Pépé

Murder: Unlawful premeditated killing of a human being by a human being.1

“My name is Pépé, don’t laugh because if you do I will kill you and stuff some wood chips up your nose and make you run in a plastic ball. You can see me everyday sleeping or hiding in my own personal habitat. I still can’t walk very well since Emily threw me against the wall that one time, and I have a scar from the fucking cat that you thought would have fun chasing me. Since I have had so many brushes with death though, now I can truly appreciate my life and I realize that my little life is not going to be wasted running on wheels and sleeping. Your abusive reign over me shall end you vicious tyrant, and I shall fight against you oppressors, you beasts, you humans!”2

Pépé the hamster had thought out a thorough plan to kill his masters and it would not be… shall we say… painless. The hardest part would be that he would have to kill them in such a way that none would notice the other’s corpse. Pépé needed tools and to observe the routine of the family. Pépé managed to, after many attempts, squeezed through two bars at the back of the cage. Pépé also had help from the mice in the house; they provided him with tunnels to travel to any part of the house. 3

Pépé lived in Emily’s room. She had begged her mom for a mouse when she 8 and on her 10th birthday received Pépé. She had constantly abused Pepe, a poor little hamster being forced into undersized Barbie dresses, put on a leash and worst of all the plastic ball. The ball was the size of a soccer ball. When Pépé went into the ball it meant being kicked around the house, and usually the fun of going down the stairs over and over and over again. Emily is now 12 and when she comes home, her routine includes: coming home, throwing together a sandwich, dumping her backpack on the counter and then proceeding to the basement to watch television in the spare room, where she can have privacy.4

The mother had once tried to kill Pépé. Luckily for him he knew well how to dodge a broom. Only out in the hallway (because he had been put there) Pépé had been lost and confused. The shriek of the mother scared him to death and then she openly attacked him. “She is going to get hers too” said Pépé. She comes home before her daughter, exhausted from whatever job she has come from, and immediately pours herself a glass of water and goes straight to bed. 5

The Father came home late every night. He would take the recyclables downstairs for garbage day and leave them right by the stairs on a shelf. Then the father would grab a beer and retreat to the garage to work on restoring his mustang. He would stay there and listen to the radio as he worked, until his wife would call him to dinner. 6

“They have no clue as to what is going to happen. Those pathetic creatures, they revolve themselves around these simple routines that will them lead to their deaths. I cant believe how simple it is and how much fun I am having. This will be a piece of cake. All I need is a few things.” Pépé snarled. 7

Pépé had trouble with his plans. Initially he wanted to get his hands on some guns but he had nothing to pull the trigger. He did however come up with a more diabolical scheme to ensure each suffered. Pépés first plan was flawless. The poor cat had gotten sick and had surgery for something, so they needed to inject it with tranquilizers. Fortunately the beast died, but his old tranquilizers remained in the cupboard.8

When Pépé made it to the kitchen through a hole he and the mice had chewed, he arrived in the medicine cabinet and looked for the tranquilizers. They were in a bubbled packaging outside the box, which said “Warning: Not For Human Use”. Pépé giggled to himself and pushed the pills into the hole where he came from. Then he ripped them out of the packaging and placed them in a pile under some wood chips in his cage. 9

Next, Pépé went to the basement. He had to bribe a couple of dirty rats to help him gnaw the top step that lead to the basement. Pépé and the rats were doing their best to make the stair as thin as possible. They stopped halfway so, that dad wouldn’t break the step, before putting the recyclables in the basement. When he left, they continued to destroy the board until the board was as thin as a piece of paper. Pépé would have to work fast. He went to the garage with determination and a long thread of string. Pépé landed on the workbench but had to be careful that the father didn’t see him. He moved under the car and waited for the dad to finish his work and go to bed. When he finally did, Pépé climbed up the underside of the car, then chewed on the gas line and just let it leak. He then climbed up back onto the workbench and put a string around a certain switch. Tomorrow his hard work would pay off.10

