The Infinite (working title)

PREFACE1

Belly-faced down on my family’s striped hammock, I spent many a spring and summer day gazing down at the ground. Most people look at the sky. They feel it’s more romantic to dream upwards at the amorphous clouds and the faithful sun than to wallow in self pity by staring at the boring and familiar ground. I suppose this makes sense on the poetic level- that one who stares at the ground in their day dreams lacks self confidence and aspirations, while one who looks to the skies desire greater things from themselves; yet I feel there’s more to the earth than the sky, the earth’s mysteries are rich and dense and so comically near to us finite humans that it is more enigmatic than the sky. 2

The sky’s mysteries lay on the great impenetrable space so distant and unreachable, and people blindly attempt to grasp its wonders in the same fashion they attempt to grasp the future. But these reaches in the dark are only vainglorious, for one can only understand the future when the future has become the present (sometimes it even takes the past to bring about full knowledge).One can only comprehend the sky by observing it from the surface of the moon or a spacecraft. It’s a common and true life philosophy that people are so terribly fixated on what they lack, that they ignore what is beneath their feet. They tread over their happiness, fears, delights, melancholy, and love and press them into the grass, without a downward glance. 3

Since we can never be in the future, why is it so wonderful? Look at the present, look at the ground. You will find it writhe and twist and breath and live. 4


CHAPTER I: Silence5


As a child, I was one of the sky day dreamers. My life was alright in the present, but in the future, when I was older, it would be perfect! I wanted to be a dancer, the president, a marine biologist, an author, a painter, and an actress all in one lifetime. My aspirations and dreams were always so numerous, distant and unreachable for me because they lay awaiting me in the web of time. Never enjoying myself completely, but never dreading myself completely either, I was, like my future dreams, stuck in the web of time. I never submitted fully to anything because in my mind, whatever happened now was irrelevant to the happiness and perfection of the future. 6

It wasn’t until my 9th year that my outlook on dreams dramatically and tragically altered for the rest of my life. 7

That year, terror swept through the country forcing all the adults to glue their eyes to that hypnotizing screen. I never understood exactly what was so horrible, mostly because my parents seldom let me watch the news that year because I was “too young”. I caught repeated words like “terror”, “guerilla”, and “biological”, but I never saw what was so terrible about gorillas or biology. But my parents were constantly concerned, and that frightened me more than anything some old guy was saying about science. We children reluctantly were forced to play indoors for some unknown reason, although we all figured that it had to be due to whatever the old guys were saying on TV. We still went to school as usual. We claimed that it was completely unfair and illogical that if we weren’t allowed to play outside then we shouldn’t be allowed to go to school either. Our many complaints and signed petitions were in vain. (Actually I rather enjoyed school, but it was cooler to find it appallingly dull so I played along)The only change in the school routine was that all the parents drove us to school, even if we were normally “busers”. 8

On one bright school day, we were each given special odd-looking sunglasses to use to look at the sun during the eclipse that was scheduled to occur that day during our English class. None of us had seen an eclipse before, and thought nothing of the scientific wonder other than it was a chance to skip class and finally go outside. I remember it well. We were taking a quiz and the bright white paper my eyes were fixed upon suddenly lost its blinding glow, and I was grateful that a cloud had decided to cross the path of the sun. I was so hexed by my quiz that I didn’t realize that the sun’s sudden disappearance was due to the eclipse until we were lead outside by our teacher with the traditional safety instructions so that we wouldn’t ruin our eyes, etc, etc… the normal routine that was intended for reckless boys, not well behaved girls. 9

Then it got darker, much darker. It was so eerie and macabre. I shivered and stared at the darkened bushes, so frighteningly mesmerized by the incredible wave of the unnatural. The sky had turned into night right before our eyes, one that beckoned nightmares to creep into our slumber. I turned and saw them the nightmares, the gorillas that haunted the adults; and for the first time, I began to understand, just why the TV hypnotized my parents so. The gorillas mesmerized my parents with the same dark awe for the treacherous and unnatural as the eclipse had for me. And as I saw them walking towards us with their large gate-like strides in a straight impenetrable wall of creatures, I felt the darkness and the terror and froze like a deer facing the headlights of death.10

They were people, but monstrous people- like vampires or werewolves with some evil supernatural element hazily etched into their lifelines. They wore business suits, but ripped and tailored differently into zombie-like rags, and wore knives and guns slung over their limbs. Like a ghostly fog they came closer to us, silencing us and stilling us into pathetic stone statues wearing oddly shaped sunglasses with their intimidating presence. I shook and prayed that the sun would come out and force all the darkness away, but it didn’t. Instead, the gorillas herded all of us children in the bus, took the terrified teachers to another bus, and drove us somewhere far away from the school. They did not need to threaten us to stay quiet or not to escape; we feared their guns and knives so we sat as quietly as good children should, but we trembled and cried silently to ourselves as the sun finally started to peak out behind the moon. “Too late, stupid sun!” I mumbled to myself beneath the staggered tears.11

It seemed to be too pretty of a day for this tense ordeal. The sky was filled with puffy clouds and the sun streamed through the trees causing the leaves to radiate with unnaturally bright shades of green. We appeared to be going through a forest now. And as I was sitting there staring out my window I thought of many things. First, of how scared I was; second, about my parents and wondering if they were ok and at home contemplating where I was, or if they had been taken by the gorillas as well; and third, of how angry at myself I was for not paying attention what streets we had turned on- I was such a spacey child like my mom said! I cried even more than before. I should have been brave and thinking of ways to escape. Several silent minutes or hours passed, I didn’t know for sure, but the sky was becoming dark again, yet not so eerie as before. Twilight massacred the sunset and the bus pulled into a clearing in the woods where I could make out some dark boxes that snagged at the line of pine tree silhouettes.12

