I got the phone call while I was at work. My boss called me in from the garage to take the call. It was my wife, he said, and an emergency.1
“Hello?” 2
“William…,” she whispered into the phone. I could hear trembling in her voice. She whispered my name a few times more, something she used to do when we were teenagers. 3
“Melissa? Is everything okay?” I asked softly into the phone between her purrings. The line grew silent momentarily. 4
“William, the hospital just called me and said Lauren is there.” 5
It was my line now that grew silent. 6
“I’ll be there in a minute,” I promised and hung up. “I need to go see my daughter. She’s in the hospital,” I explained quickly to my boss. He waved at the door. 7
I don’t completely remember much of the drive home, I think I was having one of those out-of-body experiences. I just remember telling myself over and over again that Lauren was okay, it was no big deal. She just needed her parents to sign her out so she could go home. It would all be okay. 8
My wife was already standing in the driveway when I pulled onto our road. I didn’t even put the car in park; she just climbed in and off we went. She was fidgety, that much I remember. She kept turning the radio on and off repeatedly, so much so that it would’ve annoyed me under normal circumstances. I started vocalizing my It will all be okay thoughts. Partially to reassure Melissa, partially because thinking it was no longer convincing me. 9
It still amazes me how beautiful the day was. In all the movies and stories, it would have been raining, storming actually. With thunder that gave you chills and lightning lighting up the sky every few minutes. But there wasn’t a cloud in the sky that didn’t look perfect, and it was the prettiest shade of blue in the crayola box. 10
We pulled into the hospital parking lot and I parked as close to the door as I could. When I got out, Melissa just stayed put. I walked around the car and opened her door, took off her seatbelt, and guided her out of the car by her hand. She was shaking as if there was a violent earthquake exploding inside of her. We walked on. 11
The first floor of the hospital looked less than comfortable, it was actually pretty scary, but the receptionist was nice and very helpful. She made a phone call to notify the doctor of our arrival. We were directed to the third floor. 12
I don’t remember walking up any stairs or taking an elevator. I only remember a young nurse with the blackest hair I’d ever seen, so black it looked blue, walking up to us with the deepest look of sympathy in her eyes. 13
“Where’s my daughter?” I asked. The nurse couldn’t have been more than twenty-five. 14
“She’s in there,” she began, but there was unmistakable hesitation in her voice. She cleared her throat and asked us to sit. 15
“The accident was really bad, you have to understand, there were three cars involved…”16
“What are you saying?” my wife half said, half whispered. “Is she okay?”17
“She was thrown from the passenger side window, the chances of survival something like that are low enough as it is, but all the cars were traveling at great speeds, and she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt…”18
“Is our daughter okay or not?” I demanded, blocking out her attempts to tell us without saying it. 19
“I’m so terribly sorry…we’re so sorry. No, she didn’t make it…” the nurse finally said, a genuine look of sympathy on her face. I registered this somewhere in the back of my mind. I can still see her face when she said it. 20
I can also still hear my wife’s scream. I have nightmares about it sometimes still, her screaming on the third floor of that hospital, crumpling to the ground, alternating spasms of sobbing and screaming hysterically. 21
I don’t remember how I reacted, really I don’t. There was crying involved, that much I know, but aside from that when I try to remember all I see is Melissa writhing on the ground vocalizing her agony. 22
We learned soon enough that the accident was caused because one of the drivers were drunk. It wasn’t the one in Lauren’s car, but hers was the first one hit. The worst is that the murderer of my child didn’t get a single scratch on them, and was never found. 23
I don’t know how long Melissa screamed in that hospital that day, but it hasn’t stopped. We’re still screaming on the inside each day we wake up and our Lauren isn’t there. We scream internally as we walk past her bedroom, untouched since the last day she had been there. We scream when we see a girl her age, or with her color hair. We’ll be screaming up until we join her in paradise.
Author notes
TwilightBeliever
A contest entry
- Sad, sad, sad by NinjaMegami.
100 points, ended May 12, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme, gimme, gimme your best Poems & Stories! by Zerstort.
185 points, ended July 17, 2008, 95 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Raining Acid by Oddems..
425 points, ended September 16, 2008, 27 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Things I Look For In A Good Write by beezy92.
450 points, ended January 1, 55 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Have you ever lost a loved one? by trekkergirl.
175 points, ended January 7, 29 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sadness is a horrible thing... by XxXDreamWeaverXxX.
135 points, ended January 18, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Can you make me cry? by Maggie Kay.
