The crowd bustled and shoved their way onto the ship. Trying to get under cover before the rain really set in. It was spitting, and that was enough to take the nice side of everyone. Which combined with the smog was why most of them were leaving London, and England.1
'Come on John, stop dawdling,' Mary Rendrige said, nudging her ten year old sons shoulder, in an attempt to get him to stop staring at the freight cranes, which had caught his attention moments earlier. 2
'Yes mum,' he mumbled, trying to drag his eyes away from them. John was a rather short for his age, no more then 4 foot 4 inches. Along with sandy blond hair, and dark brown eyes, he was vast contrast of his parents, who were both tall with had near black hair and blue eyes. But they were all alike in skin colour, pale, white un-sun touched skin.3
When they reached the boarding ramp, the porter at the base stopped them. 'Show your tickets please,' he said, sounding bored out of his life.4
'Ah, tickets,' muttered Douglas Rendrige, as he patted his coat pockets. He frowned, unable to feel them. Turning to his wife he said, 'Didn't I give them to you Mary?' 5
She looked at him in surprise. 'I don't think so, we'll have to check the bags.'6
The courtier sighed and frowned at them, obviously annoyed at the hold up. 'Look,' he said, 'There's a spot over there where you can search you bags, and let the people through.' He pointed off to the right, away from the boarding people. 7
Douglas nodded. 'Come on family, better hurry and find those tickets.' He made his way to where the courtier had pointed them, and set the bags down. He and crouched down next to them, Mary didn't her long dress making it hard to crouch. She stood and watched as Douglas searched the bags, pointing out where he should be looking, and did he try that pocket?8
John kicked a pebble lying on the ground, and stared around, bored. His eyes caught sight of the cranes again. How did they work? All those gears and pulleys, is must be fascinating to operate them. He turned and looked at his parents, they were both frantically trying to find the tickets, their voices were raising slowly. They were a mild mannered couple, but the whole moving to another country was enough to get anyone stressed. And the loss of the tickets did not help. 9
So engrossed were they, that they didn't notice John slip away, and head toward the cranes. 10
'Ahh! Here we go,' exclaimed Douglas, triumphantly flourishing the tickets.11
'Good. Try not to loss them again, please?' said Mary, her voice softening slightly, now that they were found. 12
Douglas hurriedly shoved everything he had pulled out of the bags back in. 'Come on, lets go,' he said as he grabbed the bags and stood.13
Walking quickly he headed back to the boarding ramp, Mary pulled up her skirts so they didn't drag on the ground and rushed after him. 14
By the time they reached the the porter, the crowd had thinned, they were the last in line. 15
'Tickets please,' said the bored porter.16
'Here you go.' Douglas handed the tickets over.17
The porter glanced quickly at them, not bothering to take in any details on them. 'Fine, on you go. Hurry though, we're leaving soon.' He punched a hole in the tickets, and handed them back. 18
Douglas took them, shoved them in his pocket and picked up their luggage. 'America, here we come.' He charged up the ramp,19
John stared up at the crane towering over him in awe. It was picking up a crate at the moment, its long multi-jointed arm bending as it moved down to pick up the crate. Nearing it, its claw like hand opened up and it grabbed the crate. Swiftly it moved up and swung around, extending slightly to reach over the ships hull. It dumped the crate in the ship and came back for another one. 20
'Hey kid, fascinating machines isn't they? No one to run 'em, they does the job by themselves.' The old man crouched down beside John and squinted at him. 'You lost or somethin'?'21
John stared at him a moment before answering, taking in the unshaven beard, messy and somewhat curly hair, and the strong smell of tobacco. 'I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am,' he paused a moment before continuing. 'Yes, they are fascinating. How do they work?'22
The old man laughed heartily. 'Well if you ain't lost, then that's fine. Let me tell you how they is run. Shall we sit?' He pointed to a crate just behind them.23
John looked at the crate and nodded, he stepped back and sat down on it.24
The old man sat down by him. 'So what's yer name kid?'25
'John, John Rendrige. What's yours?' 26
'John,' he rolled the name round his mouth a bit. 'Good strong name that.' He nodded. 'Well, Peter C. Hayward, at yer service, but you can call me Pete.'27