The gorillas ordered us to file out of the bus. This time, they pushed and pulled at our arms to trudge forward. We were too numb with fright to feel the bruising shoves. As we stumbled across the darkening clearing, I looked around to see if I could see the other bus where the teachers were, but none was to be seen. The gorillas pushed us even harder and started to be more violent as we approached the box-like buildings which were guarded by a line of other even more terrifying gorillas who wore black capes and metallic masks. The suit gorillas made a bigger show of their job in front of the caped ones by pulling at our hair, kicking at our shins and laughing and making fun of us. They were all in a wild frenzy pointing and laughing and hurting. I learned from my mistake on the bus and instead of focusing on avoiding their blows and remarks by burying deeper into the horded clump of classmates, I attempted to drone out the pain and fear and strained my ears to listen to the gorilla’s words that were hidden under the gasps and screams. All I could make out were, “children” and “finites”. Not much to go on. Eventually their laughter died and they herded us into one of the block buildings (actually it happened to be the largest, scariest, and furthest building of them). It didn’t take us more than a second to understand that it was a prison.13

I was thrown into a small windowless concrete cell. Even though the door was solid and I had no way of seeing my classmates, I knew they surrounded me in other cells like mine for I could hear their whimpers and quiet sobs. In a blank cell like that, there is nothing else to do but madden yourself with your mind; allow it to erode away your happiness with thoughts of dread and despair. I finally noticed the bruises all over my body from the shoving and kicking, and the pain started to throb for the first time. I tried to force the pain out of my head, realizing that it was in my mind and not in the bruise itself, but my attempts never seemed to last more then ten seconds. On the cold concrete I curled myself in a ball and huddled in one of the corners of the cell and with slowly closing eyes I finally surrendered to my encroaching masochistic mind.14

“Fear” I said out loud. My thought streams continued to trickle, “We fear what we do not see, know, or understand. They put us in these solid bar-less cages so we cannot see, so that we fear more. They want our minds to wander and scare ourselves better than they could, and in doing so, they want us to make them out to be evil demonic god-like figures. They want us to glorify them through our fear. But why? Other than glory what could they get out of this. Hold us for ransom? No… there is more that I do not understand.”15

The boulder in my thought process was maddening. I couldn’t reason further due to my stupid ignorance! And then the dejection came…
“STUPID! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why am I so spacey that I didn’t pay attention to anything! I could have found out a way to escape! Right now… no one knows where I am. No one loves me right now, this very instant. I am alone completely, and no one is going to help me but myself, and I have left myself with no weapons or maps to hold on to! I’m ruined. I’ll probably die here! Alone.”
I wanted my parents beside me so badly that the new tears stung my puffy cheeks. I wanted them to hold me and say everything was ok. But it wasn’t ok. For all I knew, they could be in a cell like this one too, all alone. But they were smarter than me, they would find away out of it. 16

Just then, the cell door flung open and a scary masked and cloaked gorilla glided into the room like some kind of phantom. Horror rushed through every vein in my body and I’m sure I turned corpse-white. I backed as far against the wall as I could, and I clawed at it trying to make it fall back further away from him as I could, but of course the concrete remained faithfully stationary. He shut the door behind him and crouched down to my level on the floor. “You’re not a finite, are you?” he stated rather than pose it as a question. His voice sounded of anger and haste. I swallowed my fear as much as possible, but remained speechless even though I tried to come up with something to say. I didn’t know what in the world he was talking about. “Never mind” he said harshly. Behind the mask he was panting loudly, and it sounded like that of a hungry salivating dog. “We don’t have much time, they are doing the others now.” If my skin could get any more corpse-like, it did just then. Doing what to the others? What were they going to do to me? What was HE going to do to me? He saw me tremble and inched closer to me, then he ran his fingers through my hair. I didn’t like it, I wanted to yell out and run away from him, but I was cornered in a cell. He was so much bigger than I was, he could do whatever he wanted with me right then and there. I couldn’t escape. He then lifted his mask just high enough so that only his mouth was visable. His human mouth- no boils or scars like the TV villains suggested. He gripped onto both sides of my head and I think he was gazing into my tearing eyes before reaffirming his previous conclusion, “You are not a finite.” And with that he pushed his mouth against mine.17

A wave of icy cold breath raced from his mouth into mine and down my throat. It seemed to plaster my mouth with ice. He continued to breathe the icy discomfort into me for seconds… or minutes. Then he pulled away as quickly as he pressed his mouth against me. That wicked excuse of a man smiled, wiped his mouth, and lowered his mask to cover his entire face. He then reached for my blouse and ripped a long tear in it. I tried to hold my blouse tight around me so he couldn’t tear it off of me. Oh I didn’t want that! I feared he would continue ripping my clothes or trying to kiss me again, but at the sound of voices outside the cell he stopped. He slammed the door behind him when he left and I could hear him laughing with the other gorillas outside the door. I was stunned. I felt defiled and gross… like I was covered from head to toe with unwashable mud. I hated them even more for making me feel this way. My next thought was to the iciness that still seemed to be plastered in my mouth. With my finger I felt the insides of my mouth, I expected to be able to scrape off some odd frozen mucus off the insides of my cheeks but nothing was there. I didn’t think that ice was normal feeling in a kiss. Had that even been a kiss? Before I had time to question the event further, a new one opened the door to my cell. 18

