Airplane Desperation

Joseph is in his 30’s, successful, a lawyer, so tight and high maintenance that he doesn’t even let what few friends he has call him Joe. Joseph is on a business flight on his way to a meeting in Miami. After his reservation for business class is misplaced and he put into to coach. Joseph is on the Red Eye and trying to do his best to sleep so that he will be awake for his meeting.1

Joseph (carrying a briefcase in one hand and his ticket and jacket in another): Just like, American Airways. Bump me back to coach. (He looks at a seat and then looks at his ticket then at the number) Excuse me sir. But I believe you are sitting in my seat. (Shows him ticket).2

Carl: Listen buddy, my wife is sittin' here, so why don’t you just take my seat. (hands him ticket)3

Joseph (Looks at ticket): This seat is at the back of the plane.4

Carl: Yeah so what?5

Joseph: So the toilets are back there and everyone will be opening and closing the doors. I have to be able to sleep if I am going to be awake for an important business meeting. So if you don’t mind, (Carl stands up)6

Carl (growls): I mind. Now why don’t you be a good boy, take your fancy tie (straightens Joseph’s tie) and just take your seat, the plane will be taking off soon! (shoves ticket in Joseph’s shirt pocket. 7

(Joseph defeated walks back to the seat he puts his luggage in the overhead compartment and goes to sit in between a Teenage boy and Smiling in his Fifties man)8

Overhead: Thank you for flying American Airways Red Eye flight 0784 to Miami. We will now ask that your seatbelts are fastened with, your tray tables securely fastened and your seat in it’s upright position. Also we would like you to direct your attention to the following safety video.9

Bill (Sticks his face about two inches away from Joseph’s ear but insists on talk loudly with as much spit and breathing as possible): Hi there friend, the names Bill. Bill Waterman I sell boats, so I’m the kinda person you wanna sit next to if we crash over water. (Bill laughs hard spitting all over Joseph and slapping his knee, Joseph pulls out a handkerchief and wipes of the left side of his face). What’s your name son?10

Joseph: Joseph Bell, attorney (Bill shakes his hand violently)11

Bill: That’s great, super! Don’t you just love flying, my aunt always said better flying then falling. (laughs again, spitting and wiping occur again) She was a great lady, she raised me you know, all by herself. My mom died giving birth to me and I never knew who my dad was. (Joseph brings out pillow from under seat and rests it behind his head and tries turning away from the conversation and tries to sleep) It is kinda funny though because my Aunt she used to say the darndest things. I had a lisp as a child and just to make me feel normal she would talk in a lisp too! (laughs) She would say (lisping) “Bill I sure shootin hope school is fun and some silly girl will see your sensitive side” (laughs again, hitting Joseph’s leg)12

Overhead: The captain has now switched off the seatbelt sign and the crew will be coming around with drinks and meals shortly.13

Bill: Well I like food (makes pig oinks loudly)14

Joseph (agitated): Listen Bill, I have to go to a very important meeting shortly after we land so do you think you could let me get some sleep.15

Bill: Oh sure I would hate to be all jabber jabber. I’ll just read a magazine (fishes out an Archie Magazine from his bag and starts to read, he giggles every few seconds, so Joseph turns so his head is directed near the teenager. The teenager who had bee sleeping since scene beginning wakes up drowsy and pulls out a cd player from his backpack. Joseph seems to have dosed off. After teen puts his headphones on loud heavy metal music can be heard loudly. Joseph is startled and sits up.)16

Joseph (to teen): Excuse me (kid starts head banging he cant hear a word) Hey kid! (pulls off kids headphones) I am trying to sleep do you think you could turn it down a bit.17

Darryl: Sorry gramps, it’s metal that’s how you listen to it.18

Joseph: Gramps? I’m only thirty two. Now do you think you can turn it down a bit, kid.19

Darryl (sarcastically): Oh I’m sorry (puts headphones on and turns it up louder).20

Joseph: Punk. (tries to get back to sleep, A stewardess comes by with food and hands two trays to Bill (Darryl waves of stewardess on his side) Bill nudges Joseph awake)21

