I Am - Ch.4

Scene iv; Late Night Jitters and Later Night Suffocation1

Every shallow breath that I took felt as if I was releasing pinpricks of helium, slowly, all at once from a balloon. Everyone knows what happens to those balloons when they’re missing their helium. They’re basically worthless, and God, that’s how I felt. 2

I was sitting at the foot of the stairs to the stage. The next band was setting up set and I was just drowning in a downpour of broken thoughts. My lips were sewed shut with a thread composed of lies and bad trips. I think my eyes were just about ready to succumb to the waves and stinging salt. My cheeks were painting themselves a romantic red and I was just simply not there. This was all just a nightmare. I mean, it had to be. Why else would my organs be shutting down right now? Why else would my brain cells stop breathing? In reality, it sure couldn’t for no reason. Right? 3

Every color in the venue was spinning inside my jaded eyes and I ran a few fingers through the tufts of my hair. It was all over. You were all over… him. Every pixie dusted rainbow had been run through a switchblade, lying in a puddle of shattered dreams at my ankles. It was all an irreversible thing that was gnawing at my thoughts. 4

I tapped my toes and anxiously scolded myself time and time again for how stupid I was. I picked at the fingernails growing from their beds, (Where I should be sleeping) and I bit a hole through my lip. I hardly even looked up, before I noticed a few colorful shoes standing in front of me. 5

My eyes rose and met theirs as they nervously stood there and giggled. Their rainbow hair was tinted gold from the hot lights that lit up the stage. Their hallowed out eyes from the caked on makeup looked at me intently. The one girl sort of pushed the other and she gave a small squeak.6

“Hey there.” Flick of the black, straightened and styled hair off the shoulder. 7

“Hey,” I replied. A girl’s never really bothered me before. 8

You know, I’m the kind of guy who’s just so cliché and so stereotypical of my sort of label that you’d think I’d have that many friends and that I’m “in the scene” or something. That’s not how it goes. I’m actually pretty alone, usually. I just chill in my room, or bounce words off my best friend’s ears. 9

“You put on an amazing set up there. That last song, was it like, written for a girl?”10

And oh-my-gosh. Lyke, the wars of the kids in bands verses the groupies had just lyke, begun.11

“Yeah,” I lowered my head a little, looked in the other direction, scratched the back of my neck, coughed, glanced at my toes, blinked, scratched my head, Goddamn it was hot and itchy in here, looked in the other direction, cracked my knuckles, blinked, looked back up at the two girls. 12

I should probably stand up.13

So I did. I slowly lifted myself up off the stairs, and the next band started playing around with tuning and making a lot of loud noises from their instruments.14

“Well she’s awfully lucky.” The other girl smiled. She was kind of cute, I guess. She was decked in ‘original’ clothes, that every other girl in the place had a variation of on. She looked a little hot. She was probably moshing or something. 15

“Nah. I wouldn’t say that.” Glanced to the back of the room. You weren’t there anymore. Goddamnit. 16

I felt sort of bad. Here these girls were making an effort to talk to me, and I was sort of blowing them off. I watched as my reputation that I didn’t really have slowly run itself down a mildew filled drain and melt into a black oblivion. 17

“She’s nothing special.”18

“She must have been. You wrote a song about her. What I’d give for a guy to write a song about me.” Giggle, bubblegum bubble pop, flip of the rainbow and black hair, blink of the black eyes, shift of the colorful toed shoes, hand on the hip, flash of the smile, movement of the jaw, ‘nother bubble pop, giggle, looking up at me. 19

God, I would have killed for you to do that, girl. 20

Sigh. “You would think, but she’s really not. You know?” Half smile. I should at least attempt to be friendly, or something, right? 21

“I know how that goes.” Giggle from the other girl. 22

I sort of started to walk in the other direction. I had my guitar in one hand. 23

They persisted. I wasn’t amazing or anything. Why were they doing this? Sure, they were sort of pretty. But I didn’t know how to react to them. 24

“So what are you up to tonight?” Blink. Swish of the butterfly kisses, falling off the eyelashes like a rainstorm of shooting star glitter. Pop of the jaw and the Pepto-Bismol Pink bubble. Shift of the decked out, metal studded hips.25

“Nothing really. I’m just heading home I think. It’s been a long day. I’ve got some surgery to tend to in the morning.”26

They looked shocked. Strike one. I had them hooked.27

Gasp. “Surgery? What’s wrong?”28

“Oh my, for what?” Was the chorus from the two. 29

“No, it’s fine. Nothing too bad. I’ve just got a few butterflies that need to be removed from my stomach.” 30

I knew they wouldn’t get the joke. Or they’d just think I was weird. 31

“What do you mean?… Like, really butterflies?” Pop. Chomp. Pop.32

My smile faded. “I’m just kidding. It’s a joke. Uh, never mind.” 33

“Oh… okay.” 34

I was getting ready to just throw my plastic heart in a paper bag, return it to the retail store and call it a night. 35

“Hey, we’re gonna get going.”36

“Yeah, but great set! Are you playing again soon?”37

Am I playing again soon? No. I quit. I never quite pass Go and I only ever end back in jail.38