A masked and cloaked gorilla grabbed me and dragged me out of the cell and through a maze of concrete hallways until we were outside in the large clearing in the forest. I was shocked to see the night sky for I had lost track of time in the cell and assumed that I would see daylight. Torches blazed and in the flickering fire-light, the haunting shimmers of about a hundred silver masks surrounded me. I was joined by 9 of my other classmates who were being dragged into the clearing as I had been. They lined us up one after other in a pencil straight line. A man in a black mask with a white hood appeared in front of us- some terrifying ghostly leader to this arena of laughing banshees. “Kneel!” he commanded. And we did as told. Sobbing erupted from the girl at the very end of the line, and to her terror, he turned to her and yelled, “You will be the first to be silenced so we don’t hear your pitiful weakness!” Although one could not be absolutely positive due to the silver masks, I was almost certain that the other gorillas were smiling and salivating with excitement. The leader nodded to the gorillas who had dragged us there, and they obeyed his wordless command by binding our hands tightly behind our backs with twine. The leader gave each gorilla a label-less clay bottle and turned to the assembly of others and said some sort of speech, I can’t remember what he said in that speech, all I can remember from that point on was the scorching pain in my throat when we were force fed the contents of those dreadful bottles.19

Simultaneously the liquid was poured into our mouths. It was quenching at first, I realized that I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since yesterday at school and I wanted more and more. It streamed right down through our throats for about five or ten seconds when I felt the burning. It scorched my throat with white hot fire and I writhed on the ground like a wounded animal. Desperately I tried to clench my hand to my throat in some poor attempt to ease the blinding pain, but they were expertly bound behind my back. I wailed and writhed with excruciating suffering. Tears, sweat, and dirt covered my body, and through the burning I tried to convince myself that the pain would end once the liquid had passed into my stomach; but it did not. It took a while before I realized that I was the only one screaming, and at this revelation I glanced over at my classmates to discover that they were not in the pain I was experiencing. The liquid had knocked them unconscious and they were in deep sleep on the ground. Once in a while one of them twitched. But they were at peace while I suffered a pain that challenged the fiery pits of Hell. My screaming grew silent. I could not scream anymore. My mouth was wide open and air was rushing out of it, but it was void of the deafening din I had created, and as my voice left me, so did the pain. I sighed with relief and passed out. 20

I awoke on a hospital bed miles away from that awful clearing in the woods, I knew that from the large window in front of me that opened up to the sea. I was covered in tubes and bandages and I found that I could scarcely move. I didn’t wonder how I arrived there, I didn’t care. All I thought about was how much I hated the gorillas, especially the one who kissed me, who with that kiss, not only violated me, but caused me to feel that unnatural scorching fire when I was given the drink in the clay bottles. The other children didn’t have to suffer! Why did I… because I wasn’t a “finite”? I opened my mouth to scream in anguish, and when I did, not a sound escaped my lips. And no sound has ever escaped my lips since that fateful day. 21


CHAPTER II: The Siren22


That was seven years ago. And no one cares about the past anymore anyways. Everything in the past ten years had become a blur- whitewashed from existence. All that was remotely clear to the people of Delmar was that 1) There had been a huge world war that exterminated billions of people, 2) The once United States had become entirely quarantined from the rest of the world, 3) Transportation and communications had become as scarce as four leaf clovers… quite a lot to choke down for the generations that came out of the computer age. No one has completely readjusted to the massive change. 23

I weaved in and out of the obstacle course of wooden tables and chairs taking orders. It was quite the feat getting a job, being as young as I am and mute on top of that, but the owner of The Del Bar had been kind to me. I am not proud of myself for my reliance on charity, but in vital situations it has saved my life. The owner, Seth, told me that I reminded him of his deceased little sister and that he couldn’t turn me away. Really, I think Prof.Oscar put in a good word for me. The bar was unique in the fact that it was a bar at all. Alcohol had become so scarce since the war, and Seth had the connections to make this rare commodity a common one in Delmar. This is also naturally why Delmar attracts quite a large handful of alcoholics. The Bar is THE place in town. So you can see what a miracle it was for me to land this job- one of the best around.24

There at the small circular tables near the window sit the farmers… they are the wealthiest and most revered men in town due to the town’s reliance on them for food, and their ancient residence and knowledge of the town. Before the war, Delmar used to be a mostly farming town. Yet, most of the farmers did not use their relatively new assets to gain power or prestige, instead, they seemed to carry their same simple and humble aura that their fathers before them held. That is, most of them. Phil Gulley and Tombo (This was his nickname, I never learned his real one) did like their wealth and hold on the town and accepted it with all the grace of a dictator. They sit at the rectangle table with all the other power loving moneybags in Delmar. They really weren’t all that special, but they thought they were, and their attitude mixed with the town’s chaos gave them their petty desires.25

