Some Musings on Hell

Logicopolis was a bustling city. Everywhere the eyes gazed the sky was filled with the commotion of a hundred thousand points of light: lights on the aircars, the customary mode of transportation around these parts. There were also skybuses and magnetotrams, not to mention the tubes. The tubes…yes, an interesting mode of transportation, but not quite as effective as the ambitious plans the skylabs had for developing teleportation devices.1

Logicopolis was like many other cities in these parts, equipped with millions upon millions of intelligent beings of all races: humans, pleiadians, Maldorians, Haeldorites, and all manner of beings from worlds with languages one couldn’t even begin to translate into something intelligible to a mere human being. The various races of the world got along fine, it was a world without dogma, without religion, without ignorance and prejudice, where all were encouraged to partake of the joys of reason, science, progress, and the pursuit of the self.2

Such were the ways of Hell. Yes, this world was indeed the Hell foretold by that human from earth, Jesus Christ; just one among many messengers of that jealous, petty little self-stylized “God” who fancied himself a master of the universe.3

The inhabitants of Hell had long since come to understand that the threats of “fire” and “damnation” were empty, that this world was, indeed, exactly what the religious-minded feared: A world without God. A world without morality, without right and wrong, without a singular truth, without a prescription everyone could esteem to become as if everyone’s ideal were the same. A world that had no need for faith and no need for the false promise of eternal “bliss”, as if such a thing were even desirable. Here the species were free to pursue their interests without the artificial social constraints of the worlds they once dwelled in.4

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I asked one Maldorian about the religions of his world, and it was no surprise when he told me all about the doctrine of “Toltorec”, a vicious dogma imposed on the people of that world providing each and every one of them with an “absolute truth” that defied logic and forced everyone to embrace it upon penalty of death in this life and the fear of damnation in the next. This particular Maldorian had been a scientist – in their world, such beings were condemned as heretics, and hunted mercilessly. No scientific progress was allowed to take place, and even after 6 billion years of roasting away beneath their tired little sun they hadn’t advanced an inch beyond the wheel and the mud hut.6

“Toloria is the only truth. The Book of Toltorec is the absolute truth of the universe. The great god Toloria created all with a sweeping gesture of his divine hand. The first Maldorians did not “evolve” through some horrid scientific heresy, as the Outcasts would fain teach you! NAY! We were conjured from the very bowels of the earth, coughed up like phlegm and spat upon the surface by the grace of the mighty Toloria!”7

Such was their truth. Scientific inquiry was impossible. Despite the warnings of heretical astronomers that an asteroid was approaching and unless they made preparations they’d all perish, the clergy refused to listen, condemning all who came forward with such obvious lies. Condemned as false prophets, every last one of them was to be hung…only, that was the day the asteroid was due to hit, and as the sky lit up and the massive, hurtling rock plummeted towards the Maldorians the heretics had one moment’s satisfactory of seeing the astonished expressions on the faces of the clergy before the world went red in the sudden cataclysm that consumed them.8

Next thing this Maldorian knew, he was in Hell, and fortunate enough for him the masses of idiotic Maldorians who had perished in the catastrophe that befell his home world were nowhere to be found.9

Meanwhile, in their version of paradise, Lothantros, all the poor Maldorians were bent over in servitude to their master, a bulbous monstrosity of a being with an almost tangible aura of ego surrounding it, demanding praise and servitude and gloating in the glory of a hundred billion Maldorian voices reluctantly praising it for eternity as Lothantians – “angels”, if you will – flew amidst them brandishing whips and flails to remind all of Toloria’s creations that they were made in his glory and should be forever thankful that he was kind enough not to send them to hell.10

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Satan is quite a character. Cynical, sardonic, humorous, extremely intelligent, and yes, the expected pride could be seen in him, but it was certainly well deserved. Never the egomaniac God was, he demanded no worship, but merely that the inhabitants of is land employ their gift of free will to the very best of their abilities12

The native inhabitants, devils, are quite easy to get along with. The earth’s popularized descriptions of them as spiny red fiends are way off the mark. They are, in fact, “fallen” angels who took it upon themselves to escape Heaven at the first opportunity, having no stomach for the brutal sadism of Jehovah, who demanded that those angels taking a break from their endless singing and horn-blowing fly about ensuring all his faithful minions were in a suitable state of bliss … that is, prostrated in eternal worship of his greatness. Those who refused to comply were cast out, never to be seen from again, but Jehovah paid little attention to the events going on in Hell. Besides, he was no omnipotent god, so he couldn’t very well see the events going on there without going on a road trip, and you could rest assured he’d never get up out of his holy chair to take a look at what else was going on. All that matters to him was that his particular planet’s inhabitants were busy gathering more souls for him to fan his pride with, though he occasionally took a little trip to earth to spread a plague here or there or wipe out a village. He especially enjoyed the screams of the little girls being molested by his followers. Being your typical fiend, he held women, the physically weaker of the two genders, in less esteem, their clingy, motherly natures disgusting him. Men, on the other hand, with their knack for control, their striving for power, and their tendency for violence truly caught his interest.13

Anyway, Jehovah makes an interesting topic of discussion, but…ahh yes, the devils. Devils are charming creatures. The “devils” who escaped from heaven are only one of a multitude of formerly enslaved beings who escaped from their cruel cosmic masters. There are and have been thousands of heavens and thousands of fiendish creatures promising them to stupid little mortal creatures crawling about on the hunks of rock floating in space. Devils from Jehovah’s heaven look very much like humans, actually, though they comprise less than a fraction of a thousandth of a percent of all the different outcasts of all the various heavens. Nonetheless, I find myself associating with them quite a bit, for their tales of the heaven I would have gone to had I remained under the oppression of its fiend are quite interesting.14

One of my devil friends, a woman by the name of Zaranthalaius – or Zara, for short – is very happy that she left heaven.15

“Now I can play all types of instruments: guitars, keyboards, hey, I even get to do rap and use synthesizers down here!” She was telling me, “It’s much better than heaven, where the only instruments are harps, huge horns that strain the arms, and the occasional piano to churn out those horrid church hymns!”16

She’s an excellent guitarist, by the way.17

At any rate, Hell is quite the place. Gardens stretch for miles across the vast expanses of the underworld, while skylabs float about, courtesy of the plethora of scientists who rush in daily…heretics all. Skylabs exist mainly to provide new and innovative technology, with holographic interactive libraries and vast chemistry labs where all sorts of potions and brews are concocted…some merely for fun.18

Skylabs aren’t the only place of interest, though. No….there are Skytheatres, floating art galleries, vast museums zipping along on levitation jets,  all manner of restaurants with cuisine from all over the known universe, sports arenas, and my personal favorite, the vast pleasure houses, providing one with everything from steam baths to zero-gravity rooms to sprawling luxurious cushioned foyers for the massive orgies that take place.19

Yes, Hell is a wonderful place, full of mathematicians and musicians, scientists and skeptics, pagans and Buddhists, indigenous tribal folks who never heard the truth of this or that One True Savior, and all manner of intelligent alien races that never developed or discarded their One True Religion. A wonderful place where everyone is free to do as they see fit, though the psychotic killers here and there find it quite troublesome that whoever they kill keeps on coming back.20