"And that's the end of the show, folks!" Mr. Smilt, dressed as a geek, said into the microphone. The whole auditorium was filled to the brim with excited and happy, yet disappointed Seniors who were about to graduate from high school. They had just watched the whole staff (and some of the more popular high school Seniors) make a fool out of themselves; and the next day, they would officially be out of high school...yay!1
I wasn't actually inside the auditorium, but right ouside where I could hear everything and be close to where Jonny would be coming out. Jonny was one of those more popular high school Seniors I was just talking about. He was the class president AND the Prom King AND he liked me. Freaky, huh?2
Especially, since I was kind of a goth. Me? A goth? Yep. That's right. I was a goth, and the most popular boy (who every girl in her right mind would have a crush on) was going out with me. That wasn't that most freakiest thing, though. I was only a Junior. In my school, the "social" rule was to date your grade, and your grade only. That quickly changed when Jonny was caught kissing a junior (me).3
"Don't forget to come back and visit me!" Mr. Smilt said. The students laughed and got up from their chairs. Right then, Jonny came out from the side door and used all his strength to push a lunch table in front of the Gym doors so all the Senior girls wouldn't crowd against Jonny. I could see a bunch of those girls trying to look goth (to impress Jonny?) on the other side trying to open the doors. Now the whole Senior class (and don't forget the staff) would have to trinkle out one by one by the door Jonny went out by and that would probably take hours...oops. I kind of felt sorry for them, though.4
I soon forgot about them and grinned at Jonny. "It's funny to see all of them be horrible goths." He looks at me, and replies, " I totally agree. I would only have to look twice at them." I stopped in my tracks and he took me by my shoulder's. "Once I wouldn't even really see them, but twice, even if they were the best goth ever, I would notice that their black lipstick is a little smeared or that there is a liitle sweat running down their hair. But you. You, I would only have to look at once. Why? Because all I see are your beautiful eyes, your beautiful hairl, your beautiful lips..." He faltered as he pulled my chin and locked into my eyes (which, by the way, already started to have tears in them), "...Why??!!! Because all I would notice would be this huge wave of love everytime I see you-even think about you. Yes, Jill. I'm saying it. I love-"5
At that point, I turned away and he stopped talking. "Jill. I-I don't understand..." I turned back towards him with tears running down my face and saw the most horrible look on his- I could harldy stand it. It was like I just broke his heart.6
And I understand now that I did break his heart. But I broke mine, too. I broke his in half, but I broke mine into little tiny pieces. I loved him. But I couldn't say it. Not now. "Jonny..." I began. He just shook his head, tears now running down HIS face, and walked away.7
I wished I could run after him. I really did.. But I had to go home for the last time and pack my bags. My mom was forcing me to move from New York to San Fransisco so I could have my baby in peace. Nobody was to know know that it was mine, but to think it was my mom's. At least I have always dreamed of going to San Fransisco, right?8
As I turned around and walked away in the opposite direction, I thought about my mother's words. "Don't tell him. Stay away from him. Don't even talk to him!" But momma. I love Jonny.
A contest entry
- Your Best Stuff by stardust3492.
575 points, ended February 22, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Moving Day! by bluestar6997.
100 points, ended April 3, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fun Stuff by sugarrrainbow.
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Honorable winner
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Did I stay in all past tense? Or did I go into present tense a little-that's where I have a problem...but if I did, did I do it in a good way? Ugh, just tell me if it was any good, please?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hmmm, very interesting.
I like that you kept the voice of a teenager throughout the chapter and didn't get into any fancy language that a teenager now a days wouldn't use.
However, could you like describe the girl's looks in a different way instead of "goth"? Because...well, you just never know what that means anymore, do you?
This could get really good, keep working on it and keept writing!
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This is awesome!
*Your judge, Bluestar6997* -
Commentary Critique
"And that's the end of the show, folks!" Mr. Smilt, dressed as a geek, said into the microphone. The whole auditorium was filled to the brim with excited and happy, yet disappointed seniors who were about to graduate from high school. They had just watched the whole staff (and some of the more popular high school Seniors) make a fool out of themselves; and the next day, they would officially be out of high school...yay!1
I wasn't actually inside the auditorium, but right outside where I could hear everything and be close to where Jonny would be coming out. Jonny was one of those more popular high school Seniors I was just talking about. He was the class president AND the Prom King AND he liked me. Freaky, huh?2
Especially, since I was kind of a Goth. Me? A Goth? Yep. That's right. I was a Goth, and the most popular boy (who every girl in her right mind would have a crush on) was going out with me. That wasn't that freakiest thing, though. I was only a Junior. In my school, the "social" rule was to date your grade and your grade only. That quickly changed when Jonny was caught kissing a junior (me).3
"Don't forget to come back and visit me!" Mr. Smilt said. The students laughed and got up from their chairs. Right then, Jonny came out from the side door and used all his strength to push a lunch table in front of the Gym doors so all the senior girls wouldn't crowd against Jonny. I could see a bunch of those girls trying to look Goth (to impress Jonny?) on the other side trying to open the doors. Now the whole senior class (and don't forget the staff) would have to trickle out one by one by the door Jonny went out by and that would probably take hours...oops. I kind of felt sorry for them, though.4
I soon forgot about them and grinned at Jonny. "It's funny to see all of them be horrible Goths." He looks at me, and replies, “I totally agree. I would only have to look twice at them." I stopped in my tracks and he took me by my shoulder's. "Once I wouldn't even really see them, but twice, even if they were the best Goth ever, I would notice that their black lipstick is a little smeared or that there is a little sweat running down their hair. But you, you, I would only have to look at once. Why? Because all I see are your beautiful eyes, your beautiful hair, your beautiful lips..." He faltered as he pulled my chin and locked into my eyes (which, by the way, already started to have tears in them), "...Why??!!! Because all I would notice would be this huge wave of love every time I see you-even think about you. Yes, Jill. I'm saying it. I love-"5
I wished I could run after him. I really did. But I had to go home for the last time and pack my bags. My mom was forcing me to move from New York to San Francisco so I could have my baby in peace. Nobody was to know that it was mine, but to think it was my mom's. At least I have always dreamed of going to San Francisco, right?8
As I turned around and walked away in the opposite direction, I thought about my mother's words. "Don't tell him. Stay away from him. Don't even talk to him!" But momma, I love Jonny.
Even though the story was really good, there were a few if not several corrections that needed to be fixed (already fixed paragraphs) but other from that this was a really good read -
This was good. I liked the idea and the description of Jill's fellings. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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Awww thats so sad how her mom was making her leave and taking the baby to raise as her own. Reminds me of a friend of mines mom. She was so ashamed that her daughter got pregnant when she was 15 that she shipped her off to her aunts and made her give the baby up. Would love to read more of this!
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hmmmm....It was good. All the love Jonny's showing her then she has to leave. I take it Jonny doesn't know about the baby. The mom sounds a little evil and crazy *cough* kinda like my boyfriend's mother *cough* Anyway, I did enjoy it. I hope you expand it soon!
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