my arms, her eyes wide and wandering. She was seemingly as amazed as I was. She let out a couple fits of giggles and coos in reaction to the room. ‘She DOES always have a place to stay!’ I stared in amazement and awe at the beautiful nursery.171

“Go and sit, Kay!” Kelsey instructed excitedly.172

I carried Angela over to the rocking chair and slowly lowered myself into it, while trying not to squeeze Angela. When I was situated, I placed my finger on Ang’s lips, so she could on it if she wanted to. My eyes, wandering, finally found my parents still at the door, hugging. “Thank you. This means so much to me.”173

“Anything for our baby.” Daddy smiled.174

“AND our grand-baby!” Mom added as I let out a tiny, inaudible giggle escape my lips.175

176