Relapse

She watches me in silence. 1

Cool grey eyes drifting slowly over my body and coming to rest, finally, in line with mine.2

“Don’t judge me,” I whisper, breaking the stare.3

I turn my back on her and come face-to-face with myself. God, I hate full-length mirrors. I was seriously considering smashing it. 4

After seventeen years of bad luck, what’s another seven?5

She shrugs and steps up behind me as I watch her mirror counter-part over my shoulder. I can’t take my eyes off her and she knows it. 6

Her hair seems to shine silver in a non-existent light. She has soft facial features, despite the prominence of her beautiful cheekbones. There is an aura of strength about her. It seems to radiate from her frail frame and encompass me, almost suffocating me.7

She’s delicate.8

Ethereal.9

She’s far too thin.10

Skeletal. 11

She’s perfection incarnate. 12

“You could have it all.” She speaks at last, her lips inches from my right ear. “I can help you.”13

I want to turn from her. Turn and run and never look back. Yet something holds me in place. She is promising me my dreams.14

She can give me anything.15

If I giver her EVERYTHING.16

“I can’t go back to you.” My voice sticks in my throat and I look away from her, meeting my own blue eyes in the mirror.17

“Oh really?” There is a sarcastic laugh in her tone.18

She runs her eyes pointedly over my flabby arms, bloated stomach, bulging thighs. 19

“You’ve really let yourself go.” Her voice is soft, harsh and laced with disappointment. 20

“I’m…” I bit my tongue before the apology can slip past it.21

I’m so sorry.22

She folds her arms and sighs. “I remember the days when I was your best friend. I was the first one you’d turn to when things got bad. I made things right. I gave you control.”23

“I…” I can’t look at her, and I can’t stand to look at myself, so I let my eyelids snap shut. I’m trying to block out the world and drown in the darkness.24

But I can’t shut her out.25

I never could.26

“Do you remember how thing were back then? The way people looked at you? Not that you care about what they think…right?”27

She knows me.28

She knows me in a way that no one ever has, or ever could. 29

And I hate it.30

I hate her.31

Yet…32

“I gave you that flat tummy, those tones thighs, the beautiful bones… But you betrayed me.”33

Something warm and salty trails into the crease of my mouth and I realize that I am crying.34

“You were nowhere near perfect.” She states coldly, echoing my thoughts. “But with my help you could be. You will never be beautiful. You will never be smart. You will never be accepted. But you could be thin. But only with me. You need me.”35

And just like that; she’s back in my life. 36

She becomes my best friend and my worst enemy. 37

Her control extends far beyond the food I don’t eat. She controls my every thought, my head a constant tangle of numbers and arithmetic. 38

When I please her she rewards me with a slight smile and a nudge to do better. 39

But when I fail her… Her wrath is unmatchable. It means nights of lying awake, listening to my stomach as it devours itself. It means hours of kneeling on a cold bathroom floor, throat tearing and blood coating my fingers. 40

But she’s there with me. She’s there to sing me lullabies and hold my hair back. 41

And without her I cease to exist. 42