Behind the rectangular table sat the various merchants playing poker with the travelers from other towns. And behind them, like roaches hunched over and huddling in the dark, sat the many silent brokes; the ones who had lost everyone and everything in their lives, couldn’t seem to move on, and lacked the courage to end their miserable existences like they wanted to. Their pale faces and darkened eyes made them fade into the corners- rotting there unnoticed by the lively crowds that sheltered them. Back in the “Golden Days”, their pitiful appearances would warrant pity and sympathy, but now that everyone’s story melted into each other, no one seemed to care. The thought process was “Life is shit, trudge through it”.26

Then there were the prostitutes- scattered through out the bar. Traditionally dressed- wearing the same revealing outfit from night to night, and their faces were poorly makeuped in loud vibrant colors. They were housewives during the day, nighttime mistresses at night. Their sleepless eyes told their stories- each sad story similar to the next: Their husbands either died or left them due to the war, and they sold themselves as a means to support their children who of course knew nothing of their nightly profession.27

I heard a faint innocent cry in the distance. One doesn’t hear a baby’s cry often. Few babes are born at all… maybe only 3 a year. And each one of these poor things sprung from the wombs prostitutes who couldn’t afford contraception. Married couples refused to bring up children in this “cursed world” and figured that it was better have a childless marriage than bring new souls into “Hell”. Really, was it a Hell? I always pictured Hell much worse than this. People still laughed and sang… especially at the bar. Never a day goes by though, when I don’t overhear someone reminiscing about the “Golden Days” of computers and cars and movies and airplanes… the list was never-ending. I remember these things quite well, and though not exactly how they dissolved into the air. All one can remember for sure was that everything changed- in a blink.28

“Girlie, wake up!” my eyes fluttered and I turned around towards my day dream’s interceptor. “Sing us a song wont-cha, Siren?” a man holding a near-empty mug laughed out. My cheeks colored, you would think after five years with that nickname amongst the locals, that it wouldn’t faze me anymore. I wished that were so. I never knew that man’s name, I just thought of him as the man who smelled like fish. That was one beauty that came out of my muteness; no one knows when I don’t know or recognize their name because I can’t say it anyways! I would have offended many people otherwise. I chuckled to myself, although no sound issued forth from my lips. It looked more like a smile with a little body shake. I was relieved that I was able to shake off the insult fairly quickly this time. “How about a dance instead, Little One?” The whole club’s hum of laughter and talk faded into silence at the sound of the familiar voice. I looked to the doorway and there stood Prof. Oscar. He was one of the few people who had shown genuine kindness to me since that fateful day years ago. He was actually the one who brought me to Delmar in the first place. I think he saw my face light up... I have to get better at hiding my feelings. I nodded my head in agreement and left to change into costume.29

What could have brought Oscar to Delmar? It had to be something of importance. He was a leader in the Midwest; A sort of loose governor of the place. He had managed to proclaim himself as a man of importance due to his unreal infinite money supply and his support for the last surviving towns in the area. I knew there were about three other towns other than Delmar from here to the Great Shikago, but I had never been there. Most people never strayed from the towns. After the war, so many people and towns were destroyed that the few survivors flowed to a few areas and formed new towns. Delmar, I knew, used to be a small farm town, yet due to its location and coincidence; it became one of the few places left in the Midwest where people lived. 30

I lifted the long green dress over my head. I was getting trapped and lost in its maze of long drooping sleeves and crisscrossing fabric along the low back, but a couple frustrated tries led my limbs into their proper positions. My heart began to beat faster, my body shook with the shiver of cold perspiration. I loved dancing more than anything else in the world. It was my raison d’etre. It was my way of communicating to the passers by- they could hear my voice through the music and movements of my body. Of course, if they cared to pay closer attention, they would be able to do this even when I wasn’t dancing. But when on that small platform stage, all eyes were on me, and for those brief minutes, they cared to notice me. Not to mention, dancing itself was exhilarating in itself- the art of it was just beautiful. I only had a few years of classes: a couple years when I was a child- before the muteness, and then two more years when a traveler came into town looking for a student to relive the good years before the war when she used to be a dance teacher. The rest of my training was self taught.31

No longer the timid waitress, I leapt like a fawn onto the platform, and with my small cold bare feet, I planted myself to my familiar home. The lights dimmed save for a small blue light on the stage. Music signaled the beautiful silence across the club, and my still form bubbled with life and burst forth into passionate dance. It was a jovial sound at first for quite a long time, then it grew serious and almost frightening, and my motions attempted to mimic it, as if telling a story. The slowly, out of the darkness of the frightening music entered a low triumphant sound, and it grew louder and more dominant with each passing second and twirled and spun with the triumph of the song… until it ended. Silence. The second after the dance ended, the second without applause seemed to last hours. Maybe I should have danced to a lighthearted or funny song instead! But I knew that Oscar liked more serious artsy ones. Oh I wish they would make some sort of sound! The hours of dread ceased with Oscar bursting into a loud applause, followed by the rest of the club. They had waited for him to clap first. I smiled with relief and satisfaction, bowed, and as he had gestured for me to do, went to sit with Oscar.32