John smiled. 'Ok Pete. So, how do the cranes work?' 28
'Well now, they is run by steam you see? They have these like tube things which when you load with steam, it pushes 'em out. Makes the arm longer see?–' John nodded– 'Well, when they wants to go shorter, they let the steam out of one end, and fills the other end with steam. Making it shorter.' He slammed his hands together to demonstrate what he meant. 'The same goes for all the other joints and stuff, ye fill tubes with steam to get the fingers on the claw to move in and out, and everything. Very clever, but, you know the best bit?' 29
'Umm, you don't need someone to run it?' John ventured.30
Pete stared at him in surprise, 'How'd you know that?' 31
'You told me just before.' John answered.32
'Oh? Did I?' Pete shook his head and smiled sadly. 'Aye, me memory ain't what it used to be. Anyways, they got these newfangled contraptions in 'em which works somethin' like a brain, it sees what it's doin'.'33
'Machines that think?' asked John his face lighting up at the thought.34
Pete glared at the crane, distrust creeping over his weathered face. 'You can't trust a machine that thinks, that's what I says.' 35
'But I thought you said that that was the best bit?'36
'Aye, tis good 'cause you don't have to try get them lazy slobs that works the docks to do anything. But a machine that thinks is, well, it just ain't natural.'37
'Ah, I see. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, eh?'38
'Aye, so true, so true.' Pete lapsed into silence.39
John turned his attention back to the crane, watching in the deep fascination that comes so naturally to ten year old boys. So engrossed was he, that he didn't notice the whistle blowing, and the voice yelling, 'All aboard! Next stop America.' He didn't notice the ship which his parents where on start to pull away from the docks. It was behind him, so not his fault he didn't see.40
He and the old man just sat in silence, Pete in though, John engrossed in the crane.41
'Well, this is it Mary,' Douglas said as he smiled at his wife, his arm round her shoulder as they stood at the railings. 'leaving England for good, to make a new life in a new country.' He kissed her lightly on the cheek, and stared out to the horizon.42
Mary smiled happily to herself, they had done it, moved away from the big city of London, away from the smell, the smog, the noise. Now John would be able to play outside, get sunshine, grow up healthy and strong. She turned to look at John. Her smile faded slightly. 'Douglas, where's John?'43
The tone of her voice snapped in instantly out of his revere. 'I don't know. Wasn't he with us when we bordered? Maybe he went off to explore, you know what kids are like,' the cheerful note in his voice was forced, and Mary wasn't fooled for a second. 'Douglas, we've left him behind! I can't believe it, we were so caught up with losing the tickets we forgot him. Oh Douglas, what have we done?' A tear trickled down her cheek.44
'Don't worry, he's probably fine, we'll just go and explain to the captain what's happened, he'll understand.' He gave her a quick hug. 'Don't worry honey, he'll be fine. He's a smart kid.'45
Mary smiled faintly at him. 'I know, but I'm still worried.'46
Five minutes later found them in with the captain.47
'I'm sorry sir, but I can't turn back now.'48
'But my son is still on those docks! He's only ten, we can't leave him!' Douglas almost shouted, the captains refusal to go back had taken him by surprise, and Mary was starting to quiver, it wouldn't be long before her demure broke.49
The captain sighed and rubbed his hands across his eyes. 'I know sir, I am well aware that you don't want to leave him, but I can't turn back now, there is a storm brewing, and I have to get past it before it hits. It's a big one, I mean, I haven't heard of one this side in all my years of sailing, and if I turn back now, we will not make it past it, and we'll be stuck here for months possibly. A lot of these people don't have homes anymore, 'cause they've sold them, where will they stay? I can't turn back.' his voice softened, 'I know it's hard. I'll tell you what I can do, I'll send a message back to shore, they'll find your son, and look after him. No more can I do. I'm sorry.'50
Douglas sighed heavily. 'You're right, I know. I'm sorry for sounding harsh before, I'm just worried about him.'51
'No apologies needed. You've every right to act like you did. And I'm truly sorry I can't do more to help.' The captain offered a forced smile, as he turned to the man beside him. 'Sparks, got a note for you to send to shore.'52
