John opened his eyes slowly, groaned and sat up. He felt stiff, a fact which didn't surprise him much when he realised that he was on the floor, having probably rolled off sometime during the night in the storm. 1
The sun was shining through the little porthole in the side of the cabin, it looked like the storm was over.2
He staggered to his feet and shivered, it was cold. He searched the cabin till he found Pete's clothes stash, and pulled on a jumper about two times to large for him, but it was warm. He walked to the door, pushed it open and stepped out onto the deck.3
'Afternoon laddy,' said Pete without turning from his spot at the helm.4
'Afternoon?' John asked, puzzled. 'I thought it was morning.'5
'Nah, afternoon, the suns almost set.'6
John looked at the sun, sure enough it was setting. 'How long have I been asleep then?7
Pete laughed. 'Ye been asleep for awhile.'8
John nodded, not bothered with finding out exactly how long he'd been asleep for 'When did the storm end?'9
'It finished less then an hour ago lad.'10
'Ahh, it didn't last all that long then,' said John, he'd been expecting it to last a few days at least.11
'Ah-hah! Not that long... It was goin' for three days.'12
'Three days?' asked John aghast. 'But, I don't remember all that, don't say I was asleep for three whole days!'13
'Ok.'14
John looked puzzled. 'Ok what?'15
'Ok I won't say you been asleep for three days.'16
'Oh... So I was, was I?'17
'Aye.'18
'But how could I have slept for three days without waking?'19
'Very tired?' suggested Pete somewhat lamely.20
John sighed and shook his head, still to much asleep to be bothered working it out. 'What's for dinner?'21
Pete stood silently for a minute, squinting into the sun. He then grabbed a rope and lashed the tiller in place. Turning to John he said, 'Lets go find out eh?' He grinned cheerfully and strode past him and down into the cabin. John followed.22
'Let me see, we has beans, sausages, spam, eggs, bacon, spam, beans, spam, sausages, spam, eggs, spam, oh, and then we have spam. So what do you want?' Pete asked as he rummaged through a cupboard below his bunk, which appeared to be full of cans.23
'Erm, beans?'24
'Ahh, good choice lad,' said Pete. He grabbed a can and stood up. 'Beans it is then.' He opened the can and sent the contents splashing into the saucepan on the stove. 'Would you set the table laddy? The spoons are in the chest there,' he said pointing to the chest next to him.25
John nodded and opened the chest and rummaged around till he found the spoons. As he was rummaging, he noticed a book, a dairy by look of it. He made a mental note to go back and check it out later.26
Grabbing the spoons he slammed the chest shut and stood up.27
As he turned, he found himself face to chest with Pete, he looked up.28
'Found me dairy eh?' asked Pete.29
'Umm... Err... I saw it in there I guess, yeah,' mumbled John startled.30
'Aye, well, leave it alone, it's not for little kids.' He patted John on the head then said, 'Beans is ready.' He held up the pot.31
John blinked like an owl caught in the light. 'Umm, Ok.' He placed the spoons on the table and sat down.32
Pete sat down opposite him and placed the saucepan on the table. 'Dig in,' so saying, he picked up his spoon and did just that, dug in.33
John stared at him a moment, then followed suit.34
They sat in silence, eating ravenously, this being the first real meal they'd both had in three days.35
'So where do you come from?' John asked casually once they'd cleaned the saucepan of every last bean.36
'Me? I come from the place I was before I was here.'37
Frowning John said, 'No, I mean, where were you born.'38
'Ohh. I was born in London.' He leant back against the wall and shut his eyes.39
'Ah.' He lapsed into silence. 40
'I say, do you know where about we are?' John asked, as he stared out the window, the iceberg that he'd just spotted making him curious as to where.41
'Dunno, got blown north a bit by the storm. Why?' 42
'There's an iceberg floating by us,' said John somewhat flatly.43
'Ah,' Pete didn't sound the least be interested, he shut his eyes again.44
A minute later the sound of snores could be heard through out the cabin. The last few days steering the boat through the storm had left Pete rather tired.45
John stood up and went out side, leaving Pete to sleep. He stood by the side and stared out to sea, wondering what his parents where doing well he was here, probably partying he thought darkly. 46
A tear trickled down his cheek, how could they have left him? It wasn't like he was a disobedient child, he tried to do what they said, but sometimes he would just be over come with an urge to go explore something. That didn't go down well with them, they got so worried about him.47
He sighed and wiped the tear away. Oh how he missed them.48
Behind him, a brightly lit shape loomed, in a sort of Titanicy way.