“I d’know. Maybe. It all depends I guess.”39

“Well we’ll see you around.” Swish, pop, gone. 40

There it was. I met a few girls. And they were gone that quickly. Man, did I fail at life. I was probably one of those people, whose life just didn’t work out, ever. And when they went to attempt suicide, they failed at that too. How terrible would that be? God, they just can’t do anything right. That’s probably me. Maybe that’s why I’d never attempted suicide. 41

I shook my head and walked out the door to the right. The night sort of engulfed me like a warm blanket on a winter night. Lame simile, I know. But it was true. Except it wasn’t warm, it was a bit chilly. I felt the wind sort of nip at my fingertips and toes and nose and cheeks and everywhere in between. The temperature crawled through my nerves like a spider crawling on flesh. Every little twitch of the leg barely noticed yet still tickling the back of your mind. 42

The stars were littered in the sky and the cars rushed by in the street ahead. I think it must have rained a little bit earlier. The water was hissing as the automobiles ran through it and it splashed them, covering them in a coat of dirt that they’d have to clean off. 43

That’s how I felt right then I guess. 44

I sat down on the curb and my shoes fell demise to a puddle that rested beneath them. Shit. Whatever. That’s what I get for comparing myself to a wet and dirty automobile. 45

I laid my guitar on my lap and strummed the first few notes to her song. I hummed the first few lines and then I angrily cut it off. With a sigh I took a huge inhale of the city streetlight pollution. It felt good. Smog-ing up my lungs and everything. 46

Against the back of my eardrums a tiny, faint clicking noise resonated. I recognized it, I think, so I turned around. It was kind of like those movies, where someone looks at something and in reality they should have obviously noticed it but they look away instead. And then you know, they always look back and freak out. Yeah, well it was kind of like that. 47

I looked up at you. Standing there on the pavement, glazed and wet. Your arms were cross and the ribbons to your stilettos wound up your skinny little legs. You had on a skirt that just barely covered anything R rated and a tight black vest was resting on your torso. God, did that torso look amazing. Your hair was limp on your shoulders and your red lips were placed gently around a smoking cigarette. 48

You took a little inhale, lifted one of your arms, took the cigarette from your lips and placed it in between two of your thin fingers, blew as a puff of air blew into the night air and then put it all into reverse.49

I’d realized that I was staring at you, so I quickly turned my head back to ahead of me and hoped that you hadn’t really noticed. I don’t think that you did. You didn’t ever notice. Me, anyways. 50

It was really strange. Like life, I guess. How I just let every thought of mine attach to your essence and follow you around like a little puppy dog missing everything but love, and how you just dragged it along behind you, never noticing it as the cement ripped through the exterior of it. 51

I played with the neck of my guitar, with the strings of my guitar. Keeping myself busy. 52

You sat down next to me.53

What.54

God, did my heart ever beat fast. It was pounding in unison, beating against my ribs, punching a baseball bat against my spine. My lungs were caving in and crumbling and dieing, and my throat was long gone closed up. I think I internally died. I wouldn’t even know how else to explain it. 55

My palms itched and sweated and my thoughts just hid away under shadows and as you inhaled your smoky wisps and stared off into the distance your voice, oh your sweet, delicate voice, said, “Sort of a cold night, eh?”56

I died. I think. I don’t really know for sure what it feels like to die, but it must have been something like that, for sure. 57

First words you ever said to me were small talk. But hey. Talk’s gotta start somewhere, so why not small? After all, all the good things start out small. Like an oak tree, that begins as a seed and matures into roots that tangle and entwine and grow into a large support system for an entire ecosystem. So I figure, hey. At least we’re talking. Maybe we’ll grow into a support system or something fun like that. 58

I gasped for a tiny breath that got caught in my throat and trapped itself in a cage made of barbed pretenses and choked itself up, then shattered into a million dandelion petals – floating on my breath. Casting wishes by the seconds. Clogging up my nasal passage. I was suffocating, but one of my wishes had to have come true because I managed to spit a few things out. 59

“Yeah. It’s kind of cold out tonight.” 60

That’s it. Those were my first words to you? What an idiot. You must have thought I was so incredibly dumb. Then again, those technically weren’t my first words to you. 61

My first words were a ballad. A love song. Accompanied by instrumentation and heart felt inspiration and everything. You just didn’t notice. 62

You looked at me. Your hair swished too. Like those other girls, but way better. Yours rested perfectly on your shoulder, the black underneath melting into the golden top. Your makeup rimmed your eyes in a perfect balance of darkness- balancing out your mystery that you always conveyed. Your body was just building itself up, to break itself down, but my, oh, my, was it absolutely, stunningly, perfect. 63

You looked over at me and your eyelashes shuttered at a speed of light year and rode away on the stars. You exhaled a puff of silver smoke, which disintegrated into the night air, rushing away with the traffic and your red lips tumbled, “Want some?”64

I didn’t smoke. I never did. Did I want to now? Maybe you’d think that I was a coward or something. My mind was chasing itself into corners. It couldn’t make a decision. Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no? I probably looked like an idiot. Just sitting there. A blank, vague expression, wiping all the color from my face. 65