John started. 'What time is it?' He spun around, the ship was gone. He panicked. 'Where are my parents? Mum? Dad?' he yelled.53
Peter jumped slightly at the sound of his voice. 'What be the problem Johnny boy?' 54
'The ship! It's gone, and my parents, they left me behind!' he wailed.55
'Now now, no need to fret lad, the ship's prolly still there, yer prolly just gettin' them mixed up. Come on, we'll go have a look eh?' He smiled encouragingly at John.56
John frowned. 'I know which ship it was, it was the one berthed right over there.' He pointed to an empty section of dock. 'I'm not entirely stupid you know.'57
Pete raised an eyebrow as they stood. 'Now, I don't recall ever havin' said nothin' about nobody bein' stupid. Now come on, we'll go see what's happened.'58
He strode off toward where the ship had been docked. John almost had to run to keep up.59
When they got there, there was no ship, just as John had said. He told Pete as much, 'I said it was gone, they forgot about me and left.' His lip trembled slightly.60
This drew a very worried look from Pete, who was starting to feel a bit out of his league in dealing with ten year old boys. 'Erm... They probably didn't forget you, somethin' musta happened and they got distracted, happens a lot, I should know.' He nodded.61
John glared at him. 'If they left me, they forgot me, doesn't matter what distracted them, they forgot.'62
Pete coughed. 'Well, yes. I suppose.' He coughed again to stop himself from saying anything like: "Well, they might not have forgotten you, just left you..."63
They stood in silence for a moment. Pete staring out to sea, wondering what to do with John. And John staring at Pete wondering what Pete was going to do with him. 64
'Ah! I'll sail you to them!' Pete grinned triumphantly at his brain wave.65
'You would do that for me?' asked John, trying to sound as if the thought had not struck him first.66
'Sure, I figures I was part ta blame in you forgettin' what with tellin' you about them cranes and all. 67
John didn't say anything, but the same thoughts had been running through his mind as well, he said this instead, 'Oh gosh, that's so kind of you. How can I ever thank you?' 68
'Err, well...' Pete thought for a moment, 'Ye can thank me by being my first mate. I needs one you see.' 69
John's face lit up, as he smiled in the sort of, he's-a-nice-chap-better-make-him-happy-after-all-I'm-stuck-here-if-I-don't. 'Make me first mate? Wow, I've never been a first mate, I'd love to be.'70
Pete grinned happily. 'Sure, you can be my first mate, tis a privilege to have ye aboard matey. Now lets go, before this storm hits.' His smile faded as he stared at the sky.71
Pete nodded, the storm did look nasty, and he was eager to be back with his parents. 'Where's your ship then? I don't have any bags, my parents have them, so if you got some spare clothes that'd be real nice, if not, I'm going to have to buy some more.'72
'Not to worry, I gots plenty of clothes you can use.' Pete said, 'Now com on, lets go.' He made his way to the right hand side of the docks, away from the cranes. John stood and thought for a moment, then followed.73
No sooner had they left then two men arrived at the spot. 'Ahh, he's not here, I don't know where's he's gotten off too, we've looked everyone,' said the first.74
'Aye, but we have to find him, Captain Doupree will have our heads if any harm comes to the lad,' said the second75
'Yeah, and he means it too. Let's try by the cranes, that sort of thing might interest a young lad.' 76
The second nodded in agreement, and they hurried off to the cranes.
Author notes
Hokay, so this is chapter one of my NaNo (NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month. nanowrimo.org) novel so it'll have things like grammar mistakes, and the like. But I'd love to hear what other details need fixing. How it flows, things like that. Enjoy!
My fav food is... Lasgana... or maybe Chilli Con Carn...
Something to brag about, besides writing a novel in a month? 
In a list
- NaNoWriMo group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Steampunk by dreamshell.
850 points, ended April 13, 2008, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Beginnings -prologues or chapter one- by Forgotten Anomaly.
875 points, ended July 2, 2008, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What A Novel Idea! by Valkyrie.
1800 points, ended October 17, 2008, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme Gimme Gimme by Luckyk.
228 points, ended April 8, 29 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Anything you think needs fixing, please point it out!
