Silence

1

His silence was as deafening as the waterfall of thoughts and emotions he felt go through his mind.  They were too brief to keep track of and thus he blocked them out, turning a blind eye and deaf ear to them.  It took much of his energy to accomplish this and thus was the reason for his being mute at the time. 2

She stood before him, begging him with her eyes to just understand, to know her thoughts, but he could not, for his own mind consumed his attention.  A tension hung in the air like humidity on a hot day and it stifled the both of them.  An uneasiness settled between them, daring for either of them to break it. 3

“Do…do you even know?” 4

He turned his head in a gesture of inadequacy and simply said, “What?” 5

“My thoughts, my feelings…do you even know me?” 6

He stared at her, his hold on himself beginning to break.  A frown furrowed his brow, which was otherwise featureless and plain, like an earthquake destroying a field.  Please, not now… 7

            “Of course.” 8

Her eyes widened for a second and right then, she thought she heard something in his voice, something that penetrated the emotionless cloud that permeated about the room, choking off any sort of past good times.  She clung to that desperately, a raft in the middle of a raging sea. 9

“Do you?  Lately, you’ve just seemed…far away.  Lost.” 10

A chord, a single shot of awareness blasted his brain for a second and his raised his hand to his temple.  Pain…it was intolerable, and thus he blocked it out.  Wait…if it was pain, then why did he feel it?  No, it was something else, an emotion he’d long thought himself incapable of.  A wave of intense sadness and nausea spread through him and he closed his eyes, fighting it off.  No…he could not feel sad.  To feel sad was a sin, to feel remorse for his life was wrong.  Oh God, no… 11

            She saw his difficulties and felt her resolve strengthen. 12

“There’s something there, isn’t there?”  Quieter now, she whispered once again, “isn’t there?” 13

He brought his other hand to his other temple and squeezed his eyes shut, desperately fighting the battle for his very mind.  This woman, love, hate, pain, happiness, sadness, love, desires, a motley crew of warriors battled against his clear logic.  He felt that logic become blurry, muddy, saw it before him as a scene of utter chaos ensued.  This mind, the wall…the old wall that held back his old self, dividing him as the spoils of war from battles long finished.  His teeth ground together now as he fought on, though it was a losing fight now.  His cause was gone but the desire to remained to stay in control.  I…can’t lose, I… 14

            He fell to the floor and slammed his fists down beside him, crying out in torment as he felt the old wall crumble and his logic melt away in a flash of brilliant darkness.  He grabbed the sides of his head and screamed, then gritted his teeth once more.  He’d lost, and the sting of defeat was more than he could bear.  He searched futilely for a shelter, a place to feel safe and was dismayed to find none.  15

A touch on the shoulder awakened him to the outside world.  No tears marred his face, but his heart pounded horrendously and he could not bring himself to look at the source of his solace, for the shame of having broken was too great to acknowledge. 16

“I…I’m sorry,” was all he could muster. 17

He felt that same hand drop to his chin and raise his face to a pair of crystal green eyes.  He looked away for a brief moment, then looked back.  He would not run; could not run. 18

“It’s alright.  You have me, and can trust me.  You needn’t go it alone any longer.” 19

The pieces of his mind lay scattered about, each exhausted beyond their capability to handle.  He did not want to piece it all together, and so lay there in her arms, eventually drifting off into a dreamless sleep. 20