Bill: They brought pork and beans! (oinks twice) You gotta try them.22

Joseph: No thanks, beans don’t sit well with me.23

Bill: Common live a little. What could a harmless little bean do.24

Joseph: A lot trust me.25

Bill: Just have a couple of bites. (Joseph shakes his head and turns to go back to sleep) Just have a try. Common, Joe have some grub, just a bit, common, one bite (keeps going till Joseph gets mad).26

Joseph: OK! (grabs tray and sits it on his lap, Bill smiles and starts to eats his. Joe opens the tinfoil and stares at the food with disgusting look) You eat this? 27

Bill (talking with food in his mouth): It’s delicious, it should be called a cuisine! (Joseph eats five or six bites before the woman with the cart comes back with cart.)28

Stewardess: Would any of you like a drink?29

Joseph: Here (hands her tray) What do you have that will take away the taste of that!30

Stewardess: Coffee sir?31

Joseph: Fine, but please decafe. (She smiles and hands him coffee with napkins)32

Bill: Guess it’s not for everyone hey (As Joseph is about to sip coffee, Bill nudges him in the gut and Joseph spills his coffee all over Darryl’s lap (crotch)) 33

Darryl (jumping up): What the hell man! 34

Joseph: Oh my god! I’m so sorry (takes napkins and starts wiping Darryl’s jeans on his leg headed upwards)35

Darryl (freaking out and yelling): Dude! Get your hand away from my crotch man.36

Stewardess (running up): What seems to be the problem.37

Joseph: I spilt some…38

Darryl: This pervert is trying to rape me! 39

Joseph: No, no accident! Coffee, drop, nudge, crotch, napkin, cleaning, sorry. NOT GAY!40

Stewardess: Sir you sit right there. You (taking Darryl’s arm) come with me take your things, I will move you to first class, where he wont touch you I promise.41

Darryl: Jack Ass!42

(Stewardess Glares at Joseph and leads Darryl away to first class, an awkward silence occurs)43

Bill: Wow! You should be careful with coffee there Joe! (nudges him in arm, Joseph looks at Bill’s smiling face and stares for three beats before picking up his bags and moving to Darryls old seat. He still glares at Bill then takes pillow and lays back in his seat. Carl and his wife giggle past and go into the bathroom. The clank of the door wakes up Joseph) 44

Joseph (praying): Dear Lord… WHY ME!45

Bill: Who you talking to Joe?46

Joseph (angry but quiet): My name is Joseph! And you can just take your fake salesman smile and shove up your big hairy nostrils, long enough for you to stop talking and let me sleep! (Bill stops smiling and picks up magazine, Joseph lies down and is asleep for two beats when his stomach makes the loudest rumbling noise) 47

Joseph: Oh No! (Joe holds his gut and stands up, he walks to the bathroom stall) Oh great Zeus’s beard, the beans. (stomach rumbles louder, and Joseph bangs on door)48

Overhead: Please would all passengers take there seat as the plane is about to land. 49

Joseph (Banging head on door): Let me in, I need to do some business! (he starts bending his knees moving up and down)50

Stewardess: Excuse me sir. The seatbelt sign has been turned on, please take your seat.51

Joseph (desperately): Mam, I really have to use the facilities!52

Stewardess: I understand that sir and you may do so once we have finished our descent.53

Joseph (angry, desperate): NO! Lady I have to go now! When nature calls like this, trust me you have to pick up the phone (bangs on door).54

Stewardess (more strict): Sir take your seat!55

Joseph: DEMON WOMAN! If you don’t leave me alone or get this person out of the bathroom, I will have no choice but get VERY ANGRY AND KILL EVERY ANNOYING SALESMAN AND SNOT NOSED BRATS AND FRIENDLY STEWARDESS’ ON THIS PLANE.56

Stewardess (knocks on door): Excuse me this man desperately needs the lavatory. (the couple walk out and return to seats Joseph runs in and locks door).57

Overhead: Thank you for flying American Airways. We hope you had a pleasant flight. (All passengers exit, two police officers enter and wait outside bathroom)58

Joseph (walking out of bathroom): Oh, hello officers (smiling)59

Fin60