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Wow! this is alot different that some of your other stories I have read.. I like it. Not that I didn't like your other stories too. They always made me laugh.. I love your John character.. He has spunk.. Can't wait to read more.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Why thank you.
Yeah, this story was written so one of my younger brothers could read it. So a touch more suitable.
I have the rest of it all posted here, so you can read when you like.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
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You've got a good start here. I liked your characters, especially John, the young boy. I like the dialect you use in dialogue. It isn't too over the top. I was wondering, though, what point of view you are using. You go into the thoughts of a few characters. The omniscient view of the narrator isn't valued much today with the short attention span and all.
You asked what needs fixing. Here's some suggestions:
It was behind him, so not his fault he didn't see. This sentence is not necessary. It might be necessary to say his back was to the ship leaving, but the point of fault isn't necessary.
Wasn't he with us when we bordered? bordered should be boarded.
I haven't heard of one this side in all my years of sailing, side should be size
we've looked everyone, everyone should be everywhere
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This is a very good beginning. I'll have to bookmark this to come back to read more chapters.
Write On!
Beth
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Oh boy! I don't quite know what to say about this... ...I'm afraid I'm one of those horribly pernickety readers who find it very hard to get past bad grammar and punctuation, and this certainly has it in abundance! You freely admit this fact, yes, but surely, if you wish to receive a true and accurate critique, shouldn't you do the editing before posting it?
I don't intend to come across as being mean...just trying to establish some sort of standard of expectation on both sides!
Anyhooo...just one other point I'd like to raise (as a parent): For the sakes of reality, I feel the point in your story where the boy is left behind on the dock and the father has the interaction with the ship's captain, you really need to build up the anxiety and panic a parent would feel when he/she discovers their beloved child is lost. No reasonable parent would politely back down and say, 'You're right, I know. I'm sorry for sounding harsh before, I'm just worried about him.'
If you write about families going through emotional turmoil, you need to really inject some realism into their reactions, both descriptively and in your dialogue. This brings your reader far deeper into your story, and their enjoyment of it will be much more gratifying, ultimately. That's when you get all the accolades as a writer! (Or so I'm told).
So...you've nutted out the plot; you've got your characters; now you need to work on your emotional content, realism of reactive dialogue and you are defintely on the right track!
I hope this has been of some useful help to you.
Keep that pen moving!
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I have it up, so people can tell me things like this so I'm not chasing my tail in editing. 'Cause quite frankly I don't know where to start, so I ask for others' thoughts and go from there. Editing this is on a very long list of things to do. I'll get there one day.
Thank you very much for pointing those things out, I'll bear them in mind when editing comes around. It's hard to pack a huge deal of emotion into a piece when you've only got a month to write it.
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Ok, Danny, here's the thing. You admit you have grammar errors because this is a first draft. I can deal with that, despite the fact that there are quite a lot of them. *her editorial fingers twitch convulsively* Since you acknowledge them and (presumably) will edit many of them out in the second draft, I will reign in my editorial comments to be more content based in this instance. *reluctantly puts down her red pen*
That said, if you want an eye for grammar etc, let me know and I'll gladly rip this to shreds for you.
It's always hard to get a very good feel for where a story is going in the first chapter. I think this is a good start, though, and even though I can't entirely anticipate what's going to happen, I can assume that your comedic style will come through. It also seems kind of like a slightly different world than ours - is this meant to be written as an alternate history? Or even as steam punk or something? It's kinda cool - has a very unique feel to it, even though the story of parents losing their kid isn't all that unusual.
Two things to look at, outside of grammar et al. First, in paragraph 50 that captain says something about all of his "years of sailing." Let me point out that the only people who "sail" are the people who actually have sail boats. Boat types are very particular about this - it's just as bad as calling a ship a "boat." (And yes, that is a HUGE deal - my grandpa was a shipbuilder, so I know how much they actually care about this stuff ). Second, it seems like John speaks a bit maturely for being only 10 years old. A lot of his dialogue seemed old for him, but the line that really bit back was "Stuck between a rock and a hard place, eh?" I've never heard a 10-year-old talk like that.