“I, uh,”66

“Oh. You’re one of those guys. Never mind.” She took another hit off of the end of that cigarette. 67

“No, it’s not like that. I just finished one. I’m not really one of those chain smokers. Cancer and all, you know?”68

Cancer. What the fuck. I just lied about the fact that I don’t actually commit a slow suicide, and then I covered up with a lame excuse.69

She sort of chuckled. “Cancer? What’s the difference? It’s just a plague at this point. Everyone has it dormant in there system, you know.” Puff. Rings of sparkles and lust radiated from her puffed cheeks. “It’s just going to kill me a day quicker. I’m not waiting for anything, anyways. So it’s okay. As long as this sucker, right here, saves me in this moment- I’m all for it.”70

I looked at her. She was interesting. Like some sort of primitive art form. Abstract and surreal, yet beautiful and thoughtful. 71

I thought about her words. They kind of made sense. In some sort of twisted way. 72

“So what are you doing here, tonight?” She asked. She cocked her head and her eyes watched my intently with a glazed sort of interest. 73

My stomach dropped. 74

“Oh, I was playing a set. Did you see me? I was the one up on stage just a little bit ago, playing the acoustic.”75

“Mm. I didn’t notice.” Her brow furrowed as if she was contemplating the past thirty minutes intently. “Did you play well?”76

My lips sort of twitched upward as I kept myself from having a mental breakdown in the middle of the parking lot. 77

“I think so, I guess. I played this one song, for a girl, you know. Everyone seemed to like that.” I had a few chicks come up afterwards, wanted to flirt with me. I turned ‘em down. I was more interested in you. Wish I could have said that. Didn’t though.78

“Awe, that’s cute. She’s gotta be a lucky girl.”79

“I guess you could say that. I d’know. I mean, it all depends on your interpretation of ‘lucky’ I suppose.” 80

My toes started to fade into a state of numb since they had fallen asleep in the puddle that was forming into ice. That’s okay. Anything for you, darling. 81

“Well you should have played it for her. I bet that she’d love it.”82

“Maybe. I tried playing it for her. She didn’t show much interest. So you just sort of have to play it because that’s how life is. You know?” 83

“Definitely.” You flicked your fingers and the shifty ashes and rotting, orange embers from your fag slowly trailed down through the air and littered the pavement. You had a short little stub left in your hand and you tossed it on the ground – smashing it with the heel of your sexy, little shoes. You started to stand up and tugged at the edges of your skirt while doing so. 84

Every star in the sky was being blinded by the shimmer of your eyes, babe. 85

Quick. I need to think of something before I loose her. Maybe I won’t be able to talk to her again.86

“So are you here with anyone?” Oh, and there went a strike for the team. A bat just swung and missed- straight into the pit of my heart. The caverns of my flesh and muscle were being torn apart by dynamite, looking for a way in. Not like anything was actually left in there. 87

“Nah. I’m just sort of bouncing around between people. Looking for a good time. That’s all I’ve got left to look forward to anymore.” Half-giggle, half-sigh, another portion snort.88

You were different from those girls. You said it like it was. They were all hopped up on insecurities and hopes and wishes. You didn’t play around. You didn’t search for puzzle pieces that you knew were missing. You didn’t push them into spots where they didn’t fit. You just looked at the overall picture, and understood what the end result should have been and then moved on to the next one. I kinda liked that about you. It was sort of cute. 89

“Are you doing anything tonight? I’ve got time to kill and a pistol in my back pocket. Want to take a walk?”90

Wow. How cheesy. I don’t understand. When it comes to girls, why did I always try to incorporate some weird metaphor in the sentence? I need to learn that it doesn’t work unless it’s being sung. 91

“Haha. Hand it over darling, because I’ve been itching for a homicide all of my life.” 92

She got it. She understood it. This girl, she had to have been my hero. My heart did a few flips; I think a few of the butterflies might have rolled over in their graves. Something like that, maybe. A few rainbow flowers sprouted in shimmering colors at the foot of their tombstones. Vines started climbing my ribcage and spinal cord, and a little bit of dust that was coating the sides started to fade away. 93

I grinned some stupid smile that was plastered against my face. Inching its way up towards my gentle cheekbones and round eyes. 94

I turned away, assuming that you’d follow me. I just wanted to take a walk with you and have a conversation. Get to know you a little better. My soul was crawling to do this. I’d been waiting for a long time. 95

“Hey!” 96

I turned around. You did too. Some guy was standing at the front of the building, ten feet away from us sort of waving at you. 97

“We’re all getting ready to go out and party. You’re coming, right?” He winked at you. You smiled. 98

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be right there!” 99

Of course. Why would I ever think, for a millisecond of light speed that you’d ever even consider just being with me? You’ve got better people to waste time with. 100

You turned to me and shrugged. “Rein check? We’ll have to do it some other time. For sure. Thanks!” 101

You winked, then turned your back on me, after tilting your head over your shoulder and blowing a kiss. It shattered at my feet and left splinters in my thumbprints. 102

After that, I watched all the city lights rush by me and all of the rain water glaze the streets. I picked out all of the pieces on my long walk home in the dark.103