Author notes
Chapter three!
In a list
Anything you think needs fixing, please point it out!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Pete's a bit clueless, isn't he? *laughs* He actually reminds me of a bum in Dublin who asked me to marry him on the streets, then asked for spare change when I turned him down. That's who I'm picturing Pete as. *laughs quite a lot* Anyways, this wasn't the most action-packed chapter, but it does a good job of setting up a lot of possibilities for later chapters and transitioning, as well as giving insight into these two characters. You could spend a little more time on characterization through dialogue, if you wanted, but Pete doesn't seem too apt to talk, so I think it works as is as well.
Again, I tried not to focus on every little detail as far as editing this piece while reading, since I know you wrote it NaNoWriMo style, which precludes immediate editing. Also again, I am willing to comb this for nits sometime in the future, after you've had another editorial sweep on it yourself, if you so wish. There are a few notes I couldn't keep to myself, though (I know, what's new, right? *laughs*).
Notes:
* As in your previous chapter, I keep seeing places where you've slammed two sentences together into one, with a comma between then. For instance, in paragraph 2. You should really separate those out - if you want me to quite ragging on you, that is.
* Para 6: "the sun's almost set" needs that apostrophe, since technically "sun's" is a contraction of "sun has." Not an average every-day contraction, eh?
* Para 21: "still to much asleep" I believe you should be using "too" instead of "to." *nods*
* Paras 26 and 29: I doubt he has a dairy stored in his trunk - if he did, they'd be eating ice cream for dinner. *laughs* I believe you mean "diary" - one of those little journal things that people scribble notes in.
* Para 39: Is "leant" even a word? *laughs* I think it should be "leaned."
* Para 46: "well he was here" - "well" should be "while."
* Para 49: I'm not even going to complain about the word "Titanicy" because, let's face it, it's a great made-up word and explains the situation soundly. Sounds like something I would say, actually. *laughs*
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Hello Dan, figured I would catch this early before it gets too close to Friday
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The plot is moving right along, maintaining its brisk and lively style that you introduced from the beginning.
The flow is smooth, the dialogue humorous but understandable and these two characters act and speak true to the personalities you gave them.
I enjoy the comedy you mingle with the child’s serious plight
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Did a bit of editing (it’s habit) You might want to look at these:
'Nah, afternoon, the suns (sun’s sun is) almost set.'6
John nodded, not bothered with finding out exactly how long he'd been asleep for(.) 'When did the storm end?'9
John sighed and shook his head, still to(too) much asleep to be bothered working it out. 'What's for dinner?'21
'Let me see, we has beans, sausages, spam, eggs, bacon, spam, beans, spam, sausages, spam, eggs, spam, oh, and then we have spam. (Span is a brand and should be capitalized.)
(‘ So what do you want?' Pete asked as he rummaged through a cupboard below his bunk, which appeared to be full of cans.23
. As he was rummaging, he noticed a book, a dairy (diary) this needs to be corrected since the narrator is telling us.
On this one it could be corrupted speech? 'Found me dairy (darrie or ‘Dairy’ eh?' asked Pete.29
He stood by the side and stared out to sea, wondering what his parents where (were) doing well (while) he was here,
he tried to do what they said, but sometimes he would just be over come (overcome) with an urge to go explore something.
Geri
plot: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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ooh, poor John!
i really want to know what is in that diary, and whether they hit an iceberg or something!
no grammar errors in this one
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I dunno if I end up saying what's in the dairy... You'll have to find out.
No grammar errors? Awesome. Considering this entire novel was written in one month. Haha.
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in the dairy you'll find milk and butter and cheese...
In the diary--I do hope words and I hope John gets to read them so we can peek .
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