Once I sat down in the empty seat, the club returned to its usual droll of voices. I knew I was ridiculously smiling from ear to ear, and I tried to suppress the extent of my happiness more, but attempts were in vain, and I quickly gave up. Oscar smiled too, probably due to the contagiousness of mine. “You looked wonderful out there. You grow more and more stunning each time I watch you dance.” I flushed. He was probably one of the only people who could read my emotions from my facial and body expressions, and I knew that he understood my thanks and how flattered I was. “That looks like the dress I brought you, I see you added a bit of your own style to the sleeves. You’re right, it does look good with the dance.” I smiled shortly then looked at him inquisitively. Even of this flattery and small talk, why was he really here? Last time he came to Delmar, it was for the Midwest census; and the time before that, he had to investigate some crime case. I knew that he didn’t come here just to watch me dance, although he was my one and only fan. If he didn’t encourage me so, I probably wouldn’t have kept up with it as I have. “I brought you a gift, Viola. It’s not much, but when I found it, I thought of you.” He handed me a CD and I lit up. “It’s a mix of movie theme songs. I figured that some of them might be good for your dance.” I smiled and hugged the present lovingly, and the silence slowly started to grow uncomfortable. 33

“You’re probably wondering why I came.” I shook my head and leaned forward. “Actually I came for two reasons. The first being that I needed to talk to Mr. Dochin about a new watch. I know, he’s the best. The second and main reason I came here was to talk to you.” My eyes widened “Stunned, I know. I don’t normally make calls like this, but you are a rare exception.” He smiled warmly, but I was confused. “Don’t be frightened, it’s nothing bad. I just discovered a place that might be more appealing to you then, well, Delmar.” I leaned back in my chair and gripped at the arms of the chair nervously. Was he going to send me away? I mean, this wasn’t Heaven in Delmar, but it wasn’t Hell either. It was my home. “I know that Delmar is home to you, but honestly, I worry about your safety and happiness here. There’s nothing for you or anyone else here but drinking one’s sorrows away, but there’s more than one town out there, Viola.” A pause… that same uncomfortable silence where I was supposed to say SOMETHING, but of course, I couldn’t. “It’s just that, well… you are growing to be a young lady, a lovely one at that, and this is a pretty rough town.” He shifted his weight in his chair and I noticed his cheeks color ever so slightly. “I don’t know… I just think of these scenarios where some man who had a little too much to drink corners you in an ally after closing time, and you open your mouth to scream but nothing comes out, and there would be no way for you to call for help or…” It seemed like his train of thought was a mile long, but he shortened it quickly for my benefit. 34

I did not know what to think. I was 15 and this sort of thing never crossed my mind. Sure, the “ruffians” who came in and out of the club made jests at my muteness, but I was never an object of desire. They desire the women with the red lips and curled hair. I knew perfectly well that men stared at these women’s endowments when they thought they were not looking. I stared down at myself- just a child draped in costume. The Professor’s worries were either misled, or planted in something else higher than what I knew. Most likely the later. I knew him to be one of incredible intelligence and deep insight. He knew more about this town than the townspeople did, which is why he was revered. It seemed to be that his knowledge was what set him above everyone else; what he shared and what he kept to himself. There seemed to be wide fields of knowledge growing in this mind, yet harvests only came every so often. 35

“You’re probably wondering where you could possibly go after Delmar.” I shook my head. “There’s a new settlement called Scheherazade in a canyon south of here; an artists colony. But it’s more than just a settlement; it’s a religion, a new way of life and seeing things. It’s sacred and beautiful; it’s the most spectacular place I’ve ever seen since the war. And they welcome dancers…. Any sort of art imagined by humanity. It seems perfect for you.” How can a description like that not seem appealing? Yet, I probably wouldn’t fit in, it sounded too exclusive and high quality for me. But Oscar wanted me to go, and his judgment is like God’s! I sighed and stared down at the floor. “You do not have to decide anything today. But I really think that it would be for the best.” I suddenly felt sick and cold, I wanted to leave, but I wanted to stay. I loved Oscar and I wanted to please him, but not this! “What’s wrong?” He asked. I bit my lip and nodded my head to excuse myself. I opted to spend the remainder of the night washing plates and glasses in the kitchen.36

Eventually, closing time came. Looking around I saw that the prostitutes had already led their nightly paycheck out the door, and the roaches who sat in the corners were being shoed out into the blackness outside. Drunks staggered outside- dazed and unaware. Similar to how I felt while washing dishes with my mind wandering to places I didn’t want it to wander.37

In the old cellar of the bar that I had transformed into my one room apartment, I through off the green dress and replaced it with the pale T-shirt that I wore every night. The shirt was once blue, I think, but time dyed it grey. The mirror showed that the conversation that night had flushed my cheeks- those unforgiving canvasses- they never seem to fail revealing my thoughts. Prof. Oscar would have noticed. Does it matter? I sighed. My head was throbbing. Too much thinking for one day. Sleep entered my bed and held me as it passed me into Dreams.38


CHAPTER III: Dreamscape39


The white haze clouded my eyes and slowly settled as the familiar image pixilated in front of me. The giant glass dome towered miles over my head. It curved and bent the light from the sun, and the amorphous clouds were even more skewed by the inconsistent thickness of the glass overhead. Looking around me, I saw the familiar landmarks stretched before me: the river that led through the seemingly endless caverns, the miles of green fields and bright gardens, and the dark dead sea beyond all the life. 40

I visit here often, always against my will, yet eagerly in my dreams. The man was calling for me again. I ran towards the distant voice across the green fields and the forests as quick as I could. The sun slowly drooped down towards the west, and I knew I didn’t have much time before it set and I woke up. I tripped once or twice over a raised root or a cleverly hidden rock, but I never seemed to scrape a knee- oh how I love dreams!41

I nearly collided into the edge of the glass dome. I looked around but the man was not there… again. Banging against the transparent wall I call out, “I’m here! Where are you?” I’m shocked by the sound of my own voice, it feels detached and distant from me. It is as if a recording played and I mouthed the words.42

