[put good title here]

I feel like I should cry. Just let it out right? If only things were that simple. You can't let out something that will come back. Yet still I try. It is not the most painful feeling, but it stings and throbs in the back of my mind and frays the edges of my emotions. 1

Biting the egde of my finger helps and is immensly relaxing. pain to conter-act pain. I thought that two bads didnt make a good. In math they do, but emotions don't calculate out. There's no equation for love, and loss, besides I wouldnt be able to figure it out anyway with all my "talent" in algebra. 2

I wonder why pain over certain things come in waves. Why would something that upset be before, won't upset me now, or vise versa. My emotions seem to fluctuate between the now and the then. A simple connection is all it could take to bring to my painfull past. All of the deception, from others and from myself. The sick disgust I get sometimes at how much of my life had been wasted because of one jealous man. Why was it so hard for me to break his connections to me, even after all that he did to me. 3

Too emotional. I was too connected, but not in the way that I thought. I feared more of losing his family than of losing him. I wanted him gone, needed him to be. But I mourned my loss of a separate family. Cam said that I could maybe still talk to his family while he's not there. But I disagreed. Things would get complicated. He could be there at any time, they may not like it, besides if I was there, my connection to him would also be there. I couldnt have the vulnerability to his family.4

But how I do miss them. They stood up for me against him when he tried to order me around. I was getting ready to leave, but his father or "Old Timer" told me that I was still welcome here and that I could hang out with him, then he left and yelled at my "friend". I would get mad, then forgive. I don't think I'll ever have a close friendship again. especially with a guy. My boyfriend is different, at least I hope so. He's special. 5

I pray. But I'm not religious. Does that matter?