I'm Only Me...I'm Sorry [Bullet for My Valentine/"All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me)" OR "Intro"]

"Why do you people even do this to me?" I shouted. 1

It was dinnertime, and somehow, someway, we ended up on the topic of my friend. He's really nice, but my parents don't approve. My sister gave him not one of her kinder remarks. I flipped her off and ran. My mom called my name,but I didn't care. Taking off through the kitchen, past the television and down the stairs, descending them 4 at a time before breaking the door down and slamming it as hard as I could before letting the rain hit me all over.2

Panting, I let Bullet for My Valentine pound my brain while I continued running for my friend Alexa's house. Ten and a half blocks away from my house, my pentagrams swinging round my neck. Sure, I'm Christian-bred, just never touched a Bible [and started seriously reading it until now] until I was fourteen, almost fifteen. Now, I'm seventeen, and haven't cracked open a Bible for a year this upcoming....August, I think. When my brother would go to work and I would contemplate, while everyone was worshipping, how nice my bed was to me. That was only to fall asleep. So I left...and everyone started hunting me down like predator and prey, wanting me to return. I still see these people every now and again and tell them maybe. Because it's true. Maybe I will come back.3

The rain still beating down on me, I tear all the way to Alexa's house only to find that she's not home. That's just great...where could she be?4

I didn't want to go home, but I couldn't stay out here catching pneumonia either, so I caught a bus to go near Thomas' house. He was quiet, but I felt the need to have a good cry in front of him....and I don't like crying in front of guys. Not even over the phone. It's kind of embarassing, but now, I don't mind. I get on the bus and let it drive away, the engine rumbling underneath me. I changed the song to "Intro" [Bullet for My Valentine] and closed my eyes, fresh tears rolling down my face as I remember my sister's comment, her jeering face, brown eyes full of malice at my destruction. My destruction is what she was pleased with.5

Why didn't they just understand that this is who I am? I don't like being dragged off to church every stinking Sunday, and Bible Studies on Wednesdays. I'll admit, I used to be interested in that stuff. Ask anyone. I used to go relgiously [pardon the pun]. Now, I just stopped. And they know why.6

So I ride the bus to the Snobby part of town, similar to Lawrence, NJ. And I wondered what was going to happen. I couldn't drive yet, and I wasn't going to ask my mom, dad and or sister if they could take me. Maybe my brother, David, would, but I wouldn't count on it. He doesn't agree with my choice of jewelry these days either. But I don't get it. What's wrong with a pentagram? 7

Apparently, they think my friend told me to get one. He didn't, but they didn't get that at all. Wouldn't hear me out....tears of anger spilled out and I pulled the buzzer. His house wasn't all that far; I could walk the rest.8

It wasn't raining so much from the sky anymore, but it was raining in my heart and mind. Playing back that phrase over and over and over again.9

I just fell to the ground, as though asking for repentance, and started screaming like there was no tomorrow. Just screaming and crying and gasping for breath.10

This is who I am, and I'm not sorry that they don't like it. 11

****12

"Courtney?"13

I looked around and saw Thomas nearby.14

"Perhaps I'm better off not knowing what happened..." I could smell food nearby and it realized how hungry I was from running on an empty stomach--literally! 15

"Maybe not.....I just couldn't take it at home anymore."16

"So you end up in the middle of the road, screaming?" his eyes had a hint of a smile in them, maybe understanding. My eyes were too blurred and I couldn't tell.17

"You could say that." I muttered, turning pink.18

"There's more to it than that, Court; I can tell."19

"It's just my friend....the insults are taking a toll on me."20

"This friend being your most recent one?" he set a plate of food in front of me which I instantly began demolishing. I nodded.21

"Are you sorry you ever met him?" I almost gagged. Why?22

"No. He's one of the best people who's been there that I don't know."23

"I meant because of the grief from your family that it's costing you....?"24

"Again, no." I twirl the spaghetti on my fork before eating it while fingering my pentagram. My phone rings and I immediately pick up, turn it off and stow it where ever I found it before.25

"They'll never get it", I mutter.26

"What's that?" his sister walks in the room.27

"Nothing." I quickly answer. His sister, Amanda, was known for spilling people's secrets. "It's between me & Thomas so...." she got the message and booked it, but I knew she wasn't far from here.28

"Never get who he is...?"29

"Exactly. I've just stopped explaining because they don't want to know. They don't care." I could tell that those tears were coming back. Why couldn't I just get up and over it the other 7 million times it's happened? 30

"And you're parents disapprove because he's not whatever your family's religion is..?"31

"You could say that. And you see this?", I held up my necklaces. "My parents think that he told me to buy them. I just did. I bought them myself. It's just who I am. If I see something that I like, I'm going to buy it. I won't be dictated to..."32

"Understandable." he nodded, my eyes glued onto his, though by now I could barely see out of them.33

"But I can't tell them that."34

"Because?"35

"They won't listen to me. They don't trust me...except for David. He trusts me, but I don't trust him. I mean, he was the one who told my parents and brought this chaos in motion...." I speared a piece of broccoli and began fondling it with my tongue.36

"And, no. I'm not sorry because of who I am either. They can have the girl they brought into this world....or they can have nothing. And hell, I wouldn't be surprised if all of my stuff was packed up in bags in boxes when I got back home after everyone breathing down my neck about why I didn't answer my phone...they can do without me. Somehow, someway. I'll be gone."