The next day, Pépé had set everything up and his first sheep was about to be slaughtered. As usual she grabbed her glass of water and went to her room. Pépé headed there. His little feet going as fast as they could while dragging on a string a small plastic container filled with a ground up white powder. When Pépé got to the hole that was right over the nightstand, he put the knot in the string around a nail sticking out of the wood back a few inches behind the edge. Then Pépé pushed the plastic container over the side, as it began to fall, Pépé grabbed hold of the slack on the string with his teeth, it was so heavy that it made him lurch forward, almost off the edge. Bit by bit, Pépé let the string fall, and when the container was a few centimeters above her water glass, two things happened. He let go of the string and the mother began to stir. Once the powder had quickly dissolved Pépé pulled one side of the three-string harness (which was connected to the main string), dumping out some water with a splash. The mother woke up abruptly and Pépé had to run far back into the hole, to pull the container (though considerably lighter) back up. The mother groaned, rolled over and took her glass of water. Pépé watched like a vulture, his evil smile growing. Then she did it and sealed her fate! She began to chug the water and when she finished, she sighed, and then gasped. Clasping her throat with both hands she fell to the floor kicking viciously and making choking noises. “ No one can hear you!” thought Pépé, his eyes wide and his heart rate beating fast with pleasure and anticipation. Her face was turning blue and vomit came out of her mouth. Her body was trying to get rid of the poison but it was too late. The vomit dripped in multicoloured chunks. Her eyes rolled back into her head, the white of them starring blankly at the ceiling. When she finally stopped breathing, she lay in a pile of her own vomit and her nose had a streak of blood running down her face. 11

Pépé was so high from his first kill that he felt invigorated and was impatient while waiting for his massive abuser Emily to come home. Pépé waited in the basement, and was starting to feel the great relaxation that his first victim was dead. “One down, two to go!” thought Pépé. Then he heard the sound of the door bursting open and the fridge door opening. So he went to work, climbing to the top of the recycling bag (the one marked “Glass”). At the top he took the handle to the bag and jumped down. The glass spilled out of the bad, and fell to the ground where shattered into a million pieces. “ Nice build up of glass, it is as if they fueled her death,” thought Pépé. Then he watched, all around a field of sharp glass, big pieces and small splinters. With a sandwich in one hand Emily opened the basement door. Pépés eyes gleamed as she put her foot on the thin step. Flawlessly the board broke and Emily fell forward, tossing her sandwich in the air and landing on many pieces of glass. One huge piece went right through her stomach. Blood was pooling out of her like a faucet left on. Pépé felt ecstatic and would have patted himself on the back if he could. He watched with enthusiasm as she tried to get up. Her hands pushing hard into the glass, cutting her skin and making her scream with what little air she had left. Her face was cut to pieces and one of her eyes actually had a glass shard in it that made it bleed. Her mouth looked like it had ten layers of deep red lipstick, and the rest of her body showed the same leaking body parts. She managed to crawl around and pull herself up one step before it was too late; she had lost so much blood. Pépé was shaking actually shaking, he wished he was bigger so that he might put her into a tiny dress and role her around in a ball. “This will have to do though,” he thought, being so pleased with himself that he went and helped himself to her sandwich. 12

In the 4 hours to spare before the father would arrive home, Pépé took a nap, dreaming of the upcoming event with even more blood lust. You see it was the father who, while drunk, had grabbed Pépé out of the plastic ball (which had been kicked into the garage) and put him in a mug of beer and kept pushing him up and down. Drowning his little hamster lungs. Luckily his boisterous laughter had thrown the mug off his knee and onto the ground where Pépé lay panting. That had been Pépés most terrifying moment and he was about to return the favour, except Pépé would not let the mug fall. 13

The father came home and poured himself his beer. Pépé sat on the garage floor holding onto the string, attached to the switch on the workbench. Pépé was going to have to use his tiny ears to enjoy this killing, for he was going to have to run fast to his escape hole that leads outside. His heart racing, Pépé heard the door open and watched the dad march straight into the mustang and turn the key (his ritual revving of the engine). It puttered and the dad swore under his breath and got out to look under the hood. When he ducked his head deep into the car’s engine, Pépé, who was luckily several meters away, began to run. The long string managed to allow Pépé safe passage out of the garage and into the street, where he continued to run. For the string had just pulled the switch on the blow torch and then pulled the torch off the bench and onto the gasoline soaked floor. It must have set the father on fire first for his loud scream was heard. The fire spread fast, for not even a second after; the car had exploded, along with the dad. The fire was roaring and giant sparks shot through the air and black smoke billowed perfectly. 14

Like the fireworks on the Fourth of July, Pépé watched in awe. It was the perfect finale, literally ending it with a bang. Pépé sat on the curb and felt all his anxiety leave, his heart was filled with relief and great satisfaction. Proud of himself, Pépé the hamster marched away from the scene of the crime, to the freedom he had longed for! “SPLOOSH”. The car didn’t even see the “innocent” little hamster crossing the road.15