(It is morning at the courthouse. Judges and Lawyers are entering the building, there is noise all around the lobby. The Judges take elevator number one up to their chambers. Now here comes the maintenance guy to clean the elevators.) 1
MAINTENANCE GUY: Well I better get started cleaning these elevators.2
(Now as he start getting his supplies ready, he goes to elevator number one)3
MAINTENANCE GUY: Hot damm what the hell?4
(There are people cooking on this elevator)5
MAINTENANCE GUY: I'll go to elevator number two.6
(in this elevator there are animals in it)7
(as he chases the animals off this elevator,he goes back and tries to clean it when.... there is a couple making out in it.)8
MAINTENANCE GUY: This is not the place for this kind of caring on, get the hell out.9
(as the couple get their selves together the girl tries to explain to the maintenance man)10
GIRL: We....just got caught up in the moment, we sorry sir.11
(the couple leaves)12
(Now the maintenance man goes back to his cleaning of elevators, here he is at elevator number three)13
MAINTENANCE GUY: Maybe now I'll be able to clean a elevator.14
(as he reaches on his cart for his rags and polish, a lady and her son jumps on)15
LADY: Sorry sir I have to get my son to the bathroom.(as the elevator closes, the boy throws up on it)16
MAINTENANCE GUY: OH SHIT, now that's going to be a mess to clean up. This ain't worth me trying to do this in three hours, these people are crazy. 17
(so one of the judges come around the corner)18
JUDGE: Hey man, are you ok?19
MAINTENANCE GUY: Yea, I'm ok(looking at the elevators)20
(now elevator number 4)
(DOOR OPEN THERE IS A DOCTOR AND A PATIENT ON THIS ONE)21
MAINTENANCE GUY: AWH hell naw, you giving this wonman a pap smear on this elevator.22
DOCTOR: yes sir, what's wrong with it?23
MAINTENANCE GUY: You need help man. Man I feel like I'm on the Twightlight Zone. this is some strange shit.24
(maintenance man slaps his face to see if he is awake)25
Author notes
this story is a comedy about a man that has to get a part-time job in order to send his daughter to a gifted school to learn how to become a actress.
is this short piece funny?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Yea, no.
This just seems like it's a snip-it from a 20-minute comedy sitcom on TV. It's not really a "screenplay" but more of just a quick laugh. When he says " Well i better get going and clean these elevators" I almost stopped reading because it was so uncreative. At least get a boss of his to tell him "go clean those elevators!". Then, you might actually have something worth watching. -
meh
Erm. The dialogue wasn't very realistic and from the looks of the title I really expected this to be some sort of cool montage-type deal with an elaborate scheme to clean all the elevators... -
haha
yeah it's funny, but it has a lot typos everywhere!
not to worry, proofreading a bit will fix that. the typos are easy to find.
anyways, i love screenplays!
actually, i want to be a screenplay writer, and win the academy award for Best Original Screenplay in the next decade or so.
i like how the rest of the story looks, seems very interesting!
cheers!
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Poor guy
Thanks for entering my contest and good luck. -
^.^ Funni I liked the unique idea about the elevators ^.^ nice job
~Blackiwngs
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Haha aww poor guy!
Very funny
good luck
-Miranda- -
This is really funny. Love it! Thanks for joining the group!
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Short and Sweet.
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I think you need to put more consideration into what the reader needs to know in order to follow the story. Basically all the things you have in parenthesis you need to show in more detail. Comedy is all about timing, so while you have a basic outline here for a story about a man who finds some improbable things in elevators, what you need is the flow of the story, the steady relation of details within which you occasionally hit the reader with something comic. I'm guessing you haven't tried to write a whole lot of fiction before. My suggestion is to keep writing and also to read as much stuff as you can find, preferably published material in addition to what you read here. For comedy, you can always read Douglas Adams, although that is a rather British humor. He's far from the only comic writer, but I can't think of any others at the moment. At any rate, I don't think you're in a position to just improve this in a straightforward manner. I'd say just keep writing until something comes out of you that seems worth polishing
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Thank you for entering and good luck!
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Hmm, a playwrite, eh? Looks very promising but your spelling and grammar's a bit off. Oh well, I said it's a contest for everyone, and I meant it. I hope other people appreciate your play as much as I do.
--RT -
very interesting and funny.
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very funny. I can't wait to read more.
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lmfao what in the world?! good job!!!! I want to read more of this... its a good laugh!
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