Antonia was sleeping it was a cold night so she pulled her covers to her chest, she always loved vampires. she goes to sleep.....she feels a chill in her room she sees a shadow in the corner of her room. 1
She stutters out are..you..a..vampire he says why yes i am, she licks her lips he sees that shes not wearing anything under the covers he moans 2
she asks you like, he shakes his head 'yes' so she crawls off the bed and crawls up to him he takes her by the waist and he tell's her are you ready for the -kiss of the vampire he tells her he's not responsible for what he does she tells him she's fully his, she's thrown on the bed soon after she looks up to see him on top of her she sees his fangs he asks do you want me to bite you she say's yes he leans down an bites her neck she yelps but then moans soon after he then starts to suck her neck mmm that feels so good, he takes her breast in his mouth he sucks till it's hard and he moves on to the other one. S he claws at his back hearing him groan she knows he likes it and whispers in his ear please hurry...he shows his fangs again she sees him grin, he positions himself in the middle of her thighs he puts the tip of his cock inside her ooo yea she says please she begs he obliges by going all the way in her she screams oh god yes more he thrusts an grunts. He bites her breast ahh she reaches her climax an it triggers his as he cums....oh...my...god she says j.j i wanna ride you he says go ahead she tells him she's gonna make him cum over n over...They stay in bed for all of eternity.....The End3
Author notes
Only for young adults Not for young readers.....
this is Only for young adutld it's inappriate for young readers.........
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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The casual style this is written...
...works well for a sense of modernity. It suits the realm of the online as you can imagine reading this in somebody's blog, "guess what happened to me last night?"
Now there's an idea!
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Good story! I like it that they stayed in bed for all eternity.
Now that is a lasting relationship.
Darrel
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Good story I like it that they
stayed in bed for all eternity.
Now that is lasting relationship.
Darrel -
I love vampire stories as much as the next guy but do believe this one needs some work. This is a great start and rough draft but I think it could be fleshed out a lot more and be an awesome read.
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Fantastic! I happen to be a big fan of vampires and have flirted with the idea of making a vampire romance story myself this was a great piece of writing though, good job!
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"always loved vampires." - Why is this here? It seems to be completely unrelated. And I understand that it is related later, but it is just out of place and unnecessary at this point in the story. It prefigures the rest of the action and destroys any suspense, especially in a short piece.
"She stutters out are..you..a..vampire he says" - The grammar is wrong, you should have " around the speech. This reoccurs throughout your piece, and makes reading hard and annoying.
Its disappointing to say, but I couldn't even bring myself to read to the end of this very short piece. The action was rushed, none of it was erotic. If that was the intention, it was completely lost in the execution. If you really enjoy the bones of this piece, perhaps you should write it again, completely revised. -
Very descriptive. I like vampires so as soon as I read this, I had to click on it. I liked this a lot. Good job and take care.
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Very nice
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I like this...very very descriptive...
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*Smiles*
I think we need to work on this... ;-) -
That was really cool. the descriptions were great and that was pretty damn sexy Great piece! x
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This story was sexy and very dark. I liked it, but watch your spelling & grammar next time. You made a couple of mistakes. Good job though!
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I'm abig vampire lover and this was very very hot and erotica. I love it wish it was two males but it's still all good keep up the good work.
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Short buy very interesting and well written at the same time. Great job with this. I very much love Vampires so I enjoyed this even more. Take care and keep writing.
-Lady Nikki Sixx- -
The background is a little too dark for the words appearing on the surface. I'm glad it is a short piece as my eyes would be tearing from the difficulty.
I'm not sure if you meant to but your sentences are left without proper punctuation and you have many run on sentences. Maybe if you broke up the second paragraph, it would read better.
Otherwise I like what you have written here. It was just too distracting with the clumpiness of the words but I could see that you enjoyed what you were writing and you are very descriptive.
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very intresting but i found it rather short. A few errors that i saw you may wish to revise and fix them.
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I did
i did fix them an i re edited so yea i hope you aprove have a nice day..
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Very good, well written
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Okay, in the real life, this would probably be in the adult section...but I think it was really descriptive and sexual. If you revised the grammar a bit, this would be really good to read over and over again. It's just kind of messed up with the grammar and all. Besides that, this was amazing.
Keep up the great work, Ash. I enjoyed this story a lot. -
my 3rd time
im rereading it for like the 3rd time i love your work -
I like the idea and the fantasy of erotica that was being displaced in this story. I'm not an editor, but did noticed it will need some. However, with all that aside, I truly enjoyed it and not let the 'editing' get in the way of where the story was taking me.
Ted E
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3 appauds
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very well done
i really enjoy your work keep it up
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