Out of the Darkness

I’m writing to let others know we all have hard times in our lives. And it’s not important about who you are. Or where you came from? Or even about what you have or not? It’s all about how you are remembered after you’re gone. Growing up all I could say was nobody loves me. That’s what I felt in my heart. I felt like all my life that I was always expected to be perfect. My parents wanted me to be perfect for my younger brother and sister. Nothing I did was ever right or good enough for my husband. He’d say, "well if you don’t like it, there’s the door with no trees across the road to keep you here. Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you." Two people that meant the world to me growing up was my dad’s father and my mom’s mother two of the kindest hearted people you’ll ever be blessed to know. My grandfather he used to grow roses out beside his front porch I guess that’s where I got my love for roses. Grand father was the first grand parent to pass on, as a child I had nightmares after that. Dad comes from a very large family he was the baby. I grew up beside his parents until the ninth grade when grand father passed away. Then grand mother moved she wouldn’t stay there by herself. She used to take turns staying with all her kids. She was a hard and tough woman. Well after all her and grand father had thirteen kids all together. Dad was the baby. Mom came from I guess you’d call it a medium sized family. She was the second born child out of four. Mom had one miscarriage before I was born. She was in labor for three days trying to have me. I grew up being the oldest with a brother and then a baby sister. I was very shy and quite growing up. And I was taught you don’t ask for things. I was raised in a strict religious up bringing. No dancing, no drinking, and never any sex before you got married. No doing business on Sunday. Once you’re married you’re married for life. The only way that you can get a divorce in the eyes of the church is abuse, and adultery. The first house that we lived in the only indoor plumbing we had was the kitchen sink. I can still remember using the out house and the Sears and Roebuck catalog. I hated the old houses you’d stand in front of the fireplace to get warm. The side next to the fire got too hot and the side away from it was too cold. I remember climbing in trees when I was 2 years old I’d get up in them and get scared and call mom to come get me down. One day she wouldn’t come get me down it felt like I was in that tree half the day before I got myself down. One of mom’s favorite stories about me growing up was when I was a toddler. They had a big rat got into the house. I sat on the couch while they ran it down and killed it. Afterwards I walked up to it and was saying puppy, puppy. I was going to race dad into the house one day. I was 2 years old so as he was turning into the drive way I opened the car door. Out I went into the middle of the road lost my shoe. So there I lay Dad walked over and sat on the front porch and told me to get up and come there and he would help me up. I was scared and crying and he wouldn’t come get me. Shortly after that I was playing in the car and moved the shift; down the hill the car took off. Needless to say I had learned a lesson about cars after then. 1

When mom went to the hospital to have my brother, she sent me to stay with her folks. They raised chickens for a living, I was placed into a big wash tub and they walked off in the chicken house. To feed and water them; we’re talking about a big house with thousands of chickens. Here comes the chickens a swarming all around me I was so frightened I just froze. To this day any bird that still has feathers, a head, and feet on it I’m not going near dead or alive. I don’t care how big or little it is. My brother he was born a month premature mom had to feed him by squeezing a baby bottle. My grand parents brought me back home after a week or so I was sick with a kidney infection. Mom couldn’t take me to the doctor so dad did. I was admitted to the hospital I didn’t do anything that they wanted. I remember being scared and upset that mom sent me off and stayed home with my little brother. I used to chase my cousins and scare them with my toys I thought that was funny. Them being scared of a stuffed monkey and a helicopter2

I used to play with a helicopter and wear a cowboy outfit with guns and hat. Don’t know why I just thought I was so tough. Or maybe it was because all I had to play with was the guys. My brother was rotten and still is through and through. He didn’t get enough whippings growing up.3

My brother would scream his head off before he was touched! He would only get two or three licks and I’d keep my mouth shut and get a dozen or more trying to take it. One thing that I recall the most is when I was about four or five Dad took me swimming. I slipped and fell. I tried to get my footing, but I couldn’t. I was being swept away. I wasn’t afraid at all. I had the sweetest peace. I never thought to breathe. There was a beautiful light that penetrated my eyes. It was warm and golden surrounded by blue, green, purple and a little pink. Someone finally pulled me out! I was so cold and sick. It is something I’ll never forget. The peace I felt was so amazing.4

So many things to try and cover I’ll try not to bore you too much. During this time I started to hear or perceive to hear mom calling me from time to time. And I’d go running to only find out she hadn’t called me yet. Most of the time she would say; I was just about to call you. Some times there are things that I just know. Don’t ask me to explain its just instinct, like knowledge from within. Dreams that come true; they’re like watching a rerun of a move word for word and action for action. 5

I have a baby sis but; I plead the fifth on some of the rotten things we did to her. I started first grade I was five years old. I recall once I wore a Sunday dress and shoes to school one day I was walking on a steel pipe and fell landing straddle of it I bled. I didn’t tell anyone I went to the bath room and placed tissue in my panties. I know that’s how I lost my maidenhead then. I had a hard time paying attention in class as a child. I was mostly an average student growing up. When I was seven years old, I had a cousin that was about ten to eleven years older than me. He pulled my pants down while I was working and I didn’t realize it. I just thought they were sliding down on their own. Then he asked me to let him see I just knew to say no and no and no. He finally stopped asking and left me alone then. That was my first run in with men and sex. I have always been shy and with drawn. Not a lot of real friends in my life. I had guys growing up always grabbing and pawing me. Kissing I didn’t feel anything from it except maybe hurry up and get it over with. I have a rotten brother that was; hitting me and throwing me on the ground all the time. I finally got tired of it and started fighting back. I’d run him into a corner with the broom and way lay him good. That way he couldn’t get away from me. Once he made me so mad, I threw a fork at him. It stuck in his elbow as it was bouncing up and down. 6