115 points, ended March 11, 51 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Did I overdramatize the ending?
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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no you didnt. the ending was great
a very sad story.
The saddest part was knowing that this kind of thing happens all the time, that its not just a random made up story.
well done
thanks for entering
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This was a very dramatic ending, I didn't think you over did the ending, I think the ending was just right to be perfectly honest, I can see that you really got into the story as you wrote it!
So well done for that...
~Cat
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Very moving and extremely well written. Don't worry about over detailing things, in this sort of situation people have a habit of obsessing on details in order to draw their minds away from what is happening, hence as you well pointed out, the wife with the radio. As a man with children I found this very touching and emotional.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Wow this is sooo terribly sad! I can related on being a survivor of someone killed in an accident. My father was. And I understand the part about the hurt, anger, and sadness never really going away. Forever it seems that I looked to the front door to see my dad walk in.
It was all like some terrible dream that I can't seem to ever wake up from.
I can so relate. I am soo sorry for your loss.
Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering it into my contest. -
I almost cried! And the music I'm listening to does NOT help!
This was great!
~Paws
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Wow. Definite emotional connection. And developed characters. The plot isn't original but it's realistic, so that doesn't matter. It's such a sad subject...drunk driving upsets me so much. Great entry! Thanks for entering...finalist list. You guys are making it really hard to judge (:
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P9: might want to put the "it will all be okay" in parentheses.
For paragraph 20 you might want to just end on the "we're so sorry" the second part is just sort of.... unnecessary. I feel at least.
Hooolly FRAAKKK!!!
"Why can't you see" was cool, and I read this one because of the name, but this... it's pretty much all dialog and slight description/comparisons (which by the way are all done beautifully with style.) but even with that, this is sooooo cool.
Keep it up! -
How sad. But I'm not as moved as some others might be. Of course, I've had my share of sorrow, and I find it harder to cry these days. Its a talent when someone can click into that part of my mind and make me cry aloud. Besides that fact of no sorrow for the people in your story, I thought it was utterly amazing. It was a great tale, and I enjoyed every sentance. Good work! I'm a critic, right?
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Not at all, the last line was my favorite. This piece was full of emotion, amazing characters, and wonderful talent. Fantastic job, exactly what I like. Good luck and thank you so much for entering!
PR
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I'm not sure you can overdramatize the sudden realization that your child is dead. I have kids, and if I could I'd go nuclear if one of them died. Let all else fall away, in ashes and death. I think you are one of the best writers I've read on this site, and I love your powerful descriptions. You even got the non sequitur of the weather; mismatched things stand out to me too, when something life-changing is happening.
You've definitely got a sense of the world.
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Well written and emotional! I didn't find any grammar or spelling flaws.
Some itches I had were:
You had a lot of unneeded detail in there. You can cut out on some parts. Because it's parents going to the hospital wouldn't you think they would be focusing more on their daughter than on how old the nurse looks or if they're really nice.
As Durian said, I think that the ending was a little rushed.
Very emotional. As I read the last paragraph I was scared. It showed raw pain that was great! Thanks for following my rules and good luck in my contest! -
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The reaon that there's so much unneeded detail in there is becuase the father is reflecting back on the day. He's remembering things like how the day was and what his wife had said on the phone.
Thanks for your kind comment! -
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Ah, thanks for sorting that out.
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Very Sad....and unfortunately all too common. Very well written, but i sort of felt like the ending was rushed a bit. Great structure and flow, impeccable grammar. Enjoyed it very much!! Thanks for entering. Durian
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Your ways of describing things send a chill down my spine. things like " it was the prettiest shade of blue in the crayola box." just seemed creepy, but a good creepy, if that makes any sense. This kind of goes with a story i wrote about a week ago, you should read it:
http://storywrite.com/story/149008
tell me what you think. -
The Ending Was Good
I liked it. The ending was perfect for this tragic story.
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O MY GOODNESS! This is beautifully sad. Your detail is amazingly well used. No I don't think that you over dramatized at all this would be a very traumatic experience and calls for drama in the retelling. It's sad so many people die because of another's choice to drink and drive. It honestly scares the living hell out of me that people make that decision. Amazing write.
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oh my gosh.......
God, i hope this isn't true......
My uncle died in a car accident last year, and i still can't believe he's gone. so i hope that this isn't true, as the niece of someone who probably would have regretted having that last beer.