Anyways, overall I found this a very interesting universe and a premise that is very versatile. It was a very enjoyable read, despite the grammar. (Sorry, couldn't help it - one last grammar poke *laughs*)
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Morning Dan, already commented but I'll give you some good wishes any way.
Geri
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Hehe. Thanks.
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man, I had this excellent comment and then it crapped out on me. ARgh! So, in summation, it was good. Grammar errors, yes! But you forewarned! Interesting story, and I'm curious to see where you take this...heck you even had some humor which always helps!
This comment was not near as cool as the one I had written but hey...what do you do?
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Dang, hate writing up comments and it crapping out. So annoying.
Glad you enjoyed the story, hopefully the rest will be as good. Over the next 20 weeks I'll be posting it in the group. Haha.
Thanks for reading and comment!
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Hi Dan, do wish you had posted this sooner—it’s Friday and I have run out of time—Brooke’s getting too close with her zapper
.
Reading you work is always fun—I enjoy it and I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful this time.
You have a good talent for conveying humor along with some darn serious stuff. You have made this losing of the boy and his falling in with Pete comical; while in reality the idea is appalling. Of course I’m not certain what year this took place—but wouldn’t there have been an extra ticket (they had tickets) to remind them when they boarded.
I couldn’t do a complete job of editing but you might look at these:
'Come on John, stop dawdling,' Mary Rendrige said, nudging her ten year old sons (ten-year-old son’s) shoulder (unless she has more than one.) That might account for her losing John
Swiftly it moved up and swung around, extending slightly to reach over the ships (ship’s) hull. It dumped (dumped —so why bother with a crane just shove it in.).
I mean, I haven't heard of one this side (size) make it past it, and we'll be stuck here for months
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Heh, yeah, was a bit late that week.
I'm glad you enjoy it.
Eh, tickets... dang, you found a weak spot... that bit is really giving me trouble, how the crap to do it realistically?
The time frame is late 1800s/early 1900s. Exact date I don't know.
They use a crane 'cause it weighs to much? *Laughs*
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!
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This has a lot of grammar and spelling errors. I won't get into it though.
You need to break things into well destictive paragraphs; by the looks of it you might just need to click the fix line spacing thing under edit or something otherwise its hard to tell where one begins and ends. Otherwise I thought it was rather good. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. -
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Thanks for sloggin' through. I'm aware it's rather painful if oyu read with your grammar glasses on. But I entered because I had the whole thing written, and was curious if it was good enough to make you want to read more. Does it? I'm very curious about that. This is the first story like this I've written, wrote it for my little brother.
I hate not having line indents, in the text program, it's easy to read, but here, when it removes all line indents, makes it hard... I'll fix that.
Anyway, thanks for the read and comment, I hope to have this polished one day, but that day is not in sight. *sigh* -
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Yes I beleive I will read more of this. I think it could get very interesting. I'll add it to the list of stories to continue once the contest has ended. I found it interesting enough that it would be worth continuing; just to see what happens next.
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Thanks. I'd love to know what oyu think of the rest, just try ignore the grammar, it'll help.
ANything of yours you'd like reading? I'll put it on my list of stuff to read.
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As you yourself pointed out, there are some grammatical issues which could be fixed up, as well as a few awkward-sounding sentences, but the overall idea is intriguing. I'm curioius to see where it goes.
Good luck in the contest.
--dreamshell-- -
Oh shoot. I had the review nearly done and my computer crashed!!! I'll have to do this later when I can stand to do it all over again. Sorry.
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Dang, don't ya just hate it when that happens? Man, I hate having to rewrite stuff, so I know how you feel.
I really do appreciate that you've been taking the time to do this, and I look forward to when you feel like writing it again
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constructive crittism
well, there is a little mistake at first in "'Come on John, stop dawdling,' Mary Rendrige said, nudging her ten year old sons shoulder"
for it should be "her ten year old son's shoulder", notice the 's thingy
and um, at the end of the third paragraph when it says, 'Pete in though' instead of 'Pete in thought'
well, after that i am hooked
poor John, they left the boy all alone
ive had that feeling before
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Woot! Thanks!
Hey, thanks for reading, and pointing them things out. If that was all that was wrong with it, not bad for a first draft I say
I hope you enjoy the rest of the novel as much!
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