I strain my ears for a reply, but only bird calls and the distant sound of rushing water are audible.43

I woke up.44

I groaned as my eyes attempted to adjust to the light streaming through my window. Why do dreams always leave the dreamer so unsatisfied? Well, unless it’s one of those horror dreams where you are running from something, then I suppose you are satisfied that you woke up and “beat” the terrible thing. Or perhaps that is more relief than satisfaction?45

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling down here for the past ten minutes!” I turned my head to see Seth red-cheeked and flustered in the doorway. His irises that pierced into mine raced wild with fear, not anger. I opened my mouth, then closed it again, remembering that I was no longer in my dream. Seth grabbed my green dance dress that lay on the cardboard box I used as my table, threw it at me and started up the stairs. I opened my mouth again, then closed it as one of those crawling shivered spurted up my spine and into my neck. It stayed there for the remainder of the day.46

I arrived upstairs on the main floor, of the Delbar, mop and bucket in hand, and I was shocked to see all the chairs turned down from their nightly resting places on the tables, and the entire place was recently mopped and dusted. Seth walked in from the kitchen scooped the mop and bucket out of my hands. He pointed at the stage, then raced back into the kitchen, yelling echoing frustrations at Don and Bartleby the kitchen boys. This was one of those many times when my muteness left me at a disadvantage. I’ve never seen Seth act like this- he usually takes the most mellow of dispositions, and the fact that this flustered activity is occurring this early in the morning when the Delbar usually sleeps, left me restless and confused.47

Townspeople talked loudly in the street, though I could not decipher their melted words. Sitting on the stage, I waited and played with the sleeves of my dress. The dress hung heavy on my shoulders, slumping me forward until my head involuntarily rested on my knees. The light vibrations and squeaking floorboards of groggy employees entering at Seth’s frantic order sunk into the floor and the walls faded into each other forming a warm stuffy box blocking out all the bustling sounds of the street. Even Seth’s voice seemed to drown him out of conscious comprehension. The shuffling feet arranged themselves in a primitive rhythmic pattern that lulled me into another place. The gap between sleep and wake sewed themselves together, and I returned to the glass dome.48

I materialized into a moss covered meadow next to a small but lively stream. The sun warmed the humid air and its light played with the curls of the water. I rolled my hands into the moist mossy earth, the dark earth staining my arms was cleaner than soap. “There you are.” Whirling my head around, I saw the owner to the voice I knew so well standing on the other side of the stream. His long free hair licked the air like flames paralleling, yet contrasting the whirling water. He stood tall and proud like he belonged among the trees.
His mouth opened and spoke, “I thought you were a deer.” “A what?” I smiled. He probably thought I did it flirtaciously, when in fact, I’ve never flirted before either in life or dream. I was just happy that sound escaped my lips.
“A deer.”
“How did you think I was a deer.”
“The way you rustled amongst the bushes, the way you called out so innocently.”
“Deer don’t speak.”
“Inside the dome they do.”
“I’ve never seen any deer here.”
“They are few, a dying species within the dome.”
“I thought I heard you outside the dome, how did you get inside.”
“This is the first time I’ve been inside, I’ve only watched the deer from the other side of the glass. Are you sure you are not a deer?”
“I don’t think I’m a deer.”49

I looked down at myself expecting to see my hands hardened into hooves and my skin bursting with butter brown fur. No, I was human. 50

He broke my self-analysis, “I’m excited to meet you, deer lady. Come across the stream and we can find some real deer together.” I’m sure that I blushed because once my cheeks flooded with heat, the man’s mouth spread into a smile. I placed one bare foot into the shallow mucky edge of the stream. The water ran cold and crisp- the mud in which my toes sank warmed them. The man held his arms out to me as I cautiously and eagerly trudged towards him. The friendly waters picked up their speed, and before I could touch his hands, I was pulled down into the cold wetness and rammed down the stream tumbling over stones and submerged logs.51

“Siren!”52

That name… the man didn’t call that name. It was an angry voice. It couldn’t be him.53

“Siren!”54

Seth’s perturbed yells pulled me out of the whirling day dream and back into the room. The room, along with his voice slowly seeped into my consciousness and hardened, reminding me of wax dripping down the side of a candle. Seth rarely used that nickname with me because he knew it upset me. Blinking a hundred times in attempts to fully escape the dream, I looked up at Seth’s blood-flushed cheeks and wondered if they would burst if the blood boiled for too long within his veins. “I have been calling you for one whole minute. Right in front of you!” He must have noticed salty liquid filming over my eyes or a choke hanging on the breath of a sigh, because he forced the taut muscles in his face to loosen as he explained what was causing the commotion around Delmar.55

“The infinite arrived in town this morning, and no doubt they will want to enjoy the nightlife, so everything has to be in order here… perfect really. And don’t you dare ask me… ha… like you could ask me anything anyways!” His brow furrowed and his lower lip just barely quivered. “I need you to perform your best dance tonight, don’t worry about serving them drinks or sweeping. Leave that to the others. Pretend that you are a real dancer. Pretend like you are the best for miles around... AND DON’T DOZE OFF AGAIN!” He raced off into the kitchen. 56

