Chapter One *Very Graphic*

I see things that normal people don't.  I can look into your eyes and see your fears and desires, your loves your hate.   I can feel how you feel before you may even understand it.  I have spent my life running from this fact, but sometimes something happens that makes you face your gift and deal with it.1

This is my story.2

I am a divorced father of two.  I haven't been able to see my kids in about three months because I got lost.  I got lost in someone else and trying to escape the torture has been hell on me.3

I have a gift that I would love to return.  I don't want it nor did I ask for it.  But here it is nonetheless.  4

I am a cop from San Jose, California.  I work the East Side, it's hard and sometimes scary.  I've seen things that make me scream into the night.  It ruined my life and destroyed my marriage.  I have seen poor little babies murdered by the very people who were susposed to love and protect them, I've seen the eldery raped and battered.  I've seen hookers dead on the side of the street and no one cares.  I've seen it all, I've seen too much.  5

On a hot day in July I was called to a scene where a local family had been killed.  As I walked up the steps to the two story house I knew something was wrong.  I felt cold even in the 95 degree weather.  I had chill cover my body and I didnt like it.  Suddenly I felt ill and I vomited in the bushes out side the house.  I have never done that in my fifteen years of service.  I wasn't even inside yet!  6

I walked inside the house and blood was everywhere.  A family of four had been murdered and the killer or killers used their blood to paint the phrase "niggers must die" all over the house.  I hate that word, it's a digusting word.  I looked into the bedroom and there was a couple that appeared to be in their mid-thirties laying in an eternal embrace, eyes bulging in fear I had to leave the man's penis had been cut off and hasn't been found as of yet.  The woman's nipples had been hacked off and super glued to her eyeballs God, it was heart wrenching. She had been sexually assulted and an egg beater stuck out from between her legs. 7

I went to a room that was decorated it pink and white.  Lace was everywhere.   There was a little girl there about the age of my daughter, ten or so I would guess.  She appeared to have been raped also, and I was shocked when I looked at her body.   Someone had hacked off all her toes and fingers and stuck them inside her I had to run outside to vomit again. 8

Once I had composed myself I went back inside, I wanted to see the last room and go home to my wife and kids.  Another officer stopped me before I could make it to the last bedroom.  9

"Listen, Joel, that room is the worst of all,” Stacy Kingston told me.  "You don't want to go in there, it's bad” Stacy was a cop in our division for 27 years, nothing scared her.  Nothing affected her.  She was a big woman and she struck fear into any suspect.  We loved to have her on Domestic Violence cases because even with her size the women felt safe to speak with her. 10

"Stacy, I just want to get this done," I sighed, "I want to go home and have a home cooked meal and kiss my kids good night."11

"Okay Joel,” Stacy hugged me and I was shocked.  She never showed affection on the job.  This was new and it scared me.  I mean really scared me.12

{end of chapter one.}13