The story of my life

This here is the Story of me, my mind and my life. It's not pretty at all. There's so much going on but hopefully you all will understand. It's gonna be hard for me to write it but I'll do my best. For you guys and you only I'm opening the part of my life that no one get's to see but me and my diary. So I'm not really sure how to start so.......ok here's me winging it.1

Hi my name is Sarah or Sarah-bear. I'm 15 and i've got one older brother(named Dustin) and two step siblings (liz and Dustin). My parents got devoreced when I was ten years old. Every day I'm told a new thing that happened between my parents. One is that my Dad apparently beat my brother. (I don't think that's true) It's really sad because I don't remember what really happened. Then my dad say's that my mom was the one who beat my brother. All i really remember is that my parent faught alot and they hit each other and my brother got into the middle trying to stop it and then he was hit by one of them.2

Now five years later my mom is married to a guy named Dan. He's 27 and he's pretty cool. I of course live with my mom (not by my choice) I never got to choose. My dad is married to a girl named Lori. She's Bi-polar but i really like her.She's were i get my step Brother and his Girlfriend Brittany and my step sis Liz. 3

Now most of my problems came from the divorce. I just bottled everything up inside. Everything that was going on with me seemed like it would just add to the problem going on with the divorece.4

At the age of ten I didn't care about myself that much i cared for how my mom and dad felt. If they hurt I was hurt. The thing that will never leave my memories is the first time my dad cried in front of me. He came into my room and sat on my bed and told me he was going away from a while. I asked him where he was going and why was he leaving me. That's when I was the first tear in his eye. Finally he broke down and told me that mommy needed him to leave so she could think there meriage over.5

From that day on I ignored everyone. I stoped loving life and I hated everyone. I can't even tell you how many times i broke out in tears in my classes. 6

Now forwarding to 8th Grade year. I was way into The Japanese stuff. Loved it, it's what made me happy. When people found out they started telling me I should just leave the U.S. now. That I shouldn't be able to live in the U.S. and love another culter. They told me i should burn in hell for such a like. Then i started to think, that yeah maybe I should burn in hell. It just kept getting worse and worse. I never talked about it to anyone. Kept it all in.Then I started to hate myself and everything about me.I hate how I looked and who I was. I hated my very exsistance. It hurt to breath because I know how stupid and ugly I really was.7

Now I'm a freshman in High School and I can't stand living. I hate myself even more. I've got to many things to worry about. Like Homework,ROTC,Drill,Academice,Art,Family,Boyfriend,Friends and fitting time in for myself. I'm not copeing so well when it comes to this part.Everything lately is making me really mad,sad or just depressed. I can't stay happy for a minuet.8

When the first wave of my depression set in i began to starve myself. I hated my body so much. I pinched every part of my body that I hated so hard it left a mark for a while. When that wasn't working for me i began to make myself do exercise and not eat togeather. 9

Then when the second wave set in I began cutting myself. It started out just a thing to do when i was sad, but i grew. It grew to were it was a quick fix for everything. The blood was my way out. To feel alive and be me see me for what I am.10

After that i got with people who were well addicts. One of my friends was a smoker. One was a drugy and another was an acholholic. I was always the one to say no' but it never was a good answer with them. 11

One of my female friends was bi. (wich is ok sice bi and gays are great people) She told me she had a crush on me. Kinda freaked me out a little since I wasn't ready for it; but I'm ok with it now.12

I've always wonder what my sexuality was. I'm now more confused than ever. My best friend is still inlove with me, she tell's me this everyday. Honestly she's saved my life quit a few times now.
Like she was the one person I could talk to about being raped by my older brother. He raped me more than once when i was 6. 13

Once I told her that she felt more incline to open up to me I guess. Since she told me her older brother tryed raping her many times too. 14

When I saw that we had that in common I was able to tell her about how my brother would beat me up (litteraly) for the heck of it. He's cracked my ribs 6 times. He's frackured my arm 4 times. He's brused and bloodied me up too many times too count. 15

I know i'm not the only one out there who has a older sibling who abuses you; but I've always felt like it. He was the only older brother who did it because he hated me. It was never to play around it was so he could hurt me.16

This is bit and peices of what made me go physco. (not sure if it's litteraly or not.) I'm still going down a rough road, but I hope sometime soon I'll find somthing to hold on too, to make me want to stick around for a few more years.17

Now let's get more into my school life. Hmmmm it's totaly not the best at all. My grades suck like no tommorow. I don't know what to do. My parents are on me like every minuet of everyday. To make sure my grades are perfect. I feel like my mom wants me to be perfect like my step dad. (there's no way that's gonna happen)18

At school all the teachers know my step dad and they think I should be a perfect student. Like my math teacher. She was and is inlove with my step dad. She tell's me everyday, that I need to be quoat. "Sarah you need to be more like Dan, he was such a great student. I wish his greatness would rub off on you." She's such a *bunny* damn! I wish I could just for once be a good student on my own record; but no I have to be perfect so i keep dan's good record up.19

Well I guess i'll catch you up on what's been up lately. I've fallen for many guys but they were all the wrong ones. One of them beat me. The other one was well......just not right for me. Now i've found this guy who i love so much. He loves me bad.....(yes even with all my issues and craziness) ^_^ 20

Then my best friend Stole him from me. For the past three weeks we haven't talked. Then last night Friday March 28 she calls me in tears. Telling me they got into a fight because she got drunk and slept with this other guy. 21

Right now i'm not even telling you half of what eles happend, but i figured you really don't care.