The infinite had never come into town, in fact, I don’t think they have ever been to the Mississippi River area at all. To my knowledge, they all stayed in Shikago. I couldn’t help but shiver. These were the very people who had destroyed my family and taken away my voice! I have been told that once the war ended, they toned down, that their corruption fled. However, it is hard for me to let go of or believe in the first place. What did they want with Delmar? Did they come to destroy it? Was it not worthy of their “Utopia”? I wish Professor Othlic was here. 57

58

Seth didn’t know my deeper connection with them… no one here knows about the day I became mute. How on earth did he expect me to dance for the only people I loathe? I’d feel like a prostitute. I’m sure they’d be indulging in some of them tonight.59

Robotically, I practiced my dance as I watched the sun turn from yellow to golden honey, then into florescent orange.60

As the usual guests arrived, a cold draft of subtle unease swept through the bar. Everyone knew the infinite were coming, and as much as the townspeople wanted to retreat to their houses, they knew they would be socially ostracized if they did not suck it up and act as if nothing in town had changed. This visage of normality was thought to save us from people who had the power to demolish our petty existence.61

When they came, they entered the bar with much ease and casualness as locals, which surprised me. They were led to the table by Maggie Gimp (nicknamed this for her crippled leg), who looked like she would pass out as she led them to a table in the middle of the bar. There were three of them- all dressed in the same navy blue military-like uniforms. The leader was a tall older man with a deep resounding baritone for a voice, and he was accompanied by a middle aged man and a young one. Therefore, covering all the major stages of adulthood, the three men displayed their various personalities the moment they sprung into conversation. 62

I remained in the basement looking up at them through the cracks in the floorboards. Although the entire bar attempted at eavesdropping on their conversation, you could tell by the unusual drop in the normal noise level, I seemed to have the best seat in the bar.63

Daven- “Everyone is as white as a corpse here! As if these low lifes never revived after the war.”
McKinley- “I heard the west was primitive but I didn’t realize how zombie like! That woman there… what was her name?”
Daven- “Megan maybe?”
Lysander- “It was Maggie.”
McKinley- “Right. Hey Mags, grab us a couple of beers will ya?”
Daven- “Beers?”
McKinley- “Yes, beers… they haven’t moved on to ambrosia yet.”
Daven- “Damn. Why do we get stuck with all the lousy job’s like Delmar’s filthy lack of spirits, and Gordie gets to lead the raids in the East where they actually have ambrosia!”
Lysander- “I thought Gordie was sent on an expedition to find Scheherazade?”
McKinley- “He was initially, but after the East attacked the fort, he was taken off the expedition.”
Daven- “Damn Yankees… why can’t they just stop wasting resources and lives and stop resisting!”
McKinley- “They’ll realize our goal eventually, and see that our efforts were for the best all along.”64

Maggie hobbled over and set the beers on the table. She just stood there, staring at the beers as if it were a deep portal into another dimension, but they were just beers. I’m sure she wished it were a portal into another dimension. Although she never spoke about it, we all figured, due to the size of her thighs and her constant watery eyes, that she once had a family. No doubt her crippled leg was a result of the war as well. I was told it could have been fixed by special doctors if it had occurred before the war
Daven- “What are you staring at? Did you drop a roach in it or something? Ha!”
Lysander- “Did she poison it?”
Daven- “Oh stop being paranoid! We are all immune to every poison there is. ” 65

Maggie was pulled away by a very red-cheeked Seth. 66

Lysander- “Documented poisons only.”
Daven- “And we’ve documented everything! Man, you are such a downer all the time!”
McKinley- “It’s ok. He’s just nervous- just got out of Kago training. Right, Lysander?”
Lysander- “Ya… Excuse me.”67

He made his way over to the bathrooms. Perhaps to get away from the other two. He seemed very tense.68

Daven- “Stop trying to defend him! I don’t know what you see in this kid. I’m sorry but he’s a cocky pretty boy who thinks he owns the…”
McKinley- “Daven! That’s enough!”
Daven- “I’m not finished yet! This whole excursion he has been “too good” to engage in conversation. “Too good” to do any of the dirty work when we had to deal with those ruffians on the road here. Remember that?”
McKinley- “You are diverting your focus from our mission, Daven. And look, now we’ve caused quite a stir in the bar… I’m afraid we’ve ruined the mood.”69

Seth, along with everyone else in the bar listened on this argument not so much for the content but for their moods, and their anger terrified him. Battling with his duty to serve and his personal desire to flee, he scuttled over to their table with a penciled smile on his face, “May I help you with anything, gentlemen?”70

McKinley-“No, but I’m afraid we have ruined the mood.”71

“Not to worry, not to worry. Here’s three more beers on the house.” Seth trotted over to the lights and dimmed the house ones while illuminating the stage, and stomped twice on the floor to signal my entrance. It suddenly grew very cold, yet I perspired. They would see me. I would see them. I would entertain them. How can one possibly control a cascade of anger, fear, and discipline coursing through one’s veins all at the same time. I nearly tripped on my dress as I pushed myself heavily up the stairs and into the main room.72

Everyone grew silent as their heads turned towards me as I walked across the floor towards the stage. I looked downwards, watching my bare feet press against the wooden floorboards, and I could feel a heavy gaze at the back of my neck, and it almost seemed to burn my spinal cord, yet I was shivering. I stepped on stage, and laid down on the stage in position. The music I had chosen was a Celtic song… It was so somber, but strong at the same time. I wanted to show the Infinite that I was ready to face them. Even if they did not realize the vendetta I had against them. Though I suppose they could guess. As I leaped and curved my body to the music, my eyes refused to wander to their table… I was afraid what would happen if I did. Perhaps I would burst with anger and jump out in some vain attack attempt. I focused… no actually, I did not focus. I just let the music take me wherever it wanted to. It flowed like waves from the ocean out from my chest through my limbs and out my toes and finger tips. And as I surrendered myself to the song, the room hazed and faded, and I returned to the better place… the dome.73

