The Atlantic Via Bathtub CH 4

Four months ago, in the deep depths of the Atlantic ocean, somewhere not far from Antarctica, was a clan of tiny sea snails, now one day, one of the snails, Slimyupolious, said to the other tiny sea snails, 'Brothers, a day will come, in which we must unite against our foes. A day will come in which we must fight! Fight the terrible foes, we mus–' He didn't get much further 'cause he broke wind, which underwater is very embarrassing, watching a little bubble pop out of... Well... The place where the sun don't shine. Anyway, everyone can see this bubble float up, and either go till it hits the surface, or something breaths it in, or it can get caught under something, and sit there for all to see. The former happened. But wait, he stopped talking, 'cause all the little sea snails started laughing at him, and they left. Couldn't be bothered listening to a snail that couldn't get through a speech with out the breaking of wind. So yeah, you can see why he stopped.1

Back to the bubble. It floated up, moving swiftly through the water, like it wanted to get to the surface faster, and spread the smell to the world. Down here it was rather confined, I mean, sure, you could see it, but that wasn't the same as smelling. So this little bubble of broken wind travelled never faster upward. 2

Until! It came to a fish, just a small one, and it past the gills, just as the little fish breathed in, the bubble entered. The fishes eyes widened as it realised what it had swallowed. It started choking, (don't ask how, I don't know how a fish choking) suddenly, it died, the broken wind passing through it's lungs and into it's blood stream, ultimately killing it.3

Now scientists have debated how a tiny sea snails broken wind could kill a fish, and the only thing they could agree on was to have coffee with their slice.4

But that still leaves a dead fish floating somewhere deep in the Atlantic, so, enter a bigger fish, with racing stripes and bright yellow speedos. His name is Bigusfishyindaseasus, and it sees the little fish floating there, it's thoughts run as such, 'Oo-o-o-o-o f-f-free f-f-f-ood.' (This is because the Atlantic is very cold, and Bigusfishyindaseasus was only wearing speedos, bright yellow ones, for what reason? We can not even begin to fathom) Bigusfishyindaseasus then eats the little fishy killed from broken wind. 5

Bigusfishyindaseasus continues his trip north, toward the Antarctic, which he heard was a pretty cool place, and being a cool sort of fish, he thought he might check it out, see if there where any hot fishies. (His logic is not to be questioned, one might break the delicate balance in the time space continuum by doing so) A few days and a few slaps from various hot fishies he tried to hit on, he comes to the Antarctic. Which you have to admit, is pretty cool.6

He stopped the nearest fish and asked, 'W-w-where's t-t-the c-closest pub?'7

The other fish, who was in actual fact a whale, a killer whale to be somewhat more precise, said nothing. He just stared at Bigusfishyindaseasus for a moment, wondering what those gaudy yellow things on him was, then decided that it probably wouldn't affect the taste that much, and ate him.8

The whale, Badeatertheworst instantly regretted eating the strange fish in yellow what's-its. As he developed a nasty stomach ache. 9

The scientists, who by this time had finish coffee and slice and had gotten back working out strange things like why whales got stomach aches from fish in yellow speedos, who ate little dead fishies, who had died from breathing broken wind from tiny sea snails, decided that it was probably because when the fish in speedos reached the whales stomach, and the stomach acid started to dissolve the fish in speedos, and then it reached the un-dissolved little fishy, which was un-dissolved 'cause the bigger fish was lacking in stomach acid, some of the scientists said he lacked the guts, but it was really only the acid he lacked, which was why he was so large, all the food went in, and kinda didn't go out 'cause it was to big to fit out... Erm, yeah, but you can't really take that lot very seriously, they're the ones who say that you have to have your coffee really white with sugar.10

Anyway, the little fishy killed from broken wind had started to get rather rotten, and smelly by this time. As the tiny bit of broken wind left in the little fishy came in contact with the whales stomach acid, it 'caused a miniature explosion. Which made a hole in the side of the whales intestines, which as you can imagine would be rather painful.11

So Badeatertheworst swam around in circles for a few days before his stomach dissolved 'cause the acid leaked out, and he died.12

Three days latter a research SSMBT (Steam Sub Marine Boat Thingy) found said whale, and managed to get him aboard. (This is where all the scientists come in) So deep in the hold of this SSMBT three of the scientists got to work disecting the whale, to find out all that you found out as you just read above. But they worked everything into millions of years ago. And this whale had somehow managed, against all odds, to remain unfrozen for the past thirty million years, and had been floating around fresh in the Antarctic all that time.13

As they delved deeper into the whale, the rest of the scientists came to have a sticky beak, even the one sailing the SSMBT. So they all stood around eating slice and drinking coffee well the three scientists who where there first (the ones who drink weak coffee with sugar) spouted off their ideas of what happened. 14