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no, this isn't true, yet it happens everyday. I'm terribly sorry to hear of your loss.
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Well,to answer that question,the last line was kind of too much but it didnt take away from the peice whatsoever.It was really well and heartfelt with or without it.If i had an expirience like this,i would burst into tears after the fifth stanza.This was so sad,and i send so much sympathy for anyone that has to deal with this.The drunk should've died rather than Lauren
Very well done!
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Dramatic
I found your telling of the story dramatic to an extent that you could have spent years working on the wording. I don't believe that you over dramtized the ending. The scream was an effective addition. I could hear it as I continued reading.
Drink-driving is a serious problem all around the world and I thought that you portrayed the effect of it well. Death always hits young people, the most serious offenders, deeply.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 4.
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Talented
Excellently written, emotional, and a good dramatic not a corny dramatic.
Well Done keep it up. -
Wow. No, the ending was overdramatized. I really like your use of language and the way you wrote the story. I also like the background you chose. Roses, yes, but roses aren't always innocent, right?
I caught this. This was the only real thing that bothered me.
it would have been raining, storming actually. With thunder that gave you chills and lightning lighting up the sky every few minutes.
Put a period after actually, and you'll have a good sentence there.
Great work, and keep it up! -
Very powerful.
I really enjoyed reading this. True, it was very said, but I feel very passionate about the drinking/driving issue, and I'm glad you wrote such a powerful story on the subject. I agree with other people in the fact that the emotion was very, very good. I felt for the main character and his wife because you portrayed their emotion in such a believable and heart-wrenching way. I will say that I didn't like the last line, but other than that, great job. :]
-jj -
Yes, you did. The word paradise seemed too much, kinda took me a back.
I really like the story. It's fast-paced, but it's full of all experiences that everyone feared: losing a loved one. The "out-of-body" experience. Hearing the truth from a person is scary.
My favorite part is "I don't remember how i Reacted, really I don't." Why? Because it created an impact on me to feel more of this main character. As if he was really paralyzed to his mind, totally way overwhelmed with grief and loss.
With great regards,
IAmAlive
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Oh my god... Lauren died? And I knew about it? What the hell.....Oh, Must of been my coma state....No lie. I Oded and then went in a coma, long story. Anywho, I'm melissa and I know lauren which is scary. and I'm not her mother, I'm her friend! hahaha. At least I think so.
but yea i love your story! it flows really well and I enjoyed listening to it (lauren read it to me)! Great job, and thanks for an awesome read.
KEEP WRITING!
-Melli<33 -
Effing Amazing!!
you are so TALENTED!!!!!!
i'm crying!!
its so beautifully sad!!
that scares me because my name is lauren ad my friends name is melissa....
creepy...
this is my new favorite story for all time!!!
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This is terribly sad, you told this story with clear visuals and with emotion. It is so tragic to hear the daily news stories of people, entire families, wiped out by drunk drivers. And yet so many continue to take that risk every day. This is a really touching story with a message. Very well done!
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no, the ending was fine. this was a good story that can open some people's eyes to drunk driving. Maybe add a bit more of an exposition, but other than that, it was great!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Emotionally gripping
Such a tragic and heart-breaking story. You really made me feel the intense emotions of parents who learn their daughter has been killed in an accident caused by a drunk driver. I can only imagine what it would feel to have to cope with the emotional devastation of such a horrible event.
"I don’t know how long Melissa screamed in that hospital that day, but it hasn’t stopped. We’re still screaming on the inside each day we wake up and our Lauren isn’t there. We’ll be screaming up until we join her in paradise."
I have read of the experience of many parents who have unexpectedly lost a child thru accident or illness. For many, the very fabric of their relationship is irreparably torn. I'm sure the memory of that event never truly leaves them. And although they have to go on with their daily lives, and may seen normal on the outside, I would imagine for many, the screams do still reverbate inside.
You really know how to capture the emotions of your characters in your writing, and you make me care about them. You often try to include a meaningful lesson within your stories. In this case, the potential after-effects of drunk driving. You showed that the driver who caused the tragedy never even stopped, but left death and destruction in his wake. Drunk drivers risk the lives of others every time they indulge their personal habit of drinking too much and insisting on getting behind the wheel anyway. That's why it's so important for community's to get drunk-drivers off the street, and punish repeat offenders harshly. Thank you for such a powerful write on such an important issue.
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Yes, it is so awful that things like this happen every day. Maybe if people can see what they're doing can seriously hurt others, then some of them might stop.
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