I got into reading a lot in the sixth grade. I was in 4-H for a while and then joined the band. They wanted me to play the clarinet but I wanted a trumpet so I ended up with a cornet a smaller version of a trumpet. I was in the band until I finished High School. Being kissed by guys and touched having that yuck get it over with feeling. I went through the stealing phase for a short time thank god I got over that fast. I had a little experience with a girl once not going there again. Several things I did; that I’m working on but not ready to admit out loud. The shame that I carry from them maybe one day I’ll be free from. 7

We used to go visit my Aunt all the time we’d play with her kids. I still see it in my mind so clear. My older cousin and brother pulled me into a room in the basement and as my brother held the door closed he watched as my cousin raped me I must have been about thirteen at that time. I can still hear my little sister and little cousin beating on that door wanting in. For the longest time I thought it was me. It finally dawned on me years later I had said no no no.8

One time that was the most frightening in my life was. The day we had gone to visit my mom’s folks. So we went to play in the old hay barn. I was always one of the fastest I was the first to climb up into the hay. I came face to face with a panther with a pair of cubs. My heart was in my throat. We eased down and out of there funny thing was the adults didn’t believe us. But a few days later my uncle saw them. 9

I became a majorette some call it a twirler something I was so happy that I got to do in high school. My grand father passed away just as I was starting high school it was a blow to me. I’ll never forget the night mares I had after that. My mom’s mother, and dad’s father they where the most loving people in my life. From grand father I get my love of roses he used to grow them. I was raped at thirteen years of age by my cousin as my brother held the door and watched. 10

At sixteen my mom found out I was having sex I got the worst beating in my whole life. She told me to take off my clothes lay on the bed and spread my legs for her to see me. She then started to beat me from the tops of my shoulders to back of my knees. I was covered with blood blisters that turned into bruises that I wore for a month. By seventeen I was pregnant scared my soon to be husband wouldn’t do anything but ask anything yet. I was at the point of running away from home. Then, mom found out. She took me to the doctor and he said I was she asked him what to do. I knew she was hinting at an abortion but he didn’t go for it. Hubby never asked me to marry him. My dad went and talked to his dad and then we where married. Five months later our son was born. After that everything was down hill from then own. For the next 10 years my life turned into a living hell.11

When we got married we moved in with his folks and we continued with school. I finished high school and he was in collage. For the first 3 months then we moved into a mobile home across from my folks. 12

Most of the time at night he was gone, to classes 2 nights, volunteer fire fighter meetings, volunteer coach with practice and games 3 nights a week and on Sundays we where to go to his folks. So most of the time I was at home just me and our son all alone; except when hubby came home to sleep and eat. I learned early he’ll come home when he was sleepy or hungry. 13

Then I started to find notes from other ladies and girls to him. Then they started to call and come to see him. He started then telling me to go out and fool around and if I didn’t like it to leave that there wasn’t any trees across the road to stop me from going. To don’t let the door hit me where the good lord split me. Then the being hit started the black eyes. Being grab by the head or the throat. The only place I had to go to was back home with my folks and that was the last place on earth I was going back too. I’m never going back to that. One day I finally told my dad he just looked at me as I wiped away the makeup so he could see. He just gave me a look like. What do you want me to do and never said one word. So it was go back to a hell at home with my folks or stay in another hell. So I stayed. After that I went to work at a plant making clothes. I got pregnant again I went to see my old family doctor he said I was. So I want to use a different doctor to deliver the baby so I made the appointment in another town. Got there and he checks me and says that I’m not pregnant. I walked out a crying my head off. He told me to come back I did again he said I wasn’t and again to come back. This time he still says I’m not he gives me some medication to take. He says I wont abort if I’m pregnant wrong. I started to hemorrhage severally I go to see the doctor again. They place me in the back I’m back there it seems like a hour. I start to feeling like I’m going to black out. I’m calling out for help. They finally come in and that’s when they tell me that I’m miscarrying. They send me over to the hospital for emergency operation the called it a D&C. I also then found out that my blood type was A negative. Back then if your blood was negative all you could have was 2 kids. I cried too much I thought I could never have another child. I’ll never forget my preacher coming to see me and praying for me. After I got home the next day hubby was like it never happened. So many nights I cried myself to sleep. All of the night mares that haunted me the fog and the darkness and a child calling out that I could never find. Hubby was never any comfort he told me to shut up that he didn’t want to hear that. He was in a big hurry for me to get pregnant again after that I was so afraid. I didn’t want to any time soon. He had me see the doctor after I didn’t get pregnant with in a year. He started me on medication to help. I was so scared the whole time. At least he had the morning sickness with this child. Another son was born in the spring four years and nine months after the hubby’s name sake. When he was born he had the cord wrapped around his throat twice. He was all blue and purple. During the birth I blacked out when I came too this is what I say them working on my baby and him all gray and blue. Not one sound from him. They called the pediatric doctor in and took him to ex-ray. He was a little fighter before we left the hospital he was scooting around until the tops of his toes had sores. I was still being treated like if you don’t like it leave. All the time being make to feel like I never did anything right of good enough for him too. He would leave and go play softball ever sense we where married some night three different games at three different ledges at three different fields. Coming home at 2 AM on the weekends got to being a common thing with him. Then he asked me to sleep with another man that he wanted to sleep with this man’s wife. I was so low at that point the constant him and his wants. The deep ripping hurt that I felt then. It was like I had nothing in this world left to lose. That my husband; the man that I loved so deeply. I would have given up my life for him. That he could ever ask something like that of me. I felt that I had been case into the dark pits of hell. I was at the point to keep myself pulled together I was singing, counting, saying my ABC’s. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and crawl into a black hole and fill it in........ 14