They were having a ball of a time until the SSMBT hit something. The scientists all started blaming each other for bumping their elbows and making them spill their coffee. Except for the one who had been cutting the whale up, he blamed them all for making him cut his arm off.15

None of them thought it might be a good idea to see what they'd run into, and see if there was any damage, they all figured it was much more fun to stand around hypothesising as to what just happened.16

So as they did that, water flooded through the great big hole in the side of the SSMBT and drowned them all. 17

700 metres above them, on top of the ice shelf that they'd run into, a penguin turns to his friend, 'Hey dude, did you feel that?'18

'Yeah man, it was sick as,' said his buddy19

'Wonder what it was,' mused the first.20

'Hey look! Food!' exclaimed his friend.21

They waddled off to see if it tasted good. 22

The ground shuddered again, and a crack becomes visible. Predictably it is right where the two penguin had been standing, but they had to move 'cause the author isn't allowed to kill them. TCAFPS (The Cute And Fluffy Preservation Society) would take him out and hang him if he did. 23

So while these two penguins waddle to find food, a snow bunny hops out of its hole. It blinks a couple of dozen times, staring at the crack in front of it, which is getting bigger fast, and then at the two penguins who had found food by this time, and were arguing about who got the head of the fish, and who got the tail. It shock it's fluffy little head and decided that it didn't want to be here when the ice shelf fell into the ocean. So it backs up a few paces, and then bounds forward, as it nears the crack it jumps, the wind whistles through it fuzzy fur as it soars through the air, and fails to reach the other side and falls down the crack and splatters all over the ice far below.24

The impact of the little fuzz ball on the ice is enough to give it that little nudge it needed to send it falling into the ocean. Where it floated south.25

***26

Four months later, on the bridge of the largest cruise liner in the world, the RMS (Really it's My Ship) the Titanic, someone said, 'Hey look at that guys!' he exclaimed excitedly, pointing out the window.27

Everyone rushed to the window and stared in the direction he is pointing.28

'It's a bathtub!' said the helmsman.29

'Yeah, and it's got someone in it.'30

'Hey, what's all this then? Shouldn't you all be at your posts?' asked the Captain as he strode into the room.31

Everyone stayed glued to the window. 'There's a bathtub out there, and someone in it!' 32

'A what? Bathtub? I thought I told you guys no drinking on duty,' snapped the Captain.33

'No really, come have a look,' the helmsman said.34

The Captain walked to the window and stared out. 'My goodness!'35

'Yeah, I know, so random isn't it, a bathtub in the middle of the ocean,' snickered the helmsman.36

'No you idiot!' thundered the Captain, 'There's an iceberg dead ahead!'37

The helmsman's face fell, 'Oh...'38

The bridge went into panic mode, people yelling, the Captain screaming blue murder and trying to hit the helmsman well everyone else tried to get him to stop hitting the helmsman as he was the only one who could steer the ship, they'd all failed their ship driving courses, so they where just chartpeople.39

There was an almighty crunch as the Titanic ground along the side of the iceberg. 40

'Oh bugger,' whimpered the helmsman, and ran off the bridge as fast as his legs could carry him, the Captain in hot pursuit. 'Get back here you... You.. Little piece of–' his voice faded off as he rounded the corner, and the ship lurched, sending him flying over the railings and into the iceberg.41

Now there were two red stains on the icebergs mighty side.42

***43

Pete's eyes snapped open at the sound of the ship hitting the iceberg. He leapt off the chair and almost ran outside.44

He joined John by the side, 'Well, that's going to leave a nasty dent,' he mused.45

John just stared at it wide eyed, to shocked to say anything.46

'I reckons they might be sinking.'47

'Shouldn't, shouldn't we try save them?' asked John, sounding somewhat panicked.48

'Save them? There's no room laddy,' said Pete sadly.49

'But we can't leave them!'50

'I know it's hard John, but there's nothin' we can do for them, they is gonna have to work it out on their owns.'51

John's lip trembled as a thought struck him. 'That wasn't Dad and Mum's ship was it?' he asked, nervously, almost to scared to find out the answer.52

Pete stared at him a long moment, before replying, 'I doubt it lad, your parents ship was ahead of the storm, they'd be way north of us by now.' He hoped he sounded convincing, 'cause he wasn't entirely sure that is wasn't John's parents ship. 'Come on, I'll show you how to steer Bootle, and you can do that, well I get some sleep, eh?' 53

John nodded slightly. Unable to drag his eyes away from the sinking ship. Hoping against hope that it wasn't his parents ship.