I was drenched from tumbling in the river, and I could feel an achy sting on my leg. Looking down at it, I saw deep red contrasting with my pale leg. My head lighted and the grass and trees spun, and I collapsed in the reeds along the rivers edge. “Deer Lady!” “Deer Lady!” I heard him calling from upstream. “Deer Lady!” he exclaimed. “I’ve found you!” The dome world grew hazy, and I left it and returned to The Delbar.74

I had collapsed onto the stage… right at the very end of the song. I heard nothing but a few confused murmurs… I don’t know if the audience quite knew if I fell for real or if it was part of the dance. I didn’t want them to know I had slipped into the strange trance again, so I quite mechanically stood up, bowed, and waited for the applause to cease, then cautiously stepped down off the platform. The infinite named Lysander was staring at me from the back outside the bathroom doors- his eyes burning, not like fire but like frostbite. Couldn’t he stop it! I stumbled a bit, dizzy, out of sorts. I needed to sit down. 75

“Won’t you take a seat, little lady?” It was the infinite named Daven. Why him! Not now! Slowly, I turned my head towards him… he was grinning- a wide crescent of white teeth barred at me. I stood there, immobile, with the beads of warm perspiration on my body quickly growing cold. Then I felt two hot hands clutch my shoulders and gently, but force fully guide me down into the chair. Lysander. The entire room watched with hungry eyes.76

“You were quite brilliant up there. You have quite the skills!” Now the head of the three spoke to me, I could barely look at him. “You look nervous, girl. Don’t be. Do tell us your name.” I must not tear up, I must not show them my weakness. “You do have a name don’t you?” A flood of every word I’ve ever wanted to shout towards those murderers my entire life rushed through my mind and my fear was replaced by this sudden ignition of rage. He was going to say it next. Or someone was… about my voice. Could I even control myself! They who took away my voice! “Girl! We are talking to you! It is impolite not to answer!”Lysander opened his mouth, then closed it again. The leader continued “GIRL!” 77

One of the farmers spoke to them, a brave act on his part I suppose, “Sirs, that girl is Siren! She’s and she’s a mute”. I heard the chuckles from all, though I couldn’t tell where they were all coming from. I heard several fragments of outbursts such as “she won’t be much use for conversation, that’s for sure!” It was just a plain deluge of chuckles, and I couldn’t filter them out this time. The anger I felt had instantaneously melted into slush. I was defeated, and now lacked feeling as well as my voice. 78

Daven- “Well, should we just excuse her then, being that she really won’t add to the table conversation?”
Lysander- “For once, I agree with you. She does look quite petrified as it is”
McKinley- “No… no! After that performance, she deserves a pint!” 79

He nodded to Maggie and she scuttled across the floor and returned with a pint… foam oozing down the edges.80

McKinley- “Now, what do you think of Scheherazade? Do you think it exists?
Daven- “Are you kidding me? Boss I thought you were the brains of this outfit! Scheherazade is just a story the finites made us to scare us!”
McKinley- “I’m not so sure- Othlic sounded pretty convinced. He knows these people better than anyone.”
Lysander- “Honestly, who cares? If it does exist, it’s not like it proves a threat to us anyways. Our pride just blows it out of proportion.”
McKinley- “Are you mad!? Didn’t they teach you anything in those Kago camps? All it takes is one burst of strength… one burst of hope and they rebel! Think of the bloodshed that could cause!”
Daven- “On their side anyways… haha!”
Lysander- “You and everyone else who wants to destroy this supposed Scheherazade are just too proud to let them have any ounce of strength. Even a little win.”
Daven- “Whose side are you on anyways?”
Lysander- “We out do them a 100 times over! There’s no way they could overthrow us even if this little village does exist!”
McKinley- “I think you underestimate their numbers.”
Daven- “I think this conversation is getting a little too detailed to discuss in front of her. Not to mention the fifty eavesdroppers around.”81

The din in the bar suddenly rose a notch higher. I sat like stone, pondering how Prof. Othlic could possibly talk with these men. Was he planting false information with them. Perhaps?82

McKinley- “Do you for get who we are sitting with? Finites and a mute! Haha! It’s not like she’s going to tell anyone what she hears, even if she does understand it! Eh, Siren? Ha!”83

He took a large gulp from his glass and wiped the light line of foam off his mustache.84

Lysander- “Excuse me, gents, I think I’m going to get going to bed. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow for the inspection.”
McKinley- “Going already? But you barely enjoyed the night!”
Daven- “Ha, You know I hate you, man… but even I think you should invest in one of those nightly pleasures sitting over there. Couple of em been eyeing you all night.”
Lysander- “Haha. I’ll leave them to you. Have a bit of fun for me.”
Daven-“ But it’s a free lay! We can’t get that back home!”
Lysander- “Goodnight!”85

After Lysander left, McKinley and Daven disappeared into the dark corners with the rest of the nightly roaches, and I remained behind, sitting at the table in a dim empty bar, without even a goodbye. Probably for the best though…86